What inspired you to write "Remembering Well"?
It was the gratitude of the people who came to the memorial services that I did, and who were surprised that a memorial service had done so much to help them begin their processes of grief. They came out of it feeling good. They were mourning of course, but they came out feeling good because they felt like they had really honored and blessed the life of the person who died. I think many of them were frustrated by their experiences of funerals and memorial services (or so I gathered from the feedback I got from people). I gathered feedback from people at my church and outside people that there weren't
a whole lot of resources out there. The other thing that inspired me was that I observed an increasing amount of people who, even in my own congregation, were electing not to have any services at all. I was appalled by that.
Would you suggest that the family not have services in place of traditional services?
It depends on the family and what their needs are. My observation was that there was an increase in people who had no religious community and who therefore had no context for the ritual. There's also been an increase in the number of people who are doing their own thing, who choose not to go to a church or a religious community and they do their own thing, and they need guidance. These are people who did not have a sense of how to move through ritual and use ritual. I have discovered, however, that it's been a very useful tool for many clergy and mainline Christian churches.
It is the process through which the person who speaks [at the service] gets information from family and friends. That's an opportunity for people to get together and talk about their memories and talk about some of those issues that are less easy to talk about--anger, grief, and guilt. When I'm preparing for that time [as a celebrant], I discover what kind of tension may exist in families, and I become acquainted with the special circumstances of a death. Whoever is leading a ritual is holding a space for an incredible amount of loss, not all positive feelings, and sometimes negative ones. So the soul sketch itself is as authentic a picture of a person as you can create, and not necessarily the story of their life but the story of how their life made a difference in the world and in other people's lives.
Sometimes there are different faiths in one family. Perhaps the person who died is atheist. If the family isn't atheist, they may not be sure how to celebrate it, both in a way that fits the bereaved and celebrates the person. Any suggestions or advice?
Yes. I recognize that it's really difficult because you really want to be able to serve the needs of the ones who mourn. And if a particular prayer, for example, is meaningful to them, I think there also ought to be a way that they can have a prayer. At the same time, they need to honor and respect the person who died. So for example, if the person who died was an atheist, you talk about them, and you should be honest about that.
How can the family members in such a situation do that?
You might preface a prayer with some kind of light remark, like, "You know, so and so didn't want us to pray over him, but we need this! Let's take a few moments to seek some comfort in our own faith," or something like that. You could always find a way to acknowledge and honor a person [and] at the same time serve the needs of the people who are there. The important thing is to not have a totally religious service where you're saying someone is going to heaven when they didn't believe it. If the deceased didn't believe there was a heaven, then you don't talk about a heaven. You can say, "Our prayers are with them and we bless them."
Which family members should participate? Is there a way that family members should choose?