My School Bans Mother's Day

From National Review Online. Used by permission.

Let me tell you a story about my days at the Rodeph Sholom Day School.

When I was in first grade, my mom used to draw a whale on my brown paper lunch bag - a reference to the fact that my name is Jonah (my brother Josh got a trumpet). It was a cute little whale. It had a little water spout coming out of its back and it was usually smiling. When I got to school, I would put my lunch bag in with all the others in a corner of the room. At lunchtime, designated kids took turns distributing the bags and lunchboxes to their rightful owners. It was always clear that mine was the one with the whale on it, even when my name wasn't there. The other kids thought it was cool and so did I.

And therein lay the problem.

The school called in my mom for a meeting and asked her if she could please stop putting the whale on my lunch bag because this was unfair to kids with less pictogram-friendly names. Sure, the little Irvings and Bens could have drawings on their bags too, but a little froggy would have so much less meaning for Irving Greenberg than my whale did for me. And besides, a little frog didn't clarify whose lunch it was - anyone can have a frog - and that wouldn't get little Irv his cold knish any quicker.

In the self-esteem arms race (where arms are definitely for hugging) I had an unfair advantage in that my whale made me more special than the other kids. The school felt it would be best for everyone's self-esteem if I were to sacrifice a little of my own. Momma Goldberg quickly weighed the pros and cons of the situation and immediately responded: "The Goldberg family whale policy shall continue. Tell the other kids to get over it."

Well, it now looks like Rodeph Sholom has finally gotten some payback. They've cancelled Mother's Day. Andrea Peyser of the New York Post reports that last Friday, Rodeph Sholom's Hebraic munchkins came home with an unusual note for their parents.