Funerals for Kids to Attend

My friend is dying. She has battled cancer for many years, even beating the odds and living years longer than the doctors ever expected. But now it looks as if the cancer is winning and that she does not have long to live. A loving grandmother, she has asked me to help her family arrange a special funeral for her, to be attended by her grandchildren and their friends. This would be a service separate from the one adults will attend.

You may ask, "Why should children attend funerals at all?" Some of the reasons why it's important include the following:

• Rituals help people, including children, with their grief.
  
  
• Children want to be included in important events and often resent being sent away.
  
  
• Children want to offer and receive the love and support of others.
  
  
• At highly emotional times like the death of a loved one, children need to be connected with their families.
  
  
• Funerals offer a chance to say good-bye to a loved one, and saying good-bye is important.
  
  
• Viewing the body, when religious beliefs allow, and attending the funeral will help children accept the reality of what has happened. If kept away, young children especially may fantasize that the person hasn't really died, but is off on a trip and will return one day.
  
  

All of these are reasons why I support having children attend funerals. However, at an adult funeral, children may lose some of the potential value of the event because of the adult language and rituals might go over their heads. The length of the service could cause kids to get bored and act out. But a shorter funeral could be geared to their level of understanding. It could also give them a chance to participate directly in the planning and the service itself, adding to the healing effect.