Quiz: Are You in a Toxic Relationship?


How do you know if your relationship experiences "normal ups and downs" or is mired in abusive, toxic patterns? Determining the health of your most important relationships is the first step toward creating a happier life for yourself and those you surround yourself with.

Complete this questionnaire once for each relationship you are concerned about. Don't combine answers about your spouse with answers about another relationship. You can apply the questionnaire to each of your relationships. It will help you not only identify whether your relationships are destructive, but in what way they are destructive.

Adapted with permission from "The Emotionally Destructive Relationship: Seeing It! Stopping It! Surviving It!" By Leslie Vernick (Harvest House Publishers, 2007).

Q1. Does the person use physical force or threats of force to make you do something you don't want to do, or to keep you from doing something you want to do?
1. Never
2. Sometimes
3. Frequently
Q2. Does the person use verbal weapons such as cursing, name calling, degrading comments, constant criticism, or blaming to get you to do something you don't want to do or to keep you from doing something you want to do?
1. Never
2. Sometimes
3. Frequently
Q3. Does the person curse at you, call you names, humiliate you in public, or degrade you when he/she is unhappy with something you do?
1. Never
2. Sometimes
3. Frequently
Q4. Does the person force or manipulate you to perform sexually in ways you do not want to?
1. Never
2. Sometimes
3. Frequently
Q5. Do you ever feel afraid of the person?
1. Never
2. Sometimes
3. Frequently
Q6. Does the person yell, curse, or hurt you physically when he/she is frustrated or angry?
1. Never
2. Sometimes
3. Frequently
Q7. Does the person threaten to alienate your children from you or use them to intimidate you into getting what he/she wants?
1. Never
2. Sometimes
3. Frequently
Q8. Are you afraid to disagree with the person?
1. Rarely
2. Sometimes
3. Frequently
Q9. When you share your thoughts and feelings about something important to you, does the person ignore, make fun of, or dismiss you?
1. Rarely
2. Sometimes
3. Frequently
Q10. Are you verbally and/or physically abusive toward the person?
1. Never
2. Sometimes
3. Frequently
Q11. Does the person always think he/she is right and doesn't stop arguing with you until you're worn out or give in?
1. Rarely
2. Sometimes
3. Frequently
Q12. Does the person make most of your decisions for you?
1. Rarely
2. Sometimes
3. Frequently
Q13. Does the person control the family money, giving you little or no say?
1. Rarely
2. Sometimes
3. Frequently
Q14. Have you given up things that were important to you because the person pressured you?
1. Rarely
2. Sometimes
3. Frequently
Q15. Does the person pout or withdraw from you for extended periods of time when he/she is angry or upset with you?
1. Rarely
2. Sometimes
3. Frequently
Q16. When you ask for a time out or don't want to talk about something anymore, does the person keep badgering you to engage?
1. Rarely
2. Sometimes
3. Frequently
Q17. Does the person lie to you?
1. Never
2. Sometimes
3. Frequently
Q18. Have you observed the person lying to others?
1. Rarely
2. Sometimes
3. Frequently
Q19. Does the person tell you something didn't happen when you know it did?
1. Never
2. Sometimes
3. Frequently
Q20. Does the person tell you he/she didn't say something when you're pretty sure he/she did?
1. Rarely
2. Sometimes
3. Frequently
Q21. Does the person depend on you to meet all his/her needs?
1. Rarely
2. Sometimes
3. Frequently
Q22. Do you feel more like a child than an adult in the relationship?
1. Rarely
2. Sometimes
3. Frequently
Q23. Are you emotionally devastated when the person is upset with you or doesn't want to be in relationship with you?
1. Rarely
2. Sometimes
3. Frequently
Q24. When you try to talk with the person about something that's bothering you, do you end up feeling like the trouble is your fault?
1. Rarely
2. Sometimes
3. Frequently
Q25. When the person does something wrong, does he/she blame you or anyone else for it?
1. Rarely
2. Sometimes
3. Frequently
Q26. Does the other person make excuses for his/her behavior (anger, jealousy, lies)?
1. Rarely
2. Sometimes
3. Frequently
Q27. Do you feel loved and cared for in the relationship?
1. Frequently
2. Sometimes
3. Rarely
Q28. Can you safely express an opinion that is different from the person's?
1. Frequently
2. Sometimes
3. Rarely
Q29. Does the person show interest in you and your needs?
1. Frequently
2. Sometimes
3. Rarely
Q30. Are you able to express your honest thoughts and feelings with the person?
1. Frequently
2. Sometimes
3. Rarely
Q31. When the person does something wrong, does he/she admit it and take responsibility for it?
1. Frequently
2. Sometimes
3. Rarely


 

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