Prayer Circles

Dear Sandy, I hope you are doing ok today. I think of you often and pray for you and all the other grieving Moms here at this loving circle of prayer. Their is so much pain here and as one that has lost a child, I experience that pain for others as well because I know what it's like to walk through such grief. There truly is no other pain like it. I wanted to tell you how much that poem meant to me "The Mention of My Child's Name". It is so true, Joseph's name is music to my ears and the only ones that mention it anymore are our immediate family members. Others don't want to talk about it. It's almost as if nothing ever happened in their eyes. They see you functioning well and to them we seem ok, you know? But they don't know how we are in silent and the pain we feel because of missing them so much. I don't blame them because they just don't know. But I have been able to mention Joe's name more now myself. I'm having a hard time right now just knowing how I want to say what I want to say. I hope I'm coming across ok. I have been very sad lately, but I think it's because of the wedding and all and I guess I just feel that Joe should have been here for all of this and with my last child getting married, it's just so hard to let him go, you know? It's final in a way of our parenting days. I love my kids so much.
I have seen many doves lately too. And my dove garden is doing beautifully this year as are all the other flower gardens around the house. Something significant did happen in church Sunday. As I was looking for the Bible passage our pastor was reading from I was flipping back from the back pages ( this is generally how I open books to look for something) and in the index, the 1st page I came to at the top was the word 'grief' and where to find it in the bible. Then he mentioned another verse and as I was looking for that one I did the same thing flipping back from the back pages, and the 1st page that opened at the top was the word 'dove'. I believe it is God's way of telling me that He's always with me and that Joe is OK! That meant so much to me. I also believe that things that happen are not coincidence, they are God ordained incidences.
I'm sorry for going on like this, but I wanted to let you know how I am doing and that I will not miss a day of reading even if I don't post too often. It is really getting down to the wire now with the sewing that I still have left to do and the rehearsal dinner plans. They are really turning out quite nice and fitting the girls very well. Only 32 days till the wedding! My son Aaron is still out in California and will be home on the 18th. so we will only have about a week to spend with him, so I think that is why I'm having a hard time too. It will be so hectic that week that it'll just fly by and I want to have an enjoyable week with him before he ties the knot!!! Well, enough about me and my woes. Thank you all for listening. I feel like this is one of the only paces I can sound off and tell how I'm feeling. I don't want to neglect anyone else though. Just know that everyone here are in my prayers everyday as I walk. God Bless each and everyone. Thanks Sandy!
Love, Yvonne<><

Hello Yvonne, I'm so happy to hear from you! I know you're very busy, but I want to thank you so very much for praying for me and my family today, as we commemorate Shane's 28th birthday. Your kind, warm, loving post means a great deal to me, you're such a sweetheart! Thank you also for the beautiful prayer, it made me feel better already! One day we'll all walk that street of gold, and see our beloved children again, as you so beautifully put. God bless you Yvonne, and may Our Lord shower you with peace and blessings - and a dove,
Luv Sandy

Hello again Yvonne, I posted to your other letter before I read this one, and I want to comment on your post above. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your prayers, not only for me, but for you and all the other wonderful moms who have posted here in their own pain. You are all very special to me, and I love you all very much, we are a 'sisterhood' in a way, bound together by losing our children, and being able to understand how another mom feels. Unless you've walked that road, you couldn't possibly understand that we live with our loss everyday, even if we have a smile on our face, or laugh. It's always there, in the foreground, and I suppose it always will be. I'm so sorry to read that you're feeling down yourself lately, it's very understandable, with your son getting married, Joe not being there for the big day, and now you'll be going through the 'empty nest' syndrome, with your son moving out and starting his own life. We mothers seem to be the ones who experience most of the pain when it comes to our children, not that dads don't, they do, but I think a mother's heart is a special one, and that's the way God designed it.
I'm so happy for you that you've seen your dove again, and that is amazing to me about your experience in church! If that isn't God's Hand at work in your life, then I don't know what is!! How good He is to us grieving moms, I love Him so much! I'm thrilled for you that you had that happen for you! I don't believe in coincidences either, everything does happen for a reason.
I'm glad that that little poem I posted touched you, yes, our child's name is music to our soul, and yes, I do wish I could hear it myself more often from others, besides immediate family.
It will be so nice for you to have all your family together for the wedding, and you know that Joe will be there with you all in spirit. I do hope you get some quiet time in with Aaron before the big day.
Yvonne, that is what this Circle is for, so don't ever apologize, everyone's feelings and emotions are always honoured here, this is a safe place to get things off your mind, and talk about how you're really feeling.
Thank YOU Yvonne, and once again, you're a sweetheart, and my love and prayers are most definitely with you!
Luv Sandy

Sandy, I pray for you and all mothers everywhere who have lost a child. I can't imagine the sorrow that entails! May you know the peace of God. He understands what it is to watch a child suffer and die because HE went through it too. May you draw close to Him for strength. I pray that grieving moms will use the great love they have for their children in a constructive way. I know of many moms who've lost a child who now focus their energies toward helping other children who are in need. These moms can be a great blessing to mothers who are currently in situations that they have gone through before. I invite all moms who have lost a child to join the HUGS and HOPE Club for Sick children and help me to put smiles on the faces of gravely ill children. It will warm your heart - and together we can make a difference in the lives of these innocent, suffering kids! www.hugsandhope.com

Hello mmellow, it's so nice of you to post prayers here for all of us, we truly appreciate it, especially when those prayers come from someone such as yourself who hasn't, praise God, gone through this kind of loss. Yes, a lot of mothers rechannel their grief into something positive, but only when they're ready to, it takes a while to get to that point. Your organization sounds like a wonderful one, and thanks for posting here about it, if some moms wish to look into it, or join, you've provided the link. Doing something positive with your life is a way of honouring the life of your child, and in turn, helping others. How wonderful that is! Your organization sounds like a truly positive and caring one, how could one not want to help a sick child.
May God bless you for posting here, and once again, thanks for posting about HUGS and HOPE, our love and prayers are with you,
Luv Sandy

Hi Sandy,~ I am so sorry I missed your post about Shane's 28th birthday! :(
This is the first chance I've had to post since my last post. Your post was submitted after I had submitted my last post, so I missed it. Although I had prayed and asked God to give us peace and a bit of joy on our special days and holidays, I would have submitted a special post to you on Shane's birthday. So much has been going on around here for the past few days. On Friday,Cheryl and Tammy drove down home to pick up their grandmother, (my husband's mother) so that we could celebrate our birthdays together. Her birthday was May 21st, and mine was the 24th. The party was on the 25th. Then, on Memorial Day, I was completely down in the valley! :) I wanted so much to visit my Diane's grave, and also check the cross at the sight where she was killed. Cheryl wanted to go too, but we decided not to because of the affect it might have on my mother-in-law. They said she started talking about Diane and how much she misses her and wished she knew what really happened that night. They said she became emotional during the drive back; so we decided wait until after she leaves, since she is 89 and not in the best of health. They will take her back tomorrow. Having a house guest is another reason I have not been able to post and read post as often as I would like to. Still, I never forget to pray for one and all.

I can relate to the emotional state these special days bring on. Although August 16th is still a long way off, I have already started praying that God will give me the strength to make it through her birthday, and also August 31st. It helps to know that I will be prayed for by all the moms who pray here. :)
Love,
Verna

Hello Verna, thank you for your prayers, through the prayers and thoughtful gestures of many, Shane's birthday was made a great deal easier for myself and my husband. We attended a Mass in his name also, and that always lifts my spirits. But it was still a reflective, sometimes sad day, wishing that he was still here with us, and remembering and wondering what his life would have been like now.
That's so nice that you had company, at the age of 89 you can do whatever you want to, you've definitely earned it!
That's too bad you couldn't visit those sites, but if it would have upset your grandmother, then it was better not to, just go on your own if and when you are able. We know that you never forget to pray for us, as I said to Yvonne, we're all a 'sisterhood' and can lean on each other during the rough spells, and know that others will understand here, God bless you all! Thank you for your prayers once again, Verna, and you know that our's are with you too,
Luv Sandy

Hello mmellow, I surfed on over to the site you posted, and it truly is a wonderful one, what a special thing to do for children who are ill! I had never heard of the site before, so I thank you once again for posting it here, one would get as much out of it as the child would, as well as their family. Whoever came up with this concept did a very wonderful thing, and may God bless them abundantly!
Luv Sandy

Dear Sandy,~Thank you for your kind words and for praying for me. I agree with what you said about us moms being a sisterhood. Few people can understand what losing a child is like. Realizing this makes it a little easier on us. Still, it means so much to us when others make the effort to reach out in love, even though it is impossible for them to fully understand. That is one of the things that makes this prayer circle so special. We know that it's a safe place where we can express whatever we are feeling. Sometimes we share fond memories, and sometimes we need to express the pain we feel in our hearts at any given moment. The special days are always hard to handle. Sometimes, even fond memories can bring on the tears, and the longing to see and hold our child close,... just one more time! I remember once a lady walked up to me while I was shopping in a drug store. She said she was sorry for following me around, but that I reminded her so much of her daughter, whom she had lost recently. I told her that I was so sorry to hear of her loss, and that I would pray and ask God to give her the strength she needed to go on. I also told her that my heart went out to her, and that I couldn't imagine what it must be like to lose one's child. Little did I know that the day would come when I would know all too well. Still, it was an experience that helped me to understand the difference between knowing what it is like as apposed to trying to imagine what it might be like. Before I lost my Diane, I had difficulty just thinking about what losing either of my children would do to me. There was no doubt in my mind that I would never be able to go on. That's why I know there is a loving God who gives us the strength to go on; no matter how hard it is to do so. There are days when something will happen to remind me that my child is no longer here, and that the feelings I still have from time to time that she will walk through the door at any moment, yelling, "Hellooo Motherrrr!" as only she could,... is just an illusion, or wishful thinking. It's then, that I try once again to understand King David's view of losing his son, as expressed in II Samuel 12:22-23. In his book:When Bad Things Happen To Good People, Harold S. Kushner shares these verses in memory of his son Aaron Zev Kushner, 1963-1977:

And David said: While the child was yet alive, I fasted and wept, for I said, Who knows whether the Lord will be gracious to me and the child will live. But now that he is dead, why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he will not return to me. (II Samuel 12:22-23)

I guess this is one of the most vivid reminders that a mother's grief is uniquely different, and in my opinion, always will be. Fathers grieve deeply, but differently. They appear to be stronger than most of us moms. I think God may have planned it that way. :) Only God, and other bereaved moms can really know what losing a child does to that child's mother. I know in my heart that I will see my child again someday in heaven; but I will always miss my precious and fun loving daughter for as long as I live. :) I know other moms feel the same about their son or daughter. I just thank God, Beliefnet, and you, Sandy, for providing us moms with such a warm loving, and place to share what we are feeling in our hearts, at any given moment. I can assure you the other moms, who post here from time to time, or on a regular basis, feel the same.:)

Again, thank you; and all the other moms who post here, for all the love and compassion, and sharing from the heart. Whether it's a valley day or a hilltop day, we alway know that it's OK, and we will be embraced by all! :)May God richly bless you, Sandy, and your family; and also all the other moms and their families always!:)
Love2 All,
Verna

Dear Father;~ Thank You for family and friends who wish so much that they could take away our pain. Father, please reveal to them that we know they can't remove the pain that we feel because of our losses. But Father, please, please reveal to friends and family how it makes us moms feel when they avoid us or try not to mention our child's name. Lord, it's so hard on us when this happens! Lord, let them know that sometimes it helps to hear our child's name. Sometimes just expressing their sorrow over our loss in their own way, helps us to know that we don't have to carry our cross alone! Father, I thank You for sending Your Son to die for us, so that we might one day see our precious children and other loved ones again someday. Thank You Father for all the wonderful blessings our children and other loved ones began receiving the moment they entered the gates of heaven. Thank You for embracing them, Father, and for giving them everlasting life forevermore! Father, please, continue to give us the help and strength we need to carry on. And, Lord, we thank You for sending us signs on a regular basis, to let us know that our precious children are always near in spirit. Please, Lord, keep sending those precious signs! :) These things I ask, in Jesus' name, Amen

Dear Dovesfromheaven,(Yvonne)~ I just love reading your posts. :) They are always filled with such wisdom and compassion! Even during the times when you are feeling the pain of missing your precious son, Joe, your words still touch me so deeply, and make me want to reach out and pray for you and all the other moms whom I know are feeling that same kind of pain. I always feel so inspired after reading one of your posts. :) I had to smile when I read the part about your most recent revelation from God. I also smiled because that is generally the way I open a book to look for something;(flipping pages from the back). Getting back to what happened; I, too, feel that it was God's way of letting you know that your precious Joe is OK. And, no, that was no coincident.:) Through the years, God has sent me so many signs, until at one point, I begged Him to please stop! :) You see, I knew that there was something important God wanted me to do, and at that time, I just didn't feel up to the task! :) I knew that God was getting ready to use me to reach out and embrace other bereaved moms. The problem for me was, I didn't think I was strong enough to do it! :) In fact, Yvonne, I told God I really didn't know how to pray! :) That's why I love to say, from the bottom of my heart, "Isn't God wonderful!"

God bless you, Yvonne. :) Just keep trusting in God, and expecting more doves, as well as other signs. Your dove is just one of the ways God has chosen to let you know that your Joe is alive in heaven with Him, and He will continue to assure you of this. :)

Sometimes, I imagine all of our children surrounging God, taking turns through out the day, saying, "God,... would You please send my mom another sign?" :)
Love,
Verna

Dear Babbs,(Barbara)~ Just a note to let you know I tried to post at Jason's memorial site only to be cut off just as I almost finished. Just wanted to let you know that I am still praying for you and I'll try to post later today at Jason's memorial site. I type so slowly, I guess Beliefnet just got tired of me. :) I've been online all night. :) God bless you and family always and I pray that God will give you those moments of peace for which we pray.
Love,
Verna

Hello Verna, nice to see you posting again, and such beautiful prayers. Yes, we are a 'sisterhood' of moms, women, who have experienced the ultimate loss. Together we garner strength and love and prayers from each other, to carry us through and help us along on our own individual Journeys.
I know what you mean about your story re the woman in the drug store, I had heard of mothers who had lost a child, but I just couldn't fathom how deep their pain was until I lost my Shane. Now I know. The pain was so great after Shane passed away, that for the first year I would pray every night to God to take me home too, I didn't want to live. Of course He didn't listen to me, :) so I know that He still has plans for me. It was the pain talking to God, not me really. Now of course I can fully relate to moms who've lost their children, and just recently contacted an old friend, who had lost her 2 year old many years ago, and told her that finally now I understand how she feels, and felt. So yes, we wondered before how these moms felt, but we couldn't possibly really know until it happened to us. I also think it helps tremendously if you have a strong faith base, because having God by your side in those early years and then further along, carries you through.
We're always going to have our bad days, something will spark a memory in us and we'll experience that great pain again, and some days will be good, when we can smile, laugh, at something our child has said or done. It's a lifelong process, but together we'll make it through with the help of Our Lord. May God bless you Verna, and love and prayers to you,
Luv Sandy
p.s. I read that book by the good Rabbi and it was a wonderful read, I'd recommend it highly to any bereaved mom.

HELLO MOMS,
SORRY I HAVENT POSTED IN AWHILE. I HAD COMPUTER PROBLEMS THIS TIME. IT'S FIXED NOW. I'VE BEEN HAVING DIFFICULT DAYS THINKING OF MY SON ALOT AND WISH HE WAS HERE WITH US. SOME DAYS IT'S BEEN HARD TO PUT A SMILE ON MY FACE BUT I DO. I THINK IT'S BECAUSE OF THE GIRL GOING TO COURT AND I WAS VERY UPSET NOT NOTIFIED ABOUT IT. STILL WAITING FOR A PHONE CALL FROM THE LAWYER THOUGH. BESIDES THAT I DID PASS MY MATH CLASS SO NOW I'M CLOSER TO GRADUATE NOW.

DEAR LOVE2U HAPPY 61 ST. BIRTHDAY AND MANY MORE TO COME YOUR WAY.

KITAGRILL1 SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT THE LOSS OF YOUR GRAND CHILD AND I PRAY THAT YOUR DAUGHTER AND FAMILY WILL HAVE THE STRENGHT THEY NEED TO GUIDE THEM THROUGH THIS ROUGH TIME IN THIER LIFE RIGHT NOW.
SHANER I KNOW THE PAIN IS VERY HARD WHEN A YOUR CHILD'S BIRTHDAY IS HERE AND WE DON'T CELEBRATE WITH FAMILY AND FRIENDS. IT HURTS SO MUCH WHEN WE GO TO CELEBRATIONS FOR OTHER FAMILY AND FRIENDS AND ALL WE THINK ABOUT IS HOW WE WISH OUR CHILD WAS HERE TO JOIN IN THE HAPPYNESS. I PRAY FOR YOU AND HOPE TO EASE SOME OF YOUR PAIN AS WELL AS THE OTHER MOMS WHO'S CHILDS BIRTHDAY IS COMING UP, OR EVEN THE ANN.
DEAR FATHER PLEASE HELP US MOMS WHO ARE HAVING A HARD TIME FROM THE LOSS OF OUR CHILDREN AND HELP GIVE US STRENGHT AND GUIDNESS TO MAKE IT THROUGH ANOTHER DAY I ASK THIS IN YOUR NAME THE FATHER AMEN.

Hi Debby, it's so nice to see you posting again. I'm happy that your computer woes are behind you, we've all experienced them too, at one time or another, and I certainly miss mine when I have problems! I always ask God to bless my computer! I guess this has been a down week for the two of us, thank goodness we have this Circle and the other wonderful moms to turn too when we're feeling that way. As I've said, we're a sisterhood, and together we look after each other, helping out as best we can! I hope you receive the call from your lawyer soon, put your mind more at ease.
That's so terrific that you passed your math exam, you must be proud of yourself, and I know that your Michael is too. Yes, one more step closer to graduation! That's a wonderful accomplishment.
Yes, Shane's birthday was a hard day for me, my husband and our other son, but together we got through it, remembering all the wonderful birthdays that we did share together, 24 glorious ones, and we commemorated it in our own way, attending Church. Thank you for your beautiful prayer for me and for all of us, we truly appreciate it, and you know that our love and prayers are always with you!
Luv Sandy

Dear Verna, Thank you for writing to me. It means so much to have others think of you. I hope you are doing ok and by the way, 'HAPPY BELATED 61ST BIRTHDAY!!!!! It sounds like you had a good day. You know I wrote back to you yesterday and I guess it was too long because after I submitted it, I lost it! Darn, it was everything I had on my heart at the moment. Oh well! Maybe I just needed to write out my feelings about some things and they really weren't for others to read, I don't know. I kind of felt that way though that it wasn't meant to be. I wanted to let you know that what you said about the signs that I keep getting just filled me with such emotion and confirmation about what God has in store for me. I just cried and cried, like I haven't cried for awhile. There is so much I have in my thoughts that I need to do and want to do. But like you I wasn't ready before. I think because of the pain, I didn't want to hurt anymore than I already did, you know? I have done alot of journeling over the last 2-1/2 years and have them all dated and would like someday to compile them. Alot of them were small notes I wrote down on little pieces of paper, but I kept them all because I knew someday I would want to read them again. And I want to start on a memory album for Joseph after the wedding and then do one for each of the kids after that. That may take me years but that's ok. I also want to write about Joe's life. I started that just 6 weeks after he died and only got to the day he was born and it was so painful that I stopped and haven't gone back to it since. But now I feel that I could begin again, maybe? So, getting back to the signs, I don't know why God continues to give them to me, I certainly don't deserve them. Maybe I just need to say Ok to Him! He's been so good to me and I love Him so much. I want to do what He wants for my life. And I am willing. I have learned so much from Joe's death, more than I ever would have imagined. I just feel like it's too bad it had to happen to get my attention. It has made my walk with Jesus that much closer and my dependance on Him is a must now daily! Thank you Verna for your words of 'Wisdom' from God to me! I love you and God Bless you today!
Love, Yvonne<><

Dear Dovesfromheaven, (Yvonne)~ Your post brought tears of joy to my eyes! :) God is so good to us moms, isn't He? :) He always blesses us when we have the desire to reach out and bless others who are hurting; even as we, ourselves, are hurting. It's as though He is using us to do His work,(as Sandy has so often said.) :) And, like you, and so many of the other moms who post here, it has taken a long time and a whole lot of heartaches for me to get to where I am today... as it relates to my undying faith in God!
Shortly after my daughter, Diane, was killed in such a tragic manner, I had such mixed feelings in my heart and mind about God and His love for all mankind. And, of course, satan saw to it that I would spend most of my time blaming God for all that had happened. As you and I know, [and also a lot of the other moms who are strong in their faith and also, have come far enough in their journey of grief], that's just how satan works. If he (satan)can keep us vocused on the tragic memories, the anger, the regrets, we will miss many of the revelations/sighs that God keeps sending to us to let us know that our children are alive and well in His kingdom! Those revelations, which come in the form of little signs; such as your dove, eudora's penny, shaner's whisper in her ear to start this prayer circle, Tammy's compassion for all of us moms, Plapfm's reaching out to other perspective moms, and all the other moms who reach out to others in their own way, even as they, themselves are grieving,...all of these things were God inspired! We all are at different stages in what we refer to as the grieving process. This, too, is God inspired! It is God's way of letting us know that at every stage, He will send the messanger, (His Holy Spirit) to us, and embrace us, and assure us of His undying, and unconditional love!
If anyong had told me that I would be able to come this far in my faith, especially after I lost my precious Diane, I would have thought them insane! :) I hope and pray that I am making sense, so that all the moms who read this, will someday be able to look back and say, "Now, I understand!" :) You see, I don't know the exact method, or way God will choose to reveal things to the other moms who have not yet arrived. I just know in my heart that He will! :) No matter how far down we might fall while is the mist of the storms of life, God is already there; waiting to pick us up, and carry us in His arms until once again,...we become whole! :)
So, I say to you, and all the other moms who post here; God loves you! :) And, no matter what,...He always will! As God inspired someone to write: The distance between a problem and the solution is as close as the distance between our knees and the floor. :) I may not have quoted the saying exactly, but the meaning is clear. :)

As for the things that God has inspired you to do for your precious Joe, and your other children; keep those God inspired thoughts close to your heart! The things God whispers in our ear are a part of the ultimate purpose we are still here! :)

Yvonne, as usual, I have so much more to say to you and the other moms, but, company just walked in, and I don't want to lose this post, so I will close! :) Please forgive all mistakes! :)
Love,
Verna

Dear Love2u,
how true you are. When Michael died I use to ask my self why? Why mu Michael. I blamed god because he was such a good kid. But I went to church and prayed and turned my faith into believing in it again and I can understand more now then before. If I didn't have my faith I don't know what might of happened to me. The circle has helped me alot to. Everyone has so many kind words and I listen and take them to heart. Some days I'm in a daze and I come to the circle and read the post that are here and It helps me alot, so I would like to say thank you to all the moms who have helped me and God Bless You!

LUV DEBBY

HELLO SHANER,

I HOPE YOUR DOING BETTER NOW, I'VE BEEN HOME WORK SINCE THURSDAY AND BEEN DOING ALOT OF THINKING. I WAS IN A DAZE THE FIRST 2 DAYS BUT I'M DOING BETTER NOW. THINKING OF MICHAEL AND OTHER THINGS FROM WORK AND I FELT I NEEDED TO TAKE SOME TIME OFF AND SPEND IT WITH MY SON CHRISTOPHER. WE HAD A BLAST JUST THE TWO OF US WHILE DAD WAS WORKING. I THINK WE BOTH NEEDED SOME TIME TOGETHER. WE HORSED AROUND DID SOME CRYING AND HUGGED AND HORSED AROUND SOME MORE. TALKED ABOUT MICHAEL ALOT AND THE THINGS THAT HE AND HIS BROTHER HAVE DONE AND THE THINGS THEY DID, WE WONT EVEN GO THERE HA HA. THEY WERE BEST FRIENDS. I KNOW AT TIMES IT'S VERY DIFFICULT FOR CHRIS BUT HE IS STRONG LIKE ME AND WE CAN TALK. ALOT OF TIMES HE WILL TALK TO MY SISTER AND THEN IF IT'S REAL IMPORTANT SHE WILL TALK TO ME THAT WAY I KNOW HOW HE IS DOING.
I WANT TO SAY THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR LISTENING AND I WILL KEEP YOU AND THE OTHER MOMS IN MY PRAYERS. GOD BLESS YOU!

LUV DEBBY

P.S.
GOD NOT ONLY HEARS OUR WORDS,
HE LISTENS TO OUR HEARST.

Dear Deborahpoo, (Debbie)~ Thank you for the belated birthday wish. :) I am sorry about the problems you've had with your computer. I think my computer is getting to the point where it needs a complete overhaul! :) It works fine for a few days and then all of a sudden it starts slowing down again. I think it may be due to my lack of knowledge about the technical details involved in keeping it up and running. :) That's why whenever it is acting OK, I try to do as many post as possible. There is still so much I don't understand about them. Maybe if I would just get rid of all of the junk mail that's in my mailbox, it would help. Sometimes, my daughter just shakes her head and laughs and says to her husband, "James, come look at this! Mama has over 200 new emails in her box and, look, ... over 2000 in her file cabinet!" Of, course, I just look wide eyed and innocently respond, "So?" :) Then, I add, "Am I supposed to open, read, and delete them?" :) Then, she tries to grab me around the neck, playfully, as we all have a good laugh. :) Then, my son-in-law takes over and tries to rescue my computer again! (laugh)

Debbie, I am so very sorry that your have been having a valley period. God knows, we all have them from time to time. I am sharing this long post with you; but it's also meant to encourage other bereaved moms too. :) I pray that some of the things I share will be of some help to all who may read it. :) So, ... no in advance, this is just one of the ways God allows me to deal with my own personal grief. :) Having said that, I will continue. :)

(Part 2)
When it comes to grieving our losses, one day, we do OK, then the next day, we feel as though we are not able to go on. Whenever this happens, just try hard to remember that God already has the situation under control. :) It just takes a while for us to realize this. I've been on this road a long time, but still, there are times I have to remind myself that God's will; [which is not always necessarily the same as mine], ... will be done!:) The hardest part for us, ... is to learn to lean on Him, (God), and allow Him to handle the situation for us; situations which we cannot foresee, or handle by ourselves. It is a part of our human spirit to want to handle the many storms of life our way! That is how human nature. God has given us a free will. :) And, most of the time, we feel we can handle things on our own. However, there will be times when the storms we are caught up in and struggling with, are just too much to handle on our own! It is then that we must learn to let go and let God! And, ... that's not always an easy thing to do! :)
I can tell you (and the other moms) this now, ... because I have been where many of you are now in your grieving process. That's why I can relate to what you are going through. As I've said many times before, no one but you and God can know exactly how deeply you are grieving. Though each Mom grieves in her own way, there are some common elements that we all share.
When I was in the early stages of my grieving, I had a very, very difficult time seeing God's hand in all that was going on! It seemed that every time I thought that I was about to make a little progress in accepting my loss, ... and all the other things I was trying to deal with; such as teaching, making detailed lesson plans, attending meetings and work shops,pulling morning and afternoon duty, writing IEP's :), ... grading papers, etc...and all the while putting on a brave face to hide all the grief and hurt I was still feeling, ... that was connected to that loss, ... something else bad would happen to add to my burdens!
I kept trying to figure out why all of these bad and tragic things kept happening to me and those that I loved.

(Part 3) :)
It all started with the tragic and unexpected death of my precious daughter, Diane. As you, and most of the other moms know, Diane was killed in a very tragic chain reaction wreck, which involved 2 cars (she was a front seat passenger in one of the cars), 2 pickup trucks, and drunk driving. When I first heard the news, ... that alone, in my opinion, ... should have been enough to withstand. But there was so much more piled up on top of that. Once I got through the initial shock, the details of what happened started coming in... (it took months before I could read the accident report). But I learned that same night, (or rather, in the wee hours of the morning, of September 1, 1996); that my child had been ejected from the car at some point, and no one knew when. If they did, they weren't telling. :) Also, had it not been for a young boy who was a back seat passenger in the car Diane was riding in, the rescue team would not have known to look for my child's body! The driver of the car she was riding in was knocked unconscious, and could not remember who all was in the car, once revived. The highway was so very dark. They had to block off the highway, and bring in search lights to search for my child's body!

(Part 4)
For months, ... I wondered, ... How long did all of this take! Was Diane still alive? Was she afraid? Did she call out to me? ... It never was learned at what point she was ejected from the car. The driver of the first car that hit them, left the scene of the accident, to get help for themselves and their injuries; leaving the now disabled car sitting in the middle of the darken highway! The next vehicle to hit the now disabled car was a pickup truck; which was said to be drag racing with another pickup truck. The first pickup truck then hit the disabled car; knocking it farther down the highway. Then, the final pickup hit the disabled car; knocking it off the highway into a ditch, and landed on top of the car in which Diane had been riding. Someone from a nearby business heard the initial crash, and second and third crashes and called 911. Once they arrived on the scene, ... the rescue team had to use the jaws of life to get the driver of the car that Diane had been riding in, and his little nephew out of the car. I later was told they were returning from a family reunion gathering at the home of the young man.
My husband had learned of these things before waking me up to tell me of our tragic loss, and all that he had managed to find out. Four hours had passed before I learned of my child's death. Ironically, ... I was the first to know that something had happened, (I believe) at the exact time of the wreck! :) You and the other moms will read about it someday, in my book Chain Reaction. :) I am in the process of applying for a grant; so hopefully it will happen soon. :)
Then, Debbie, after learning my child had been killed, I learned I would not be allowed to see my child until 3 days later! (Diane was killed August 31, 1996, on a Labor Day weekend.) According to the accident report, three of the four drivers involved, tested positive for drinking. As for the other driver, (the one whose car first hit the car in which Diane was a passenger), the DWI test was said to be pending. We never learned the test results on that driver! I'm sure I could have found out; but, back then, I just couldn't handle it! As I told one reporter in an interview which took place in December of 1996, The less I knew, the better I could handle it at that time. :) And, we never heard from any of the drivers accept for one; the driver of the car in which Diane was riding. There is so much more but I'll stop here on this issue. :)