Prayer Circles

JANE, I've added Hilda to my prayers!
Love and (((HUGS))),
Charlene

Dear Sisters,

I am so sorry that I have not been here. I am having a very difficult time. I am completely emotional and Physically ill. I am just not myself right now and posting today I am hoping is a sign that I will be ok. My visit to my son was wonderful and also sad. We so miss Wesley. "I love you Mom, I will see you tomorrow, we will go have lunch at the little mexican place across the street from the park ok?" "I love you too Wes, that would be fun, be careful and stay out of trouble." Those were the exact and the last words we spoke to each other. Those words are playing through my mind over and over. How I miss him, talking to him, hearing him. My love to you all and remember that I hold you all in my thoughts and prayers no matter what.
Kathy

KATHY, thank you for posting; coming out of your 'shell' and sharing is a good thing for you to do. You will get heartfelt prayers for peace and a sense of God holding you (and Wes) in His arms. We love you!
Love and (((HUGS))),
Charlene

Kathy hang in there better days are coming! I sure we all can remember the last things said or done. I know I can. Ryan sat at the kitchen table and ate lunch with me. we did not say anything because I know him and his girlfriend were fighting and I never said anything not unless they asked and then I would always try to see both sides because I really liked this one and tried to help both. That was the last time I saw him alive. He died in his sleep and he was going to the city to see about getting his crane operators license the next morning and was very excited. He had just gotten into the ironworkers union and was very proud of that and so was the whole family. Enough of my babbling on. JUST HANG IN THERE. We are here for you.
Lee Ann

Our dear Kathy,
How I wish I could reach through this Computer and hug you and listen to you as you let your tears out! You're still a newly bereaved Mom and you're still experiencing that gut wrenching pain that can bring us to our knees, it hurt's so bad. You have to give yourself more time, lot's of it, what you're feeling right now is very normal, those of us further along the Road still remember only too well that 24/7 pain that felt as though it was ripping our heart sowly in two and all the different emotions that we'd never experienced before flooding us, asking ourselves if we were 'going crazy', but I assure you that you're not, grieving is a very complex process, I now realize. It also take's it toil on you physically, it can make you ill, but please go and see your G.P. if you can, it never hurt's to get a check-up and let your Dr. know what's happening in your life.
Remember, you always have us, you know we care and as we've said before, if you can't post, just post Help and we know then you need prayers right away.
Be gentle with yourself, you're grieving deeply and that's OK,
Much love & Angel Hugs,
Sandy

Dear Kathy,
I am so sorry for what you are experiencing. I agree with Sandy, grief is hard work and takes a lot of time and energy. I remember the last words I had with Elizabeth and they weren't nice, especially for a baby 8 weeks old. She was real fussy (very unusual for her) and I just told her if she didn't want to eat, then cry herself to sleep. She was dead within the hour. I can't believe that I just shared this because I have never shared it with anyone, ever. The guilt I felt was overwhelming and even after 28 yrs I still have trouble with it. My head knows that SIDS is not preventable, at least at that time, however my heart still believes that if I had not left her she would still be alive. I try hard not to think about it, but it is coming to that part of the year again and those thoughts still creep in. My grief is no longer overwhelming but the sad days still come. As has been said many times, the death of a child forever changes us. We do however have choices on how we will react to those changes. Hang in there, you are making the right choices. Know you are in my prayers. Love, Jane

PS Kathy,
That "HELP" message really works. I know because I used it here not so long ago. Sometimes that's all we can say at the time. Love, Jane

Our dear Charlene, today is a special day for you, your Carey Grace's Birthday. I hope the weather is good for you, so that you can put the Spring flowers and Rose at her grave. It always help's a little bit when we do something tangible on these days.
I bet Elvis sand Happy Birthday to her, :). May you experience more good memories than sad one's, my love and prayers are with you especially today,
Much love & Angel Hugs,
Sandy

Thank you Sandy! Yes, we got out early and bought our rose for Carey's birthday; we put it and the spring flowers at the girls' gravesite. It's a beautiful day, but a little cool so I had to wear my coat. I'm doing better today than I was yesterday; I'm keeping myself busy and that helps. I thought about playing the Elvis cd today that I have, but I don't think I can do that today. It made me smile, though, to read your comment about Elvis singing happy birthday to her; I can still see the pure delight on her face when we visited Graceland.
Love and (((HUGS))) to you all,
Charlene

Dear Charlene,
I also want to say that I'm praying for you today. I am so glad you were able to place the flowers on the gravesite. And that's all it is, a site because your precious Carey Grace is with Jesus. Somehow I don't think we can beam flowers up to Heaven so having a designated site is a place where we can honor our loved ones. I pray the rest of your day is filled with peace and happy memories. It's been quite a while since you have spoken of your relationship with your daughter (the girl's mother). Have things improved at all? Know that I am still praying about that.

I also want you to know how special you have become to me. Even through your own pain, you have never not responded to my requests for prayer. Thank you for that. Love, Jane

Thank you Jane; that's what I believe too, that the gravesite is just a place where their bodies are buried. Putting flowers or statues or plaques there just shows to other people (for me) how much they were loved and are missed. It helps that the cemetery is just 3 miles from our house; that way we can easily go there anytime we want to. What they're experiencing now is something that we here on earth can only imagine. It's got to be wonderful! Some days I can hardly wait to go there and other days I say 'not yet, Lord, there's too much to do before I come home'. He keeps blessing us with more grandkids and that doesn't make up for the loss of the others but at least it makes me smile. :o)
Things are somewhat different with my daughter. She is friendly when we're together but she doesn't initiate any conversations. She still doesn't come by or call us like she used to; if one of her kids has a ballgame or event, our granddaughter (she's 10 now) is the one who calls us and tells us. Things are not what they were when the girls were still alive, but that's to be expected. I still don't know what I've done wrong and I may never know. It may not even be anything that I've done, but her attitude at the time that was so full of anger and I was the outlet. But hopefully she'll start missing us and want to contact us again. I do know that she's hardly ever home and that tells me that she's running away from her grief. I'm just trying to give her 'space' and of course I keep praying for her. No matter how badly I feel about the loss of the girls, for her it's got to be 10 times as bad or worse. Thanks for asking.
Love and (((HUGS))),
Charlene

Dear Charlene,
Some people keep running until they reach that brick wall. Then there's no choice they have to deal with it. You may be right about your daughter feeling the loss 10 times worse. However, I have vivid memories of my Gram when my brother died. My parents were like zoombies, they were so medicated. Gram on the other hand collapsed when I brought her to the funeral home. Later the only thing my mother would speak of about my brother's death was the expense. She didn't have to pay anything because my brother had a huge settlement from a previous car accident. All his final bills were paid and each of his siblings received around 3,000. Gram, on the other hand grieved deeply. She was the one who went to the "Whys." My brother's death also meant the family name had ended. I do have another brother, but because of his handicap he cannot have children. I don't think either grandparent ever really got over that. My Grandfather was a first generation American, came through Elis Island, my Gram was a second generation. They were both very proud of their German heritage, but prouder of being Americans. So it was a huge disappointment for them that the family name would no longer be in America. To the best of my knowledge my mom never really grieved for my brother. So sad for her because I think it's one of the reasons she isolates from the family. She's the type of person none of us would have a heart to heart with. Gram was always able to. Maybe she was able to because she had allowed her heart to be broken. Just some of my thoughts, take it leave it. Still love you, Jane

Jane,
Thank you for sharing all that with me (us). No wonder you were so close to your Gram; she sounds like she was 'real'. You were blessed to have her in your life!
I didn't comment earlier about your memories of your last moments with Elizabeth. The 'what ifs' will eat us alive if we will let them; that's when I just have to ask God's forgiveness and let Him handle everything from then on. When the 'what ifs' come again, I just make a conscious effort to let God handle them; we can't change the past even though we wish we could. Maybe some day we won't have those thoughts any more and life will get easier. :o)
Love you sis,
Charlene

I know about those " what if's" I drive my self crazy with them some times. I get to the point and just think about myRyan and the " what ifs" come up and I have to tell myself the Lord took him for a reason and I will never know why and I can't wonder about a future that will not happen and a past that happened the way it happened because the Lord wanted it that way. My son was the one to carry on the family name but I guess that won't happen. I hope he is with his grandfather that took pride in this grandson and his grandson loved him dearly. Enough of my talking. Love you all and I will pray for you all tonight.
Lee Ann

Dear Charlene,
I usually don't allow myself to go to the "what ifs" because it's useless. However, the recent death of Gram have brought up some pretty painful memories. I think that's pretty normal, our minds reconnect with other losses. When I last posted I was remembering my last time with Elizabeth. I know I was very tired as are all new moms. She was crying and not wanting to eat. It was so unusual because she had only cried once a day at exactly 10:30 PM previously. When I posted I had just read Kathy's and Lee Ann's last words, which were so positive to their sons. I just suddenly reconnected with my last words which were not positive. I think it was time to come out because I have kept it a secret for so many years. When she died I called my mother first. Doesn't every daughter want to seek comfort from their mother? The first thing my mom said was "What did you leave a blanket in to suffocate her?" I never knew how much damage that statement caused until years later. On the other hand, when I called Gram, she just cried and said, "Dear Heart, I am so sorry." She later sent me a card writing something like "I know you don't believe it right now, but your faith will get you through this." What a difference huh? This weekend I'm realizing there is still some forgiveness issues with my mother. More for my sake than hers. Because I know when we harbor unforgiveness it only hurts us. Usually the other person doesn't even know about it. I also know I'm close to putting Gram on a pedestal, which I don't want to do, that's a form of idolatry. I do know that she was very human and had some of her own issues, including my mother. I'm pretty sure she brought that to her death bed. The retreat I went on this weekend really wasn't a retreat for me, it was more of an encounter. I left realizing there was much more healing that needs to be done. Our speaker told us that many of the issues we face are actually old ones that are recycled. It's not that there wasn't any healing, but rather God wants to go deeper in the healing process. Like peeling the layers of an onion. Gram's death was a definite trigger for me, and I will not run if this is recycled pain. When I was driving home I just said outloud, "God if You're behind all this pain, go for it. I'm not running anymore." My question is do we ever really get fully healed from this sort of pain on this side of Heaven? For me it just seems to get revisited every couple of years. I think I'm finally over it and bingo a trigger goes off and the pain returns. It's not the numb, intense pain of when it first happened, it's the deep ache of wanting to hold her again. I am so glad that I know that I know that God is indeed in control. I really can't imagine how people without faith get through. I'm beginning to post like Verna, just rambling, so I'll just ramble out of here. love to all, Jane

My prayers are out for Sandy our angel and for Hilda, that she find some peace and understanding in her loss.
As for our loved ones being able to see us. I do believe in this. I have found such peace in this thought. I have felt so much better when I feel my mom , my dad, Stephanie with me. Have you had a dream? a nice memory out of nowhere? That's them letting you know they are there and are ok. It has helped me so much. I feel such pleasure out of feeling them close to me.
Update: My son Jimmy is in rehab! An angel let him out of jail on thurs aft, and I got to take him home overnight and I took him to rehab on fri AM. Now the prayer is for the long haul. He found God and I pray that this will continue to give him the strength that he needs to stay away from drugs and trouble with the law.
I thank you all for your prayers and like I said before I knew that if I chared my pain with you guys then I would get the help I need. Again you came through. Thank you, love you guys! Chris

Dear Kathy,I remember when I heard that word "time" time will never change the hurt, I thought how could it? Year after year it still hurts so bad how could it get better? I assure you it will! A little at a time, so little that you won't realize it happening. We are not supposed to forget our loved ones just be able to carry the good memories around with us and keep the hurt in a box in the closet (way in the back somewhere). I pray for you, Chris

Jane, What a huge step for you to share that. You felt you could share because we do not judge here. God does not judge either. God also forgives. You were not to blame and I think you know that. But you carry those words around and it's time to let them go. I have an idea for you. Write down those words, put them in a little box, and have a funeral for them, really, burry them for real. Try it, Love Chris

Thank you Chris, that's a great idea. So happy Jimmy is in rehab. Be assured my prayers are with your whole family during this time. How awesome he got in as Winter is leaving and Spring is beginning. A new beginning for all of you. Love, Jane

Hi dear Chris, oh yes, I've always believed (and still do) that our loved one's who've gone before us can see us.
I've also been blessed to have Shane come to me in the dream state, I'll never forget that visit, it was too real to be just a dream. And the other numerous sign's he's left for me, God is so good to us who are grieving!
Oh, I'm so happy for Jimmy and you too of course, that was the first big step, entering Rehab! That's wonderful, they're trained to help whereas trying on one's own very seldom work's. So he's in the right place!
Continued prayers and let us know how he's doing as well as you,
Much love & {{Hugs}}
Sandy

Dear Jane, I think it did you a world of good to let all these feelings out, you know by now that this is a very safe place to do so. A 'soft place to fall' on us and sometimes just an 'ear', when we let out painful, intimate details of our lives. We can also be that 'ear' for you and any other Mom who want's to do as you did, let all the painful memories of year's ago out, without responding back. Its definitely not a lack of compassion, you know we all care and you (should) know by now that our prayers are with you, during this painful and vulnerable time for you. I read what you posted to Charlene and I though uh-oh, are we slipping up again? So I went back a few pages and I had responded to every post where you needed prayers. However, if there's something bothering you, you know by now you can post and let us know! Or, maybe you do love Charlene the best, :)
Everyday, I pray for all members of this Circle on a daily basis, its a bid part of the strength of this Circle that I believe strongly that God has blessed!
I love you all and may God continue to bestow His blessings upon all,
Much love & Hugs,
Sandy

Oh Sandy,
I pray you didn't take my words to Charlene the wrong way. There was a very short period when it seemed that Charlene and I were the only ones posting. I knew it was a special day or close to it when I wrote what I did. I meant it as an encouragement to her. I do so appreciate you, and everyone else. No I don't love Charlene the best, I love all of you so much you have no idea. So no one is slipping and I'm really sorry you felt that way.

Today is the first "good" day I have had in a while. Work was crazy because I was by myself for over 3 hrs but it actually helped because I was so busy. I'm becoming really good at multitasking with my customers. I was placing an order on the computer for one customer, while someone else was on another computer looking for what he needed. At the same time I was on the phone with another store looking for something for someone else. No one complained because they didn't have my undivided attention. What I have learned is if I tell my customers the truth, they usually understand and are helpful. Today the truth was 2 people quit without giving a 2 wk notice and all the managers had to be in a meeting. No help was coming for awhile. I'm sure the store manager would not have approved, but the truth works for me most of the time.

GTG for now, just found out I'm by myself all day tomorrow and have to work an extra hour. Love to ALL, Jane

Hi dear Jane,
Oh gosh, no, I was just teasing you when I said that about Charlene, that's why I put a smilie at the end!
It's hard sometimes conveying humor, joking in the written word, it doesn't always come out the same when you can't see facial expresions, etc. No, I was concerned we were slipping up in the prayer needs, we surely don't want that happening again! So everything is copasetic :).
After all you've been through lately, you deserved the good day yesterday, being that busy helped to keep your mind at the task's at hand. That was quite a juggling act with the customers, I fully agree, if you tell them the truth, they'll be more co-operative with you and a happy customer is going to appreciate your honesty! Oh no, if two people up and quit, I hope your Supervisor doesn't expect you to work everyday until replacements are found, it would be too much for you, especially right now. Take care of yourself,
Much love & Hugs,
Sandy

Hi all!
I didn't even have my computer turned on yesterday because of lightning storms; at least we're getting much-needed rain again. It's good to see water in the ditches and streams again; even though it makes for gloomy, cloudy days.
I've been occupied making pajamas for my grandkids for Easter. I started this project 5 years ago and goofed on the first pair that I was sewing, so I quit. Now I'm determined to get at them again and get them all done. I'm halfway there, but yesterday I had to go to the lady who does massage on my back and neck because my right fingers were kinda numb and my neck ached something fierce. Today I'm just trying to rest because I hurt all over (from overdoing on the sewing I think). I'll get back to it hopefully next week.
I need your prayers. It's a long story, but I haven't seen or talked to my husband's parents in over 5 years (even though they live just a quarter mile from us); the last words I heard from his mom's mouth were to get out of her house and don't come back. We were notified this morning that my husband's mom passed away early this morning; she had been in ill health for a couple of years. I'm in a dilemma whether or not to attend the 'family' functions or whether or not to even go to the funeral. My husband has said that he's not going, but I really want to do what's 'right'.
Thanks for all your support!
Love and (((HUGS))),
Charlene