I'm back 'among the living' so to speak, with minimal pain this morning. I slept through the night last night with only a little discomfort so I'm very thankful for that. EVERY joint in my body hurt yesterday so I went to my dr. and he gave me heat and massage treatments; I'm just so glad to be up and going again. Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers; they are very much appreciated!!
Connie, I'm so glad that Derrick's memorial service went well; now you will have new memories when you think of him. And yes tears are a normal part of our lives now, whether sad or glad as you say. Thank you for sharing your day with us.
You all send some of your rain my way! We are VERY dry here; we got 3" about 2 weeks ago but it soaked right in and didn't even leave puddles. Our soybeans look good until you look closely at the pods that are EMPTY. I don't know if they will go ahead and fill out with beans or just dry up if we don't get any rain.
Love to you all,
p.s. Lisa emailed me that I had made an error on her sign-in name on Aaron's March 2 BD. It should say LisaLou862 instead of LosaLou862. Sorry Lisa and thank you for catching that.
~ Please Give Me A Hill ~
I'm climbing mountains,
obeying Thy will,
but Father, just once
could You give me a hill?
My legs now grow weary
my heartís growing weak.
But Father please know,
itís truth that I seek.
If I could just rest,
for a moment or two,
I know Iíd find strength
to climb back to You.
So let me lay down
in the valley and sleep.
Tomorrow Iíll wake,
my promise Iíll keep.
Wrap me up gently
in Your loving arms,
for with You by my side
I will suffer no harm.
I will climb my mountain,
obeying Thy will,
with the hope that soon
You will give me a hill.
I received this poem in my email, and thought it was quite fitting for most of us here. Hope you all enjoy it!
It may be a few days late, but if any of you want to email Phyllis (prayerbunny) personally, I'm sure she won't mind.
Thank you Donna for that poem. Sometimes I feel just like that; just let me rest today Lord, so I can regain my strength and be ready for more work tomorrow. Sometimes I can take a nap and wake up refreshed and ready to go again; then other times when I try to keep going and going, it seems like I end up just running around in circles and accomplishing nothing. Soooooo, even though it seems like sometimes all I do is sleep, I think that is God's way of giving my body energy that I've lost since the shock of Casey and Carey's deaths. Some days it seems like this is taking a long time to recover from; but again I am reminded that it IS going to take a while. This is not something that we're EVER going to 'get over', we just 'get through' one day at a time.
I don't know if I got this thought from the prayer circle here or from somewhere else, but I copied it and have it above my desk as a reminder. (Forgive me if I am repeating something that someone else here just told us.)
"You do not 'get over' grief. Anyone who says that you can, or tells you how they did, is not to be believed. Grief-keepers accept their grief and weave it into the fabric of their souls and lives." by Harold Evan Smith
Thank you again Donna!
Back from my visit to Indiana. Had a great time, Saw many hot air balloons, one was Noah's Arc and another was the "face" of Jesus in a cloud with people on it. They were huge and awesome. Donna, thank you for the poem. So many times we don't take the opportunities given to us to just rest. God knows what He's talking about when He tells us to take a Sabbath. Personally, my Sabbath can't be Sunday, because I usually go to work after church. Right now I work retail and really don't have a choice, but I am very grateful my manager has allowed me to go to church. I do usually take a day or two during the week, just to rest and recoup. Grief is hard work and we must find rest for our weary souls.
Charlene, we never get over grief. How could we? Our lives have been changed forever. However, we can still find joy and peace. When the very worse thing that you could imagine happens and you survive and thrive, you know with Jesus holding your hand, anything that life throws at you will be overcome. Some people tell me that I am a survivor when they hear my stories. My reply is that I am an overcomer, with the help of Jesus. My prayer is that some day each of you will look back and say, "Not only did I survive this awful time, I am an overcomer! Love, Jane
Our dear Charlene, very happy for you that you're feeling so much better!
Prayers do work!, thanks be to God! Just don't overdo it, :-).
Trust me, if we hadsome way to package this rain or clouds for you, we'd gladly do it, ha, ha. We're so tired of it and you need it badly!
Yes, that quote from Harold Evan Smith is from the back pages here somewhere? I recall posting it and I'm glad that you can relate to it so well too,
Love, prayers & Hugs,
Hi dear Donna, yes, that's the Poem you sent me in an e-mail and it surely does fit here - thanks for posting it sweetie!
I e-mailed Phyllis (prayerbunny) and apparently she's having severe problems with her eyesight due to her diabetes, God love her, and can't read here. So when I e-mailed her I used a larger size font.
Let's keep her in our prayers,
Love, prayers & Angel Hugs,
Hello dear Jane and welcome back - sound's as though you had a wonderful time! Did you go up in one of the Balloons?
That's nice that your Manager give's you time off to attend Church, some are not as accomodating, unfortunately.
Hm, I doubt I'll ever be an 'overcomer', I'll always love and miss my Shane, so I stick with the 'survivor' label, but this is a unique Journey in some ways, so if it make's you feel better, that's all that matter's!
Love, prayers & Hugs,
Welcome back Jane! I'm glad you had a good trip; the balloons sound really neat. And thank you for your 'attitude of hope'. Like Verna said the other day, it gives me something and some time to look forward to. You've been 'at this' longer than we have and it helps to know that SOME DAY things will look better than they do now. I too want to be an overcomer but I'm like Sandy and feel like I'm just surviving right now. It's almost like I'm going backwards in my grief; I have trouble looking at the girls' pictures right now without feeling this awful ache deep inside. I just want to give them one more hug; but I know that wouldn't be enough. I'd just want more. Of course it will be only 2 years coming up in Dec. since they've been gone. Thank you so much for being a part of this circle of healing and love!
Sandy, thank you for your prayers and thoughts on my behalf. Yes, it does feel wonderful to feel less pain. It seems like I'm getting over this injury quicker than I did the initial one. I'm so thankful that I can get up and go about my daily routine again! And yes, I got out and watered my flowers this morning because they were getting so dry; I'm going to have to run my soaker hoses again I'm afraid. That won't help the fields but maybe that will bring on the rain.
I'm glad you posted the information about Phyllis; I'll try emailing her today too.
Dear Donna and Charlene,
I'm afraid I was misunderstood, when I used the phrase overcomer, so I'll try to explain what that means to me. When Elizabeth died, I basically had a choice, survive it or die. In many ways, I died. Previously I wrote about not being able to cry. It went further than that. For ten years (which was 10 years after her HD)I was severely mentally ill, with DID. For 5 years I was like a zombie, in my "safe place" where no one could communicate with me. I just sat in a chair in a deserted room and rocked and smoked. I don't remember anything during that period, excepting sitting in that chair. I had survived Elizabeth's death, because I was still alive (much to my displeasure!). Being in the survival mode for me, means I do anything I can to make it through the day. This is a necessary step. To overcome is to take the next step and begin to live a new life. It doesn't mean that I still don't miss my only daughter, even after 27 years, and I'll always love her. Like Smith stated, I weave the grief into the fabric of my life. There are still times when I wonder what she'd be like now. There are still times when I question why, even though I know there are no answers. These days don't happen nearly as frequently as they did 25 years ago, but they still happen. Overcoming to me means I can have those days but not getting stuck there. It means having hope that tomorrow will be better. It's living a life of hope. I'm not saying being a survivor is wrong. We all have to do whatever to survive. What I am saying is that I think there is a step beyond survival. As we all know, our grief journey has no timetable. Each of us takes our own time. For me it was 24 years just trying to survive. I know this is long and rambling, but I hope I was able to clarify myself.
The balloons took off right across the street from my friends house, there were 17 of them. No I didn't ride in any. I did for my 40th birthday though. Love to all of you, Jane
Jane, I suppose 'survival' means different things to different people. It sounds awful what you went through; but you had NO support from family or friends. I am so thankful that I have the ladies here to share with and to 'compare' myself with (so to speak) to see if I'm 'normal' or not. They have all helped me SO MUCH! I'm very glad that I didn't have to wait 20 plus years to get the help I needed like you did.
God bless you today Jane!!
Hello everyone! I guess I survived the death of Marcus, but simply because I'm still alive. (as Jane said, much to my displeasure, some days) It was really odd for me, but I went back to work just days after the funeral. I guess it was almost like being a robot, because my mind wasn't really there. But I had an acquaintance come up and tell me that I was an inspiration because I was proof that you can still "go on". At that point, I didn't feel very 'inspiring'. I was still in the 24/7 (only a week after his death) and thought I had lost my mind. But I couldn't sit in an empty house where I had been with Marcus for the past ten weeks.
There will be good days and bad days, we all know that. I still 'fall apart' when I think about my little angel in the ambulance. He looked so peaceful, but he was so cold, and in the shock, I kissed him on the forehead, but did not pick him up and hold him. Oh how I have kicked myself for not holding my baby! I don't know what I was thinking! I guess I wasn't really thinking at all. I remember being quite rude to the officer who immediately asked which funeral home they needed to call. Geez! I forgot to plan on which funeral home I would want to use to bury my 10 week old son, how foolish of me! Then there's always going to be the regret of leaving him with my parents that fateful night, causing them soooo much pain having to be the ones to find him not breathing. It should have been me! But I guess God spared me that pain, I just feel so guilty that it had to be them. I am the youngest, and Marcus was to be their last grandbaby.
Shortly after that, I had a kidney biopsy, that revealed this incurable disease, which added to the anger and 'whys'. Why while I was in such despair, would God give me this disease? I guess it was already there, and the pregnancy was the reason it was discovered.
I went into DEEP depression, worse than the depression I was used to, I assume is from genetics. I honestly have 'blanks' in the past four years about things that have happened in my life. The parts I recall are just like part of the nightmare. But as Jane, I didn't have any support from family or friends. Talking about Marcus was taboo or something. My husband would even scold me and tell me people didn't want to hear about all that sad stuff.
I started to find some peace when God led me to this circle. To find there are others who understand and can relate from experience. Sadly, it is true, people who don't understand sometime start to distance themselves just because they don't know what to say. Then again, a true friend listens, without passing judgement, so if someone distances themselves from us, they arent' true friends anyway.
Oh my! I'm really rambling on!
If no one objects, I'd kinda like to use this as a 'diary' on those days when I'm in the valleys. But I still want to be supportive as well.
p.s. I do have a lot of days that I just can't seem to concentrate, probably the depression.
Donna, if it helps for you to use 'us' as your diary then I say go for it. I don't know if I will be that much help some days but I'm sure there are others who can be.
Last year was a blur for me; I think probably because I was trying to block out the pain of losing Carey and Casey, plus being depressed and full of anger. I really withdrew from even my husband and lived in a dark place; I still functioned and went places but it was like I was on autopilot. If I cried, it was in private so no one would know about it. Since I've come to this circle I've been able to express my pain and anger and I'm not so withdrawn as I was. It's almost like I have more pain some days but I'm able to get rid of it easier now that I'm letting myself know that it's okay to cry and be sad sometimes. At least I'm not holding it all in any more. We still encounter people who we can tell are uncomfortable when we talk about the girls but we do it anyway. One couple especially are still our friends so I guess they're okay with us talking about the girls. They have two granddaughters who are the same ages as Carey and Casey so they can sympathize with us in a way. We saw 2 ladies who we hadn't seen in quite a while when we were at a funeral last week. They both were concerned about how we were doing and said they imagined it must be tough going through what we've been through. I told them that it was something that they didn't even want to imagine how deep the hurting ache was. They both have grandchildren so they agreed with me. It was a good feeling for someone to even ask us how we were doing (and knowing that they weren't just being polite).
Hope to hear from you soon.
Oh my Donna, I just got the shakes all over my body. What a testimony. That is what I love about coming to this circle. To read inspiration and uplifting messages and to also read that you are not alone in this big old world. I thank God for leading me to all of you because we all have a story to tell. It seems as though all of our children did not die a peaceful death so not only do we have that in common, we are all sisters because we have survived our young love ones. Thank you again for putting me in my place by telling me I am not by myself, so that I can stop saying why me? why did that beautiful son of mine go before any other. He was never in trouble like the rest of his relatives, he was always uplifting to people, he loved everyone so why him? My answer to that now as I have read all of you guys testimonies is why not him? God makes no mistakes, he knows who he wants. I tease my older brother,74, who lives in the VA hosp, he has 5 purple hearts from the wars and still outlived all of his young brothers, sisters, and nephews. He kept asking me why not him. Why did God take my Derrick who was young and a lot of years left, and not take him take lived a lot. I told him God wanted an Angel, not an old grumpy retired Sergeant who would run everyone out of heaven if he manage to make it. :0). He just laughed and laughed. This is our way of letting out our grief because I know he is hurting just as much as I am. So now I know the answers to the whys. I appreciate all of you and I will direct my daughter to this site to read the posting so she can began to heal as well. God Bless all of you.
I held my Elizabeth when I found her. It's a feeling I will never forget. I know you regret not holding Marcus, but you were protected from reliving feeling his lifeless body. It's an absolute awful experience. I'm not sure, but I think I may have dropped her when I realize she was no longer alive. I know I screamed so loud that my neighbors rushed in and started CPR. I know I went to the funeral home, but don't remember picking a casket or anything of the conversation. Two weeks later I found myself cooking at a boys camp 120 miles from home. Don't know how I did it, like you said, I was a robot. We were there for a month. When people would tell me I was an inspiration that I was able to "go on" I always thought "what choice do I have?" Please keep using this circle to "ramble". I wish I had it, it would have enabled me to express all the bewilderment that accompanies grief. What's so great about a prayer circle, is that when one of us is down, the others lift us up. Know you are being lifted up constantly. Love, Jane
You're right about not having any support. I went to a church where around five babies died in a two year period and we were not allowed to talk about it. If one of us questioned why me, the others would just say "It was God's will." I remember telling someone that. I sure wish I could take those words back, now I would say "be angry, get sad, and know that Jesus is crying with you."
I was so glad to hear you met someone who was genuinely interested in how you are doing. Those people are rare and special. Thank you for the blessing today. I actually had a great day! Love, Jane
I know you want to compare yourself to see if your "normal." I would just caution you when you compare yourself to others. This is a personal journey, and unless something prohibits us (like in my case)our grief is natural and each of us handles it differently. There is no right or wrong, except maybe total denial which will manifest itself in other ways. Have a blessed Friday. Love, Jane
Hi my dear sisters. Charlene, Anita, Donna, Jane, Connie, Ms V., my dear Angel in Chief and all of the dear sisters who posts at this wonderful Circle of Love. First of all, and after reading your posts, I want to thank my dear sister Sandy for creating this Heaven of understanding. You all know of the pain that we all are going through, and this is the only safe place where we can just let it out and all of us understand, I find that the rest of the world just don't have a clue. We understand of the pain, the anger, the guilt, the whys and all the rest of this very complicated pain. I want to say that I no longer ask WHY, there is no BECAUSE for me, I will never accept a because, so I do not ask why anymore. I lost my only child, just 20 years old and full of life, so there is no because. I have a very small family, due to Castro's regime, my family was separated, and right now all I have is a sister, brother and cousins, but guess what? I have all of you, and ever since I was 14 years old, I had to choose my family because I was all alone in this country, and chose my family very wisely, they all turned out to be "family", and I know that I am again chosing my family and you all are really Heaven sent. I thank God that I found this wonderful Circle of Love and understanding, I have no recollection of how I got to this site, I know that is was God who led me here, all I remember is that when I found it I was home, I also remember when we reached our 100 posts, I was so happy for my dear sister Sandy and us, that we (she) has reached so many mothers who really needed this wonderful site. I also Thank God that all of you have found this Circle, this is the only place that we can all let it out, because my dear sisters, the rest of the world just does not understand the real pain that we all have to carry. I thank you all for letting me just say it like it is, and of course I also thank you all for your prayers, that is our only tool, prayers work, oh I know, the only prayer that does not work for me so far, is for God to take me out of here and let me be with my daughter again, but I also know that on His time, He will.To tell you all the truth, I have learned of prayers after my daughter went to Heaven, before that, I always tried to solve everything myself, now I know that God is there, and I ask Him , after all, He should understand that we are still only humans, and He has put us all through the limit, so He will answer our prayers. My love and prayers to you all. Selva
Hi all! Thank you Selva; you always seem to be able to say what I'm feeling but can't find the right words to use.
I've been crying all day and can't seem to be able to stop. My husband was in a wreck yesterday afternoon and totaled his 10-wheeler full of corn. The amazing thing is that he was able to climb out of the cab (turned over sideways in the ditch with the back window shattered and the bed of the truck pushed through the window into the cab); yes, he climbed up out of the passenger side window and called 911 for help. He walked away from that with only a FEW superficial scratches from the glass; his pockets, his boots, his shirt, his hair were full of chunks of glass but he only had very few scratches. Thank God for miracles! A semi didn't stop at a stop sign and pulled out in front of him and forced him into the ditch where the truck turned over on its side. There were three witnesses and it's a good thing because the semi driver just kept going and never looked back. One of the witnesses was another semi driver who knew the man who was driving the semi that pulled out in front of my husband so he gave the authorities his name. I just can't seem to stop crying and I touch my husband every chance I get. I'm so thankful he wasn't hurt other than being very sore and bruised on his left side where he hit the door when the truck turned over. Thank you all for your listening ears and your caring hearts; I just had to vent.
Love to you all!
Thank you for your support as always. I don't come often but I try to keep up with you all. It's september and today is bad I can't stop crying, so I know where to go. HERE! that's where.
Yes thank you for asking, My daughter is doing alot better with meds and three years of counseling and grief counseling. And time! I know what you were talking about now. About the time. The pain never leaves and we don't forget (hell who wants to forget they had a child)like some people think that the bereaved parent should just get over it and go on. But time helps, is seems like yesterday and it seems like forever ago all at the same time. The waves of sadness come and go and just when you least expect it. You can be having the best day when you go shopping and something will trigger (a box of cerial or a place)and there you go crying in the store. You really can't prepare for these times . They sneak up on you. Like today I was fine one minute and a basket case the next. It makes me feel crazy. Mike is helpful and we grief different but together.
God Bless you all and our children.
Hello all my angel sisters, I hope everyone had a nice week.
Selva dear sister, I fully agree with you about our angel chief starting this circle. I know if it had'nt been for you,Sandy, Charlene and dear Miss V. I don't know what I would have done. All of you were God sent.I feel the same about asking WHY. After Kim's death I thought I would go crazy with why and like you I finally realized there is no answer for that three lettered word nor is there a because for it.Then when the same thing happened to Josh I could'nt let myself think of that word.
But in a way I understand what Jane was talking about being an overcomer. In both Kim's and Josh' death I had a lot of anger that I had to deal with before I could even start to cope with my Kid's death. So I know a little of what you were saying Jane and thank you for bringing that out. I had to overcome the anger for the one's who was driving the vehicles my daughter and then my son were killed in.
Charlene, dear sister please quit crying before you make yourself sick. Thank God, your husband is alright and that there were witnesses to the accident. In so many cases there's not. But you know we are all here for you if you want to cry,scream, or throw a fit. After all we have been through we're entitled.
My prayers are with you all.