The words that I heard at least a 100 times (I know it was at least that much because there were over 300 at the funeral for our granddaughters) were 'if you need anything, let me know'. How do you respond to that and why do they say it; if they want to do something why don't they just do it. It's hard enough for us to just function at the time much less think of something for somebody to do. A friend of mine said her neighbor came in every day and checked on her and cleaned the bathrooms or dusted or vacuumed or straightened up her house without being asked. That might seem kind of pushy to some people but when you are good enough friends I guess it would be okay. When my cousin's daughter was killed in a car wreck, someone asked her husband what he could say to him; her husband said there's nothing anybody could say to make it better. I thought that expressed it very well; there's nothing anybody can say to make it better at the time so just don't say anything. Give a hug and tell them you're praying for them; or cry with them. Thanks for letting me 'vent' again.
Hello dear sisters!
I was away today, very sorry I couldn't post, I will get caught up tomorrow.
Our dear sister Selva also asked me to post for her, she's having a devil of a time with AOL, it's blocking her from posting here and elsewhere. She doesn't want her dear Angel sisters to think she's forgetting them, her prayers are with all.
My love and prayers are with all too, God willing, I'll be here in the am,
Hugs to you all,
The best thing someone did for me the day Elizabeth died was sat next to me and held my hand and said "this sucks." That was so comforting after hearing Rm 8:28 all day. See the day she died we were suppose to cook for about 250 people at our church. After she died, our pastor took us to the funeral home and then to church to cook! No one would let me be alone, so I found a seldom used room and hid there. Then that wonderful sister came in and sat with me, mostly in silence. I know that I cooked that day, but don't remember it at all. I will forever remember the words "this sucks."
Hi my dear Miss V,
Yes, I knew something was wrong and of course our dear Selva too. Somebody re-opened your scar on your heart by an insensitive comment. They still cut like a knife when well-meaning people tell us something "for our own good". They don't realize that this is something we live with every single day of our lives, how it's split our lives in two; the one we had with our child in it and then the one we slowly have to re-build all over again. They, thankfully for them, have no idea how complicated this grief is, or how it's changed us.
Forgive them? Yes, of course we have to, but if it take's a little while for us to do so I know that God understand's.
Your precious Diane's Anniversary Date is coming up this week, you're already experiencing the anxiety leading up to it, so please, be gentle with yourself and you know without a doubt that all of us here will encircle you with our love, support and prayers.
Love ya my dear Miss V,
Hi dear Charlene, yes, that's another one you hear frequently - "Call me if there's anything I can do or if you need something".
The one's who know you're in no position emotionally to ever make that call and come over with a supper prepared, or clean up are oh so appreciated! We were so fortunate to have loving neighbors at the time who did exactly that and they were a God-send. They'd tell me to go lay down while they cleaned up or cooked something, they knew I was in no position to entertain them.
The comments I heard over and over again were "Now you be strong, Your Shane is in Heaven now and take comfort from that". aaaaaahhhhh!! I felt like screaming at them, but of course I didn't. I wanted my Shane to be alive and with me, not in Heaven!!
And strong?? No, that I could NOT be!
The one good lesson we've all learned is that we know what to say and what not to now, although I wish we could have learned it some other way,
Love, prayers & Hugs,
That was one sensitive and loving friend you had, to simply sit there with you and say "This suck's" I'm so happy she was there for you, yes, it does suck, big time!
Love, prayers & Hugs,
Jane, I love your story! And I'm so glad you had a dear sister who sat with you that way. Like our sister Sandy has said, thankfully (for them) people have no idea what our grief is like unless they've been through it like we have.
Love you sis!
Yes, Sandy, our lives change. I'm still a grandmother but when people ask me how many grandchildren I have, I've learned to tell them that I have 11 living and 3 in Heaven. Before I thought of that, I didn't know how to answer them. Yes, I'm still a grandmother but my 'grandmotherishness' (?) has forever changed; it's not like it was before. The same with being a mother; you're still a mother but your motherhood has changed into something different.
I've got to go.
On the question of how many children I have, usually I just say 3 boys. When someone gets to know me better then I tell them about Elizabeth. This took a lot of years to be at peace with. I still can't handle the pity looks I get if I just tell an acquaintance I have a child in Heaven. I will talk openly to anyone who asks, but I don't volunteer it to people who just want to make idle chat. For about the first ten years, I really didn't know how to answer the how many children question. Pray you all had a blessed Sunday.
Hi dear Jane,
I agree, it really depend's on the situation you're in when asked - like you, if someone is just making idle chitchat with me, and in all likehood the odd's of seeing them again are slim, I don't tell them about my Shane, NOT because I don't still consider him to be my son, that will never change, but moreso because I don't want them to feel uncomfortable or make it look like I'm looking for sympathy.
In other situations I will tell them, 'Yes, I have 2 boys, one in Heaven and our Chris who is 34 and living on his own now'.
Happy you're at peace with the question now, another hurdle we have to get over on this Journey.
Happy Monday morning and blessings for a wonderful week ahead,
Love & Angel Hugs,
I still have trouble with the "any children?" question. I hate to say that Mark has a daughter from a previous marriage, and leave my Marcus out. Being my only child, I almost feel like I'm neglecting him if I don't say anything. Is that strange?
I actually had a preacher, the day Marcus died, sit in my living room and say, "Just think how much harder this would have been if he had been older." In hindsight, I wish I had told that man to get out of my house (well, maybe not)! Either way, I was still in too much shock to argue the point.
I love the phrase 'this sucks'! I wish I had someone like that around! Aw heck! It still sucks!
Thanks so much for the prayers! I'm trying to pray my way out of this depression right now. I guess with so many of us in agreement before God, it has been helping. When I read back over my post, I felt so ashamed for even typing it.
I never hoped for a terminal disease. This kidney disease could be terminal, if left untreated. It is not a matter of if, it is a matter of when. Ultimately, I will be looking at a transplant, and/or dialysis, both of which can prolong my life.
Kathy, so wonderful that you donated to your brother. I have a brother and a sister, who could either one be a candidate, but right now, I'm feeling kinda like I wouldn't want to take one of theirs because they both have children and what if something happened to the one they have left?
Since I have no children left, and a somewhat 'rocky' marriage, I wonder if I shouldn't just wait until one is available. (and the thought of someone else dying to save my life is not a pleasant thought either) I don't quite understand any of it, and I think the 'not knowing' is what scares me the worst. I am in stage 3, with stage 5 being ERSD, and so far all I know is 'we just have to wait and see'. Then there's the chance that the transplant might fail anyway. UGH!
Thanks again to ALL of you!
(((HUGS))) and butterfly kisses!!!
Donna, you are very much loved! My prayers are still going out for you!
I am glad that you posted, you were really on my mind today. You have so much to deal with, just know that I am thinking of you and praying for you. That preacher was so wrong. It doesn't matter how old your child is when they leave. The pain is the same at any age I am sure. People mean well I think but they just don't say it right or don't know what to say. Some people just don't say anything and that is even worse. They think as long as they don't bring it up...maybe she forgot! I had a "friend" tell me that she would have called but figured that I might be having a good day and she was afraid she would ruin it if she asked how I was doing? I don't get it. And I don't wish it on anyone. Please don't feel ashamed for writing your post, your feelings are real and important. God knows what to do here, we just have to let him do it. No matter what! By the way, my Wes was a donor when he left for Heaven. There are people who have a second chance now and are doing very well. It can be a beautiful thing. Still all in all, this sucks! I just love that:)
Keep the faith
Thank you so much for that prayer. I have copied it and will put it in my Bible with all of my special prayers and Heavenly thoughts. I think it says it all. Although I will ever stop grieving my Son, I also know that he would want me to carry on and do the best I could for God. God bless you and keep you.
Kathy, you are welcome. I am just sitting here catching up on the post. The one that really got me was when a comment was made it about the baby being young when he died. My son was 37 and died suddenly. Some insensitive people told me well he lived his life so that was a good thing. What good thing was that? I outlived my child? My mother buried one child before she died. She had 9. She prayed to God not to take anymore before her because a child lost is the most devasting lost there is. No other child died before her after that. Since then, I have lost three brothers and 1 sister (last week). To me my son, my baby, was still young and had many more good years. He did not get to see his grandchildren, he did not get to see me remarried again (even though he was probably glad about that considering the way his father, my ex treated me and cheated on me), etc. My son was my number one fan. I never heard a criticism from him. He thought I was the superwoman, the one every loved, the one all of his friends called Mom, and stated he had the best mom in the world. My son never left my house. Even though he was once married, they lived in the basement. So I lived longer with him than my ex husband, or anyone else. We knew each other like a book. So no, age does not matter, hurt is hurt, sorrow is sorrow, pain is pain. I can't believe how people can be so insensitive. Normally these are the people who has not loss a child. In those people, I pray for them.
Dear Angel Moms,
Just a response about the words spoken to us during our grief. Whoever created the saying "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me," never knew the power of words. I have had bones broken, they heal relatively quickly. But words? Some still bring me pain. In the ER the day Elizabeth died, the doctor came out and threw up his hands and said, "what can I say? She's dead." Even the hospital chaplain was shocked. Later I called my mother to tell her. Her response was, "what did you do, leave a blanket in her crib to smother her?" It took many years to realize the damage that statement did to me. Several days after her death, my pastor told me it was God's way of telling me not to have any more children (my husband had 4 when we married and they lived with us, I had a 2 yr old at the time). When I got pregnant about 6 weeks later, I was told it was against God's will and removed from all positions. Ironically, my husband was promoted to leadership. I got pregnant 3 wks after major surgey where my stomach was cut side to side. Let me ask, whose idea was it to be that intimate? In case your wondering I left that church shortly after the birth of my second son. I'm so glad I was able to introduce the phrase "this sucks." The person who said that wasn't my biological sister, just a fellow Christian woman. I have often wanted to contact her and tell her how much she helped me. Unfortunately, when I left the church no one was allowed to ever have contact with me. I do pray for her often and thank God for her. A reminder, we live in a world where sometimes life sucks, but we have a Heavenly Father whose "steadfast love endures forever." Our child's death was a surprise to us, but not to Him. Spurgeon once said "when you can't trust His hand, you can always trust God's heart." Whatever life throws at us, we have a God who fiercely loves us. I know that's hard to believe in the midst of sudden grief, but with time we do come to believe it. OK, so I've been rambling better sign off. Love and prayers to all of you.
Thank you Jane for your 'rambling'. I too like to read Spurgeon; in fact I have a computer program that gives me daily readings by him. Life is a series of ups and downs isn't it. But thank God for the ups that offset the downs. Sometimes it seems that the down times are never going to end but they do.
My husband and I also decided that our down time this past month was remembering the trips we took each of our granddaughters on in August of 2002 and August of 2004. Why it was harder this year I don't know but it was. And for some reason I'm already dreading Dec.1; maybe it's because I've been thinking about Christmas and trying to plan early for it.
I'm still working on the updates to the Special Dates list and I'll try to get those posted by the end of the week.
Love to all,
Maybe it is so harder right now is because last year at this time you were still somewhat in shock. It hasn't even been 2 years, the numbness is gone and reality has set in. Don't be too hard on yourself and allow yourself to grieve. Thank God we don't grieve as those who do not have hope. I actually had that used on me to say all grieving is wrong. Grieving is not wrong, we have eternal hope while going through it. Several years ago Stephen Curtis Chapman had a song "We Grieve With Hope." I cried so hard the first time I heard it. I actually used that song as part of a major paper I wrote for a class I recently took. I went back to school at the age of 50 and graduated in December. I believe the best paper I wrote was "Death in the Family." Since the paper had to be objective, I couldn't specifically use my own experience. I did a lot of research and learned what you are going through with your daughter is very common. Many times the family divides, however most of the time they come together again. Hope this helps you. Love,
Please don't feel bad about what you posted. You need a way to get it out. We all have good days and bad ones. Most of our friends do not understand our bad days because they think we should be "over with it." It's those of us who walk in the same shoes who understand and will never judge you on your bad days. As for the question of children, you are in a very hard place. Marcus is your only child and you want to honor him, at the same time you want to avoid what I call the pity looks. Just do what your heart tells you to do. I understand your longing for Heaven. I would encourage you to remember God has a purpose for you right now. Love,
Hello my dear sisters, ~ Right now, I am a special day mess! Ha-ha! But I know in my heart and soul that this to will pass as the day goes on. Right again, Sandy, when you say that God understands it takes a little time forgiving those who donít understand what it is really like to lose a part of yourself. As Charlene pointed out also, others [perhaps because they are having difficulty dealing with [or choosing not to deal with their own grief], they become impatient with everyone. I believe one of the hardest things for any of us to accept is there is no blueprint; no right or wrong way to grieve. Today, I might be having a hill top day. Tomorrow, I might be down in the valley again. And so it goes. We keep hoping that somehow this terrible nightmare will end; that we will wake up and find it was all a bad dream. We tend to repeat this cycle again and again; SOMETIMES FOR YEARS ... until we slowly learn to accept our loss, and with God's help make a conscious effort to go on in spite of the fact that life will never be the same. Itís a difficult cross to carry, but with the help of our Lord and Savior, we do manage to go on and do some good, and eventually encourage others to do the same as they become stronger. It is such a blessing to know that others really care about what you are going through and that they are praying for you just as you are praying for them.This is especially true during special days. Thanks again everyone, for your prayers, support, and encouragement. :)
On Aug. 29, 1996, our baby daughter, Cheryl, who was married and 29 years old at the time, and her two year old son, Steven, took a flight back to San Antonio, TX after a two week visit; not realizing that she would be returning Sept. 2nd to help make funeral arrangements for her older sister, Diane. :( Whew!!!!
God bless everyone ...
Much love & ((((hugs)))) from heaven,
Verna [aka Miss V.]
8/16/60 ~ 8/31/96
Forever In Our Hearts!
Verna, you're in my prayers this week! Sometimes all I can say to God is 'bless her today' when I think of you all on your special days. I feel like some days all I do is pray; but that's a good thing. Whenever God brings one of you to my mind I pray while I'm doing my work here at home; sometimes I get to crying and praying so hard that I have to stop and really concentrate on the prayer for a while. But I know that I need prayers too so I keep doing it for you all. Thank you all for being there for me and for each other. You are all loved like sisters, 'closer than a brother' type friends.
Thank you Jane for your encouragement. I don't remember that song by SCC; I'll have to look for it. I had no idea when I started on this journey that it would take so long; now I know that it will take the rest of my life to work through all the pain. I've gotten to the place where I can't look at the girls' pictures without crying now; I feel like I'm just now REALLY realizing that they're not coming to my house any more. I've gone through that feeling before but I think I'm going through it again. This is such a roller coaster ride, up and down and up and down. Like Verna said, we repeat the cycle again and again; but I guess I didn't really believe it until I started going through it myself.
Love to you all!
Dear Charlene and all,
The SCC CD is called "Speechless" 1999 Sparrow Song. I've tried to find the lyrics on line to copy but couldn't so, I'm trying to type it, however it's pretty small.
This is not at all how
We thought it was suppose to be
We had so many plans for you
We had so many dreams
And now you've gone away
And left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can do
Can take away the pain
The pain of losing you but...
We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope
Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no
And we can grieve with hope
Cause we believe with hope
There's a place by God's grace
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again...
And never have I known
Anything so hard to understand
And never have I questioned more
The wisdon of God's plan
But through the cloud of tears
I see the Father's smile and say well done
And I imagine you
Where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
Cause now you're home
And now you're free and... (chorus)
We have this hope as an anchor
Cause we believe that everything
God promised us is true, so ..
We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope
It really is a beautiful song, when I need to cry but can't I play this, always works. Hope it helps someone tonight. Love, Jane
Hello our dear Miss V & All,
Yes, you're so right, it is a Cycle, sometimes it's 2 step's forward and 3 back, but thankfully now we know that the Valley days do end and the sun come's out for us again, just shining in a different way. It's important to acknowledge our feeling's during the valley days, that put's us back on the Journey and continue to make those steps, however small they may be.
You're having a bad time right now my dear sister, this is a hard week for you, with Diane's Heaven Date tomorrow. you're reliving all the event's leading up to her passing as we all do, they become crystallized in our hearts and minds, but you know we're all here for you and will encircle you with our love, support and prayers,
Love you Miss V & Angel Hugs,
Hello my dear sisters,
Our other dear sister Selva, has been busy the last couple of days getting ready for Hurricane Ernesto. It was set to hit Miami yesterday afternoon, so she had to get supplies in, etc.
Thankfully, Praise God! it downgraded and became a Tropical Storm, so I'm hoping and praying that she and others didn't suffer any damage and that their power will be restored quickly!
So we'll keep her in our prayers too and hopefully hear from her soon, she's been missed around here,
Much love, prayers & Angel Hugs,