Prayer Circles

My Dear Friends,
Pray for Ron and I today.
This day would of been our Matthew's 18th birthday.
Lord, I pray that you give Ron and I a peace today that only you can give . Amen.

Of course our dear Eva, special days for us are hard to get through, but with our prayers for Our Lord's great peace for you & Ron, I pray the day will be manageable for you both. Happy Birthday dear Matthew,
Much love & Angel Hugs,
Sandy

This is one father's story about the upcoming Holidays, so much of what he say's ring's true for me and I'm sure you also,

"Tis the Season, Blah, Blah, Blah
Sorry to start this one out this way, but this year I just can't feel that spirit of the holiday season move me. I seem to just want to ignore it, especially now, when it seems like Christmas is on the shelves starting in September. As a kid I worked at a hardware store, I say kid, I was 18, and we never put out the decorations or the merchandise until the day after Thanksgiving. The onslaught of the commercialization of Christmas, the lengthening of the holiday season, and the loss of my son have made this time of the year anything but merry and it gets me down.

I know in the past I have tried to be upbeat about this, but for some reason this year has been hard and I guess some of it has to do with trying to place my priorities in a different spot, school. It seems when we try to make one thing better something has to fall by the wayside, it just seems impossible to get it all together for everything. I just don't think that is going to be possible for a while. The only thing I am looking forward to right now is Christmas Eve where we will spend it together with just the 3 of us, Cindy, my wife, Teryn, my daughter and myself. No expectations, no worries about feeling low around others, no listening the cheerfulness of those around us that just don't understand that even though it has been over 4 years we are still hurting and will be for some time to come. We have bought our Christmas Eve movie, Shrek 2, and look forward to watching it just like we did in the past with Kirk present, only difference is we usually did it on Christmas in the evening when he was alive, a new tradiditon now on Christmas Eve with him in mind..

In my cynicism I am feeling let down, void of all the feeling that one should feel at this time of the year. I don't want to be around anyone, I want to stay at home and let this holiday season pass me by. I might just want all of the holiday seasons to past me by, but I do have a family that wants us to at least attend Thanksgiving at my sister's house. This is a new tradition that we have started as a family because as my parents get up there in years they have scaled back on the family get together because it wears them out. Hell, it wears me out and all I have to do is show up. It isn't that I don't love them all, I do, but as we all know it is hard watching the nieces and nephews that were our son's age grow up without him around. It is hard to see them smile and feel good, to play with the younger part of the family, to see them have children, to hear our brothers and sister brag about them and what they accomplish in life, a life my son doesn't have. I really want them to be able to do that because not to be able to do that means they would be in our position and that is something I wouldn't want for anyone, even my worst enemy, yet there always lies the conflict in my heart about being there, around them, listening and watching.

I don't suggest we hide, retreat from our family or the world around us. I just am saying we all feel it and it is ok. We still work hard to gain control and little by little it will happen, but we will always have moments like I am having now. We just don't give up, we put on a happy face and try to make it better. Sometimes it works and that is good and sometimes it doesn't and then we just have to try again. Don't give up, even in my wavering and griping I will still try. That is all any of us can do."

Lots of love & Angel Hugs,
Sandy

Of course dear Eva, we will storm heaven for you and Ron, we all know how hard it is, I am sure that God will listen, may God Bless you both and give you strenght. Love Selva

My dear Angel in Chief, yes that sounds just too familiar, I wish I could hide for the rest of this Holiday Season, I don't like it, I have nothing to celebrate, I just want to cry and I just want people to leave me alone, another Holiday Season without Solange,I can't stand it. Love to all. Selva

Heavenly Father,
You know our hearts and hear our prayers. We ask Lord, that You bless Eva and Ron and their family with your gracious peace. We pray Lord that You would wrap them up in Your loving arms, bind up their broken hearts. Let them feel Your warmth and peace upon their hearts always.

In your Son’s name we pray, Amen.

With Much Love and prayers to all my Sisters!
Marci~.~

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted. Isaiah 61:1

But you, O God, do see trouble and grief; you consider it to take it in hand. Psalm 10:1

The God of the Bible is the God of the brokenhearted.

Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress, my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief." Psalm 31:9

DEEPER STILL

When you've walked through the valley of the shadow of death

When you thought the worst was over and the worst is what was left

Some things he can't explain now, but by and by he will

Look up through the pain now, you will find him Deeper Still

Deeper still you will find him, deeper still than before

Deeper still goes the anchor, deeper still the ocean floor

Deeper still he has taught you, deeper still there is to go

Deeper still is the Savior, deeper still than we know.

International Bible Society
Copyright ©1997 IBS

And one for the COUNTRY MUSIC FANS...

Monday Morning Church - Alan Jackson

You left your Bible on the dresser
So I put it in the drawer
'Cause I can't seem to talk to God without yelling anymore
And when I sit at your piano
I can almost hear those hymns
The keys are just collecting dust
But I can't close the lid

You left my heart as empty
As a Monday morning church
It used to be so full of faith and now it only hurts
And I can heart the devil whisper
"Things are only getting worse"
You left my heart as empty
As a Monday morning church

The preacher came by Sunday
Said he missed me at the service
He told me Jesus loves me
But I'm not sure I deserve it
'Cause the faithful man that you loved
Is nowhere to be found
Since they took all that he believed
And laid it in the ground

[Repeat chorus]
You left my heart as empty
As a Monday morning church
It used to be so full of faith and now it only hurts
And I can heart the devil whisper
"Things are only getting worse"
You left my heart as empty
As a Monday morning church

I still believe in Heaven
And I'm sure you've made it there
But as for me without your love, girl
I don't have a prayer

[Repeat chorus]
You left my heart as empty
As a Monday morning church
It used to be so full of faith and now it only hurts
And I can heart the devil whisper
"Things are only getting worse"
You left my heart as empty
As a Monday morning church

You left your Bible on the dresser
So I put it in the drawer

Angelmoms,
I think we all know how empty a "monday morning church" heart can feel. Will post again, soon..
My Nephew is coming home for Thanksgiving and bringing his new wife and my baby Kai! This is our first meeting and I am so excited! I can't wait to kiss and hold my beautiful baby and meet my new niece! They have moved from Japan and now live in Virgina. Hopefully within the next year they will be able to move closer still! I think of you all and pray for you all by name.

Love to you all,
Marci~.~
Sandy, Thank you for keeping us all going. Especially, through the holidays. I can't always post... But I am always here checking in and praying for us all.

Selva, I will share my new baby nephew with you! He is beautiful! 5 different nationalities! My Nephew Jonathan calls him the "Grandma Killer" because everyone stops and makes a fuss over him! He has everyones heart!

Our dear Yvonne, my Candle is lit for your precious Joe today, his 5th year Anniversary, God bless you. I pray you see your Dove today and know that my heart, love and prayers are with you today, five years sounds like a long time, but in a lot of ways it really isn't. May Our dear, sweet Lord give you His peace and comfort today especially, dear Yvonne,
Lots of love & Tender Hugs,
Sandy

Good Monday morning Everyone!

Some information to pass along, Angela sent me an e-mail, apparently A & E is going to profile our dear AngelDad's Angelo's sweet daughter's case on their show "Cold Case Files" on November 30th.

I can well imagine it's going to be very difficult for Angelo and his family to watch it, but it does show that after all those years, justice did prevail for dear Angela.

Our dear Marci, love the word's to that song, I'm not much of a C & W fan, (no throwing things at the Monitor, lol) but the words DO speak!

Much love to all and Angel Hugs,
Sandy

Hi mi hermana Marci, what a Joy, count your Blessing this Thanksgiving, remeber after all, we still have Blessings to Thank for. love you mi hermana Selva

Hi Yvonne I am sorry to post late for you, but I wish you white doves all around you my friend and I know what htey mean. Love Selva

Hi my Angel in Chief. Thanks for the reminder about our dear brother Angelo, yes I already posted in my calendar so I can watch it, and I pray that God will give Angelo and his family enough strenght. Love Selva

Hello all my sisters, friends, AngelMoms and Dads

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving in the U.S. and like any other special day, thoughts turn to your precious child you've lost. We're always conscious of that empty chair and I suppose we always will be. Memories of Thanksgiving's past surface when our world seemed perfect. Memories are so special and important, truly something to be thankful for.
However you spend tomorrow, I pray for Christ's peace and comfort to envelop you and light a Candle for your child at the table.
Happy Thanksgiving,
Lots of love & prayers,
Sandy

Hi my dear Angel in Chief, yesterday was Thanksgiving for us in North America, guess what? I spent Thanksgiving alone with Solange, gave God Thanks for whatever He might think that I will give Him Thanks for. Other than that I spent a horrible day. Yes my dear sisters, I have no other kids, so I Thank Him for whatever He might bring. Love Selva

My dear Sister, ~ We all can relate to your feelings of sadness, anger, or whatever emotions you were feeling during the holiday. You know our prayers and thoughts were with you asking God to give you a measure of peace. Please know that God understands your pain like no other. Sometimes I feel a little guilty because I still miss my Diane so much even after all this time and even though I have another daughter whom I love with all my heart. But believe me my sister, even if you had another daughter, your heart would still be shattered and you would still miss your Solange just as much because one child cannot replace another in your heart. If that were possible, I would have done it by now, and I believe I can safely say so would Sandy, and the other angel moms who have been blessed with another child or children. Having said that; I hasten to say that I cannot begin to imagine your pain, having lost your only child. But I do know that God can, and does know all about the depth of your heartfelt pain! He is the only one other than you, my sister that could possibly understand. Others can only pray and offer compassion! Only God can comfort you; and it will happen in time.

Remember, my sister, You have a right to feel the emotions you are feeling. We know it, but most importantly, our heavenly Father knows it! Remember, God loves you unconditionally; whether you are angry, or sad, or having a few moments of peace which I am sure is not very often. Please remember, you have only just begun your painful grief journey! I would question your sanity if you weren't still having these very, very painful feelings of grief. Solange is a part of you! She always will be! God knows this, and I believe it breaks his heart to see you in such indescribable pain. But, because Solange was such a very big and loving part of who you were, your entire world as you once knew it has fallen apart. It's going to take lots of time, before you begin to feel what our angel in chief sometimes refer to as a kind of quiet sadness that eventually settles in.

Our chief angle mom, Sandy, also reminds us that when we lose a beloved child, a part of us goes with our child. So, in a very real sense, in addition to grieving the loss of our precious child, we also must morn losing the person that we used to be before losing our child. None of us will ever be the same. Even today, a little over 8 years since Diane finished her earthly journey, ... I would give anything just to see my child; to embrace her, to tell her how much I long to hear her voice again and see her radiant smile. I will always wish God had called me home first. But, that is something I had not control over! It is only by His grace that I am still here, ... Still looking forward to the day that I will see my beloved Diane again, once my mission here on earth is accomplished according to God's will! My belief is; The evil one steals, but God heals! Our Lord and Savior is our only hope. Not only does He walk with us throughout our grief journey, sometimes He carries us when all hope, all desire, all our strength is gone! Times when we no longer want to be here! He has provided the means and the way to everlasting life and the opportunity to live forever with our children in paradise someday! I imagine if Solange and Diane, and all the other angel children could tell us how happy they are in heaven, we would not be so sad. But, unfortunately, they cannot. They are only permitted to give us signs to assure us that they are alive and well. And, oh do they ever! :) But, first, you must allow yourself time to grieve your loss! How much time before it becomes easier is a mystery! For me, it was a little over 3 years! Then, all of a sudden, ... I just knew he worst was over! I actually felt as though I had awakened from a bad dream. There was a feeling of peace that I cannot describe. That is the kind of peace we who are a bit father along pray for ... For all angel moms and angel dads who are still in the mist of their wilderness of indescribable grief and pain! I further believe that God has a very special place in his heart for all angel moms and angel dads. Remember, He gave His only Son so that we could someday live forever with Him and our children and other loved ones! So, my dear Sister, ... Don't worry about being strong or trying to wear a mask for anyone! You are doing, saying, and acting like a Mother who is missing her beloved child! That is your right! Just hold on to God, and believe in your heart that the day will come when your shattered heart will begin to heal. Continue to pamper yourself and know that God always hears the smallest prayer!
God's peace and blessings!
[Miss V.] :)

Verna

Don't worry Y'All; I typed a little at a time! We are running 4 days behind on editing because on the holiday commitments; so if Ya don't hear form me often, you know why! :) Please keep us in your prayers!

Praying for all! ~ Love & Hugs,
[Miss V.]
Verna

Today's Quote

The race is not always to the swift, but to those who keep on running.


-Anonymous

Ha-ha! Seeing that I am running so far behind with editing my final draft, today's quote gives me hope! :) Gotta keep on keeping on! Remember, Selva, you and Cheryl have a date with Oprah! Hopefully someday SOON! Ha-ha!
Miss V.

Dear Verna,
Thank you for your kind words to Selva and all others who also grieve so deeply the loss of their child. I think that we all read in her post the unbearable anguish and pain that only a grieving mother could write and feel. With a mother’s heart I wanted to somehow “kiss it and make it all better” for our dear Selva. Oh Selva, if only…

If only it were that simple. If only it had a timeline or deadline. If only it never happened. If only it…”It” is grief, sorrow, anguish, pain, heartache, despair, woe, angst, despondency, hopelessness, torment, suffering, distress and torture. It is sometimes unbearable and insufferable. It is often a throbbing ache within your soul that never suppresses itself.

If only....I looked it up in the reference book. IF ONLY- Used to introduce the expression of a hopeless wish or regret. My Grandma used to tell us “If wishes were horses, everyone would ride for free:”

With much love and prayers to all,
Marci~.~

Dear angelmoms,
I don't want to fool anyone. I too did not have a "most wonderful holiday." I tried so hard to cover up all my pain and heartache with busyness that after it was all over and everyone was gone I collapsed physically as well as emotionally. My daughter found me curled up in a ball lying on the floor of my bathroom sobbing uncontrollably. I couldn’t stop. All she could say was “Mom, you all right?” She said it over and over again. I must have had her real scared that I had finally hit bottom. My husband came home and I was still on the floor after an hour still crying. His calm words and reassuring hug was all it took to get me off the floor. He told me “no one else feels the pain as we do, it is different for someone who loses a brother, or a friend.” He also told me that life goes on for everyone else, but for us it will always be different. Just to have someone else acknowledge how devastating my pain was at the moment was all my heart needed to bring me back up from my pit of depression and self-pity. I have rarely been so physically or emotionally exhausted! I felt so useless and helpless. My husband reminded me that that’s life. Children grow up and go away and need their parents less and less. I never expected that I would need them more than they needed me! My husband feels that our beloved son Sean-Michael is not gone or away. He’s with us all the time and is far happier than we could ever imagine and we will all be united together some day. I can’t wait.

Being united with our beloved children, that my dear sisters, is what gives me the strength and courage to have faith and HOPE in the future. .I pray that God will Bless you with his love and peace and fill you with his abounding Hope.

I love you all!
Marci~.~

Ah my dear sister, Thanksgiving is over now, another painful special day to get through, but you did it. I'm sorry I wasn't online on your Thanksgiving, but you know my heart and prayers are always with you and everyone here at our circle of love. God and Solange were with you and always will be, never forget that.
Lots of love & Angel Hugs,
Sandy