Prayer Circles

You're quite welcome, Marci. I thank you also for giving me a chance to vent. :) I remember at my first local support group meeting, when it was time for me to share, ... I open my mouth to speak and nothing came out but a big sigh! Whew! :) Now, get this: When I thought about it just now, I laughed. But, on that night, it was in no way humorous. My baby girl went with me, thank God, and was able to share our story. I believe I was in my second or third year at that time. Now that much time has passed, of course, I am able to tell my story once a month [weather permitting]... It's a good distance from Shreveport...in a court room that's usually filled to capacity, with people from all walks of life. I do what I do with the hope of helping to save lives, and also to prevent others from having to learn how to survive a mother's worst nightmare.
Much love & Angel Hugs to all, ... & please know you all are in my heartfelt prayers!
Verna

Sharing a tag I rec'd on a fwd page:

God puts us all in each other's lives to impact one another in some way.
Look for God in others.

The best and most beautiful things cannot be seen or touched - they must
be felt with the heart ~ Helen Keller

Hello AngelMoms,
Oh Marci, your post could have been written by me. This part week I just felt like an angry, spoiled 5 yr old. I wanted to kick EVERYBODY in the shin. You are so right about being tired. I know a couple of posts ago, I wrote about that very thing. I just want my life back the way it was. When I am alone I want to be with Alex; talking and laughing and being silly like we always were with each other. I want to share happy, normal moments with the rest of of my family and not feel like somebody is missing. Just the other day I sent Sandy a picture that was taken when my son, Weston, graduated high school. It is a beautiful picture; my Savannah looking like the beautiful young woman she is finally becoming, Weston, looking like a mature young man with that hint of Dennis the Menace and Bart Simpson in his eyes and smile and Chris, my brave young man that always looks so goofy in photographs, but at such a young age has already suffered the loss of his brother and has been in a war. But all I see when I look at that photo, is where Alex should be; right in between Weston and Chris and how much happier he would have made that day for all of us because other than baseball and his lovely Jamie, my Alex loved a celebration (especially one that involved food) And like you I am so tired of missing him and seeing what his death has done to my family. I'm the type of person that has always gotten what I wanted; and it just infuriates me that what I want most is to have Alex here. I am strong in my faith and I know that after spending one nanosecond in Heaven, Alex would never want to come back to us here on earth. I understand all that but I'm tired of being understanding. Some days I feel good. I wake up and Alex is in a good place and I deal with it and can even see the Blessing that God gave me when He called Alex home. I am a much more loving person. I used to be very cold natured. Being a Baptist in a Southern state you could probably be hugged a thousand times a day (let's not even talk about Sundays at Church!) I would actually pull away from people and mumble a smarty pants comment like, I'm from the east coast-I am NOT a hugger. It's like waling away from love. Alex on the other hand could be driving down the street and if he saw someone he knew getting their mail at the end of their driveway, would actually stop, pull over and give that person a hug. I do the same now. I need that love and I need to give that love. So it's like a roller coaster, when I'm feeling tired and frustrated I just glare at everyone. When I'm feeling a liitle more "normal" I turn into a hugging fool. I'm tired of that roller coaster of emotions too. I have a feeling it will be never ending, that up and down emotional ride.That's why I am so thankful for this circle. We learn from everyone in it. We are all at different stages. Some of us have chewed on that elelphant longer than the rest of us. From that we learn that we all have our valley days. From the Moms that have recently started this journey we know that the pain is so fresh and raw.When we share that we know what they are going through, they believe us. From the Moms that have been on this path a little longer, we learn that with the grace that God gives us,there is hope. The pain is always there but it's not that raw gaping hole in our heart; it has healed over a tiny bit. Someday we will be further along in the cirle and when a new Angel Mom joins us we will comfort her because we know exactly how she feels and in us she will find the hope that we are seeing in other AngelMoms now.
Every single Mom in this circle has been a blessing to me; I pray one day I can return that blessing. And Alex will be in Heaven telling everyone, You see that real nice lady? That's my Momma!!
Susan

Hi my dear sister,
You know we all love you and my prayers for you now will include that God reveal's to you not only His great love for you but also what you're being called to do, with your big heart I know He has something special planned for you, :-)
Lots of love & Tender Hugs,
Sandy

Our dear Miss V, I always love reading through your sharing's, you're always so adept and articulate about putting your feeling's and our's in a wonderful way that give's hope and love!
Much love & Angel Hugs,
Sandy

Hi our dear Susan, YES, I love the picture's you sent me, printed them out of course - you have a beautiful family but I know it's not the same with Alex not in them. There'll always be that missing spot, that empty chair, but never our love or memories of our beloved children, those two are locked forever in our heart's and mind's. I and other AngelMom's can relate so well to the positive change's in our live's because of our children and their passing, heck of a way to receive them, but it's a loving testament to them, that's one of the reason's why I call Shane my hero, :-). (Just wanted to share my 2 cents, :-) I know your post is to our dear Marci). OH and yes, one day you'll be able to reach back with your own hand and help another Mom who's just starting her Journey, and what a Blessing it will be!
Much love & lots of Hugs,
Sandy

Just something I wanted to share with all from a weekly reflection I receive from Silent Grief:

One of the first things to leave us when we are burdened
with worries and cares is the song that once was in our
heart. When we feel lonely and overcome with grief, it
seems impossible to sing a song, much less to sing a happy
song of praise.

We often try to reason away our pain and worries, and the
truth is that sometimes it just can’t be done. So many
times, the pain that comes into our lives has no real
explanation—at least none that makes any sense at the
moment. And, the more we fret and worry, the more lonely
and brokenhearted we become. We need a song in our heart,
but only cries of brokenness come from our innermost being.

God didn’t leave us alone in our pain. He knew that we
would experience times when our hearts would feel empty
and so very alone. He knew we would spend sleepless nights
wondering why our lives changed from happy and full to
sad and empty. God gave us daily reminders of hope to
help put a song back into our hearts.

Watch the moon light up the evening sky and be reminded
that God shines through the darkness. Fix your eyes on a
twinkling star and remember that God has provided light
in the darkness just for you. Watch the sky as the sun
appears to usher in a new day and be reminded that God is
faithful.

You are not forgotten in your dark hour of grief and pain.
Just as sure as the moon lights up the evening sky, hope
will bring light to your dark, weary soul. And, when hope
returns, so will the song that was once part of your
heart! --Clara Hinton

“Even the brokenhearted have a song to sing when hope is
present.” --Clara Hinton

“Surely I am with you always.” Matthew 28:20


Lots of love, prayers and Hugs to all,
Sandy

My nephew, Lo-Khem Zion Elijah Sawan (4 months old) died on his first day of daycare. He stopped breathing and they were unable to resuscitate him, but the doctor reported formula in his airways. They are doing a homicide investigation and autopsy and it will be complete in two days.
Zion was just at my apartment last night, giggling and smiling, and when I said goodbye and held him tight, I had no idea it would be the last time I would see those beautiful sparkling eyes of his or hold him close to me feeling his chubby cheeks against my lips. Zion was too beautiful for this World.

Please say a prayer for Zion, Cathy and Lo-Khem.

I'm so very sorry to read of the sudden passing of your little nephew Zion, csnuggs, his Parents must be devastated!
And on his first day of daycare....
And my heartfelt condolences to you too, Zion's dear Aunt. Please let us know what the outcome is and how Cathy and Lo-Khem are doing, we all care here.
Be assured that all our in our heart and prayers,
Love & lots of Angel Hugs,
Sandy

Shaner, I will keep you posted on the outcome and Cathy and Lo-Khem's progress. Thank you, Shaner, for your love, hugs and prayers and the support that this prayer circle has given us.

Dear Csnuggs, ~ My heart goes out to you, the parents of your little nephew, Zion, and all who knew and loved him. The love remains, although that is little comfort to you now, as you all are in a state of shock and disbelief. I lost my adult daughter suddenly and tragically, and I can tell you,... [and so can the other moms here]; There is no greater pain in this world than the loss of a precious and beloved child, no matter when or how it happens. God bless you for posting a prayer request. You may be sure we will storm heaven with prayer for all. May our Lord and Savior wrap His loving arms around each and every one of you, and may He give you the strength and courage to weather this most unexpected, painful storm. May our Lord and Savior bless and keep little Zion is His loving care!
Love & Angel Hugs,
Verna

Hi dear CSNUGGS, I am so very sorry about the little Sion, please be sure that our prayers will be with Cathy, LO-Khen and you. That is such a terrible loss, we all know about it, please keep us updated and be sure that our prayers will be with all of you, we understand. Love Selva

This Sunday is of course Father's Day. Sometime's we tend to forget Dad's in our own grieving, they do grieve differently from us, but they hurt too.
So this Poem is for all the Dad's,

A Dad Hurts Too

People don't always see the tears a dad cries,
His heart is broken too when his child dies,
He tries to hold it together and be strong,
Even though his world's gone wrong,
He holds his wife as her tears fall,
Comforts her through it all,
He goes through his day doing what he's supposed to do,
But a piece of his heart has been ripped away, a Dad hurts too,
So when he's alone he lets out his pain,
And his tears come like falling rain,
His world has crashed in around him,
And a world that was once bright has gone dim,
He feels he has to be strong for others,
But Dads hurt too, not just the Mothers,
He searches for answers but none are to be found,
He hides behind a mask when he is feeling down,
He smiles through his tears,
He struggles and holds in his fears,
But what you see on the outside is not always real,
Men don't always show how they really feel,
So I'd like to ask a favor of you,
The next time you see a mother hurting over the loss of her child,
please remember.....a Dad hurts too.

Judi Walker

Love & Hugs to all Dad's,
Sandy

Oh gosh, Sandy, ~ What a touching poem, and oh so true! Somewhere deep inside my soul, I believe God has given most angel dads a unique kind of strength that most angel moms will never fully understand. In time, however, [and for me, ... I do mean it took a whole lot of time ...], angel moms begin to realize how difficult it must be to appear strong, and have to hold such pain inside. Once again, I'm reminded to the words on a page that Cindy sent to us; which says: "You really don't have a clue. I hope you never do!" I would imagine that's kind of how many angel dads feel as they mask what they are actually feeling inside as a result of losing a beloved child. As a coworker once said to me, "Mrs. Clay, ... He's hurting too!" And, I was like, ... "He is?" And, ... "You coulda fooled me!" :) Sad, but true! :(

Let me hasten to say that not all angel moms/dads experience or go through this kind of additional trauma while grieving the loss of a child, [Thank God!] A lot of angel moms & dads are able to go through it together. When hubby and I were there, [Both feeling guilt, anger, seeking answers to the "Why" question, ... Still very much in shock & disbelief], ... We didn't have a clue! Ha-ha! At least, ... I know I didn't! Now, however, I thank God for seeing us through that god awful time.

Once again, ... A very touching poem, dear Sandy ... And I, for one, am very glad you shared it with us; especially with Father's Day being so close at hand. Hats off to author, Judi Walker!:)

I pray that God will bless all angel dads, and keep them in His loving care!

Much love & Angel Hugs to all Angel Dads, & ...

To all parents who have lost a precious & beloved child, ...

Much love & Angel Hugs,

Verna

Dear All, ~ Let us continue to pray for the family of Paul M. Johnson Jr. And, ... Let us thank God for accepting him into the kingdom, where he will never again know hate or pain and suffering. May our Lord and Savior reveal to His children near and far, that learning to love one another is the ultimate answer to world peace! Otherwise, ... We all lose. :( Father God, ... Please show us the way! In Jesus' name, I pray, ... Amen!

Hi my dear sisters. Once again I ask for forgivenes for my anger. I am so so angry for everything, specially at those nuts that in the name of God are doing such horrible things, if you can mix my anger with those animals all I want to do is to dro A BIG BOMB on then, and then there is no more suffering, we are good people, they are NOT, oh yes I know that we are supposed to forgive and love, but hech right now I am very angry, I want to dorp THE BOMB on all of them and maybe we can live with Peace. I am going through deep valley days, so I am ready to kill them on, sorry if some of you don't agree with me, but I am very honest about my feelings, and guess what I still can love. Will you figure that out? Love Selva

Just and update. It has been determined that Zion died due to SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome). I thank God for allowing our family to raise awareness about SIDs with others. Love2u and Selvan, and members of this prayer circle, thank you so much for your loving prayers and thoughtfulness!

Hi our dear Miss V, isn't that a fitting poem that Judi Walker wrote - I think because we women can freely let our feeling's out, crying, screaming, venting, we forget that men, Dads, sometimes can't react that same way. Bravo to the Dad that can, but I believe the majority of them try to be strong for the family and then we Moms think they 'don't care' because they're not letting their emotions out. But they are hurting, and hurting badly, your Post reflect's this so well. So to all those Dads who've lost a child, and to our own father's who may not be with us anymore either, we honor them all on their special day too.
Much love & Angel Hugs,
Sandy

Hello csnuggs, thank's so much for posting back and letting us all know, it's much better to know it wasn't a result of someone else, but that still doesn't take the pain away of little Zion's parents and his family, and you, his dear Aunt. All of you have been in our daily prayers, and will continue to be, Cathy and Lo-ken still have a painful Journey ahead of them, God bless them. We all pray that one day they'll know exactly what cause's SIDS, and please, tell Cathy that she is very welcome to come here, to this Circle of Love, if she need's extra support and understanding, we all know of the pain of losing a precious child and we all know too well of the pain that come's from it. May God in His love and mercy Bless you all,
Love & Angel Hugs,
Sandy

Hi our dear sister, everyone is saddended by the murder of Mr. Johnson, but the people who did that are not doing it in the name of God, they're doing it out of hatred, and hatred never make's sense. They're also a big disgrace to their own faith by trying to pretend they're doing it out of their faith. They have none.
Anyway, I know you better, I know that your deep valley day's are causing this anger in you, God bless you, your pain is so intense still and that's why you're so angry. And you know what? You have every right to be angry, you've lost the most precious person in the world to you, your beloved Solange.
So please make some good use out of that punching bag, and let it all out, we all love you dearly and we al know how big that heart of your's is! So it's not hard for any of us to 'figure it out', :-). Love you my dear sister and praying for some peace for you tonight, and everyday after that,
Lots of love & Tender Hugs,
Sandy

Hi my dear sisters. I'm sorry I wrote with so much anger,I can tolerate injustice, and get very frustrated when there is nothing I can do about it. I really don't want to kill them all, I just want God to help all those suffering from thos barbarics. I will pray and pray like my sister Sandy said, that we can have Peace in this world. Love you all. Selva

Hi AngelMoms,
Sandy, A million thank-yous for sharing the poem with us. I printed it out on really nice paper and bought a beautiful (manly) frame to give to my husband. We just talked about this a few weeks ago when I was going through my "I am so tired of this" period. I askd him how he did it; how could he function when he felt like screaming. He said he just does. He did share with me that it bothers him still when his clients will ask how I am doing and don't ever ask how HE is doing. His clients don't know me, they have never met me but week after week they ask how I am doing and it hurts his feelings. I felt so badly for him. People always think the Moms must suffer so much more, when the truth is both Moms and Dads suffer. Maybe not equally but uniquely. I suggested to my husband that he reply, She's doing the same as I am; we both miss Alex very much. That way (without hitting them over the head) people might realize that Dads hurt too.
We went by the cemetery today and the tree that fell over Alex's grave during the storm earlier this month is STILL there. I have a feeling someone is going to hear my big mouth on Monday. My husband has spoken to the people in the office twice already. Maybe it's time for Momma to get involved...
You all continue to be in my prayers.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan, ~ Your post in defense of all angel dads brought a smile to my face. :) What a perfect response you have suggested to your hubby! You know I agree that our angel dads are hurting too. That is one reason I tend to bring the topic up every now and then. It really needs to be addressed. We moms get to let it out. In fact, it is expected & accepted by society. Dads, on the other hand, have been raised to be strong and hold everything inside. Hopefully, this concept will change someday. At least, by bringing it up here, more angel moms and others who support us here, will help change that concept. Thanks again for your post on this important topic. Maybe one day, more angel dads will speak out on this topic, too!

Also, Sue, concerning the fallen tree over your beloved Alex's grave, all I can say is, ... "You go Momma!" :) As we southerners say, "I'd be on them like white on rice!" :)
Love & Angel Hugs,
Verna

PS: Another wet one in Shreveport today! The skies got so dark in the NE section this afternoon, I thought we might be in for another big storm! Sure hope there was no more damage done in your area or anywhere for that matter. It didn't last too long in our area but we had loud thunder, a lot of lightening, and pretty strong winds. I was out in it, picking up meds, but made it home before the heavy downfall thank God!

A Father's Day message from heaven:

To all Angel Dads, ...

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

~ To My Dad On Father's Day ~

I knew how much it would break your heart
When God said my time had come ...
When He sent His angels to take me back
To heaven where I came from

It broke my heart to leave you Dad
I knew how sad you would be

But I want you to know...

I asked God's permission
To take part of you with me

I knew how bold it was of me
To make such a heartfelt request
But God just smiled ... Because He knew
When it comes to fathers ... You are the best!

So on Father's Day and Everyday ...
Please know ... We are never far apart
For I carry you Today and Always ...
~ Forever in my heart!!! ~

With Eternal Love, &
Hugs from Heaven,
~ Your Guardian Angel ~

06/20/2004

From: Fruits of The Spirit
By:
Verna R. Clay