Prayer Circles

Hey my dear sister Lisa, you know by now that these word's don't belong here:
whining, sorry, pity party! I don't know what those word's mean at this Circle of Love, they just don't apply!
You had a really rough weekend and experience at the Cemetary, everything that happened with Aaron's own funeral was mirrored in the one you witnessed. I didn't cry either at Shane's Funeral, I was just too numb and running on auto-pilot. We didn't have a graveside ceremony though, Shane's wishes were always to be cremated, so that's what we did. No doubt you were running on 'auto pilot' that day yourself. Please don't get upset with me dear one, but I'm happy you lost your self-control and let it all out, it was there and it needed to. You're not rambling either, why is it so scary for you to 'lose it' and cry from your heart and soul for your Aaron? You love him dearly, you miss him fiercly, it's OK to feel that way. Every Mom here know's how you feel, and every Mom and our Angelo have lost it at some point, if not many! I'm so sorry you don't have support, you know you always do here, but I know it's not the same. I'm not blaming anyone, it's so hard for other's to understand what we go through, unfortunately. This is another one of those times that I wish so much there weren't so many miles between us. Thank you for being here and sharing your feelings with us, it show's true courage to do that, and yes, we all know how you're feeling! You're only going into your second year, it's usually during this time the reality set's in and we realize that our child isn't coming back. Perhaps's that could be playing a role too? It sound's as though you have a lot to cope with right now too, your step-daughter miscarrying for the 4th time, that has to be really tough, you're probably doing your best to console her, God love her, while at the same time you need it too. Plus your Aunt, that's really sad and also is worrying you. You have a lot on your plate right now, so please don't be too hard on yourself, you need some TLC yourself! Do you remember in the trailer for the Movie when the Therapist say's it's alright to be angry and question God, that He's big enough to handle it? He IS and He loves you beyond any love we'll ever experience this side of the veil. My own faith slipped a bit when I heard on Friday that little Carlie had been found, dead. For the first time in my life, I said 'Why'? We ARE human, and we don't always understand, so you know it's alright to feel that way too! Please my dear friend, my sister AngelMom, do something just for yourself tonight, you deserve it and I pray tomorrow is a better one for you - if not, you KNOW we're here and we'll always listen.
Much love & lots of Tender Hugs,
Sandy

Hello AngelMoms and Dads,
It's been a while since I posted; I have been completely overwhelmed with anger and grief and so many other feelings that I could barely speak to people let alone type. My husband and I found out from our attorney that the truck that hit and killed my son wants to sue us for the damage to the truck and its cargo. The amount is obscene. Our atty. wants us to countersue so that there can be an investigation as to what really happened. I also saw for the first time the photos of Alex's wrecked car and I almost passed out. It was just too much. My poor baby! I can now picture him in that mangled mess and it is a thought I cannot get out of my mind. I was doing so well; putting Alex and his life (and death) in a special place in my heart and just beginning to feel I can actually smile a little and find some sort of joy. No more. I'm back where I started; not sleeping for days, then sleeping for days. I imagine him screaming and in pain and I cannot take it. My Dr doubled my medication and I pray it works. I'm angry at myself because I thought I was stronger, I mean, I already went through the worst that a mother can go through. I should have never looked at those pictures.I know there is a reason for everything, but why now? It's 9 months today and I honestly thought this would be the first month that while I would feel sad and miss Alex; I could concentrate on the blessing that his life was. I don't know what to do.

Dear Lisa and Alexznangel,

I am so sorry that you are having such rough times, you both had a traumatic expierence the last days, Lisa at the funeral and Alexmom when looking at the pictures. You both are having a major breakdown but in time you will survive this one, until the next comes and survive that one until the next comes until God willing they get fewer and fewer. I don't know whats in the air but there seem to be times where we all in this group have a 'collective breakdown', Sandy had her crazy dreams, our poor sister Selva is being hit with bad news, which I hope are not true, I am having some valley days and all the others are not doing very well either. I hope this once again is just a phase and will be over soon and I pray that he next collective breakdown won't be so rough. I am questioning God all the time, I know there must be a reason but I don't understand or don't want to accept, I don't want my baby to be in heaven but to be with me, I am capable of giving her the love and all material things she needs and wants so WHY in God's sake isn't she here??? I just don't get it.
Well it's enough for now, I am very sorry that we all feel like this, hopefully it won't last too long this time.
Dear Selva we all pray that the news are not true, please have us know how you doing, we wish you the best outcome possible.
God bless you all
Sou

Hello my dear Susan, what a terrible thing to happen, not only the lawsuit, but viewing the pictures of Alex's accident. I'd be very angry too if the vehicle that killed my son wanted to sue us for damages! Surely the truck was insured itself for it's cargo, why are they going after you now? They must know that Alex died in the accident, so your anger is very understandable. Ouch, seeing those pictures of the wreck must have been damaging to your phsyche, how could they not. Of course they'd raise painful images and thoughts for you, little wonder it's set you back, dear one! Other Moms here who've lost their child to a car accident have expressed the same feelings, wondering if their children were in a lot of pain, what were their last thoughts, everything you're feeling right now. Just off the top of my head, Miss V, Lisa, Selva, all have experienced what you're now going through. I like to believe that God in His love sent one of His Angel's to remove your and their beloved child from all the above and took them straight home. Why are you angry with yourself, dear AngelMom, all of that would set anyone back, that's so much to take in, and it's only been 9 months. I'm happy you posted, you were able to let some of it out, here at your safe Circle, as I said to Lisa, it takes more courage to let all these feelings out rather than keep them in, and you know all of us here understand and will give you our love and support.
I pray too that the doubling-up of your med.s help's you to get more sleep, take's the 'edge' off of those pictures that are haunting you, and help you to deal with all this a little better. God bless you dear Susan, let yourself go with all these feelings, if you try to 'bury' them, they'll only crop up later and may come out in other ways, as difficult and painful it is right now, we're all here for you, if you want to rant and scream, you know you can safely do it here. Hopefully another Mom who's lost their child to an accident will post too, we love you, support you and our prayers are with you, dear Mom of Alex,
Much love & Tender Hugs,
Sandy

Hello my dear sister Sou, you're also having a rough time, God be with you! Gosh yes, there does seem to be 'collective' breakdowns here, at least we can love and support each other through these painful times. I know there's nothing more that your heart would desire than to have your sweet little Sarah with you right now! It just doesn't seem fair, does it. You know my dear Sou that it's alright to be angry and to question especially during these 'valley times' that you're also experiencing, in time as you say yourself, they will pass, and you know by now that we're all here for you with our love and support, and always will be. Grieving is so much like that, 3 steps forward, two back, and then we slowly go forward again. I'm so sorry that you too are having such a hard time again too, it must be difficult to be at work right now. We're all here for you dear Mother of Sarah, and yes, let's hope this collective phase passes soon for everyone, the sun is definitely hidden in the clouds today,
salaam my sister
Much love & Tender Hugs,
Sandy

Dear Angel Moms and Dads, ~ I think what Sou has come up with the perfect name for what's happening right now. Thank you, Sou, for giving it a name. I have been reading for the last few days, but could not handle the pain involved to post. I have also been extremely depressed and so very angry, since I learned what happened to that the precious little girl that we all were praying for. Just the thought brings tears to my eyes! Thank you also Sou, for the name you chose to describe the pervert who did this horrible thing. I felt like saying the same thing and a whole lot more! And, unfortunately, I still do!!! That's another reason I have not been able to post lately. I feel I need to really pray hard to overcome all that I'm feeling lately. I still cannot type much, but wanted to check in and let everyone know that I am doing OK, but just feeling everyone's pain right now along with my own. I will always have faith in a loving God, but the evil one still has a way of messing with the progress I've made over the pass few years. That's just how it is sometimes. But as the saying goes, this too shall pass, and when it does, we will be able to smile and say to the evil one who has caused all of life's storms, "In your face!" It is not easy, ... But with God's help, together, ... We will survive!!!
God's peace & blessings,
LOVE2U

[PS: One breath, one minute, one hour, one day at a time!!!]

Happiness is a journey, not a destination. So work like you don't need money, grieve as often and for as long as you feel the need,pamper yourself, ~You deserve it!!! :)
Love like you've never been hurt, And, on a hilltop day,... dance like no one's watching!!! And, on valley days, I pray that fond memories will erase some of your pain! ~ Forever praying for all, ~LOVE2U

Hello our dear Miss V, terrific to see you posting, you too are missed around here, I pray that your health get's much better, also your hands, as well as your emotional health. Rough times all around lately, yes, our Sou has given it a good name, I agree with you, she has put a good name to it! I know, wasn't that awful about little Carlie, they have a Prayer Circle set up for her here at Beliefnet if anyone want's to add their prayers to it. Her poor, dear Parents! I know Miss V, so many, many Prayers were sent up to Heaven that she'd be found safe, I too for the first time said 'Why?'. Beautiful thoughts at the end of your posting, :-)
Take good care of yourself and our love and prayers are always with you,
Much love & Angel Hugs,
Sandy

Sandy,
Thanks so much for your comforting words. I don't know why it is so scary for me to lose it. I think I am scared I won't be able to gain control again. After this weekend and today I have done a lot of "losing it" though. And I guess I know that I will regain control sometime but it is a really scared feeling to be so out of control of my thoughts and feelings. This morning I went to my med. doctor and told him how I have been feeling the past 3 weeks and he added Welbutrin to my anti-depressant dose that I already take. I know I probably need it because I truly truly feel depressed more than I ever have before. I will start taking it tomorrow but I don't want to become addicted to meds. I already tried to come off the zolft once and couldn't do it, but I don't think right now I can handle it. I just started crying in the doctors office and cried all the way back to work. I honestly thought I was totally out of control. So, I decided to stop by my therapists office (I was going to just barge in and tell her I was out of control). But the office was not open yet. There is a little 24 hour chapel on the grounds to her office so instead I went in there and just cried and cried and begged God to please help me. I'm not sure how long I was in there, it felt good in there. I'm thinking maybe I should go there everyday. Some sort of calmness came over me while I was in there. It is right around the corner from my work so I could go there on my lunch hour etc. Anyhow, I finally got myself together enough to go back to the office and I left a message for my therapist to call me. She called me right back right away and calmed me down and talked to me. I am still drained and tired from being so upset but I finished my work day and made it home. I am not doing anything tonight, just going to relax and pray again and again and again.

Susan (Alexzangel),
I can totally relate to what you are going through. I too saw pictures of my son Aaron's car a few months after the accident. It is an awful helpless feeling. Wondering what they were thinking, screaming etc. I used to drive myself crazy (& still do sometimes) thinking about what he must have looked like, was he calling for me etc. My son was not only killed in a car accident but the car was ignited on fire from electrical wires that fell upon the car. So, therefore I never got so see my son, what he looked like, what was left etc. That still haunts me today. For the longest time everytime I looked at his picture I would see this charred skeletal looking face staring back at me. I couldn't stand it. It was just my imagination showing me what I think he would have looked like etc. It's like reliving the tragedy all over again. One thing that really helped me though, is I went to see this medium (I am a real skeptic) and she knew things about Aaron and our relationship that no one did. Anyway, she was talking for Aaron and he said that he popped right up out of his body instantly and he was in no pain. He was looking down on the accident in disbelief. It comforts me to know that God didn't let him suffer. From what I have learned from my own grief and most of those here at the circle is we take one step forward and then 2 steps back. It is a constant for a while. But one day it will be more steps forward and less back. I'm glad you posted, it gives me a chance to know that others think the same as me. We are not alone (though sometimes we feel as we are) God be with you and your family. I pray for you to find a little peace and relief from this very hard journey we are on.
Lisa

Sou and Verna,
I agree with you naming what we are going through as "collective breakdowns". It does seem to kinda run that way doesn't it? Sou, thank you for you kind words and please know that you are in my prayers also. I thought about you when my step-daughter lost her baby last week. It is just as hard to lose an unborn child that it is to lose any child. They are still YOUR children.
Love,
Lisa

Verna,
I'm glad you posted and hope you are doing better. How is the hubby recuperating?
Lisa

I think of Matthew and wonder what there is left of me to say and do in this life. I cry..and I cry. My heart is not gettin stronger..it will be 2 years in June since I last held my son in my arms and told him that I loved him. He told me that he loved me too. Said " I'll see you when I get home Ma" "please be careful I whispered".." Have a good time son"..."I will, and don't worry Ma"..I'll see you when I get home" ..."but your bed! I said".."aw Ma..I'll make it up ..I promise when I get home"...."okay Matt...when you get home"....But you did'nt come home Matthew!!!!....ohhh my dear sisterangelmoms..why does that play in my mind all the time.I relive that over and over again....God help me...I want Matthew, here home with me. I need to go.I can't see to type.I love you all...In His Care I Press On.....Eva

Oh my Gosh, we really all have a huge breakdown at this point, I can fell all your pain in your posts and all I can do is pray that it will soon be over and that we will have some normal days again. Dear Lord help us through these tough valley days we all are going through, let the sun shine through these very dark clouds.

I think it was our dear Miss V who brought it to a point. I thank you very much for your words, they really were eye opening. We are angy at God and question Him and His decisions, although we know that there MUST be a reason our children returned to Him. As for me I was losing my faith a little more by the day but Miss V you gave us the explanation for our feelings and anger towards God. The devil is whispering these ugly thoughts in our ears and we don't think twice but question God. Now I finally know where my thoughts are coming from so suddenly but now I am ready to fight back. As you said it, "In your face!" I am not going to stop praying because I feel left alone by God, instead I will pray because I know I will meet my baby girl in heaven one day. This life is not forever, we are all being tested and one great day we will get our biggest reward, meet God and of course our children.
Bless you all
Sou

This has to be one of the saddest and most painful Monday of Posting's that I have ever seen at this Circle. The pain, emotions expressed here by every dear one of you is almost palpable. Just reading all your Posting's has made me cry, my heart aches for each and everyone of you. How I wish so much I could be with each one of you and wrap my arms around you and let you cry, I feel so helpless just sitting at this keyboard and talking to all of you this way. Lisa, you should have phoned me this weekend, feeling the way you are - I'm very happy though that you found some peace in the Chapel. Eva, you KEEP pressing on, and keep writing here when the pain hit's so bad. God has us all linked together for a purpose, there are no accidents with Him, perhaps that's why as you so aptly put it dear Sou, the pain and grief are 'collective' in this Circle of Love. I love you all my dearest sister's, AngelMoms, and I will be praying very hard for all of you tonight. All of you are very special women, Mothers, and I am very blessed to call you friend.
In deep Prayer for all of you,
Sandy
Mother of Shane

Dear Sandy & Angel Moms, I've read all the postings.I started not get on tonight,but I'm glad I did.I know how you all feel,I'm feeling it too.Soon it will be my Christie's 29th birthday.I see her friends,married having babies,and I think it so unfair,she should be here.She never had the chance to get married and have children,she loved children and would have been a great mother.I don't understand why shes not here,I need her so much! I better go,can't hardly see to write. Love & Hugs to all Sharonlee

Hi Sharonlee, My heart goes out to you and all our other angel moms/dads who are dealing with the pain of missing their beloved child. Special days are always so difficult to get through. We try to prepare ourselves ahead of time, but no matter how hard we try, the pain of missing our beloved children is ever present; especially during all special days. I pray that the poem below will help ease the pain and bring a measure of comfort to you now, and during your beloved Christie's birthday. My Diane dearly loved children too, and I know I would have spoiled them! :) She expressed in a paper she wrote in 1993, that she would like to have a boy and a girl immediately if she knew she was going to die, but had at least two years left to live. Her reason ... [So that a part of her could go on living.] I learned of this paper long after she died. Please know my thoughts are with you and family daily, and I will remember you all in my heartfelt prayers.
God's peace and blessings,


You Are Not Alone

God always knows when we are hurting
Never doubt how much He cares
The thing we must remember isVerna

Mother of Diane
8/16/60 - 8/31/96
Forever In Our Hearts
God hears our heartfelt prayers

He forgives us when we're angry with Him
He wipes our tears away
He knows that we DON’T understand
There will be a brighter day

We CAN’T see the total picture
As we are traveling through this land
And even though our hearts are shattered
For each of us God has a plan

Life here on Earth is but a moment
We see death as being the end
God knows it is just the beginning
For our children, our loved ones, our friends

And like them when we too have finished
All that God has sent us to do
We'll rejoice with all of our loved ones
In a world that to us will be new

Until then let's encourage each other
THAT’S what God would have us to do
In times of great sorrow He's been there for me ...
And I know He'll be there for you!

[From Fruits of The Spirit]
By: Verna R. Clay


Hey Sandy! ~ I love your idea of adding your "Forever Love Bond" at the end of your post above! So, I copied your idea and added one of my own. What a unique way to remind each other of our children's very special days! How about it angel moms/dads? We could use copy/paste to add it to every post before submitting! But only if you so desire!
Much love & Angel Hugs!
Verna

Mother of Diane
8/16/60 - 8/31/96
Forever In Our Hearts!

HA-HA! Sorry about the mistake while trying to copy/paste the poem! I guess I was so excited about Sandy's & Shane's Forever Love Bond, I got carried away! It pays to check BEFORE submitting a post. I knew that!!! :) Anyway, I'll TRY to get it right this time! :) Sandy, ... Now you know I am laughing at me!!! And after the oh so many valley days in a row, I think I needed to laugh! I guess I'll go to bed after this! :)

You Are Not Alone

God always knows when we are hurting
Never doubt how much He cares
The thing we must remember is
God hears our heartfelt prayers

He forgives us when we're angry with Him
He wipes our tears away
He knows that we DON’T understand
There will be a brighter day!

We CAN’T see the total picture
As we are traveling through this land
And even though our hearts are shattered
For each of us ... God has a plan

Life here on Earth is but a moment
We see death as being the end
God knows it is just the beginning
For our children, our loved ones, our friends

And like them when we too have finished
All that God has sent us to do
We'll rejoice with all of our loved ones
In a world that to us will be new!

Until then let's encourage each other
THAT’S what God would have us to do
In times of great sorrow He's been there for me ...
And I know He'll be there for you!

[From: Fruits of The Spirit]
By: Verna R. Clay

Mother of Diane
8/16/60 - 8/31/96
Forever In Our Hearts!

Dear Angelmoms and dad,

I hope that all of you, who are going through major valley days, will feel better soon. We really had some very painful posts but let's keep up our faith in God and hope that He will take away our pain for a while. Me too I wish we could all get together, cry together and hug each other, but glory be to God, we found each other here and are able to comfort each other with our words. I pray that all of us will see some light at the end of the tunnel and get back our hope and strength to deal with the loss of our beloved children.
God bless you all.
Sou

Mom to tiny Sarah
9/7/03 - 9/7/03

Hello my dear Sharon Lee, gosh sweetie, you also. Sometime's the anticipation leading up to these 'special days' is worse than the actual day itself, I hope this is the case for you! When we lose a child, we lose a future. All the things, events that we pictured for them are gone, wiped out by their death. No my dear AngelMom, it doesn't seem fair. What we wouldn't do to turn back the clock, but we can't, somethings are beyond our control. I'm so sorry that you too are having some painful valley days. And I'm happy that you changed your mind, and did post here, through your tears you were able to let some of it out, and receive our love and support for you during these cloudy days. I pray today that you have been given some peace in your heart from our loving God. Never hesitate to post here dear one, you know we all honour each other's feelings, and are here to support and love each other through the painful times. On Christie's birthday we'll all remember the special day for you too.
Much love, prayers & Angel Hugs,
Sandy

Hello dear Miss V! Love your poem, and I'm happy you had a good laugh, you and everyone else deserve's one so much! Don't feel bad, I just did the same thing myself - I think it's a wonderful idea, anyone who want's to do it, add their Angel dates, is a way of honouring their child, and letting us all know of the special days that we all have and are supported by here. Good thinking Miss V, :-). OK, here I go and this time I'll get it right,
Much love & Hugs,
Sandy
Mom of Shane
28/05/74 - 15/03/1999

Good Morning my dear Sou, you sound a tiny bit better, I hope and pray that's the case, but if not, you know you can always be honest about your feelings here, actually I don't need to tell you that, you're at home here at your Circle. I pray the same as you do for all, yourself too, :-) and yes, Glory to God we DO have each other, at this special Circle of Love that we have all created. Praying for the easing of your own valley days my dear sister,
Much love & Angel Hugs,
Sandy

oops, I did it again, :-) hit 'submit' before adding! I have an idea (just for myself) on every new page we start, I'll remember to add the dates after my Post, because I know I'm going to forget some, :-)

Hello everyone, actually we do have a 'special day' here today. I just checked my list, and it's Billie's (speedyni) son's Nikki's Birthday today.

Billie, I know this is going to be a hard day to deal with, cry and let it out, dear one, and do something special to mark the day, perhaps's light a Candle for Nikki. It help's a little when we can do something on these special days. Love and prayers for you as you remember Nikki's birthday,
if you still have a computer, I hope you'll post, but just know I'm thinking of you on this day,
Much love & lots of Hugs,
Sandy
Mom of Shane
28/05/74 - 15/05/99

Happy Birthday Nikki! I hope they throw you a huge party up in heaven! We pray for you Billi, that you make it well through this day, imagine your Nikki with all the other angels celebrating his birthday and being happy. May God grant you happiness on this special day and give you peace of heart.
Love
Sou

Hi Dear Sandy,
Yes, I am doing much much better. You noticed from my post, wow! :o)

Miss V's words have really helped me a lot. I was debating with God and questioning His will day in day out, just like I was in that deep hole and you pulled me out, this time it was our Dear Miss V who pulled me out and I hope her words helped so many others here.

When we question God and His decisions, the devil is having great times and thinks he got another one astray. But I will try to stay strong, believe in God's will although it's tough and hang in there. This life will be over sooner or later and who knows, life may bring a lot of happiness, although we can't imagine that right now.

May God be with all of you
Love
Sou