Prayer Circles

Dear Sou, ~ [This is my response to your post to me on 12/23/2003]. Yes, it was so very painful for my husband to have to be the one to deliver such tragic news. Then, to have me push him away when he tried to console me ... It really placed a strain on our relationship for a long while. That is one of the things I cover in the book that I am writing. That is, how important communication is between husband and wife after the loss of a child. More than a year passed before we were able to talk about that night and what happened on the morning that we were finally allowed to identify our daughter's body. When he first told me what had happened; ... When he finally said, "Baby, ... We loss Diane tonight!" Whew!!! Then, being told later, that I could not go to see her, ... I recall looking up at him, and thinking, "This man must be losing his mind! He just told me that my child is dead, and now he is telling me that I cannot go see her?"

At the time, he was holding me so tightly, I could not breathe ... That was when I tearfully asked my sister to please, ... "Make him turn me loose!" At the time all of this was happening, I had no idea that my words had hurt him deeply! He told me later, my mom later, that he felt as though I blamed him for Diane's death. He also told her that I looked at him as though I hated him! Of course, that was not the case, but until my mom informed me of his feelings, I did not know!!! Because he and my mom were very close, he had shared his feeling with her, and she later informed me. Once I was informed, I did explain to him that it was not him that I was rejecting ... But the news which no mother wants to hear! And, I also explained that being in shock; only moments after hearing my daughter had been killed, ... Still hyperventilating and trying to keep breathing, I really couldn't breathe literally ... When I requested that he turn me loose, it was a matter of survival; not rejection! Once we were able to finally talk about what happened that night, [And, this was over a year later], he finally explained to me that if he had gone with me that morning to identify Diane's body, he would have lost it, and never returned. When I asked him what he meant by never return ... He responded, "Just that!" ... And, walked out!

I remember while trying to continue working and dealing with the hard times with feelings of guilt and miscommunication that one of my coworkers said to me one day, "Mrs. Clay, I understand how traumatic a burden this must have been for you, but ... You must remember ... He's hurting, too!" He, and his wife had suffered the loss of an infant child, and had successfully worked through their feelings of hurt, anger, and forgiveness. It was he, who recommended to me to seek grief counseling. That, along with joining a support group, proved to be most helpful in my understanding the ways in which men grieve. Even then, it still took years to finally reach the stage of total forgiveness! It was only after God placed this prayer circle in my path, that I was finally able to talk openly about all that I had felt; and it was here through open confession that I was able to face that issue, and finally work through the pain and forgive my husband and myself for what we put each other through while trying to deal with our own personal grief. The destructive pain we caused each other, was not intentional, but it was real for a time. Now that we have a deeper understanding of how each of us deal with the pain of our loss, we have grown much closer, and respect each other's right to grieve; each in our own way. Rest assured, learning to forgive, is very much a vital part of the healing process! I truly thank you, Sou, for allowing me to touch on this important topic; as it may prove helpful to others who have had to deal with forgiveness in addition to the trauma of losing one's child. Please know that your posts are treasured and have been most helpful to me and others, even as you continue on your own painful grief journey; especially during this very special time. Please know also that you, your hubby, and your precious little angel, Sarah, are very much in my thoughts, which places you all in my heartfelt prayers!
God's peace and blessings,
LOVE2U
Verna

Good Morning Angel Moms,
Love to all,
Lisa

Hi AngelMoms,

Sorry for not posting for quiete a while. I was reading though. I had a few valley days and probably it will continue until I am out of the 'due date area' which will be January 5th. It's funny how life has changed and little things don't matter no more. I can't believe how I was worried about little things, like if my clothes match, if I should wear make up or not of that it's time to dye my hair...
Life has really changed.

Although we don't celebrate Christmas it was tough, actually I was glad that we don't celebrate. I avoided going to the mall and seing mothers with their children buying gifts. I was thinking of you AngelMoms and tried to imagine how hard it must be on you, you that spent years with your childen, buying them gifts, see their happy faces when they opened them and now total emptness, all of a sudden. I couldn't imagine, it was too overwhelming. You were in my prayers all the time.

I didn't do anything during the Holidays, we just stayed at home. I had two maids in the house, cleaning it up, I haven't done anything since weeks, it's a project for me just to cook tea, so let alone cleaning. I just do the minimum in the house, like laundry and dishes so they won't start to rott. It is good to have a clean house again. Before I had so much energy, my husband told me that he believes I can crawl up the ceiling but now it's all gone but I don't care.

I went to the cemetory yesterday and I started feeling a bit better. The clouds are still there and no sun yet but I feel getting back there.

Dear Verna, I can still feel the pain through your postings. I pray that you will find healing and I am glad that you and your husband finally talked it out, it is so important in such a situation.

Dear Selva, I was thinking of you during the Holidays too. Are you still avoiding passing by your old house? You are truely a strong woman.

Dear Sandy, thank you for being here for us, you have your own loss to deal with and still you never forget anybody here. We really appreciate it. I was watching TV and the name Shane popped up, my heart skipped a beat and I was wondering why, until I remembered your dear son and you. I sent a prayer up for you.

Dear Eva, Angela, Galatians, Sharon, Marci and all other AngelMoms, I hope you made it through Christmas without your loved ones. It's just one more day, New Year's Eve then we are done with the holidays, thanks God. Let's hang in there and keep praying for peace of heart.

Let's also send a prayer for the 25.000 dead in Iran's earthquake, 8000 of them children and the parents of the dead chidlren in the mudslides in CA.

Isn't it horrible to turn on the news these days?

God bless you all
Sou

Dearest Angela,
Thank you for your kind and supportive words. Please never stop praying for us all. We need you.
Love and prayer,
Marci

Hi AngelMom Marci, everyone here is very special to me, miles may physically separate us, (and sometimes I find that frustrating!) but we're all linked together in heart, and that's what really matters. I'm so happy to hear from you, I know how painful and overwhelming at times it is and it's all you can do to get out of bed some mornings, the prospect of facing another day can be very difficult, but you're so right dear Marci, you're never alone here. It IS the most difficult road in life to travel for a Parent, and sometimes it can be a very lonely one, but please always remember that we are walking alongside you, lifting you up in your dark times, and always praying for you, especially when you can't. Our love and support, prayers are always with you sweetie, it's too hard a Journey to travel alone. Oh Marci, it certainly was a very difficult week for you and your family, ontop of facing your first Christmas without your precious Sean Michael, then to have to frantically worry about your daughter! You must have all been panic-stricken waiting to hear something from her! I heard on the news about the earthquake and mudslides in California, and the also very tragic one in Iran, and prayed for all, never realizing that your daughter was so close to the epicenter. Good gosh yes, your mind would be running wild, worrying about her and waiting for some word! Praise God she was safe at the Beach, I bet you cried tears of joy when you heard from her! YES, God does work in mysterious ways, imagine, she wasn't even aware of what had taken place! Wow, I guess she is your miracle, surviving a terrible car crash, that must have also been a difficult time for you and your dear family. She has her Angel's watching over her! I know dear one, you wish Sean's Angel's would have saved him too, but I know they were there for him, to help lead him into Heaven. I understand how you feel about not wanting Evan to drive, we always become over-protective with our remaining child/children with the fear present right now with you, God love you. Please post anytime dear Marci, this is your Circle too, and you can ALWAYS count on our love, support and prayers,
Much love & Tender Hugs,
Sandy

Hi dear Lisa, nice to see you posting, I know you're still on Holidays, I have a feeling you're not doing very well, I pray that you're taking some time just for yourself, you know we're always here if you feel like sharing, and you know you're always in our hearts and love,
Love, Prayers & Angel Hugs,
Sandy

Hi dear AngelMom Sou, it's terrific to see a Post from you, but I can feel your extreme sadness and depression in your posting, God be with you. I'm so sorry you're going through such a tough time right now, but you know - it's very important to 'claim your grief', you have a right to feel as you do, especially with little Sarah's due date now here, bringing up painful moments and memories for you, my dear sister. Losing a child does change your life, a part of you went with your Angel Sarah, and the things we considered important before just don't have the same significance as they once did. In my life it was one of the positive changes that came out of the pain over losing Shane, but that's me, it doesn't apply to everyone. I know you don't celebrate Christmas, (I have a dear friend who recently converted to Islam) but still, as you say, you're confronted with the crowds in the Malls, stores, happy families, who through no fault of their own of course, drive home our own loss to us and bringing up your pain too over your loss of your precious pearl. I'm glad you had some help with your house, I don't know how you Moms do it when you have to return to work after your loss, it must take a lot of inner strength, grieving is hard not only emotionally, but physically as well. Shane's name popped up on TV, and you said a Prayer for me - God does work in His way, thank you dear Sou, that's how I deal with my own, so many dear people like you, praying for me! I'm truly blessed by all of you, and to God be the Glory. You know too that you're always in our heart, love, and prayers, and I'll be storming Heaven for you that the dark clouds do lift, and the sun once again comes through for you - don't forget to take care of yourself too, it's a tender time for you also right now.
Oh, I know, what a horrific loss of life caused by the earthquake in Iran, there's a Prayer Circle for it on the front page of Beliefnet, they've also shown on our news our local Iranian community, so many lost loved ones, young and old over there. And also the earthquake in California, my heart goes out to all, some day's I just can't listen to the Media, so much sadness in the World. Yes, just New Year's now to get through, and together we can pray for peace in everyone's heart, my love and prayers are with you dear AngelMom Sou, please be gentle with yourself too,
Much love & Tender Hugs,
Sandy

Hi my dear sister Lisa, I know that you are on vacation, but you know that our prayers are with you 24/7, I know my sister, we are only one month apart, keep on pressing on my dear sister. somehow God will help us on this. Love Selva. Hi Sue nice to see your post again, yes my dear sister, what a terrible loss, I still ask Why, after watching the news and looking at so much devastation, little kids dead, parents dead, I ask Why. But we have to keep on pressing On to Him, My prayers are with those families, God knows how hard I pray for them, please , we think that we have the worse, imagine those people who lost their entire family, Ay my God , please give them the strenght.Hi Marcy. Oh do I know what you went through worrying about your daughter, I did that 24/7, but remember , worry it is just a habit, there is nothing we can do no matter how much we worry, of course it is part of our human nature, but keep on thinking, worry it is just a habit. I am so happy that your daughter was OK, Sean Michael is looking out for his sister, but destiny its just that, I think we choose our lives before we are born to this Earth again (to tell you the truth, I want to knock me in my head all the time) but God Knows why I chosed this. Love you my sister, I'm sorry if I sound a little crazy, but you see, there is no judgment here, we all know what we are going through. Love you all my sisters. Selva

Hello - this is galatians4 - I changed my name to something more fitting. For some strange reason, I used to call my daughter Pearlie. The pain is still constant and worse some days than others. There seems to be no relief. Life is going on around me but I can't seem to get back into the rhythm. It's like she's on a trip and I can still expect to see her again and hear her voice. Even when the phone rings, it takes a second for me to realize it couldn't be her calling. The holidays will be over soon and my daughter's birthday is coming up in January. Do any of you do anything special on your child's birthday? I miss her so much, I don't know how I can continue on. I know I have to, but I don't know how. How do we know our loved ones are in heaven and do we know if we will be reunited with them? I think the knowledge of that in my heart of hearts would bring me peace.

Dear Lord,
Please bless all teh parents out there who are going through troubled times with the loss of their child. Hold them close to you and comfort them in your arms.
Please stay close to Doris who lost her precious Andrew. He would have turned 7 on Dec 10th and his Angel Aniversary is Jan 9th. Stay with her Lord and let her know that you are with her and that Andrew is with you. Thank you Lord,
Amen

Hi dear MyPearlie, I think your username now is a very beautiful way to honour your precious daughter! What a loving nickname for her. Oh sweetie, your pain is so very fresh and raw, biting right now, you're very much in shock and denial right now, and that's alright, it's the beginning stage of grieving, and when we Parents experience this ultimate loss, the worse pain we'll ever experience, everything seems very unreal to us. We just can't accept in the beginning that our child is no longer physically with us, our intense pain, 24/7 for you right now, plunges us into shock, and there isn't a Mom here, myself included, who didn't experience what you are right now. It's just too much for us to take in at once, it doesn't seem real at all, we expect to see them coming through the door, yelling "Hi Mom", picking up the phone and hearing their voice, 'seing' them on the street, or in a crowd of people, making our hearts leap for a moment, I remember that oh too well, shortly after my Shane passed away, I would 'see' him walking in a crowd, and run after him, only to realize painfully that it wasn't him, and that he wasn't here, but my mind and heart just wouldn't accept it then, and that's exactly how your heart and mind are right now, every Mom on these pages is or has experienced these same feelings as your's. We don't dare touch their belongings, or move anything in their rooms, because they belong to our child, and maybe they still 'need' them. Your overwhelming pain right now brings up these emotions in you, you're feeling things right now that you've never felt before, and please trust me on this, it's very normal to be feeling the way you are right now. You need time and plenty of it, and you need to be gentle with yourself right now. On top of your intense grief, you're facing your precious daughter's birthday next month, these 'special days' that once brought us so much joy, are just more pain for us to endure, the joy for you is gone right now. Yes, many of us do special things on our child's birthday, etc., some of the things I've done is to write a letter to Shane, have it put into a helium balloon, and then go to my special spot at a local Conservation area, and we let it go, watching it climb into the sky. Other things I've done are light a special Candle just for Shane, attend Church, and as crazy as this may sound, the first Birthday I even made his special cake for him. I know the other AngelMoms will tell you about some of the things that they've done to mark their child's special days. We here at the Circle always remember the special days of every Mom, so please let us know what day in January your daughter's birthday is on. You're not going to believe me right now, and I don't blame you one bit, when my Bereavement Counselor told me this, I thought she didn't have a clue what I was feeling; but you WILL get through this, in time, your time, the pain won't be 24/7 anymore, the darkness will start to lift ever so slowly, and you'll learn how to live with your loss and sadness. You're just starting your Journey, but those of us who have been on it longer, 4 years for myself, never thought that the pain would ever lift, but please trust me again, it WILL, you'll always have what we call 'valley days' when we once again are plunged into that pain, but thankfully they don't last as long now, and we're able to go on in our lives, but forever changed. You just need a lot of time right now dear one, your time, not what some well-meaning people may tell you, and you will one day, a breath at a time, an hour at a time, a day at a time, slowly come out of this intense pain, I promise you that. I understand completely the questions you have, we all want to know our children are happy, in Heaven, and we all want some sort of 'sign' that this is so, it would give you the knowledge and peace in your heart that you so desire!

~~Part 2~~
This is a multi-faith Circle, and I'm not sure what your beliefs are, but I can safely tell you that God in His great love safely has your daughter in His most loving arms, and because God is love, we know that love never dies, it's Eternal, it's the strongest bond and emotion in the world, and your love for your daughter and her love for you, lives on, and because love is Eternal, you will see her again when it's your time. My heart, love and prayers are with you dear AngelMom, you'll always have support, understanding here, and we'll always walk beside you on your Journey!
Love, Prayers, & Angel Hugs,
Sandy

Hello dear phoenixnraven, thank you for your prayers for all, we truly need them and appreciate them so much, I know Our Lord heard your prayer for Doris in her loss, very sorry to read about it, her dear little Andrew, only 7, know that Doris will be prayed for in her loss, and may God bless you in whatever way He knows you most need,
Love & Angel Hugs,
Sandy

My Lord
Thank you so much for allowing me to be with such wonderful Angela Moms & Dads
Thanks you all so very much for your support, during this season.

Peace & Blesssing
Angela's Dad
Angelo
I love you all very much

I just followed the Light from a Star
to arrive here
Thanks Angela

Dear Angelo, ~ A warm welcome to our circle of love. We have been expecting your arrival and now that you have, we hope you will begin to feel the love and support that flows freely in our circle of love. So, on behalf of our chief angel mom Sandy, and the rest of our angel moms & dads, I welcome you. Please know that you and your beloved daughter, Angela, are an important part of our circle of love and understanding and that you will be prayed for here.
God's peace and blessings, love & angel hugs,
Verna

I just followed the Light from a Star
to arrive here
Thanks Angela

Hello dear Sou, ~ Thanks again for your kind and understanding words. It is not easy to open up and share such painful memories. But, I have come far enough now on my painful journey to share with the hope that somehow others will learn from the mistakes hubby and I made during a time we both were experiencing grief unlike any we had ever known. If what I have shared helps just one person, then, my prayers will have been answered. I couldn't help but smile when you spoke of letting the house work go. Had it not been for my baby daughter coming over and giving me a hand during the holiday break, I doubt I would have answered my doorbell at all! Our Christmas was very quiet and peaceful; not a lot of company, just family and a few close friends. I spent a lot of time reading, and going through family photos; both of which I enjoy doing. I pray that God will place His shield around you now, and on your angels special day, and keep you in perfect peace.
Love & Angel Hugs,
Verna

Dear Selva,Lisa,Eva,Sou,Marci,MyPearlie,MrBird7777[Angelo],Doris, and all other newly bereaved moms and dads, and also those who have been on their grief journey a while longer: ~ I know that this is a very difficult time for each of us; but thank God, we have each other! God has been good to us by giving us this wonderful, warm, loving and compassionate place where we can come to share each others pain and loss. Time is meaningless when it comes to missing our children. We will always miss them and we will always love them and long to hold them in our arms again. This is the common bond that we angel moms/dads share. We recognize how important it is to talk about our children, and how losing them has changed who we once were. Our lives will never be the same, but that doesn't mean that we will never smile again or know joy in life again. As difficult as it is to believe, the indescribable grief will someday become easier to bear. It happens a little at a time, over many months, and yes, sometimes the first few years; but it will happen! The things which have helped me the most is my faith, the support of family and friends [online & off], reaching back to support others who are just beginning their painful journey, praying for all who have know the pain of losing a precious and beloved child. It is my prayer that God will continue to bless each and every angel mom and dad; not only here in our circle of love, but all over the world! As the year 2003 comes to a close, I pray for world peace ... For love and understanding in the hearts of people all over the world and that 2004 will be long remembered as the year that world peace was finally achieved.
God's peace and blessings,
Verna

Dear Sandy, Helloooooo again, Chief Angel Mom! Congratulations to you and our circle of love once again! This time, I decided to copy/paste the article so that you and the other angel moms and dads would not miss it! :)
Remember, I am the night owl angel mom, so I get to see all of the good stuff first! ha-ha!
Love & Angel Hugs,
Yo Miss V. (Verna)

Meet Some Inspiring Members
Get to know some of the remarkable members whose good deeds have added immeasurably to the quality of life on Beliefnet.





Every community has leaders and heroes—and the same is true for virtual communities, like Beliefnet. We asked our community staff and hosts to highlight the members who especially inspired them this year, and we offer our appreciation to all.

For three years Beliefnet member Shaner has lovingly tended the prayer circle and support group she began for bereaved parents, in memory of her late son Shane. It is one of Beliefnet's longest prayer circles, 202 pages with more than 4650 posts. Shaner volunteers three to four hours a week answering every post. Other members join in regularly to give mutual support. As one member noted, "You have no idea how long ive looked online for something like this....You are the thing ive been praying for." Shaner's comforting, accepting presence offers solace to those enduring this most difficult of losses.

i pray my sweet lord jesus to come into our lives and lift our heavy hearts fill them with your joy and peace and let us know our children are in you loving arms my lord i love you so much fill me with your warmth on these cold night knowing my child is warm in your embraces fill our lives with knowing we will one day be together again sharing your special teachings and love thank you sweet jesus for finding us hope on the darkest days knowing your heart is so full of light and peace

Hi Pearlie. My dear sister, this is such a complicated pain, I can imagine what you are going through, i just let go of Solange's material things 2 weeks ago, even if I was not staying in our home, i will pass everyday after work and sit on her room, smell her clothes, many times Iwhile i am driving a see girls who looks like her and keep on staring at them until a realize it is not Solange. I sleep with the phone on my pillow waiting for solange to call and tell me Hi Mom, I'm OK, like she used to do when she went out with her friends. She graduated from Earth on Aug 15, 2002, and on Dec 7 was her birthday, her 21st, she could not wait to be 21, so what I did was offer a Mass, and invited all of her friends and mine, our priest was so surprise to see so many young people at the church that night, after the mass, we let out 21 balloons up in the air, everybody wrote a little note on it and we sang Happy Birthday. This year I could not do it, I just bought her flowers and a candle, and asked her friends to go out and celebrate her birthday, they did. Just do what your heart tells you to do, try not to punish yourself with the guilt, the whys etc, be good to yourself right now, you are going through the worse nightmare that all parents fear, but think no are not alone, as you can read here, we support one another, and we do it for you too, you have our prayers and understanding, and please feel free to talk about it, we all understand your pain. Love and prayers. Selva