Prayer Circles

Hello prettybirdluvsu, what a nice name you've chosen for yourself! A warm welcome to this Circle, which you are now a part of, and I'm very sorry to read of your own loss of your beloved son, only 5 months ago, you must be in so much pain and disbelief right now. I can't pretend to know your pain, losing your precious son to murder, and all the different, complex emotions that it would bring up, God love you. Of course right now you have feelings of anger and hatred, but give yourself time, it's only been 5 months, and all of this is very fresh and raw for you still. In time, and plenty of it, your anger and hatred will go away, give it over to God, and He will help you with it. Yes, sweetie, you still expect your son to come walking through the door, seeing his smiling face, picking up the phone and it's him, it's all a part of the grieving process, but very painful. You post here as often as you want, this is your Circle too, and you'll only find love, compassion, understanding and support here, as well as prayers - all of us here know the pain of losing a precious child, and we all support each other on our Journey's. You always have a 'home' here, and always with open arms.
Much love & Angel Hugs,
Sandy

Hello TKH63, and a big, warm welcome to this Circle, I'm only sorry for the reason you're posting here. You must miss your Kevin so much, losing a child is the worst pain that a Parent will ever experience, and it's only been 17 months for you. Gosh, I know sweetie, if only those around us knew that everyday is a mountain for us in the beginning, that it still hurt's badly, regardless what day it is, but unfortunately they can't. They mean well, they say things to us to try and comfort us, and sometimes their words hurt us more, or they turn away when we mention our child's name, or change the subject on us, they don't realize that we need to hear it, we need to know our child is remembered, to be fair to them though, how could they possibly understand - they fortunately have not gone or are going through this. I think we've all experienced the pain of well-meaning family and friends, and it just adds to our already existing pain.
So many Moms on these pages have lost thier child to a car accident, I don't know what the answer is, perhaps the age limit should be raised, maybe 16 is just too young. Perhaps when you yourself are in a better place, your Mission could be to make this an awareness for other's, just a thought, for now just be gentle with yourself, grieving is very hard physically and emotionally. I know it still doesn't seem real to you, and that's OK, it's where you are on your own Journey, when the time is ready for you, and only you will know this, it will feel real, but I can't stress enough to give yourself lots of time. Please post back again, this is your Circle too, and together we can support each other.
Love, Prayers, and Angel Hugs,
Sandy

Hi everybody,
I just have a few questions and want to know if I am going nuts or if this is normal.
When I saw my little girl in the casket I wanted to go inside with her and be buried with her. I imagined how I would lay her with her in my arms and they would close the top. I felt so peaceful with that thought. When they put the casket into the grave I really went crazy, I almost jumped up got the casket and took it home with me. And now, although I know she's with God, I imagine how she feels in the grave, since it's so cold outside. I know it's just her little body in there but all kind of weird thoughts are coming through my mind. I want to dig up the grave and take her out and take her home with me.
When she was born and my husband told me she didn't make it, I was performing heart massage on her to bring her back to life, she was only 12" (30cm) but she looked so perfect. I was stunned that she wasn't alive and couldn't believe that she wasn't. When I went back home, about two days later I started leaking milk, and I was thinking "God why did you let this happen to me?"
My husband is a great support for me, we cried together a lot and we got phone calls from all over the world people telling us how sorry they were. Even his father with whom he didn't speak to for years called shortly after that. And my husband finally found his way back to God after this. A lot of good things came out of her death but it's still so hard to deal with it.
Now sometimes I feel that I don't want to have kids. First I have an incompetent cervix and if I get pregnant and they don't stitch me it will happen again, it might also happen again even if I do get the stitch and second I feel guilty that I want to have a kid. I don't know if she (my girl Sarah) will get upset with me that I 'replace' her just like that. I am sorry for throwing everthing at you at once but my thoughts are going wild.
God bless you all.

Hi SarahMyAngel, first of all you don't ever have to apologize for letting your feelings out, that's what this Cicle, your Circle is for!
No, you're not going crazy, everything you're experiencing is very normal after suffering the worst loss in the world to a Parent, especially a Mom. Seeing your tiny, perfect little Sarah laying in her Casket would be such a shock, trauma, and so very painful. Your first instinct would be to want to protect her, hold her, and in your shock and disbelief, you probably thought this can't be real, it can't be happening. Your great pain and disbelief over it all is so very normal, I don't think there's very many Mom's who didn't go through this, and want to be with their child. The thoughts of leaving them all alone in a cold grave are sometimes too much to bear, and we want to be with them, God in His wisdom has given us a very strong maternal instinct to protect our children, especially when they are so young and helpless. Many Mom's, myself included, did not want to go on living after our child died, we desperately wanted to be with them, I remember praying every night asking God to take me 'home' too, because the pain was so great being separated from our Shane. Thankfully now, He didn't listen to me, :-) But I truly felt that way during the first year and other Mom's have shared the same feelings. So your thoughts are VERY normal, even though you know she's not in that grave, your heart and pain are telling you otherwise. It will pass, in time, it hasn't been very long since you and your husband lost your precious little Sarah. So many of us ask "Why, God", (see Beachmom's post on previous page) it had to be very painful to be leaking milk, milk that was meant for Sarah, and you didn't have her to give it to. So no, my sister, you are not going crazy, all these feelings you're experiencing, as I said, are very normal when we are grieving the loss of one of our precious children. I'm so very happy for you that your husband has and is such a good support, a lot of Mom's don't have that, so it's terrific that you and he can share in the pain. And you also had support from so many other people, around the World, that makes a big difference too. (tbc)

~Part 2~
It's wonderful, isn't it, how good comes out of a tragedy, your father-in-law is once again reconciled with your husband, it has brought him closer to God, so many good, supportive family, friends around you, although I know it doesn't make up for your loss. Oh gosh, sweetie, naturally you're hesitant about becoming pregnant again, and aren't certain about having other children, right now the pain over Sarah is still there, and you think that it could happen again, and how could you ever go through that pain all over again? Give yourself lots of time, you will know in your heart when and if you want to have other children. Given your medical condition, perhaps it's better to have your cervix stitched before you contemplate having more children, further down the road? Just a guess on my part, you do what you feel is right! Oh no my sister, you are not 'replacing' Sarah, and she knows that, she will forever be your first born, and hold a special place in your heart, Sarah would never be upset over you having other children, they would be special in their own way, just as Sarah is to you. As I said, I think you need more time to grieve for Sarah, and pray for guidance, your heart will tell you when the time is ready again. We all experience these crazy, wild thoughts, and we question our sanity, but trust me, what you're feeling right now IS very normal, it's all a part of the grieving process. I pray this has been some help to you, and I hope other Mom's will post also to help you, this is your Circle, so please post whenever you want to, and let us know how your Candle Lighting went on Sunday, salaam my sister,
Love, Prayers, & Angel Hugs,
Sandy

Dear Lord Above:
Please bless these grieving parents as they go day to day without their dear children with them. Please comfort their hearts and minds and help them cope with the greatest loss in the world: Only YOU know their loss Father and how their hearts grieve.
Please help them go on each day, moment by moment and please give Sandy extra strength for the wonderful task she is performing. I ask this in your dear son's name, Amem.
Love to all of you, from Valour xoxoxo

Dear Sandy, Thank you so much for your reply. Thank you for caring and sharing. I pray that God will continue to bless you and give you strength and wisdom and to keep you in his care. Your words have given me strength and support...once again with tears of grief in my eyes, I thank you for being here.
Love and Blessings
Marci

Tonight I post with tears in my eyes. God help me I don't know what to say.Tonight is not good.I can't sleep.I just want to scream.
This will be our second Christmas without Matthew. I just love him and miss him so much. My life is nothing without him. I have tried so hard to fight these feelings. I just don't know anything anymore.The song, the one of the angelmoms posted.The celine dion one...I cried when I seen that posted....That was one of the songs we played at Matthew's funeral. It is a beautiful song. I can never hear it again without thinking of the exact moment it was played for my Matthew. How I just want to die....I think of how God has been directing me this far and what he has done for me. How he made a way for me to celebrate Matthew's birthday in a more special way this year. My stepson, Noah and his wife ,Erin,had their first child born on my Matthew's birthday. His name is Noah Tyler. born Novemeber 17th. My husband Ron had a feeling that something special was going to happen that day. It being 17 months since our son Matthew was called to Heaven, Matthew would of been 17 on that day. How thankful I am to Jesus. for that special blessing. I sometimes stand in aw . Because He is so good to me..It does'nt take away the deep anguished pain that fills my heart. I can only take one day at a time. Some days are good..And some are such deep valley days that I feel like I'm going to die. But I continue to press on...ONLY because of the love I have for my family and for the life God has given me. I pray each day that God will use me in a mighty way. Only He knows what is planned for me..Just like he had a plan for my Matthew.
All new angelmoms....God love you.and keep you in his warm embrace. Give Him your tired weary soul . He knows our pain. This site has helped me in so many ways..Days when I did'nt think I could go on..I come to this site to be uplifed...To know that things that I think are not insane. I love you....We love you...God loves you....
In His Care I Press On.....Eva

Hi valour, and thanks so much for your prayers for all, we all need them and appreciate them so much, we always love it when someone who hasn't experienced this type of loss comes here and posts prayers for us all, and may God, in His love, bless you in whatever way He know's you need,
Love & Angel Hugs,
Sandy

Hi AngelMom Marci, I'm so happy you posted again - never forget that this is your Circle too, by sharing your own painful story you're helping other newly-bereaved Moms to realize they're not alone in their grief and feelings, and that's important! I do care, Marci, we all care here, those of us a little farther along on our Journey have been given the privilege to reach back with a helping hand and try to help those who are just beginning their Journey, we remember all too well the all-consuming pain in the beginning. We still have our 'valley-days' as we call them, when painful memories re-surface for us, as much as you're not going to believe me right now - I wouldn't have believed it either at the beginning, - it will eventually get better, and you will learn how to live with your pain, but in your own time, and right now you need a lot of it. Cry Marci and let it out, we all know how painful it is for you right now and we honour you in your grief. I pray the same thing for you dear Marci, and for peace in your heart, even if it's only for a moment or two right now. You post your feelings here anytime, and I hope the other AngelMom's will post to you too, not sure where some of them are at the moment?? but they will have their own wisdom and words to help you too! Don't forget the World Wide Candle Lighting Ceremony tomorrow night at 7pm your time zone, for all children who have gone before us, organized by Compassionate Friends, it'll be a very significant way to honour your own Sean-Michael and other children around the World,
Prayers, Love & Teddy Hugs,
Sandy

Hi dear Eva, missed you around here, so very sorry to read that you're experiencing such painful valley days, so many Moms are, with the approaching Christmas season and are also experiencing their 2nd Christmas without their beloved child - a very difficult one because the shock and disbelief by now have worn off, making it all the more painful for you, God love you. You WILL make it through it, dear Eva, you've come this far leaning heavily on your faith, and trust in God, and He will give you the necessary strength to get through this painful Holiday season! I know, what a beautiful song SarahMyAngel posted for all, I cried when I read it too, and it has such a special significance for you, played at your precious Matthew's funeral. It's a song that will always have a special place in your heart for you. Mine is "In the Arms of the Angels" by Sarah MacLachlan, it has a very special meaning to me, and a place in my heart.
Ah, that's very special, Eva, that little Noah was born on the 17th, 17 months since Matthew passed away, AND on his birthday! Yes, you can surely see the Hand of God there, making it all the more special for you and Ron! How good He is to us! No, of course it wouldn't take your pain away, but keep doing what you are, taking it one breath at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time, and God will use you, you've opened your heart to Him, look at the wonderful Music Ministry that you and Ron have, touching others. Keep pressing on dear AngelMom Eva, and our love, prayers, and support are always with you,
Love & Angel Hugs,
Sandy

Dear Selva, Verna, Deb, Lisa, where are you - haven't seen a Post from any of you in a bit, there are a lot of new Moms who could benefit greatly from your own big hearts and wisdom, I pray that you're all OK and look forward to seeing you Posting!
Much love & Bear Hugs,
Sandy

~~~To All AngelMoms~~~~

Just a wee reminder of tomorrow's World Wide Candle Lighting at 7pm your time zone, all those lights reaching up to Heaven, for our own Angels and all others, around the Globe!
Lots of love & Angel Hugs,
Sandy

Dear Marci, ~ Welcome to our circle of love. I am so sorry read of the tragic loss of your beloved son, Sean. Losing a child is a mother's worst nightmare. The pain you feel in your heart seems too much to bear. I know, because I lost my 36 year old daughter, Diane, tragically and without warning on Aug. 31, 1996. She was killed in a tragic chain reaction wreck which was caused by drunk driving. When I first heard the news, I wanted to die. At least, I thought I did. Through counseling, and reading that others, had to say, I finally began to realize that I was not alone in my sorrow, and that it wasn't that I didn't want to live ... I just wanted the indescribable pain to stop. I had never known or felt pain at that magnitude! The day did come, however, when my shattered heart slowly began to heal. It was a long, slow and painful process, but the day did arrive when I discovered that I did want to live again. The things that helped me the most was my restored faith in a loving God, and the support of other angel moms, here in this circle of love, who had also lost a child. Angel moms like Sandy, and Cindy, for example, whose angels share the same monthly anniversary date: March 15th. I still can't recall how I found this wonderful prayer circle, but I can tell you that it literally saved my life. I can also tell you that I know now, that God had a hand in me finding this circle of love at a time when I needed it the most. In the beginning, I spent a great deal of time simply reading posts beginning on page 1. This was before I actually joined. Posts like the one submitted by Mistywine, who wrote:

I had a daughter die at the age of 18. It is going on the 6th anniversary of her death. It has been a hard six years;but we have fumbled through the fog. To all who have lost a child recently my prayers are with you because it is the worse pain anyone can ever feel. But remember the fog does lift ----slowly and you will resume your life again even though it will never be the same again. Peace and forgiveness be with all of you. Mistywine

Posts like the above, help me to start believing that if other moms had come through the fog, then maybe I could, with their help, learn how to go on ... Even though things would never, ever be the same. It is my heartfelt prayer that you will allow those of us who have been on our grief journey a bit longer, to walk with you thorough this heart shattering storm.
May God bless and keep you and family in His loving arms ... Giving you moments of peace for which we all pray.
Love & Angel Hugs,
Verna

Hello Dear Sandy, ~ God bless you for holding the doors of this great circle open! I am so sorry I could not get a post in sooner. I am beginning to feel better but still have lots of swelling in my ankels. I am still having to peck type, it takes a little extra time. I have done my reading and will be submitting the posts I started working on early yesterday. Gotta go check on Auntie, and catch up on all thats going on with both sisters who live on the west coast.
Love & Angel Hugs,
Verna

Hi my sister Eva. I know what you are going through, our dear sweet smile angel and my dear happy angel are here with us , but guess what, even if we can not see them they are so close to us, when we cry they fell sad, but the understand that we have to cry, we do not have the understanding that they already have, so it is Ok to cry, and to be angry, and guess what? HATE CRHIRSTMAS, I do, Oh I am sure they understand, , this is such a hard time of the year, just like anniversaries, Mother's day, and all Human greated days, we don't need these days to be remembered of our pain and our children, this is a 24/7 thing, but like Sandy, Verna and all our sisters who has been in this journey longer that we, the time will come that we will be still sad but we will find peace. Yes my sister, we all want to die, but we can not, not until God decides it is our turn and the :THE REUNION" Oh what a special time, and we will all experience, but in God's time. Right now all we can do its to trust that He will give us the strenght, remember He put us through it and He will pulls us throught it. Keep pressing on my dear sister, I promised I will do the same, let us hang in there and remember to count your blessings, I will never be a grandmother, so count your blessings my sister and please keep on posting. We all love you Eva, we are your sisters. Love you Selva

Hi Marcy, again welcome to our Circle of Love. Yes we understand the pain, you can come here everyday and you will find understanding, love and prayer, just let it out my friend, that is what we are here for, we wil listen, cry with you and keep you in our prayers, I lost my only daughter Solange, 20 uears old, in a car accident, she felt sleep, no alcohol and no drugs, she just lived to dance and music, but now I have no one, so please keep on coming back, this Circle of Prayer have kept me alive, I thank God that took me here. Love Selva

Hi TKH^#, WElcome to our Circle of Love, I am so sorry about your Kevin, yes only 16 years old, I lost my only daughter Solange 20 years old Aug 15 2002, so we are all new at this, This is such a complicated pain, that only us, who are feeling the same lost are able to understand, please feel free to come to this Circle of Love, you will find such an understanding, love and prayers that only all of us who has suffered this unique pain, can deliver . Love Selva

This is posted somewhere? on the back pages here, I'm re-posting it for the benefit of all our new Angel Moms,

Lots of love & {{Hugs}} to you,
Sandy

A Love Song

The mention of my child's name
May bring tears to my eyes
But it never fails to bring
Music to my ears.
If you are really my friend,
Please don't keep me
From hearing the beautiful music.
It soothes my broken heart
And fills my soul with love.
Anonymous

Dear Bereaved Parent!
May God be with you all during this difficult time and "season" when you don't want to do any holiday stuff. All you want is your child back.
Keeping you in my prayers!!!!
Love Valour xo

I found this on-line today and thought it well worth sharing. I have no idea who the author is, but I thank them for it all the same

I Felt An Angel Near Today,
Though One I Couldn't See.
I Felt An Angel, Oh-So-Close,
Sent To Comfort Me.

I Felt An Angel's Gentle Kiss,
Soft Upon My Cheek.
And Oh, Without A Single Word,
Of Caring It Did Speak.

I Felt An Angel's Loving Touch,
Soft Upon My Heart.
And With That Touch, I Felt The Pain,
And Hurt Within Depart.

I Felt An Angel's Tepid Tears,
Fall Softly Next To Mine.
And Knew That As Those Tears Did Dry,
A New Day Would Be Mine.

I Felt An Angel's Silken Wings,
Enfold Me With Pure Love.
And Felt A Strength Within Me Grow,
A Strength Sent From Above.

I Felt An Angel, Oh-So-Close,
Though One I Couldn't See,
I Felt An Angel Near Today,
Sent To Comfort Me.

Love, Peace & Hugs,
Sandy

Hi Valour, Thank you so much for your posting, May God Bless You , your prayers are always needed it. Thank you so much for your so needed prayers. Love Selva

Hi my dear sister Sandy, well I said good bye to my home today, Solange's home, I closed the door and I wept, yes I know she has a beautiful room in our God's Mansion, but my little home was over today. Ay my sisters, I had to let go once again, it is not easy. Love you my sisters. Selva

Hello my dear sister Selva, it must have been so hard to look around your home, every room, all those wonderful memories of happy times spent in that home, and then have to walk out and close the door. I know it's far too soon, my sister, to let go of your and Solange's home, but you had to, and that's why it's so painful. No, never easy to let go of a part of our past, especially your home, it will always be in your heart, it will always be a part of your heart. God be with you my sister, and let your pain out.
Do you have your Candle lit......
Lots of love & Tender Teddy Hugs,
Sandy