Prayer Circles

AY my dear sisters, today I surrended, just like Donna said, I will completely surrended, I think like I often read, that we choses our life beforme wecome here, but damm, I chosed a heck of a life, I am asking God today to give ne a little break, if you know what I mean I am taking just a little bit more that I asked. Please my sisters, say a little prayer for me. Love you all. Selva

Ah, Selva, my dear sister, your post is music to my heart, and if it's music to MY heart, just think how Our Heavenly Father must feel, with you surrendering to Him!! In our darkest moments, when the pain is great and things are out of our control, HE is still there, patiently waiting for us with His great love, to take on our burden, for as He says "Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest, for my yoke is easy and my burden light...."
We can fully put our trust in Our Lord, surrendering our life to Him, that's what He wants, and oh how wonderful to have a heavy burden lifted! Sometimes this is also called "Going to the Cross"
with our problems and pain, for He has already paid the price for us with His death and resurrection, and given us the gift of ETERNAL life! Yes, my sister, I believe too that we know before we are born and still in Heaven, what our life is going to be like, although we ALWAYS have free choice, but some lessons we need to learn here, in this school of life, and some ARE very difficult and painful ones.
My prayers are with you dear sister, and always will be! Love you,
Lots of Hugs too,
Sandy

Our dear Miss V, LOVE your prayer, it's sooo moving!! Thanks for sharing it with all,
Much love & Bear Hugs,
Sandy

Our dear newly bereaved Angel Moms, I don't want to give you the false impression that by immediately surrendering to God, that your pain is instantly going to disappear, if only it were that easy, you're still going to experience the great pain over the loss of your child, but as you slowly move along, and as Verna said, that means at YOUR pace, keep praying to Our Lord, even though you may be angry at Him for your loss, (that's quite normal) He understands and loves you through it, you can lay your head in His lap, and tell Him how painful it is, and He will comfort you, and He will use us and other's to help you along your own Journey of Grief. God bless you all, my love to you,
Hugs too,
Sandy

Good Morning Angel Moms,
I woke up this morning feeling blue again, can't figure out just what it is. It occurred to me on my drive to work that this was "MY" child that died not someone elses. Sometimes I feel like I am watching someone else go through this and not me. Does that make sense to any of you? For the first time I am asking God why? What did I do? What did Aaron do? We are not bad people, we always tried to do the right things. I don't understand. Yesterday on my drive home I was listening to this song on the radio and I just wanted to burst into tears because I realized God let his son die and suffer for us. I thought, God knows how I feel because he watched his son be tortured and die. Then I thought why? Why would God do that? To his own son? It had to have been unbearable. I am so confused once again about everything. What to do with my life, my thoughts are crazy, I am trying so hard to do all the right things but I don't know what they are. My whole life feels out of control. Selva, I too have surrendered to God, but then it seems like some days I take it back. I just want this pain to go away and I want my son back. Is that selfish? I can't imagine this feeling is ever going to go away. It is not like I am waiting to see him next week or next month anymore, I am starting to realize that I am NEVER going to see, hear, touch him again. I can't live like this, I would much rather die. When I think about the future, I don't see one. All I see is the pain never going away. I told Randy that I was always going to be like this and now was a good time for him to get out. It's not fair to him that I can't be the person that I used to be, and I don't see that anything is going to change. I am starting to get so angry, this is a feeling that I don't like and I don't know how to express it. People tell me to just scream and let it out but I can't. I feel so much shame and guilt it's unbearable. If you angel moms have any good advice, I am more than willing to listen. Please God, grant me the "serenity" to accept the things I cannot change! Please please.
Lisa

My dear sister Lisa, I am not probably the one who can help you on this, but I will try my best, we are only one month apart, everything that you are feeling ITS OK, we are going through the biggest pain there is, nothing would compare to this, its Ok to be angry, to ask God why, there is nothing we did to deserve this, it just was written, we have to go through this pain, WHY? I don't know, I read somewhere that before we come to this life (earth) we choose our life, why? I don't know there are lessons to be learn, to get us into Heaven, I don't know, but why feel shame and guilt?, it was not your fault, it was not Aaron's fault, see, there is no fault, he chose his life too, Solange was a very good person, typical teenager but nothing more than that, she loved dancing, but never into drugs, (I believe) never saw any indications of that, she just felt sleep at the wheel, at the very beginning I had a dream about her, where she told me Mom I had to go out that night, that same night I told her please don't go out, she said yes mom I am going out, I said (my last words to her instead of saying I love with all my heart) there is a limit to everything. I live with that guilt, why did I told her that? I don't know, I should have said I love you my daughter, those will be the last words she heard from me, but I know that where she is right now, she understands, and she knows I love her with all my heart, and so does Aaron, they have an understanding now, greater than the one we have, so don't feel guilty, you did your best, Aaron did his best, so did Solange and all of our Angel kids, and guess what, GOD understand our pain and our anger and our WHYS, so let it all out, you have to feel your pain. I don't have a husband, my ex husband, Solange's father died 2 years ago, but I do have a sister and a brother who are putting up with me, and I also feel guilty about it, but do you know what, I am very sorry, so far so good with them, but I tell them the second year its worse that the first, I am beggining to realize that, and if they can not put up with me, then I will move out of my sister's house, of course they don't want me to do that, but if the times comes I will do it, my pain I can not help, I don't know how to advise you about Randy, maybe the other Angel moms can do that. But my dear sister, you have every right to scream, cry, fell guilty, ask why, and everything else, See we are going through THE PAIN, nothing else can be consider pain as far as this, so let your feelings out, and no, you are not going crazy, you after all, are a human being trying to cope with THIS. I love you my sister, and I understand, we all do. Selva

My dear sisters. I have to tell you how , like Evelyn puts it "we beat the system". Remember I told you that I placed an add in their local paper? The add read, Evelyn or Don please call Selva and my cell number, well they were away for that weekend (labor day), Evelyn had a knee surgery and she told me she was under a lot of pain etc, so I wrote, please Evelyn try to get somebody to help you in the house, try the personal service section of your local newspaper there are some home care helpers there that can help. Remember all our e mails went through the agency, so we could not e mail any identifying information, at the first she did not get the tip, then when they came back I have wrote them another e mail, Evelyn please get somebody to help you etc etc, I have given up yesterday, I told you about my friend co worker who died monday, so I was having a really rough day, where I work (for the last 21 years) everybody has worked there for the similar time, so it is like a family, they all know about you Angel Moms, they also know about my strugling getting to find out about this people and now Jose passed away so we were crying all day monday and tuesday and also today, so yesterday I was feeling so deep valley that I decided to wirte to Evelyn and Don( the only Solange's recipient who wrote to me to say Thank You Solange) so I told them again (this was the only thing I could say that was not identifying information) try to get the newspapers for Labor day weekend and you will find the lady to take care of you, well they finnally got the hint, so they went to the newspaper's office and search in the library, but they were searching for last weekend's adds, when they finnaly were giving up, one of the ladies in the library (maybe an angel) asked them what they were looking for, they explained, and she said, easy, just put the name in the computer and if she ever contacted us, her e mail will be there, SO AT LAST, they did it and that is how they got my e mail, as soon as I read it and knew their last names I got their phone number through the white pages internet, and I did talk to Don, what a relief my sisters, he said what I always wanted to hear, Thanks to Solange I am able to talk to you today, otherwise I will be dead by now, your daughter saved my life, for the first time in my life, I have good quality life, he was on dyalisis every day, his kidneys were not responding and he only had a few months to live, when they called him to tell him they had a perfect match, he saw The Light, they really almost messed up because they said we will be calling you tomorrow, just don't get into dyalisis, and they never called, when he got tired of waiting for them , he called and they said you are supposed to be here already, so after all, his mother drove him to Miami, its about 3 hours drive from Miami, when they got here, Jackson memorial Hospital its a huge place with many places, so they got lost, they could not find anybody who spoke english (only in Miami) the doors were closed, anyway they called from the cell and also another one answered no english, until she got someone on the phone who directed them to the right place, he said he was loosing hope by that time, but I said Don it was meant to happen, he sounds like a wonderful human being, and I know Solange wanted to help him, so that is the story, he has been sick since he was 12, he is now 50 and living a good quality life because of my daughter, he said the first thing he did after they told him he was Ok, was to eat M&Ms he have forgotten what it tastes like it. Imagine going from dyalisis every day to have a normal life, I am so proud of my daughter, she helped so many people. I love you my sisters. Selva

Hi my sisters. its me again, I feel good, the first time in a long time, when I finished posting to you, Juny came over, she was having a bad day, you know she is feeling the pain also, she lost her sister Solange, she feels bad coming over because she feels she will make me feel worse, but we had a good talk, she went home now feeling better, we talked about Solange, I told her that she is here with us, listening to our conversation and laughing at us, telling us come on guys get over with, and so on, we shared memories and laughs, with Solange it was always laugh, Juny is feeling guilty about leaving Solange alone that night and I re assured her it was her time to exit, and no matter what i or she will have done, it was her chosen time. But she is still there for us, she is still my daughter and she is still her sister, you know while I was talking to Juny I really felt that Solange was here with us. What a day, small miracles and great answers. Love you all. Selva
PS Donna please keep us posted.

Hi dear Lisa,
Sweetie, why wouldn't you wake up feeling blue this morning? It's perfectly OK to! Some days may not be as bad, but when the painful one's hit full-force, you just have to accept them, knowing that it's OK to feel that way. Yes, sometimes it seems so surreal, as though we're having an 'out of body experience' and watching things from an 'outsider's' view. And then wham, it hits us, it is OUR CHILD, it is happening to US, not someone else, and WHY. Lisa, good people die everyday, death isn't a 'punishment', you're the best person you know how to be, Aaron was the best person he knew how to be, Shane was the best person he knew how to be, so I know how unfair it all seems to you right now, BUT don't dwell on guilt, it serves no purpose when it comes to grieving, none of us are going through this because we did something terribly wrong, you should try reading the book "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" by Rabbi Harold Kuschner, he helps to make total sense out of this during the loss of his own son. Yes, God "so loved the world, that He gave up His only Son...." to one of the most barbaric and tortuous deaths imaginable. That's how great His love for us is!! Why that way? We can't presume to 'know' the Mind of God, His ways are not our ways, BUT our children now know why, and can get the greatest 'Bear Hugs' from Jesus, and one day too, WE will understand all. We just have to trust and keep the faith, surrendering to God with the complete knowledge that we can't go it alone, and surrendering completely to God is something to work on, it doesn't come easy, there's always some part of us that doesn't want to give up our power, so don't feel badly about it, God knows how confused and upset, in pain, you are right now, so give it time, it is not selfish right now to want Aaron back, good gosh, you're just coming up to his 1st year Anniversary!! Do you think maybe you're trying to rush through things too fast? Why do you feel such shame? Nobody here is judging you, do you think perhaps you're judging yourself too harshly? And yes, you are a changed person, the 'old' Lisa is now gone, and the 'new' Lisa has to learn how to go on, keep walking forward, and very often those closest to us just don't understand how our lives have been split in two, and how we are now a changed person. It's difficult for them, but they DO have to accept that we are no longer the person we once were. And go ahead and feel angry, let it out, Selva has a punching bag, maybe try that!! I promise you sweetie, that it IS going to get better, you just need a lot of time to sort out all your different emotions you're feeling right now, you know we're all with you and you can talk freely here about how you're feeling, we'll pray and love you through it like the sisters we are, and never forget that!!
Many prayers and lots of love,
Sandy

WOW my sister, what a day indeed, Praise God for His love and answered prayers, you know how happy I am for you, and what a comfort and joy you and Juny are to each other! Yes, I have no doubt that Solange was there with you both!! What a joyous day for you, Miracles big and small, but miracles to bless you and all others involved today!! They couldn't happen to a more deserving person, after all the pain you've endured, thank You dear Lord, for looking after our dear sister Selva!
Lots of love & Big Hugs,
Sandy

Sandy You are an Angel. Love you Selva

Dear God in heaven:

~ Thank You for answering our heartfelt prayers for our dear sister, Selva. Lord she needed this miracle so badly!:) Father, we have prayed so hard and so long that You would please send our sister a sign and blessings in Your own way and in Your own time. And Lord, did You ever! Thank You Father. God, we know from the reading of Your Holy Word, that ... Your ways are not our ways ... Also, ... What makes sense to us is foolishness to God. This, I know is true because I can recall so many times when I thought I or my child must have done something to deserve our fate. So often I asked "Why!" And where was God when this happened! And, sometimes, even now, Lord ... The evil one still enters my spirit and tries to rob me of my faith in You, just as he did your servant Job, his wife, and the friends who came to console him, in days of old. It took me a long time to work through the anger, and renew my faith in You, God. Thank You for loving me in spite of my faults, and for revealing to me and the other angel moms that; when we are in valley days, we must learn to walk by faith and not by sight, because according to Your Holy word: They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount on wings like eagles. They shall run and not grow weary. They shall walk and not be faint.
~Isaiah 40:31

Thank You, again dear Lord, for lifting our sister's spirit, and sending her such a wonderful miracle by design! To God be the glory! In Jesus' name, I pray, Amen

!!!

AY my sister Verna you are also an Angel, I thank God 24/7 for bringing me to this Circle of Love. Truly, if it wasn't for you my sisters, I will be taking my life away and probably in Hell or whatever, but God sent me here to meet all you wonderful Angels. And I thank you Lord. Love Selva

Hello dear Lisa, ~ I am so uplifted I can hardly stand it. God is so good to us angel moms, and He does answer our prayers! :) Just as I submitted my prayer post above, and was getting ready to start my post to you, I saw Sandy's post to you. I gotta tell Ya, I ain't gonna mess with that! Her every word to you is right on the dollar! :) I can only add that where you are in your grief process; If you were not angry and confused and feeling like giving up, I would wonder what was wrong with you!!! My dear Lisa, you are doing and feeling exactly what you are supposed to do and feel at this stage of grieving. Dear one, I have often said in my post here, in days gone by, and also in my manuscript, that, I was so angry with God in the beginning stages until it's a miracle that He didn't zap me right off the face of the earth! Not a religious way of admitting just how wrong I was about thinking God was somehow punishing me or my precious child by allowing her to die. Not only to die, but in such a tragic manner! If anyone would have suggested that I would someday be able to "joke" about how wrong I had been about what I felt about God, I would have thought they were out of their ever loving minds!

In other words, I was convinced that God didn't care anything about me or my child! Those thoughts, needless to say, did not come from God! This how the evil continues to hurt us by bombarding our hearts and minds with such foolishness! Only, to us, at the time we are already experiencing indescribable grief unlike any we have ever known, those kind of thoughts are so easy to believe! How do I know this? Trust me, I HAVE BEEN THERE!!!! I came very close to turning my back on God! I reached a stage where I could not pray or attend church anymore! Once, while at church, shortly after the funeral, someone started singing a solo, called, "Somewhere around God's Throne." Well, I don't know if you have ever heard it, but trust me, it was not a song I needed to hear that day! Ha-ha! I got up, quietly walked out the doors of the church, got almost to my car, looked back, and half the church had followed me. I managed to get in the car and get it started, but by this time my niece had run out in front of the car waving her hand to stop me from trying to drive! I mean I lost it completely! I literally almost ran her down! Fortunately, the doors of my car locked automatically, so they couldn't get in, and I know it was God who put the gear in park. I had hold of the steering wheel with both hands, my foot was glued to the break (Thank God) and I literally felt as though I would never stop screaming! Now, why tell you all of this? Well, all of this happened during the very early stages of my grieving, but because I was still going back and forth, in and out of shock, I guess you would say, I had no idea that I had that much grief still left unexpressed. I thought I was doing so well. :) That's just how tricky grief can be! This is not to say that something of this nature might ever happen to you or any other angel mom, for that matter. I am telling you and also the other newly bereaved moms that there may come a time or many times when something or someone may bring it all back and the reality of facing it head on is not always easy. As we often say, it comes at you out of left field. So, I join Sandy and Selva in telling you to let go of the pain whenever and however you can, but try to do it in a safe environment. It is better to come here, where you know you are loved and will not be judged in any way, no matter what. Come here and get it out of your system a little at a time, if possible, before it builds up! The day will come, when you will laugh again and feel a measure of joy! But, there is no way that you can believe that or even desire that this early in your grieving. Still, it will happen, a little at a time

I also agree with Sandy about Rabbi Kushner's book. My aunt had a copy and allowed me to keep it for well over a year, and I read it over and over again. Then recently, Cheryl got a copy of it on tape from the library so that I could listen to it in the car. I really enjoyed that. He really puts the reader's mind at ease when it comes to coping with the death of a loved one; especially a beloved child. Just try to remember to take it one minute, one hour, and eventually, one day at a time. And, always know that we are here for you, praying 24/7, asking God to do what we cannot do... That is, Give you fond memories, and those precious moments of peace for which we all pray. In my opinion, there is nothing more powerful than prayer when it comes to healing our broken hearts! For, it is the prayers that we pray that teaches us to surrender our lives and our loved ones to God! It warms the heart to know that our children are in the arms of our Lord and Savior, and that someday, when our work on earth is finished, they will welcome us home! To God be the glory!
Love, and AngelHugs,
Verna

Ay my dear sisters, do I have a story to share with you all!. I talked to Evelyn (Don's mother) this morning, she could not talked to me yesterday so she called me this morning and she gave me more details of how they found my e mail, it goes like this. I told her I was going to publish an obituary on Aug 15 for Solange, they let that e mail go through because I did not mentioned the name of the newspaper etc, but they knew I live in Miami, so they went and bought the Miami Herald and saw Solange's picture and of course they wrote down the last name, they started to look me up in the phone books my my telephone is not listed, so mo luck with that, they were away on labor day weekend when I published my post asking them to call me at their local newspaper, in the meantime she was trying to send me an e mail (through the organ Donors Agcy) and they kept sending it back to her because it had identifying information etc, in the meantime they were concentrating only into my last name and did not paid close attention to the hints I was giving them about reading the personal adds in their paper, so monday I decided to send another e mail in which I very much enphasise(?) to read the "labor day weekend newspaper", they finally got the message but they were so excited that she forgot the part Labor Day, so they ran to the Library to look up the "weekend newspapers", shen they went into the library she noticed this man in there, that looked just like a bum, raggs, stinky, only one eye. and she thoughed to herself what in the world a man like that will be doing in the library?, but they went on their business to read all the weekend papers, they read every little bit of information and they could not find anything like my name or a message etc (of course they were reading the wrong weekend)when they finished, heartbroken, they went to the girl in the desk to return the newspaper, and the raggedy man aproached them, and he said. what are you looking for?, any other time maybe Don will not even answer but he went on and told the story to this man, so he turned around and said to the girl behind the desk, go ahead , put her name into the computer, after she did that, Evelyn said they noticed her face changed, so Don asked her , did you find anything, the girl said, yes, her e mail address. They were so exited that she told me, you know Selva, Don is a big man and he is all man, and I saw tears running down his eyes, they Thank the man, they gave them some money and they left with my information. It's that a story or what? My reaction? I said. Evelyn that man was an Angel. Well what is your reaction, I told my pshyco today and she agrees with me. I truly believe that man was an Angel. Love you my sisters. Selva

Hi my sisters, its me again, I have a little request from all of you, I know how powered your prayers are, so I am please requesting a liitle help, see, we have this HUGE hurricane that is apparently coming our way maybe by next week (of course when I am planning to go to Omega), but this one is really big, it is supposed to be bigger than Andrew, and I am still trying to forget Andrew, so please storm Heaven so that Isabelle decides to go north and don't hit anybody, but if it does, then pray for us. Thank you my sisters. Love you Selva

Oh my sister, what a beautiful story of how you and they finally made the connection!! There's no doubt in my mind that God was working all along with you both to make sure that you met!
It must have been so wonderful to finally talk with Evelyn too. The man in the Library? Oh yes, without a DOUBT he was a Messenger of God, an Angel sent by Him to finally bring it all together!! When Angels are sent to earth to help us, they don't always wear white robes with wings, so that's why it's important to treat everyone, regardless of how they look on the outside, as the child of God they are - if Don had ignored this 'man' who was shabbily dressed, he would have been ignoring the Angel God sent to help all of you!!! Alleluia, for Angels on High, who lovingly do God's bidding for Him!! AMAZING.
Lots of love & ANGEL Hugs,
Sandy
^*^

Our dear Miss V, LOVE reading your posts, by sharing yourself, what you painfully went through, you offer wise advice and hope to all newly bereaved moms. May God continue to bless you with all the JOY you can stand, :)
Much love & Angel Hugs,
Sandy

My dear sister, I heard something about Hurricane Isabel, but I wasn't aware it's supposed to hit Miami, our utmost prayers are that it turns out to sea, and harms no one! You know I'm RC, so I'm going to ask St. Benedict, the Patron Saint that prays for bad weather to be stopped, to go to the Throne of God and plead for His protection against this Hurricane. Our Lord's safety with you all,
Love & Hugs,
Sandy

Thanks my sister Sandy for your prayers, yes this is a big one, I pray to God that it will not hit us or anybody, you have no idea what a hurricane is, it gets very ugly, so Thanks my sister we need all the prayer we can get. Love you Selva

No, my sister, I've never experienced a Hurricane, so I have no idea what it's like to live through one, God love you it must be awful and scary, and my prayers are with all that it doesn't hit land!

Heard from our dear Donna, she says to give everyone her love and prayers, but I think she could use some prayers herself, she's very sick with some sort of flu that's making the rounds where she lives, her hubby had it also, but is better now, but Donna is allergic to Penicillin, so the Dr. won't prescribe anything for her, and of course it's taking her longer to get better. She asked how everyone was, and I told her about you our sister, surrendering to God, and then getting your Miracle, and she was SO touched and happy, well, once she's better she'll tell you herself!!
Lots of love & Angel Hugs,
Sandy

Hi my sister. Thanks for your prayers, yes this hurricane is a killer, we won't know until sunday or monday if it going to hit us direct, then all hell comes loose, all the supermarkets have lines around the block, so does Home Depots, we have hurricane shutters at my sisters, but I have to board up my home etc, then get ready if the roofs stands and the house also, then we will without water or electricity for days, that if we wurvive this one, so I pray that it goes away and don't hit anybody. Thanks for lettings us know about Donna, my sister have been sick for almost 2 weeks now with the flu, and now i am coming down with it, I did not feel like getting up from bed, but had to come to work to get a few things done and then I will be going home. Tell Donna that our prayers are with her and Shar, I am into such deep valley days that have no strengh left, this week has been rough for all of us here at work and you know how vulnerable we are to the pain. I love you my sister. Selva