Prayer Circles

What a beautiful poem Selva...thank you hon for sharing it with us..I have been sick the last couple weeks....the flu has been going around..today I came home with an earache..we're suppose to be gettin sleet and snow here in Ole Miss. Hard to believe...for allll we usually get here is RAIN!It really does'nt matter to me what we get...I will still feel like not going to work.I don't really know what is happening with me...for some days I feel "up" then there are days where I feel a depression try to come in..it's gettin harder and harder to fight these feelings..Last night..it seemed like I was going to cry myself to sleep..I think I must of fell asleep just calling Jesus's name over and over again.Just so I would'nt lay there and think about my Matthew and how he is not here with me....The past couple days I have been having a anxious feeling..I can't seem to shake it.I know at times I rattle on ..like I'm feeling on top of the world...when in actuallity I feel lower than everything..I have no other words...Lisa..it is good to see you posting again....There are times I would just sit and just read the posts and cry...times when I cannot bring myself to post..I just let it go...then there are days...when a post touches my heart with a deep feeling of just sittin and just grieve...I thank God for all of "my angelmoms"..The vally days are still here..but like I said.I fight it....I maybe hurtin myself in the long run..I don't know..It may come all crashin down on me..I did have friend of mine who lost a son about 6 years ago..his name was Matthew also..anyway....this friend of mine told me that my first year I would be in denial.I did'nt understand what she meant at that time she told me this.I am now begining to understand..Dearest Sandy...thank you dear for the emails...the cards that you send..I'm sorry I don't respond back.PLease know that I do appreciate them...I need to go...today was a long day at work..I pray that God will bless you all with a good tomarrow...In His Care I Press On....Eva

Hello dear Selva, I'm so sorry that the movie made you sad, your dear sister did mean well, and I understand how the wedding scene would bring up pain for you, God love you. I pray that today was a better day for you, but if not, that's OK too! Yes, it's very sad about the young girl dying, and our prayers are with her parents and family, such a tragedy. I've also prayed for the Dr.'s involved in it too, they made a horrendous mistake, but it was an accident and they must be feeling very badly themselves right now.
I know something good will come from her death, as Donna said, that a better system be put into place and it never happens to another. We are so blessed to have this family, dear Selva, and I too thank God for this Circle. I'm very honoured that you called me 'sister', what a beautiful thing to say, and I consider you a sister too!
I love the poem you posted from an e-mail, it's so true, all we have to do is whisper Jesus! Thanks for posting it for all, Much love and prayers to you dear sister,
Luv Sandy

Hi Selva and Eva, it looks like we're posting at the same time! Oh Selva, what a painful thing to receive in the mail, I don't blame you for feeling so bad! I'm so sorry about your sister, having emphysema (sp?), and I think it's wonderful that you're going to quit smoking along with her, both of you can support each other in your efforts! Hope your Dr. appt. goes well, talk to you tomorrow, much love,
Luv Sandy

Hello dear Moms, I have to go now, but will catch up with the posts in the morning! - Lisa, you're a part of our family now and you say whatever is in your heart here, as you just did! If you're angry, you can tell us, you can safely let out all your pain here that you've held within, trying to be strong, post whatever is in your heart sweetie, we all care and understand! This is a Circle of Love, and now you're linked together here with all of us and we'll all do our best to help you, so please keep posting! We love you and care about you! Donna and Eva, I read your posts, I'll respond tomorrow, and I send my love to you both! Much love to all,
Luv Sandy

One thing I forgot to mention Lisa, if you don't feel as though you can go to the visitation or the funeral, then don't, your own loss is so recent. Reach out to your friend in another way, a phone call, letter, card, and that way she'll know you're thinking of her in her pain. I can't imagine losing your second child, there's a few Moms here who have posted and have lost more than one child, in one case a Mom lost her whole family in a house fire, mere words alone could never convey how she felt, or how your friend feels. God bless you, and you do whatever is comfortable for you to do,
Luv Sandy

Dearest Lisa, I know many of us were told be strong and all I can say give it time. We were taught not to cry not to talk and just take care of someone elses feelings somehow there's was worthy and we were made to feel ours was signifigant. What happens is shut down of feelings and the spirit God gave us. Keep talking but honor where you are right now you may not know wether you have faith {I think you do because your here} but remember one minute one hour one day God has Faith in you. Sweetie just don't quit. Every journey takes time and someday you will feel and another day you will find comfort as Sandy has said Love lives in this Family there are no expectations and please like Sandy said don't push your friend is going to need you when everyone is gone. My friends live far away but we send warm fuzzie. Trust Your Heart it will be true. BearHugs Donna

Dear Selva, Sun flowers that's great they grow in abundance here in New Mexico they like the soil better than any other. I know what you wrote has a lot of healing for all of us Thanks Bunches. Today was tough and I'm so sorry for you and your sister and the memories of your ground zero keep coming alive. I hope you and your sister have some sunshine so you can lift your face and feel its warmth and that it blocks out everything except that moment where there is just light and warmth. BearHugs Donna

Dear Sandy, Thanks for your e-mail and warm fuzzies. It was a good part of a good day and as I've said before since coming here and I can truly say something bound inside no longer is and even for my hubby has asked about Angel Moms and since coming here he has opened up and I've waited a long time just to listen to his heart.
Dear Eva, I'm sorry your on a horrible ride of horrible feelings I'm glad you visited and posted I hope tomorrow is easier BearHugs Donna

Hello dear Donna, thank you, and Mike, for planting the forget-me-nots when it's time to plant, I told my hubby about it and he was happily surprised too! The garden will be beautiful, and tended with loving hands. That's terrific that Mike viewed the Memorials and didn't want you changing anything, :). I hope you like the book "Lament for a Son", another one that many moms have read is "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" by a Rabbi whose name escapes me at the moment. You're so welcome for the e-mail, and thank you for your's!.
I'm so happy for you that this Circle has released all those pent-up feelings, what a wonderful blessing that is! And just as important is the fact that your hubby has opened up more and is sharing his heart with you, you must be so happy! It always amazes me at the amount of good that comes from this Circle, Our Lord has truly blessed it with His love. Thank you dear one for all your loving posts, you're truly a beacon of light yourself in this Circle of Love. Much love and prayers to you,
Luv Sandy

Hi All, Sandy thank you very much for saying that I am now part of the family here. It makes me feel warm inside. I think I have decided to go to the visitation tonight. Right now my way of thinking is that I got through my own sons funeral and it was the worst thing I could imagine ever having to do that I can be their for my friends daughters. I think I will be okay with it. Last night at my bible study I broke down and told them how I was questioning God and didn't understand why he was testing me, etc. One of the ladies said that when she finds herself in that situation she asks herself if maybe it is her testing god. I have been thinking about that ever since and I think maybe that is what I might have been doing. After all, I am not powerful enough to make people die just because I pray for them to be well. Right?? Selva, I wanted to thank you for your post also, I will do my best to open up to all of you. I think that is really what I need.
Love To all,
Lisa

Hello dear Eva, a belated Happy Birthday to you! That was nice that your daughter came and spent it with you, and what a beautiful gift from your other daughter, expecting! We'll pray for a healthy baby and healing for your daughter. That must make you and Ron happy, naming the baby Matthew if it's a boy, in honour of her brother! You read "Lament for a Son" too, yes, I cried too while reading it, so many of the father's feelings were the same as mine. That's too bad that you're sick, rest up and take care of yourself. The valley days are hard, aren't they, grief is like a rollercoaster, ups and downs, and they're hard to deal with. But keep praying to Our Lord, and He'll help you to deal with those days, He's always there for us to help us on our Journey. Don't fight your feelings, let them out, and hopefully it'll help you with your anxiety. You know you can always let them out here! I know you miss your Matthew, hold onto the thought that you will see him again when God calls you home. We all miss our child's physical presence in our lives, it's painful, allow yourself to cry, it helps to let your pain out and put you on the path of slowly healing.
You're welcome for the mail, and it's alright that you don't write back, I know you appreciate them. May the peace of Our Lord, which surpasses all other, fill your heart today and in the days ahead. And yes, you and Ron are in our prayers for your intention. God bless you Eva, and much love and prayers to you,
Luv Sandy

Hello dear Lisa, you're so welcome, and you are a part of this family now! I'm happy you arrived at a decision that's comfortable for you, I know how you feel, we were faced with the same thing, Shane's best friend passed away about 8 months after Shane, he and Shane were like brothers, and had basically grown up together, they had forged a friendship from the age of four and Mark was like one of the family. It was one of the hardest things to do, attend his visitation and funeral, but now I'm very happy that we did.
It was really beneficial to you to attend your Bible Study last night, it helped to give you some new insights that I hope help you! I'm so happy that you posted back, and yes, let your feelings out here, they will be honored, never judged, and our love, understanding, support and prayers will hopefully help you AngelMom, you have to let them out, and in the process, you're helping us too! My prayers are with you to help you with attending the visitation tonight. God bless you sweetie, and I'm so happy that you're part of this family! Much love and prayers to you,
Luv Sandy

Hello dear Yvonne, I hope you're feeling much better now than you were in January, miss your wonderful posts, and our love and prayers are always with you.
Luv Sandy

Hi Sandy, Verna, Eva, Donna, Lisa ,Debby and all you wonderful Angel Moms. First of all AY Sandy you are such an Angel, you take care of everybody in the Circle, sometimes I wish I could give you a big hug, and say THANK YOU, for all your help, I hope one of these days we can have a reunion, I think that I will be happy for the first time in six months. Hi Eva, I hope you are feeling better today, my sister also has a bad cold and it lasts a long time, I hope that yours don't take that long, please keep coming back to this Circle of Love, I'm sure by now you know how much it helps. everytime I pray I want you to know that you are ALL in my prayers, and I'm also praying for your daughter and your grandchild, that is wonderful, I will never be a grandmother and I used to say to Solange all the time. I'm going to spoil your kids sooo much, so you'l know what that is (I spoiled her too much)she used to laugh and tell me that they will be "plastic" we call that to the people who only wear brand name clothes and shoes and all that, and enjoy money more than feelings, she knew I never liked that but she was little plastic herself , well all young girls like to wear whats IN, but we made fun of it, she really was an Angel. Lisa, please keep coming back here, you need us and we need you, let out your pain, anger and lack of faith sometimes, I do the samething, we are going to a horrendous pain and God understand the Whys, He will not get angry at you because you question Him, we are humans, so we act like humans, and what happened to us it is the worst that can happen to anybody, so we have a right to ask why, and get angry. I question my faith a lot of times, but what I do is pray even without faith, try to do that, because deep inside we know that God knows what He is doing, but we don't understand Him, so keep praying and talk to Him even if you don't feel the faith, at least that is what I do, this way Satan will keep away from me,I hope that you can stand going to the Visitation tonight, just do what your heart tells you, and if you feel like leaving early do so, I'm sure your friend will understand later on, tell her to come to this Circle of Love, she will need it too. Thank you Donna for the sun flowers, I really appreciate this, and please all you Angel moms, I also have a Memorial Garden for Solange, so please tell me what to plant, I already know of forget me not, you know, I keep telling Solange to get in touch with all our Angel kids, she loved people so much that I'm sure that she had made friends with all of them. Dear Sandy, went to my pshyco today, she gave me her good advices as usual, but recomended that I take something for my nerves, I'm very nervous inside and it is very obvious outside, so I will be in touch with my Dr. tomorrosw so that he will prescribe some, I'm having trouble with sleep. You know her son's birthday and aniversary are in March, 9 years since she lost her young son, and she understandd me soo much, I really like her. Well angel Moms my sister has a tax appointment now so I will have to get off the computer. I love you all. Selva

Today I sought refuge from war sorrow and tears and I brought each of you with and asked God to whisper Psalm 91 in you ear. Love&Hope Donna

Good Morning All Angel Moms!
I'm still around and reading all postings. Sometimes I just can't muster up the strength to even write here lately and I don't know why. I have had a rough couple of months, not feeling well and just plain down in the dumps. Joseph's 28th birthday is coming up next week on March 7th and I believe that is part of it, it will be his 4th one not being here with us, I can't stand it! I'm seeing a counseler, nutritionist, actually she's my Pastor's wife, but just got her license as a nutritionist last year and wants to help me physically, emotionally and most importantly, spriritually. Although I have a deep faith in God and I pray and study His Word, I believe there's some things I just don't understand and hopefully she will help me see, with God's help of course.
My heart goes out to all who are new and most recently lost your precious child. I'm praying for you for God to give you His peace in your heart and find rest in Him. He loves you and does understand for He lost His Son, but for a most worthy cause! He knows our suffering and wants to comfort us if we will let Him and that comes in many ways. Sometimes we don't even know it's Him trying to comfort us. We only need to look around and accept whatever is there. I found this out the hard way in the early days and refused help, I only wanted to be left alone in my heartache, but now I'm realizing that I truly do need something else. That's why God puts people in our paths to be used by Him.
Dear Father God, I ask You to send all these Angel Mom's Your peace today and comfort them in the way they need it most. Bless them Lord in their life today and to use each day to honor their child in some small way. I ask this all in Jesus Name, Amen. God Bless you all.
Love, Yvonne<><

Good Morning Angel Moms,
Well, I got through my friends baby's viewing okay last night. A friend of mine went with me. Now all I keep thinking is how my Aaron would have looked like lying in his casket all peaceful. She was so beautiful. See, I didn't get to see my son after he died, the car he was in caught on fire and he was burned beyond recognition. Sometimes I think that is why it is so hard for me to believe that he is really gone. I never got to say goodbye or see him sleeping so peacefully. The pastor at his funeral talked about the body only being a temporary home and that his spirit is still alive in his permanent home in heaven. I have to keep reminding myself of that. It is SO hard. His birthday is this Sunday March 2 and I have been worrying about it for days now. I don't know what to do?? I think I want to bake his favorite cake and have a family party like we used to, but then I think I want to be alone and just cry all day at the cemetery. He will be turning 20 years old. That is how old I was when I had him and it makes me so sad to know that he will never know what it is like to get married and have kids of his own. He would have been a good daddy. I will never have grandchildren from him and I was SO looking forward to that. My other son told me the other day that him and Aaron had decided a while back that they were going to name each others kids after each other. So, now I look forward to the day that we will have another Aaron running around. I don't feel very good today, after the visitation last night we ate at IHOP and it did not agree with me. My stomach has been queasy ever since. But, I never feel very good anymore. It is getting harder and harder to make myself get up in the mornings. I am just SO very tired. I have no ambition to do anything and that is not like me. It worries me. I prayed for all of the Angel Moms this morning. Selva, I am taking your advice and praying anyway, even with a little doubt in my faith. I don't want to have doubt and maybe this will open my heart again. I Love all of you and feel your pain. I am so sad today, all I want to do is cry. I have to go before I start (I might never stop).
Love to all,
Lisa

Today it is freezing rain...And that is acually how I feel.I am trying so hard to fight this feeling..I called my sister last night and cried on her shoulder..Bless her heart ..all she could do was let me cry...I just miss Matthew so much it hurts.I just want to hold him..see him..touch his sweet face...I think i will just lay in all day...gonna find an old black and white movie on the clasic channel.This cold is'nt helping any.God I just want to die....I love you all....Eva

Ay Selva, you're an Angel yourself, and I wish I could hug you too! Yes, it would be so nice to have a Reunion and meet everyone, hopefully one day it will happen! I'm so happy for you that your psycho visit was so beneficial to you, and losing a child herself, God love her, she would certainly understand how another mother feels. I think that's such a good idea that your psycho recommends seeing your Dr. for some medication for your anxiety, I know it'll help you and you need your sleep. Let us know how it went, much love to you dear Selva, and prayers,
Luv Sandy

Hello dear Donna, what a loving thing to do for all, your heart is filled with love and SONshine, and it spreads out from you with His light shining in you. Love and hope to you too, Angel Mom!
Luv Sandy

Hello dear Yvonne, it's so nice to hear from you again! We all miss you, but understand that you're not feeling well and not up to posting. I'm sorry you're still having a rough time, and I understand how you're feeling, with Joe's birthday coming up. His fourth without being here. Next month marks Shane's 4th year Anniversary for us, and I can feel the anxiety building up, I miss him so much, just as you do your Joe. Even after 4 years, it's still painful at times, isn't it. That's wonderful that you're going to see a Counsellor and a Nutritionist as well, we all know the great faith you have, but I know that with her working with you physically, emotionally and spiritually, you'll gain new insights to help you on your Journey. We all need a little extra help sometimes, and I think it's terrific that you'll be seeing her and I believe that God will use her to help you. Another beautiful prayer for all Yvonne, especially for the new Moms, and our prayers are with you too that you'll be feeling better soon. I'll light a candle on Joe's birthday to honour his life and spirit, and I pray that soon you'll see 'your' dove. Much love and prayers to you dear Yvonne,
Luv Sandy

Hello dear Lisa, I'm so happy for you that the visitation went so well for you, and you were able to do it. I know your friend appreciated seeing you there for her and the family. Oh, that's so unfortunate Lisa that you couldn't have an open casket for Aaron, it no doubt would have helped you to see him laying there so peacefully, and help you realize that he really is gone. But the first year is spent in shock and disbelief anyway, even those of us who did see our child still went through that phase of it not seeming real. Your Pastor's right, our bodies are the 'vehicles' of our spirits, souls, and even though it's really hard for you right now, Aaron IS very much alive and in Heaven, in your heart of hearts you know that, it's just hard for you because you're in so much pain, grief right now, God love you. Aaron's birthday this Sunday will be very difficult for you, mark the day in whatever way you're comfortable with. However you mark the day, the tears will still come and let them, these 'special days' are very hard on us and this is your 1st birthday without Aaron being here. Grieving is so hard on us emotionally, spiritually and physically, it takes a lot out of us, and we need to take care of ourselves, and be kind to ourselves as we grieve. I hope that your tummy has settled down, it sounds like whatever you ate at IHOP didn't agree with you, be careful that it's not a tinge of food poisoning. We love you too Lisa, and you cry as much as you want, it helps to let some of your pain out, instead of holding it in. God bless you sweetie, and our prayers and love are with you, we all know the great pain you're in right now. Much love to you,
Luv Sandy

Hello dear Eva, I'm so sorry that you're in such pain right now, thank goodness you have a supportive sister that you can talk to. We miss our children so much, don't we, we'd all love to be able to hold them again and kiss them, one day we will, but in the meantime it's so painful isn't it. That's a very good idea, rest, take care of yourself with your cold, and watch an old movie, I love some of the older ones too. Much love and prayers to you dear Eva,
Luv Sandy

Dearest Angel Moms, Your all going through a heartbreaking time. You are all so brave. Lisa I too will light a candle,I do it for my son every year and on holidays. Did the pain go away no, not for a long while but if you can reach out to someone who loves you because there grieving for him and maybe you both can get through together. BearHugs & Love Donna