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Michael and Carla Gilby
Married 20 Years 1/30/2002

Prayer of Thankfulness for Help in Trying Times and Other Gifts

We thank you for helping us through the trying times we recently had in our marriage, for finding Michael the perfect job, for showing Carla the perfect job opportunity (and we hope she gets it), and for our children, even if they do act like normal teenagers. We also thank you for our loving pets and the house we love so much.
mgilby -2/2/2002
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2/2/2002 17:03

I am very thankful for the strength to make it through the time since I found out and the mental help I have had in getting over it thus far. Amen. Carla

2/2/2002 20:12

I am very thankful that Carla has been able to forgive me for my utter stupidity recently. I am thankful that I still have the most wonderful wife in the whole world who is always there for me no matter what. I would never make it without her. Amen. Michael

2/3/2002 12:55

I am thankful today for the beautiful day, for Michael's ability to take on tasks he doesn't think he can do (when he can with a little advice from the right people) and willingness to do things like change the oil to save us the money of having it done. I am extremely thankful for our sex life--what fun it can be when we want it to and how deep it can be if we choose that instead. I'm thankful for all the clothes and linens we have, even if I do dislike doing so much laundry. I'm thankful the pain medication that lets me live a somewhat normal life most of the time and doctors that will prescribe it for me. I'm thankful I'm feeling better today than I have been recently so I can apply for that job tomorrow. Amen. Carla

3/18/2002 16:09

I'm thankful I found this site again since I didn't remember where it was. I'm thankful for my marriage, hard as it may be sometimes to believe in it. I never want it to end and live day to day scared that it will. I pray for the strength to make it through that if it does happen. I pray more that it doesn't. I pray constantly that our kids will see the light and start doing their part to help around the house without having to be threatened into it all the time. I'm thankful to have healthy, normal kids, even if they are acting dumb most of the time. I'm thankful Bandit seems to be doing well now that more than a year has passed since his accident and pray it will continue to be. I pray constantly for a way to believe Michael when he tells me he's not going anywhere and really wants to stay in this marriage, but I don't always. It's so easy to hide something like that, so hard to find out about. All I can do is live every day as if it's our last together, show him how much I love him, try to figure out what I need to do to keep him happy to be with me, because I don't know beyond shipping the kids off to military school. I hope the doctor can help me, even though my insurance isn't the best in the world, and that maybe he has some other ideas of things to try. I pray to be rid of the constant pain or at least a way to live with it that doesn't mean sitting around all day, not doing my share around the house. I'm glad I didn't apply for that job last month, because I can tell now that I would not have been able to handle it physically. I pray for something I can do to earn money that I can work around feeling bad, not being able to leave the house sometimes, etc, and still make a decent income, because we really need it bad. I pray what I've been feeling lately is not another flare, but just tiredness in general and catching up on sleep--but I have my doubts. My mouth and eyes sure have been dry. Maybe just the Sjogren's will flare this time, not the lupus. I pray for the kind of life we had planned on having when we got married, not this one where I can't do much of anything and end up being more for Michael to do and take care of than if I wasn't here. I sure hope the kids will start doing their share and take a lot of the load off Michael, now that we have a normal life with him coming home every day like a normal person. Or else I pray for scholarships for them to go to the private Episcopal military school in San Antonio, where I think they'd learn a lot about self-discipline and helping and working as a team instead of just for themselves. I pray our lovemaking continues to be as special as it has been lately, even when we're playing, and that I don't start feeling so bad that I can't do anything, as has happened before. I desperately pray for our lives to be the way we wish them to be, although if that means I have to be alone, it will be difficult. I guess I pray for the strength to handle whatever may happen in my life in the future, because I don't think I have it, and I really don't want to find out if I do the hard way. I so long to get over the fear I live with every day, even the days he doesn't know about because I manage to hide it by the time he gets home from work. I'm tired of pretending, tired of trying all the time, tired of not being able to do my part around the house, and sometimes not even in bed.

3/18/2002 20:51

I pray that Carla will believe me when I tell her that I am not leaving and that I do love her more than anything. Nothing has been ever so true. She means more to me than life itself. I pray that I can keep tryoing to clam down and relax and not let all the little things around the house get to me. I am just trying to give Carla the house she always wanted. I pray that the kids will sooner or later get the idea that they have to help out a lot more than they do, if not for me or themselves, than at least for their mother. She deserves to be helped all that we can. I pray also that her pain gets more under control and that the lupus goes into remision. I get so scared. I am scared every day that things will get worse and there isn't anything I can do about it. I am so afraid of this disease and I worry about what it is doing to Carla all the time. I will keep doing what I can to make her happy. I haven't done a very good job of that lately.I know she doesn't always believe me when I say I love her and that I am not leaving. All I can do is keep telling her that and showing her how much I love her and maybe someday she will believe in me again. I try what I can to keep her spirits up and make her feel good. I just pray that it works. I pray that our lovemaking can continue as it is right now, which is to say it gets better all the time. I enjoy bringing her pleasure more than anything. It doesn't only have to be in the bedroom either. I pray that we can find something for Carla to do here at home to make a little money. It isn't easy and I know how much she wants to work. If she can't, that's okay. We will make it. One of my biggest prayers right now is that I can come up with a way to keep the house. I am pretty worried about that and I don't know what to do if the VA and the new mortgage both fall through. I really don't want to declare bankruptcy. A little Devine intervention wouldn't be a bad thing on this line right now. I pray that Carla and the boys know that I love them all very much. Even if I do gripe about the kids and seem to always be yelling at them. I am trying not to do that as much as I used to. They really are good kids. Much better than most. I guess all I have left to ask for now is that please Lord, look out for my family and help guide us through the financial difficulties we are having right now. And please let Carla know that I do love her more than ever and that I never stopped loving her and never will and that I will always be here and I am never leaving.

12/17/2002 12:06

Been a long time. Things are still going along. It's not great yet, but it's a lot better than it was this time last year. It's been a little over a year since I found out about all that and it still hurts so much when I think about it. I try my best not to think about it, but sometimes I can't help it. I keep remembering all the things he told her in the e-mail and wonder what else he told her in e-mail I didn't see or over the phone, when he used to leave the room to talk to her all the time. But it's not as bad as it was even a few months ago. I wish so much I could just forget the whole thing and just believe everything Michael tells me, but that's been impossible so far. At least now I believe more often than not that we'll make it through this together. That's much better than it used to be. Good thing he's so strong and determined on this one thing or he would have left me by now with my attitude sometimes. There are even times I tell him I wish he would just get out, leave already. But thank God he won't. I don't know what I'd do if he actually did. Sorry this is short. It hurts a lot to sit here without my chair. I'll try again for more sometime soon. Thank you soo much for the love between Michael and me. It's the very best thing in my life. And I miss my dog Bandit terribly. That was the end of May 2002, and I'm finally getting a little better about that, but it's not easy. I'll keep trying.

4/16/2003 19:42

Well, the computer is working again, so here we are in another year. My grandmother and grandfather have both died, my stepfather turned 80 in March, the marriage seems to be better than it has in a while, I still miss my dog a lot. I think I'm most thankful for the marriage being better, even if my health doesn't seem to be. I'm sure nothing is seriously wrong with me, but I always feel awful and I'm tired of it. But I can live with it. I'm not sure how I'd live without my marriage to Michael. It's the best thing in my life and I love him so very much. I can't imagine life without him or with anyone else, ever. He seems to have gotten over his problems, whatever they were. I wish I could. I don't feel like I did the first year, but I still don't like the things I feel sometimes. And I constantly think if it happened once, it can happen again. We'll just have to wait and see, I guess. He's fixed my chair, but I'm still to sore to sit out here very long each day, not like I used to. We're getting a pretty big tax refund this year thanks to the Earned Income Credit and Child Tax Credit. We have to get some exercise equipment so I can use it without having to go to the gym. I can never do that lately because I don't feel good enough. And gym's in town cost too much. By the time you pay for them for a year, you could have bought the equipment yourself, so that's what we'll do. That way I only have to drag myself out of bed to exercise, not out of the house. I think if I can get more exercise, I'll feel a lot better. That's what the doctors think, anyway. I'm willing to give it a shot. And I need to get here more often. I can't make it to church anymore, so I need to come here and write down my thoughts. I think about keeping a journal but never get around to writing things down, then lose the notebook, then find it, then don't use it again. Lazy, I guess. Well, here's to a long, happy life together with fewer problems in the future than we've had in the past. I sure hope so, anyway. I'm getting too tired to keep working so hard.


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