It might be that your spouse has lost an interest, but you dismissed it as being the norm lately. The signs of falling out of love are obvious down the road and in the end, but they always start as little subtleties. Maybe you don’t want to see the signs. Admittedly, we all become frayed and disjointed in our relationships during challenging moments or during when tragedy hits the family. This has felt different.
Nobody is perfect. But what happens when you are both at home and there is a lack of interest on what is going on? Both of you are just existing. Your spouse spends more time on their phones, they are disconnected, and are exhibiting signs of depression. The clues are there that they have been slipping away, but sometimes we look the other way in order to keep the family intact. Both of you could be responsible in trying to not deal with the problems in the relationship. Many people mistake that relationships are fine when holidays or special days roll around. Valentine's Day, Christmas and anniversaries, seem to show glimpses that you both care, but once that is over, people retreat to the couch or the bedroom. There are no positive changes, love doesn’t last any more outside a birthday, and they find fault in all you do. Maybe they accuse you of being the problem, or they are unloving. These are even more signals that your loved one is absent. The truth of the matter is that this kind of scenario is never healthy for anyone. We need to look at the hard-cold facts to decipher if we should work on the relationship, or reassess its future when your spouse has checked out and does not care. Here are 8 things to consider when you are being shunned.
They don’t change.
We can’t blame the distance totally on not picking up dirty clothes. What you believe is asking for help could be deemed to them as nagging. If you suggest it, it just starts a fight. Try to calmly have a conversation and share how you are feeling and listen to them as well. Work and be the initiator of the conversation because you know it is never about dirty socks.
Love does not last.
You had a good time, but by the morning, they are finding something wrong. One moment they love you and the next they want to rip your head off. This all follows back to “I love you” again. If this is your life, this person is grossly mistreating you. They are justifying this rash behavior by saying three words after they did not care enough how they talked to you.
They do not accept you.
Grant it, they are not happy, but many of us are freakishly moody in America--is no excuse. But when they start picking on you like a bully and have developed a pattern of contempt, the situation is going to boil over. Bring it to their attention and ask them why they feel so angry towards you. If that does not work, ask for someone to mediate. If they do not care anymore, they will say it, or turn-down all help.
They are oblivious.If your spouse doesn’t understand the reasons you are bringing the relationship's problems to the forefront, and refuses to compromise, this is a red flag. Both people need to take a step back and take some responsibility for the actions that are impacting the relationship. The truth is this, rise and take a stand to work on the marriage to rebuilt it, or reconsider the union thoughtfully.
The connection is gone.
Yes, when you first got married everything was aligned. You communicated and connected, but then real life came into play and messed up marital bliss. Stress, anger, bitterness, and kids add a toll to a relationship and things start to crack under pressure. When your spouse is under duress, they really disconnect more than ever. It is up to you to pull them back in, and make an effort to reconnect again.
There is only affection during special days.
If they are only affectionate during holidays, it is a matter of obligation for them and it is not love. This is not cool. They are going through the emotions to keep up appearances, especially if afterwards they still exhibit bad behavior. Try changing the game and treat them the way you want to be treated. Instead of adding fuel to this fire, mark the occasion and offer them kindness. This might bring out their nicer traits.
Offer them help.
Tell your spouse that you are committed to the relationship and you want to get to the root cause of the unhappiness, or find out what happened to start the distance. Maybe it is you that caused this mess, and you have realized that you are part of the problem. When we stop the blame game, we can then move into calmer territory and untangle misconceptions or even wrong expectations we had of the marriage.
It is a painful process.
Believing that your spouse does not care anymore is very painful and we need to go through the process to make changes for the good of the relationship. It will not be easy when we feel rejected and are being shutout. There could be outside influences putting pressure on the relationship like work or medical problems. Realize that you are a team and take a step to find a solution not just add to the problem.You have some work to do if the marriage is going to be saved. There are many variables that can hurt a relationship. Stress from kids, work, underlying medical conditions, lack of communication, and unresolved anger all contribute to a distant and uncaring spouse. You need to do some detective work to resolve some of the issues. Problems don’t go away by ignoring them. What could help is finding the support of others to make the right decisions as you try to navigate over hurdles, or it might be time to let the relationship go.