Sexy lovers take the time to develop the sensual, romantic parts of their minds and personalities. Mates can be surprised how talented and creative they are in planning sexy surprises for each other. This may include gifts, foot and leg massages, verbal demonstrativeness, mutual showers, or dinners with candlelight and soft glances. Of course, romantic lovemaking doesn't always involve completely new techniques and experiences. There are certain positions, ways of caressing, places, rhythms, restaurants, moods and vocabulary that remain enjoyable favorites.
Sexiness comes from your imaginative creativity and romantic inspirations-and the discipline (time and energy) to carry them out. You want to be a great, sexy lover? Become a creative romantic who invests time and energy wisely.
Discipline may seem an odd character trait to include for a lover, and the opposite of spontaneity, playfulness and creativity. The truth of the matter is than an undisciplined lifestyle will end up with very infrequent sex. Perhaps you think that discipline would completely destroy the fun and spontaneity of sex and put pressure on you. But if you don't plan sex into your busy schedules and find those optimal times, you will never make love! The ambience, activity, place, timing, and technique are up to your romantic creativity. Just keep a time sacredly (one definition of sacred is: "dedicated to a special purpose") reserved for sex.
Enjoy the incompatibility of gender differences. "So God created man in His own image; . male and female He created them" (Gen. 1:27). It is fascinating how often in marriage counseling that gender differences come up. Ways in which the genders vary sexually will be developed more in Chapters 8 and 9. From dating days through the honeymoon and into years of marriage, you will be continually amazed how different you are.
Men need to be made significant and their egos stroked, while women need to feel secure and special. Men tend to be more one-track, whereas women can multitask more easily. Men have a narrower band of emotions, and wives self-disclose and express feelings more adeptly. Women overall desire emotional connection and physical affection as a way to connect their souls and then sex can blossom. Paying attention with phone calls and doing the vacuuming can increase female sexual desire. Men connect their feelings and souls through sexual activity. Being a student of the opposite sex and understanding how your spouse is similar and different from these stereotypes are crucial as you develop into a great lover.
Understand that enjoying sexuality and connecting with your mate are gifts each brings to the other willingly-not by demands or coercion. Please don't use God's loving guidelines as weapons on each other. First Corinthians 7:3,5 tells about the importance of keeping sexually united in marriage: "Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband . . . Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time . . . and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control." Some husbands and wives club their mates with this passage and say things like, "If you don't have sex with me tonight, you are sinning." The real sin is theirs because they usually have never taken the time, lovingkindness, and energy to make changes needed to appeal to their mate romantically. Making love is about giving-not demanding.