Beliefnet

“I can’t go on,” or “Maybe it will get better.” These are thoughts that many people mull over when they are deciding to break up with someone. But is holding on to a false hope disastrous for the future?

This may be the time to get real. It is time to really sit down and think if remaining with them will be beneficial to your health, or will be an overall positive outcome down the road.

Ask yourself and write down the pros and cons of being in the relationship with this person. Also look at what you are telling yourself and look at if you constantly excuse their poor behavior. What lens you choose to use determines the mental picture. Is it objective or skewed? This can be deceptive to your logic.

For example there is a possibility you’re not happy because you settled with someone knew was not the right one. Let’s look at other questions, and be honest with yourself:

1. Are they abusive physically or emotionally?

2. Do they cheat?

3. Are you polar opposites that it causes many arguments?

4. Are you drained and unhappy?

5. Do they threaten to breakup because you are doing a hobby you love?

6. Are they controlling, and manipulate you using emotion as a weapon? Another honest way to look at the relationship is to also ask: Are they willing to work on the relationship or have they checked out? Laura Berman, PhD asks in her article on Everyday Health.

This is a deal breaker. If this is true, this stonewalling is often a sign that the relationship is over. “…emotional shutdowns are often unfixable, as the partner at hand refuses to do the work necessary to fix the relationship. To make matters worse, the partner often pretends to be oblivious to this, denying that he has checked out or that something is wrong. Sadly, you can't fix a marriage with someone who won't even admit that there is a problem.”

These are things you need to keep in mind as you make a decision regarding the matter. No decision should be in haste, especially if a marriage is at stake or there are years invested into the relationship. If the decision is yes, mourning the lost will become part of it, but maybe you knew the relationship was already crumbling and it was too late to get counseling. You may have become numb. Everyone is in a different place, so be gentle, but don't wallow for a year.

Dr. Phil recommended to not dwell on negativity, or put your life on hold dafter the breakup. Build yourself up, and allow time for healing. If 30 days is not enough allow for more time. Travel, change the environment, hang out with friends, and find the life that you lost.

“Every minute you spend focusing on your ex is a minute that's holding you back from a better future,” said Dr. Phil.

 “As long you are obsessed on this guy, you will never put your heart, soul and mind into getting your life in order and starting another relationship if you want one. Set some goals and start putting your life back together.”

This doesn’t need to be the end. Make this a new chapter!

Find support, and know that you will overcome to live the life you want without the dead weight of a bad relationship. You can give up on a relationship, but don’t give up on you. Look at the positive in life to override negative emotions and rising self-condemnation.

“Life only delivers what we need, when we need it. When life is telling you you're in a relationship that's no good for you, you have to listen and surrender. The moment you surrender to life and let go, is the moment you become free to be who you are, and to learn the next amazing lesson that life takes you on. You'll be free to meet the real star of your fairytale,” wrote relationship coach David Wygant.

What has helped you?  Share your tips with us!

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