Here's my take on Valentine's Day: on February 14, I remember that there's always enough. I will explain.
I got married about eight and a half months ago, at 41. By the time I said I do, I had been living a pretty habit-ridden bachelor existence for quite some time. A congenital daydreamer, I used to spend most of my time either at the movies or poring through my personal library, which was stuffed into a one-room apartment. I could have afforded more space had I wanted to live in the boroughs, but my dream of being a writer had always been tied to life in Manhattan--and one room had always been enough for me anyway. I liked having my stuff at hand--my stuff being books. I didn't like living a diffused life. It was safe, because one room was a bare minimum, and I didn't believe in taking giant steps toward realizing those big dreams of mine, for fear of overstepping some fixed boundary set by an inscrutible fate. The penalty would surely be the undoing of what progress I had already made.
Now, my wife, Denise, had also been used to living in tight spaces and making do with the bare minimum. But she was also used to sharing, either with siblings or roommates. Yet she was always able to find room, not because she accommodated herself to the space, but because the space seemed to accommodate itself to her. She was a loaves-and-fishes kind of person. She made things blossom, which I should have expected, since she is also a plant person. For years she designed indoor landscapes and gardens, finding ways to make dead space bloom. The only plants I knew of spewed soot onto my windowsills.
Denise also had what I would call an expansive spirituality: a vague pantheism, a little Catholic Mariology, a little angelology, a belief in psychic phenomena. She had also accepted Jesus as personal savior at a revival meeting. There was room in her soul for many definitions of the divine.
Conversely, by the time we started dating, my spiritual world was a cramped and lonely business. I was caught in a no-man's-land between a Calvinism that taught there was just enough grace for the Elect--and if you had to ask who the Elect were, I guarantee, it wasn't you--and complete spiritual exhaustion. My father had just died after several years of suffering through Alzheimer's disease, and God seemed very far away. The idea that there was some magical quality to the universe, or that there were angels or faeries keeping watch over us, or an almighty paternalistic deity, for that matter, was ludicrous. It's not so much that I stopped believing in the existence of the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, but that I no longer believed we miserable sinners mattered to him.
So I moved to Brooklyn. I am not fond of Brooklyn. Brooklyn is just Queens with beachfront property. Dogs barking morning, noon, and night. Noisy next-door neighbors out partying in their yards till 2 in the morning. Congregants of a Pentecostal church streaming out into the street at 10 p.m., tambourines in hand. But what was worse--there was no room.
How can that be, when I had exchanged a one-room apartment for a two-bedroom with dining nook? There's no room because there's too much room. Nothing was at hand anymore. And it seemed that Denise had spilled into everything. There was no clearly defined me-space and she-space. Then I saw my way out. I had landed a job at Reader's Digest magazine, whose headquarters are in Westchester, N.Y. That meant a four-and-a-half-hour commute every day. Now I had the perfect excuse to get out of Brooklyn. I'd find more room. In Manhattan.
Those of you who know what housing is like in Manhattan are already falling off your chairs. "You're leaving Brooklyn to find more room...in Manhattan?" Yet I blithely assumed that my fatter salary and a depressed rental market would take care of everything. Of course, nothing in New York is so simple.