My book, "In The Beginning...There Were No Diapers," answers earth-shattering questions, such as "How do I know I'm a parent?" "How do I change a diaper in an airplane restroom?" and "Where can I find the volume control on my kids?"

While I'm sure my book will be hailed by parents everywhere as "the best thing since puréed carrots-and-peas medley," it's currently raising a lot of questions.and people haven't even opened it yet. The most frequent question is, "What does the title mean?"

I could call each of them and tell them the answer, but sharing it here will be quicker. Besides, my cell phone plan only provides sixty minutes each month before I'm charged for additional time.

The title comes from a deep theological insight I had while writing it: God doesn't change diapers. Ipso facto, in the beginning, there were no diapers. I took a philosophy course in college, so I'm pretty confident of my logic. (Maybe it was a psychology course but I'm sure it started with a "p.")

God created Adam and Eve as adults for a good reason--because he could. If you were all-powerful, would you choose to change diapers? I didn't think so.

But, in addition to an aversion to diaper changing, there were a few other reasons God created Adam and Eve as adults, not children. The early chapters of Genesis, which can be found in another best-seller, would have been a little different if Adam had been a five-year-old.

God: You may freely eat of every tree of the garden...

Adam: I don't like those trees. The fruit is ewwie.

God: Ewwie?

Adam: The bananas have brown spots. Can you make a fruit cocktail tree?

God: Please, let me finish.You must not eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil...

Adam: That tree is ewwie, too. The fruit is green. Green tastes funny. Can I climb the trees? I want a tree house...

God: Okay, enough about the trees. Let's move on to naming the animals...

Adam: I already did. I named them all Rocky. When I call them for dinner, I only have to use one name...Rocky, here Rocky, come on boy...oh, look a stampede...

God: I'd really prefer that you give each type of animal a different name.

Adam: How about Rocky, Rocky II, Rocky III, Rocky would be just like that movie! Maybe we could name all the girl animals Adrian...Yo, Adrian! Here girl.

God grew exhausted talking to young Adam and caused a deep sleep to fall over him, although it took a while because Adam insisted he was too big to take a nap and said he needed a story...and a drink of water...and his binky...

Based on my thoughtful analysis, I think you'll agree that in the beginning, there were no diapers. If you have any other questions about my book, feel free to contact me.

Just don't call my cell phone. I'm saving my minutes to talk to my mom.

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