All babies and toddlers are egocentric--the world, including parents, is an extension of themselves, existing to meet their needs. Although young children can feel a strong attachment to other people and objects, respectfulness requires a sense of their own separateness. It's hard for a toddler to grasp, for example, that the toy he wants belongs to another child or that parents have needs separate from his own.
What Can Parents Do?
What's the Goal? To foster basic respect for himself and other living things.
By age 3, language skills and cognitive abilities have grown enough that
preschoolers understand that hitting and grabbing toys are wrong because
they hurt others or make them feel bad. But they're still too young to
consistently curb their impulses and often need reminders. Children in
day care and preschool learn rules that encourage respect, such as
waiting their turn or sitting down during story time so that the kids
behind them can see the pictures. They often comply because they want to
please their teachers and are beginning to care about their friends.
What Can Parents Do?
What's the Goal? To develop respect for rules and manners.
The early elementary-school years are characterized by a profound respect for authority. Children this age believe their parents and teachers are the arbiters of right or wrong, and they aim to please these important adults. A kindergartner, for example, may have trouble consistently following the rule to avoid calling out--but she will not question the teacher's authority to set that rule. At the park, they may pick up their ice cream wrapper because their parent tells them to, not because they want to keep the park clean for others.
What Can Parents Do?
What's the Goal? To develop an internalized sense of respect for people and surroundings.
As children get older, they receive mixed messages about respect. The
media have a lot to do with this. While parents may urge kids to
respect others' feelings, movies show portray putdowns and body noises as
funny; while teachers convey lessons about tolerance, TV shows
abound with off-color jokes and demeaning sexual stereotypes. Adults can
also be negative role models-if they speak rudely to a waiter, curse at
slow drivers, or treat their own parents disrespectfully. It's not easy for children to sort out these messages.
What Can Parents Do?
What's the Goal? Be a role model for your child and develop a standard of respect that transcends mixed messages they may be getting from pop culture.
Preteens begin to reject the authority of parents and teachers as a way
of establishing their independence. They may question their parent's
right to set rules regarding how many friends can come over their house
or when they have to be picked up at a party. They don't see these rules
as a way of ensuring the safety and comfort of family members; they see
them merely as attacks on their autonomy.
At school, preteens are eager to win the approval of their friends. They may show great kindness toward the kids they like, but be rude and insulting to kids outside their clique. They may even steal or damage others' property because they think that's how to appear cool to their friends. It may be a few years before they regard respect as an overriding moral standard.
What Can Parents Do?
What's the Goal? To foster a sense of right and wrong independent of parental rules.
Much to the chagrin of their parents, young teenagers work out many of their
internal struggles in public. They overtly show disrespect, speaking
nastily to parents and flagrantly disobeying rules. Parents need to
realize, however, that by trying out these behaviors, teens are trying
to find the answers to some key questions: Who am I? What will I become?
What around me truly matters, and therefore deserves my respect?
Parents also need to be aware that teenagers are sensitive. A teen who feels rejected, unpopular, or unsuccessful may likely have little respect for herself, which may lead her to test out more destructive behaviors (such as drinking or taking drugs).
As they reach maturity, teens begin to identify with adults and look ahead to their adult roles. This increases their respect for parents and for those who already know how to function in the world of which they will soon be a part.
What Can Parents Do?
What's the Goal? Your child should begin to use moral reasoning to become a respectful participant in the adult world.