Helping Parents Cope with Losing a Spouse

It’s never easy to lose someone you are close to. Nor is it easy to support a loved one during their time of grief. What if you have to deal with both at the same time? While coming to terms with your own feelings after a loss is hard enough, sometimes you will have the added challenge of providing support to other members of your family as well.

Unfortunately, many adult children have to face the scenario of a losing a parent, while at the same time their other parent will have to work through the loss of their spouse. It is a devastating challenge with no easy solutions for child or grieving parent. But there are strategies to remember that can help ease the difficulty for both of you and allow you to handle the loss in a healthy way. Read on to learn how you can provide support to Mom when you are also mourning Dad.

Remember that there is more than one type of grief.

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Grieving the loss of a spouse is different from grieving the loss of a parent. You have your own individual feelings about the loss of Dad, but you can’t know what Mom is going through. What you can do is remain open and supportive. Also, keep in mind that everyone experiences and demonstrates their grief differently, so you may not know exactly what’s required to lend support.

To best be there for Mom, ask her what she needs. Ask her what type of support she wants and try your best to give it to her. Be understanding and patient. Allow her to express her grief as she needs to. Above all, listen.

Help take care of funeral arrangements.

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A loved one’s passing means making funeral arrangements, notifying financial and government authorities, and contacting family and friends. You and Mom can share these tasks to ease the burden. For example, while you are taking care of estate matters and other administrative duties, Mom can focus on notifying those who are close to her and choosing funeral and memorial products for the ceremony. Perhaps she prefers doing it the other way around, so cater to what will make things easiest for her. Suggest splitting things up or take on the tasks that seem most daunting for Mom, and remember to keep her capabilities in mind.

Take care of the everyday tasks.

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Most families split the tasks needed to run the household. With Dad gone, his responsibilities fall to Mom. She is now faced with an overwhelming number of things to do. Helping Mom with daily and weekly tasks is the perfect way to offer her your support.

Do the grocery shopping, cook a meal, do the laundry or arrange for a service to come mow the lawn. Your help will lift a load off of Mom’s shoulders and help keep her from feeling guilty as work piles up. In the long term, come to an agreement on which responsibilities will be yours and which will be Mom’s. If you or Mom can’t do it yourself, look into the viability of outside resources or other family members and friends for assistance.

Help Mom feel needed.

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If Mom was Dad’s primary caregiver, she likely spent most of her time with him. His death may mean she is left with a void in her life. As C.S. Lewis said in A Grief Observed about the passing of his wife, "Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything."

Mom may be at a loss on what to do with her time. She may feel like she is no longer needed. It is important to help her realize that she is valuable and needed.

Encourage Mom to get out of the house and spend time with friends and family. Help her get back into her hobbies. Go together to volunteer in your community. The more Mom interacts with others, the more she will feel appreciated and supported.

Mom’s house is full of memories, and it can be nice to get away from them for a while. When she is at home, ask if she would like company so that she doesn’t feel alone.

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