In the past few years, a revolutionary "no dating" movement has sprung up, largely through the efforts of a fresh-faced boy next door who bagged dating at age 17 and (amazingly, some teens would say) lived to tell the tale. In his book I Kissed Dating Goodbye (Multnomah, 1997), conference speaker and Christian youth pastor Joshua Harris discusses the hard lessons he learned during his junior high and high school years--lessons that led him to first develop, then pen a book about, a new, spiritually grounded approach to romance that emphasizes personal purity and the glorification of God.
So he dumped dating, you're thinking. Big whoop. The poor guy probably hadn't been on a date in his life.
Au contraire. Described by a reporter from The Baltimore Sun as a "major babe," Harris was a veteran of a two-year dating relationship and had been linked romantically with numerous girls prior to giving his love life the heave-ho. Convinced that the casual dating routines practiced by most teens could lead only to heartache, Harris was determined to find a better way, so he stopped dating and was single for more than five years. At that point he began courting his future wife, which meant spending time together in the presence of a chaperone, and now, at 24, Harris recently celebrated his first wedding anniversary.
Anyone who's gone through a breakup can understand the urge to, at least temporarily, swear off the opposite sex. But surprisingly, many teens whose hearts are intact are willing--even eager--to embrace Harris's philosophy. Influenced by I Kissed Dating Goodbye's teachings, 19-year-old Heather Hlavka has vowed to wait until her wedding day for her first kiss. She says she learned from Harris that, "when you are dating someone before engagement or marriage, it's not their right to use you as an object of their desires." Of her conservative approach to dating, she says, "I don't think there's really a down side. I mean, you can only benefit from it."
Brian Aaby, youth director at First Evangelical Presbyterian Church in Kent, Washington, says that young adults who retreat too far from male-female social interactions "could go into a marriage relationship with idealized views of what their husband or wife should be. Having not gone through the ups and downs, the toughness of the dating relationship, I think they could go into marriage unprepared."
Joel Thomas, a junior at Multnomah Bible College in Portland, Oregon, favors a middle-of-the-road approach. "I don't quite agree with all of Harris's viewpoints," he says. "But I think the overall thrust of the book and the message is very needed, especially right now in our culture. I'll hang out with a gal one-on-one. I have no problem with that at all. But am I going to play the field, date one girl here, see if I like her, move on? No, I wouldn't want to do that in any sense."
Recognizing that many teens will, in fact, choose to date, Jeramy Clark, the associate pastor of student ministries at Tri-Lakes Chapel in Monument, Colorado, has written his own book, I Gave Dating a Chance (due out in February from Waterbrook Press), to help them learn how to honor God while doing so. "What society has said is acceptable is a far cry from what God desires," he says. "But it's kind of like saying, `There's a lot of junk food out there, so don't eat.' Of course there's junk food. But we need to learn how to eat appropriately. We need to respond appropriately in our relationships, so that we know how to interact respectfully with a mate, communicate, resolve conflict, and experience all that comes with developing our own character in a relationship."
Whether you're ready to buy into Harris's brand of non-dating or can't wait to date, both Harris's and Clark's books have something to offer: they can help you work out your own dating philosophy (yes, "philosophy"). It may sound silly, but spending a little time up front thinking about what you want to get out of dating can be a good thing--whether your goals are to honor God or just not to get your heart stomped on. Nothing's foolproof, but these basic guidelines can provide some good food for thought: