A story from Courage Does Not Always Roar.
"In the midst of winter, I found there was an invisible me in the summer."
If you had to pick one word to describe me - it would be "mother." I am the person who hears "mom" in a grocery store and turns around, the one who opens my door to all friends and family and enjoys bringing them into my home and nurturing them. But a tragic event challenged my devotion to mothering. My son, Christopher Robin Hotchkiss, was murdered nearly 14 years ago. As a mother, I wanted to put the band-aid on, give the kisses and make everything fine again. This time, band-aids and kisses would not work
I was making lunch for my brother and a friend when I received the news from the sheriff that my 21-year-old son had been shot and killed by his roommate. I had just seen Christopher a few days earlier. He came to visit and I'd stocked him up with enough food for the week. We did his laundry together and when he left he gave me a huge hug and told me, "I love you, Mom," as his green eyes sparkled.
Shock set in. My body rocked back and forth. I kept saying, "They killed him." I cried rivers of tears. The shock was so much more physical than I'd ever imagined. I felt like I had been run over by a huge tractor trailer truck, without visible bruises or breaks. I was racked with emotions. It all seemed unreal, like a horror movie. But this was VERY REAL!
I realized very quickly our chapter with Christopher in it was over. I wouldn't watch him get married, wouldn't be a grandmother to his children. Our photo albums would not be filled by him and our lives would never be the same. No more memories with Christopher in them. Could this really be?
It is hard to remember everything that day. I did sleep; sleep was a safe place for me to be with my sorrow. I didn't know if I would ever smile again, be happy, feel pleasure, or even be able to walk into a room full of people. The violence of Christopher's death - he was shot with a handgun four times - made it more difficult.
The next morning, I awoke to waves of grief rolling into me, body and soul. My tears could have filled an ocean. I was still in shock. I would go outside just to feel the cold, so I could sense where my body ended.
My "Mother on Earth," Beth, (my biological mother died three days after Christopher was born) said, "You don't have to get over this, ever." That was a comforting thing to hear ... and still is to this day. I was relieved that people did not expect me to "get over" the death of my son. Why would I want to ever "get over" him? He is part of me.
When he heard the news of Christopher's death, another friend told me, "Radha, don't let this man take any more from you. He has taken more than he was ever entitled to. Don't move; go on vacation - LIVE - don't let this man take more from your life and the life of your family."
This was the first time in my life I was not taking care of everyone else. I was the doer in our family, the glue that bound us together. Now it was someone else's turn. I felt the need to give the tragedy of Christopher's murder my full focus and energy. I arranged grounding things for myself, regular massages and short visits with close friends. It was a time I needed to be kind to myself and not feel selfish for doing what I needed to do to get through another day. I learned that the shower and the treadmill were great places to cry, and I realized I had permission to cry anywhere at any time for the rest of my life.
It was a difficult time, coming to grips with the fact that the rest of the world was turning as usual. People drove to work and shopped for dinner while our world was turned upside down. Would life ever be normal again? What was normal? The first time I went into my local grocery store to buy food I remember thinking, "Don't all you people know how much pain I am in?" I realized, of course not. They did not have a clue.
We held a memorial service for Christopher and scattered his ashes on Mt. Tamalpais, where he loved to watch the sunset, under a beautiful and majestic California Bay Tree.
I joined Compassionate Friends two weeks later, a grief group for parents who have lost children. It was very hard for me to walk into the room for my first meeting, though it was good for me not to feel so alone. I took my daughter, Christina, to the meetings with me. It was important to me to include her in everything I did to help with grieving. I also started volunteering with the Trauma Foundation, part of San Francisco General Hospital, to work on gun control.