Reprinted from "The Surrendered Wife: A Practical Guide to Finding Intimacy, Passion, and Peace with Your Man," with permission of Fireside Books.

Think of the distinct differences between a man and a woman as gender contrast. Opposites really do attract, so the higher the contrast, the greater the magnetism between the couple. The more feminine you are, the more masculine your husband will be. For greatest attraction, set your contrast to high.

To do this be as feminine as possible when you're together. Make an effort to be soft, gentle, delicate, and receptive. The more you act like the woman you are, the sexier you'll feel and the more attractive you'll be to your man.

Surrendering All the Way to the Bank

Laura Doyle's best-seller is less about submitting to your husband and more about controlling you, the surrendered consumer.
By Charlotte Allen

Instead of saying "let's have sex" or "we haven't had sex in two weeks," seduce your husband with your manner, your scent, your body, and your voice. There are lots of ways to let him know you're interested without putting a demand on him, so find the ones that work for you and use them when you're in the mood.

High gender contrast in a marriage is what makes things exciting in the bedroom. It means that instead of striving for agreement and sameness, you highlight and appreciate each other's unique characteristics and special traits. Just as we can't see stars without the cover of darkness, so the grandeur of our husband's masculinity is obscured without the foil of our femininity. By being feminine, we allow our husband's masculinity to shine. There can be no yin without yang, but the two together are sweet fulfillment--especially when it comes to sex.

Controlling wives are usually in charge of the contrast knobs because we have taken on so many masculine characteristics that our gender contrast is typically set very low. Your husband will respond to you with low contrast too, so that he matches you. That means he's going to be less attractive to you because he'll seem more feminine. For years we've said that we want men to be more sensitive, but as soon as they start talking about their feelings, we're not as attracted to them. I tell men not to fall for this trap, because what women typically want is a manly man--someone with his gender contrast set high. Of course the best way to have that is to adjust your own control setting. He'll adjust his to match soon enough.

Most couples start their relationship with plenty of gender contrast, which is part of the reason that sex is so exciting initially. But then not only does the novelty wear off, the gender contrast diminishes as you become more sexually aggressive (a masculine characteristic) and he takes less sexual initiative (a feminine characteristic). Suddenly, even reruns of Gilligan's Island are more appealing than lovemaking.

Your physical union will intensify and have greater drama when you set your gender contrast to high. Just as our bodies are perfectly and intricately designed to fit together and bring each other pleasure, a feminine and masculine spirit complement each other brilliantly. Since you're the woman, come to the bedroom as female as possible. That means being soft, delicate, and receptive. Wearing something feminine never hurts either. It also means pretending that you never knew the meaning of ambition, aggression, or...control. It means that instead of being the aggressor in sex, you are the seductress.

Remember that we're more attractive to our husbands when we're soft, tender, vulnerable, and receptive, since those qualities are fundamental to the nature of a woman. Your husband married a woman because it's women--in body, mind, and spirit--who turn him on.

A Demand Is a Demand

In my own marriage, I made the mistake of telling my husband that I didn't think we were making love enough and that I wanted him to initiate it more. Without missing a beat, John told me he would add "have sex with Laura" to his list of chores--right between "take out the trash" and "weed the garden." Clearly he felt I was making a demand for him to perform, and he didn't like it. As you can imagine, this did absolutely nothing to enhance our sex life.

Next, I decided that I would simply take matters into my own hands by saying "let's have sex" when the moment seemed right. Another strikeout. John saw my strategy for what it was--simply another attempt to control an aspect of our marriage. Not surprisingly, John was increasingly reluctant and disinterested.

I had thought that making demands for sex (which all men crave, right?) was different from telling him to make the bed or watch my nephew while my sister and I had lunch. But the truth is, a demand is a demand.

Announcing that I wanted to have sex now created a miserable domino effect. I preferred to be aggressive because I felt more in control, but John was completely turned off. When he didn't respond enthusiastically, I was hurt, and I was less likely to engage in any flirting, playing, or sexual teasing with him, which made the possibility of getting together even more remote.

Join the Discussion
comments powered by Disqus