financial pressures arise. Whether we we are married or in a committed
relationship, our money issues and patterns often collide and create
conflict that can easily lead to disharmony with our mates.
I’ve been working with a lovely couple over the last year whose
marriage was seriously challenged by financial issues. The husband had
lost his job and was having difficulty finding work; the wife felt let
down, betrayed and angry. They could barely speak to one another.
As we worked together they began to understand each other’s core money
issues: She grew up in an alcoholic family, felt alone and abandoned
and has a deep need for stability. He grew up feeling unsupported,
highly criticized and felt he could never do anything right. As
financial pressures mounted, they began to trigger each other’s
insecurities. As the wife became increasingly critical, demanding and
withholding of love and affection, her husband began to shut down
emotionally. His self-esteem became impacted and his job efforts were
This kind of scenario is becoming increasingly common as more and more
couples experience job loss, mounting debts and have trouble making
ends meet. Ultimately, this couple learned how to support each other
through this trying times and they are on solid ground. But I would
like to reach out today to other couples who are struggling.
One of our readers asked for our help for her and her husband who are both
unemployed and having marital problems. Please offer your prayers and
If you, or someone you know, is going through a tough time due to this
financial crisis, here are my Six Survival Steps for Relationships that
will truly help. Remember that now, more than ever, we need our
relationships to provide a loving, supportive shelter from the storm
that is occurring around us.
1. Remember that your core money issues get triggered when you are
under stress, but they did not originate in your marriage. They
represent unhealed wounds from childhood that you each brought into the
relationship. Have compassion for each other and your wounds from the
past. Learn to understand how you trigger one another and then try to
avoid doing so.
2. It is so easy to focus on what’s wrong that we often forget to
remember what’s good in our relationship. Make a list of what is
working in your relationship and what you truly love about your
partner. Share this openly with one another. We all greatly need to be
appreciated and acknowledged.
3. Most financial differences are due to a failure to effectively
communicate our needs, fears and grievances, which tend to accumulate
over time. Learn to talk openly and calmly and without blame. If there
is an issue that is irresolvable, seek the guidance of a therapist or a
4. Respect one another and either accept your differences, or work together to resolve them.
5. Turn to God for guidance and support through daily prayer.
6. I also recommend participating daily in this special process
from the Institute of Heart Math developed by psychologist Deborah
Rozman,called the Quick Coherence Technique®, it is scientifically
proven to you adjust your heart rhythms into a cohesive pattern. It
will help you get your hearts in-sync and nurture your love and
connection. Just follow these simple steps to do reap the benefits of
this profound process.
Step One: Heart Focus – Shift your attention to the area of your heart
and breathe slowly and deeply. (Note: I have found it helps to put your
hand on your heart while doing this.)
Step Two: Heart Breathing – Keep your focus on the heart by gently
breathing – five seconds in and five seconds out – through your heart.
(Note: Do this two or three times together, if possible, while looking
into each others eyes.)
Step Three: Heart Feeling – Activate and sustain a genuine feeling of
love, appreciation or caring for your partner, or something you share
in your life together. Focus on the good heart feeling as you continue
to breathe through the area of your heart.
Do this exercise together daily and you will begin to feel more
connected and at peace in your relationship. Whenever issues arise,
commit to using this practice as a medium for heart-centered
In parting for today, I leave you with this ancient Tibetan blessing:
May you be filled with loving kindness.
May you be well.
May you be peaceful and at ease.
May you be happy.
Peace and Blessings!