THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO ST. AMABO
February 9, 2012
Do you ever wonder where the current occupier of the White House gets his theology? I mean all that creepy stuff about “Jesus wants you to pay more taxes, so I can give your hard-earned money to my good-for-nothing constituents,” ordering the Catholic Church to pay for birth control, giving the keynote speech at a pro-abortion rally, putting Mohammed on a par with Christ… and all the time insisting he’s a Christian.
No, you won’t find any of that in the Bible. But you will find it in a certain religious document whose existence has been kept a secret—until now.
We are talking about a long-lost ancient scroll, the Gospel according to St. Abamo. It was discovered four years ago in an adult bookstore in Chicago, and has been authenticated by a secret committee of experts headed by the Right Reverend Suzie Pantyhose, the first transgender bishop of the Peoples Liberation Church in America.
“The committee’s finding was unanimous,” he, she, or it said. “There wasn’t a single vote against it.”
In addition to Bishop Pantyhose, the committee, described as “very diverse,” consisted of a gay activist, a union organizer, a university professor of gender studies, and a frog.
The committee found that the Gospel of St. Amabo was originally written in Kenya, or maybe Indonesia or Hawaii, and then suppressed, in the 4th century, by “the 1% of racist, bigoted, homophobic churchmen who didn’t like it.” A customer at the adult bookstore found it in an unlikely place, quickly realized its importance, and hand-delivered it to someone in Chicago identified only as “a close friend of the president” and whose initials are Bill Ayres.
Who was St. Amabo? No one really knows. All that can be said of him for certain is that he wrote in English and attended “a famous school of higher education” which never released his grades.
“The fact that he wrote in English centuries before there was an England,” Bishop Pantyhose explained, “just goes to prove that the English language was invented somewhere else.”
In St. Amabo’s Gospel, a character called “Jesus” is depicted as a roving community organizer who collected taxes above and beyond those demanded by the Romans. [Note: We are fully persuaded that this cannot be Jesus Christ Our Lord; but we are not the president. To avoid any hint of blasphemy, let us call this character “Al Linsky.”] Throughout Judea—which he calls Palestine—Al Linsky sets up abortion clinics, prophesies a rise in sea levels due to SUVs and toilet paper, officiates at same-sex weddings, and promises his followers big chunks of other people’s money. He is shown as feasting lavishly on imported Kobe beef, larks’ tongues, and other costly delicacies. Every few weeks, he goes on a luxury vacation paid for by his followers. Sentenced to be crucified, he is pardoned at the last minute and retires to a palatial estate paid for by other people’s money.
“No wonder they suppressed it!” says a close adviser to the president. This person wishes to remain anonymous. He, she, or it added, “Comrade President reads a chapter of St. Amabo every night before he shreds the Constitution. You wouldn’t believe how many lines of his speeches he steals from St. Amabo.”
Among the president’s favorite verses are these.
“And they said unto him, What must we do, to gain eternal life? And he answering said, Sell all that thou hast, give me all the money, and sign up for government health care.”
“Suffer the little children to come unto me, and I will abort them.”
“No man can serve two masters: therefore, serve thou the government, and give me all your money.”
“And when he had fed loaves and fishes to the five thousand, behold: in the next town there were ten thousand who had no loaves and fishes.”
“And the three blind men entreated him, Master, restore our sight. And Al Linsky said unto them, Behold, I will do a thing that will make thee feel even better than having thine own sight restored; and he spoke words of power, and made all the men’s neighbors blind as well. And they rejoiced in that they were now made equal.”
Well, now we know why the president doesn’t bother to go to Jeremiah Wright’s church anymore. He’s found something much better than “God damn America.”
He has discovered “God bleed America, and drain her dry.”
© 2012 Lee Duigon – All Rights Reserved
Lee Duigon, a contributing editor with the Chalcedon Foundation, is a former newspaper reporter and editor, small businessman, teacher, and horror novelist. He has been married to his wife, Patricia, for 34 years. See his new fantasy/adventure novels, Bell Mountain and The Cellar Beneath the Cellar, available on www.amazon.com