“According to the TSA, most of the people protesting the new body search procedures are men. At last they’re getting to see what it’s like to be groped by someone who won’t take no for an answer.” –Jay Leno

“Yesterday a woman wore a bikini to LAX airport hoping to avoid the patdown. She is still being patted down.” –Conan O’Brien

“Have you heard the TSA’s new slogan? ‘We handle more junk than eBay.'” -Jay Leno

“The TSA says they will allow pilots to pass through security more easily than before. I’d be happy if the pilots just went through the breathalyzer.” –Jay Leno

“This year marks the first Thanksgiving in which travelers will get molested before they get to their uncle’s house.” -Seth Meyers

“‘Has anyone handled your bags?’ ‘Yes. You. Right now.'” -Seth Meyers

“The TSA has issued some special packing tips for travelers before Thanksgiving weekend. They say not to bring food, sharp tools, or any shred of dignity.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Hillary Clinton said on CBS that she would not submit to a pat-down, to which Bill Clinton said, ‘Tell me about it.'” –Jay Leno

“The TSA has changed airport security guidelines. Now you can have an extensive body pat-down or a naked scan. I think I speak for everybody when I say, “Hey, why can’t we have both?” –David Letterman

“In San Diego, a man refused to be patted down by airport security and some people are calling him a hero. I don’t mind being patted down by airport security, but I don’t like it when the guy says, ‘Now you do me.'” –Conan O’Brien

“The major pilots unions are complaining about the use of full-body scanners and these pat-down techniques at the airport. Pilots say the searches make it almost impossible for them to smuggle in liquor.” –Jay Leno

“The day before Thanksgiving is National Opt-Out Day, where people are being asked to boycott the TSA’s full-body scanners. Sponsors of the event say people shouldn’t be made to feel embarrassed or uncomfortable while traveling. That’s what Thanksgiving with your family is for.” –Jimmy Fallon

“It was bad enough when the TSA agents would go through your underwear in your luggage. Now they’re going through your underwear while you’re wearing it.” –Jay Leno

“Now, to make it worse, the airlines are charging a $15 molestation fee.” –Jay Leno

“You can opt out of the full-body scan and choose the alternative, letting the TSA touch your T&A. It’s just like an 8th grade basement make-out party, except instead of your mother interrupting, she’s getting stroked in the next line.” –Stephen Colbert

“One of those airport naked scan images ended up on the internet. And you know who it was? Brett Favre. What are the odds?” –Jay Leno

“TSA Chief John Pistole says he and his boss Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano have each personally received the more invasive TSA patdown. They both had it. Ya, it’s been called the world’s least sexy threesome.” –Conan O’Brien

“TSA agents can now feel the inside of passengers’ thighs. I get more action going through airline security than I did all through high school.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“At the airport if you refuse to be patted down, they arrest you. And what’s the first thing they do when they arrest you? They pat you down.” –Jay Leno

David Letterman’s “Top Ten Questions to Ask Yourself Before Becoming a TSA Agent”

10. “Do I need a degree in groping?”
9. “Am I only doing this for the sweet TSA uniform?”
8. “If I find explosive underpants, may I keep them?”
7. “Will I enjoy being cursed at 40 hours a week for minimum wage?”
6. “If I find explosive underpants, may I keep them?” That was No. 8. Who checks these things anyway?
5. “Should I practice by frisking people on the street?”
4. “In five years, whose pants do I see my hands in?”
3. “Do I really want to know what a fat guy’s thighs feel like?”
2. “May I frisk myself?”
1. “What’s the closest airport to Shakira’s house?”

David Letterman’s “Top Ten Ways To Make Airport Security More Pleasant”

10. For $10, screeners will give you luxurious shiatsu massage
9. To your left, x-ray conveyor belt; to your right, complimentary hot buffet
8. Passenger’s naked body scan ends up on YouTube — hey, that joke was in the monologue
7. Anyone caught with something suspicious has to eat it
6. You can watch other passengers get groped for 99 cents a minute
5. Guess the TSA agent’s weight and you can bring any liquid on board
4. Passengers have option to be frisked by security or airport Cinnabon employee
3. Pipe in soft rock classics from the ’70s, ’80s, ’90s, and today
2. Concludes with a good luck pat on the butt
1. Vibrating wands