What I do for you people.
It’s almost 1am, so no review until tomorrow, but some initial impressions.
1) It’s really boring. It’s so boring that by the time you get to the end of the last half hour – which follows the capture of Teabing and covers the Rosslyn Chapel, etc, stuff – whatever came before seems like a totally other movie that happpened a long, long time ago. It was a very odd feeling.
2) Tom Hanks should never speak to Ron Howard again. Or his agent. What a dreadful, dreadful part for him, and I hope his lips have come un-pursed by now. I’m worried about that.
3) So…when did full rear nudity become a part of PG-13 movies? ‘Cept for the lash marks, nice bod, Paul Bettany.
4) I kept wanting big metal arms to come writhing out of Bishop Aringarosa’s cassock so bad. That would have been awesome, and turned this baby completely aound. Someone, please Photoshop that.
5) Do nuns ordinarily run aound London in packs of 10? Just wondering.
6) During the opening sequence, when Sauniere is running though the Louvre, I swear, all I could think of was the trailer to The Norman Rockwell Code. See. Films do have an impact.
7) Jesus was "merely" mortal, but we all need to go kneel at Mary Magdalene’s tomb. Because she’s the wife of Jesus. Who was merely mortal. And she was bearing his baby. So we should go kneel at her tomb. Because she was married to Jesus. Who was merely mortal. But…
8) WHERE IS MARY MAGDALENE’S TOMB? WE’VE GOT TO RACE AROUND EUROPE, KILL PEOPLE, RACK OUR BRAINS TO FIGURE OUT STUPID PUZZLES, STAND AROUND IN RESTROOMS AND VILLAS TALKING FOR HOURS AND HOURS AND HOURS ABOUT WHERE IN THE WORLD MARY MAGDALENE’S RELICS ARE. WHY HAS THE CHURCH HIDDEN THEM? WHY DON’T THEY WANT US TO REVERENCE HER? WHERE IN THE WORLD IS THE SUPER-SECRET SPOT WHERE PILGRIMS CAN FLOCK TO HONOR HER?
7) The reaction at the showing I went to was meh. Here’s what happened. David is in town to help celebrate Katie’s confirmation (last Thursday night). So, we decided to go – he would go see Silent Hill, and I would use my free pass to see DVC. I dropped him off, he went in to Silent Hill, but did not check the board before he did so, to notice that the DVC showing I would go to was sold out. And the girl in the ticket booth just stared at me when I tried to explain that I really didn’t want to go to the 10:20 showing and I needed to tell my son that I couldn’t get in. Hmm.
So, I went ahead and bought the ticket to the later show, hung out, peeking into the theater until the show I’d wanted to attend began – and I mean really began, past the previews, just to assuage my conscience – saw at least 15 empty seats, and grabbed one.
As you would expect, the crowd at this 9:40 show was mostly people in their 20’s, and it was clearly a date movie. And even though it was late when the show let out and people were tired, there was just no end-of-a-good-movie bustle and chatter. The movie ended, the lights went up, and the crowd dispersed in near-silence. I stood at the door and listened to them once they started talking, and this is what I heard several times:
"Did you like it?"
"Eh, it was okay."
So – I’m thinking this will have a sizeable opening weekend, but maybe even get a drop-off as early as Sunday, and for sure will not have repeat business. It’s not going to bomb, but it is definitely not a film that engages or that people are going to fall in love with.
More tomorrow. Or- later today.
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