I swear I wasn’t looking for this, but rather ran across it in a Lexis-Nexis browsing session. It’s from The Financial Times, (1/28 edition) available only to subscribers – a piece by travel writer Fiona Dunlop, who took an Angels and Demons tour in Rome. And found something lacking.

It is the start of the day as I join a motley group of tourists on the steps of Santa Maria del Popolo in Rome. In front of us stands our straw-hatted guide, Dion, a bright- eyed, diminutive New Zealander who we later learn is a recycled psychiatric nurse. Very appropriate. Beside himis a leggy Texan trainee-guide, Sheryl, who will soon demonstrate her cheerleader skills. "So who’s readthe book?" asks Dion. All hands shoot up except mine. They belong totwo elderly Australian women, an American family, a brainy-looking American in his 30s, a pale and timid young Scottish couple, a pair of cheerful middle-aged Scandinavians and a similar British couple: these will be my companions for the next four hours. Together we are to embark on a holy grail – of a ghoulish, distantly literary kind.

Despite being reassured that you don’t need to have read the book, I feel none the wiser after Dion’s outline of the Illuminati sect,their dastardly machinations andthe hero’s symbol-strewn quest -which is to be our morning path.

My companions, however, nod enthusiastically before we troop into Santa Maria del Popolo, home to the Chigi family chapelwhere the Baroque sculptor Bernini (allegedly a leading Illuminati figure) plays a starring role alongside Raphael.

As an afterthought, Dion points out two unrelated masterpieces by Caravaggio beside the altar, although no mention is made of Rome’s first stained glass windows or the frescoes by Pinturicchio, the Borgias’ favourite artist. But hey, this is Dan Brown’s Rome. Luckily, Dion takes his role with a pinch of salt, albeit stressing that this is the only tour "authorised" by the maestro.

[snip]

Symbolic Egyptian obelisks crop up in every piazza we see except Piazza Barberini, our next stop. We are told that this one was removed 20-odd years ago during construction of the metro – a chapter of contemporary historyfor once. After a round of her habitual "Go angels! Go demons!", Sheryl hands out cheap rayon scarves to enable those of us with sinfully unclad shoulders to enter the adjacent Santa Maria della Vittoria.

Interest levels rise palpably as we hear Dion’s salacious account of Santa Teresa’s erotic fantasies, reflectednot only in Bernini’s extraordinary sculpture of her orgasmic "ecstasy", but also in an extract from her writings displayed in English beside it. Far from lost in translation, Dion coyly admits her spiritual wrestling "brought a blush to my cheeks". And of course sculpted angels point us in every direction, apparently mirroring the experience of Dan Brown’s tweed- jacketed hero, Langdon.

At the Pantheon, we are briefly shown Raphael’s tomb and the ingenious oculus of the roof before having a shot of espresso at La Tazza d’Oro, a nearby cafe that, in Dion’s words, is yet another example of Brown-esque "product placement". Bonding sets in as we enter the third hour of our tour. The slick American who turns out to be an IT whizz confesses to having read all four of Brown’s books and enthuses about touring the setting of "the best and most fast-paced". For me, however, confusion is deepening as the enigmas pile up and seraphic arrows change direction. Then it’s on to the Piazza Navona where, besides yet another obelisk and the iconic baroque fountain ("symbolising what?" – "yes, water!"), there follows some elementary geography: "So what river could represent the continent of Asia?" We mop our brows; eventually the Ganges is mentioned.

She concludes, "I’d rather have real history." And this is what is so sad and so maddening about this phenomenon – isn’t it? As millions are determined to find Leonardo’s codes, the miss Leonardo’s art and real brilliance. As tourists look for where Robert Langdon stood, they miss Caravaggio. As Jesus’ royal bloodline and marriage are analyzed, Blessed are the poor is ignored.

And as to that last point – no wonder The Da Vinci Code is popular. The DVC Jesus goes down a whole lot easier then that other one, doesn’t he?