The Queen of My Self

The Queen of My Self

Beauty Redefined – Part 1

posted by Donna Henes

It is summer, hot and horny, and I am on a roll. So I am going to continue this theme of beauty, attraction, seduction, sex, love and self-love until I run out of content — or steam, whichever comes first. By Karinna Kittles www.SacredLove.com What is your current definition of beauty. Is it 5’9, blonde hair, blue eyes, skinny and full breasts, or the male version 6 foot tall, broad shoulders, a perfect smile, perfect teeth, and a super athletic body. If there is a yes or a maybe in your mind, where do you find yourself in those definitions? How do you measure up? At the high there is about 2% of the population that meet all the above criteria and blessings to them. These physical types and other similar ones are valued more in our society than almost any other. so where does that leave the rest of us. If you find that you are always comparing yourself to these kinds of images and feeling yourself less than perfect, you are not alone. More and more women are feeling the effects of fear-based advertising. This is advertising and TV that perpetuates the age myth, the size myth, and the beauty myth. Companies that use these tactics, feed low self esteem and teach unreachable idealism, creating a society which is unsatisfied with itself and one obsessed with outer perfection. Do you find you minimize valuable parts of yourself such as health, emotions, talents and abilities for the importance of the outer physique? You can discover your answer, by how much time you spend on each of these areas during the course of your day. If you are shocked by your findings, you are awakening, I believe we have been conditioned to equate the media and beauty industries approved images with health, talent, financial freedom, love and sex. The core elements that most all of us aspire to. Placing primary importance on our outer appearance is valuing the effect over the cause, in other words appreciating the wrapping paper more than the gift. Exterior emphasis denies the whole, the truth, the soul and our uniqueness, creating feelings of fear, anger, jealousy, self hatred, judgments of inferiority and superiority, worthiness and worthlessness, depression, eating disorders, competition, entrapment, and quiet desperation. Although I had been on a spiritual quest most of my life, it wasn’t until about 5 years ago that my spirit made a dramatic choice and my ego made a semiconscious choice to begin valuing my authentic self more fully. Until then, as an adult, I had depended on my outer appearance for my livelihood, lovability and value. Still strongly in denial that the outer imagery I was participating in and witnessing was effecting me negatively, I simultaneously began to feel little desire to continue modeling or acting and overnight I became ill. My illness took me on a two-year journey that forced me to stop working, be in bed and look at myself. I began to move my attention from my outer reality to my inward reality, taking small steps to face my anger, self-hatred and unworthiness. Monday: Beauty Redefined – Part 2 * *** Donna Henes is the author of The Queen of My Self: Stepping into Sovereignty in Midlife. She offers counseling and upbeat, practical and ceremonial guidance for individual women and groups who want to enjoy the fruits of an enriching, influential, purposeful, passionate, and powerful maturity. Consult the MIDLIFE MIDWIFE™ The Queen welcomes questions concerning all issues of interest to women in their mature years. Send your inquiries to thequeenofmyself@aol.com.

Loving Our Bodies

posted by Donna Henes

It is summer, hot and horny, and I am on a roll. So I am going to continue this theme of beauty, attraction, seduction, sex, love and self-love until I run out of content — or steam, whichever comes first.

Lately, like many of you, I have been waging an assault on clutter. I have been digging into the recesses of my closets, drawers and shelves and tossing, recycling and reclaiming my possessions. During this frenzy I came upon some old photograph albums and took a break to sit down with them.

I sorted through pictures that I had not seen in decades and to my shock and delight, I discovered that I was quite a good looking young woman.

Who knew? Not me. I was never happy about my appearance. Never satisfied with my face and body. Would that I had that strong, supple, sexy body now.

What a waste!

This is nothing new, of course. In my experience most women don’t see and appreciate their own beauty. There is always something to complain about. To fret over. To work on.

The Dove® Soap Company has a wonderful program called Dove® Movement for Self-Esteem. Their slogan is, “Imagine a world where beauty is a source of confidence, not anxiety.”

They recently funded a study called “The Real Truth About Beauty: Revisited.” The research found that:

Only 4% of women around the world consider themselves beautiful (up from 2% in 2004).

Only 11% of girls globally are comfortable using the word beautiful to describe themselves

72% of girls feel tremendous pressure to be beautiful.

70% of  girls believe they are not good enough or do not measure up in some way, including their looks, performance in school and relationships with friends and family members.

57% of all girls have a mother who criticizes her own looks

67% of girls ages 13 – 17 turn to their mother as a resource when feeling badly about themselves compared to 91% of girls ages 8 – 12

80% of women agree that every woman has something about her that is beautiful but do not see their own beauty.

More than half (54%) of women globally agree that when it comes to how they look, they are their own worst beauty critic.

How sad is that? And how stupid given the overwhelming number of beautiful women and girls on every corner in every country.

I serendipitously found the following quote in the fabulous book, Pigs in Heaven by Barbara Kingsolver:

“When I was in my thirties, I had these little square hips left over from being pregnant and I just hated it. I kept thinking, ‘All those years before, I had a perfect glamour-girl body, and I didn’t spend one minute appreciating it, because I thought my nose had a bump in it.’ And now that I’m old, my shoulder hurts and I don’t sleep good and my knuckles swell up, and I think, ‘All those years in my thirties and forties I had a body where everything worked perfect. And I didn’t spend one minute appreciating it because I thought I had square hips.’”

So, sister Queens, let’s start making lists of what we love about ourselves, our appearance, our personality, our presence. Let’s make really long lists.

What do you love about you?

* ***
Donna Henes is the author of The Queen of My Self: Stepping into Sovereignty in Midlife. She offers counseling and upbeat, practical and ceremonial guidance for individual women and groups who want to enjoy the fruits of an enriching, influential, purposeful, passionate, and powerful maturity. Consult the MIDLIFE MIDWIFE™

The Queen welcomes questions concerning all issues of interest to women in their mature years. Send your inquiries to thequeenofmyself@aol.com.

 

Cougar Queen – Part 2

posted by Donna Henes

It is summer, hot and horny, and I am on a roll. So I am going to continue this theme of beauty, attraction, seduction, sex, love and self-love until I run out of content — or steam, whichever comes first.

I came across this article in the Palm Springs Desert Sun:

Desert Cougar Crowned Queen of the Singles Jungle
By Mariecar Mendoza
http://www.mydesert.com

New York-based relationship expert Whitney Casey understands their sentiments.

Casey is the Relationship Insider for Match.com, a dating website with nearly a quarter of their 1.9 million members age 50 and older making it the fastest-growing demographic for the site.

“A lot of people qualify it as a bedroom moniker, but it really isn’t. It’s more about being free-spirited, liberated — not just in the bedroom, but in life in general,” Casey said.

“I think women who get called a cougar should embrace it.”

Palm Springs resident Dorothy Kloss, 87, has done just that.

“They come up with all the buzz words because it’s the name of the game,” she said. “But I’ve been in the game longer than most people.”

Kloss, who said she’s always dated younger men, has been with her cub, Ken Prescott, for 12 years.

But Prescott, while flattered, admits he’s not what people typically picture when talking about cubs — he’s 65.

The couple met at The Fabulous Palm Springs Follies, where Kloss worked her way into the Guinness Book of Records as the oldest living showgirl in the world.

“I think it’s funny that it’s become such a phenomenon because it’s been our way of life for years,” Prescott said.

Kloss does admit that “it keeps you young when you find companionship with someone who’s active.”

Casey said that seems to ring true for many cougars, who often describe cougar-cub relationships as “facelifts for life.”

Lucia, a self-proclaimed cougar, said cougars are “an endorsement for living a healthy lifestyle.”

“We’re talking about older women who look young. They’re attractive, in shape and just on top of all it,” said Lucia, a Los Angeles-based dating expert who specializes in cougar relationships on urbancougar.com, billed as the world’s first cougar lifestyle website.

Lifestyle trends such a nutritional diets, Pilates and Botox have been spurred by cougars, she added.

“They show that those who take care of themselves can look great well after their 20s and can reap the rewards for it well into their 60s,” said Lucia, who goes professionally by only one name.

And it’s not just a fad, she said.

“If a woman is hot, no matter what the age, guys are going to be interested — and beautiful women are turning 40 every day,” Lucia said.

“They’re out of their den and they’re not going back.”

* ***
Donna Henes is the author of The Queen of My Self: Stepping into Sovereignty in Midlife. She offers counseling and upbeat, practical and ceremonial guidance for individual women and groups who want to enjoy the fruits of an enriching, influential, purposeful, passionate, and powerful maturity. Consult the MIDLIFE MIDWIFE™

The Queen welcomes questions concerning all issues of interest to women in their mature years. Send your inquiries to thequeenofmyself@aol.com.

Cougar Queen – Part 1

posted by Donna Henes

It is summer, hot and horny, and I am on a roll. So I am going to continue this theme of beauty, attraction, seduction, sex, love and self-love until I run out of content!

I came across this article in the Palm Springs Desert Sun:

Desert Cougar Crowned Queen of the Singles Jungle
By Mariecar Mendoza
http://www.desertsun.com/

Cougars have been roaming the Coachella Valley for years, sleek, fit and ready to pounce — or to be pounced on.

But they’re not the mountain lion variety. These cougars are women in their middle years or older, who are sexy, confident and sophisticated.

“The modern older woman is not your mommy or your grandma anymore,” said Palm Desert resident Judy Steinberg, author of “Fabulous After 50 and Sexy at 60.” “We have evolved socially because Baby Boomers have turned everything upside down.”

From Hollywood stars like Demi Moore, Mariah Carey and Courtney Cox — who plays a hot divorcee in ABC’s “Cougar Town” (the second season wrapped up Wednesday) — women over 40 have become a hot commodity in the singles scene.

And 73-year-old Aalsa Lee of Palm Springs is just one of the hottest examples.

The great-grandmother of two was recently crowned Miss Cougar America by the Society of Single Professionals, a Bay Area-based group that boasts it’s the “world’s largest nonprofit singles organization.”

“I never considered myself a cougar, but it seems to be a title that has stuck with me,” Lee said, laughing. “But I’m a natural-born flirt, so it all comes easy.”

Lee, who earned the crown April 29 at a Cougar Convention in New York, is the oldest Miss Cougar America the organization has crowned since hosting its annual conventions in 2009, said Rich Gosse, chairman of the Society of Single Professionals.

“It just blew our minds. We’ve never had any woman that age win the title, but we’re delighted,” Gosse said.

“It really says something about how older women are changing the dating scene.”

Cougars are generally defined as women 40 and older who continue to remain youthful, fun and active enough to attract younger men — or “cubs” — at least 10 years their junior.

“It’s hard to find men around my age that are still active and interesting,” Lee said, admitting that she once dated a man 30 years younger. “Most the guys my age are either dead or on their way.”

Gosse, author of “The Cougar Imperative,” said that’s exactly why the cougar-cub relationship is such an obvious solution to the usual dating rut older women find themselves in when they stick to tradition.

Another benefit of cougar relationships, experts say, is that there’s less drama.

“The baggage is so minimal compared to what the young woman can bring to a relationship,” said Steinberg, who is working on a new book titled “The Cougar Chronicles” which will be a collection of cougars from Hollywood starlets to royalty and beyond.

“She’s not going to bring you home for an examination by her parents. Most of the time they don’t exist,” Steinberg said. “And you don’t have to worry about her wanting kids because she’s already been there, done that.”

But for local cougars, and even former cougars like Steinberg — who said she’s happily “occupied the cougar role in my life” — they’ve been disappointed by how cougars are perceived.

“It’s evolved into any horny 40-year-old woman who wants to be with a college kid, and that’s just tacky,” the 68-year-old said.

Lee agrees and emphasizes that cougars shouldn’t be seen as “the predatory female.”

“We’re not on the prowl looking to attack these young, hapless men,” she said. “They find us.”

Monday: Desert Cougar Queen – Part 2

* ***
Donna Henes is the author of The Queen of My Self: Stepping into Sovereignty in Midlife. She offers counseling and upbeat, practical and ceremonial guidance for individual women and groups who want to enjoy the fruits of an enriching, influential, purposeful, passionate, and powerful maturity. Consult the MIDLIFE MIDWIFE™

The Queen welcomes questions concerning all issues of interest to women in their mature years. Send your inquiries to thequeenofmyself@aol.com.

 

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