Beliefnet
The Queen of My Self

Recently one of my Midlife Midwife™ Counseling clients called me in hysterics from the supermarket. This was her first shopping excursion since her last child left home. She had been long divorced and now her nest was completely empty. As she wheeled her cart up and down the isles, she realized that she didn’t have the slightest idea what to buy.

While she was practiced in selecting foods for her family, always considering each person’s likes, dislikes and allergies, it had been a quarter of a century since she had asked herself what she wanted to eat. And she panicked at the prospect.

We are now emerging from decades of caring for others, and many of us are at a total loss as to how to care for ourselves. It is crucial that we redirect back into ourselves some of the love and strength that we give so freely to others.

By middle age, most of us have lost already, or will soon lose, our parents, perhaps even our spouses, best friends and significant others. Who will mother us now? Who will take care of us, or more important, maybe, who will even care whether we take care of ourselves?

Now is the time for us to learn how to be our own caring best friend, sister, daughter, mother and devoted advocate. And this is our chance to be the sort of parent that we always wanted — for me it was the cheerful, optimistic, fun-loving Mary Poppins that my little girl-Self needed so badly.

But whatever our childhood was like, that was then and this is now. Now, we can give ourselves the unconditional love and support that we had or did not have as we were growing up. We can and must assume the responsibility to feed, nurture, encourage and comfort ourselves, to pamper and challenge ourselves, to whisper into our own ear each night as we slip off to sleep, “Good night, honey. I love you.”

Think about your daily habits. Are they healthy? Are they helpful? What improvements might you make in your diet, your exercise program, your work environment, your family life, your friendships, your thought patterns, or in other aspects of your routine to improve your well-being?

If you decide to make changes in your life, be realistic in your expectations. Your goal is not to be as you were at thirty. It is to be your best Self today and tomorrow.

Adopt the changes you decide on with your full intention and focused attention. If you want a certain result, you must work to actualize it. I know. Sad, but true!

Think about caring for yourself as an act of love, rather than an odious duty. Isn’t that how you care for others? Attitude is all. Your self-care is, after all, strictly a gift you are giving to your Self. You know how to nurture. Now it is your turn to receive it.

Take Good Care:

•    Eat well — not too much, not too little — and allow yourself to take pleasure in your food. Feed your body with nutrients and your soul with color, taste and sensory delight.

•    Sleep well. Sleep enough. Then sleep some more. Nap if you can.

•    Exercise your body and your mind. And also your creativity, your intuition, your sense of adventure and the full scope of your options.

•    Oil your rusty parts. Water what is dry. Polish your surfaces. Stretch your body, your imagination and your self-imposed limits. Tickle your fancy.

•    Don’t worry about the future. Worrying is like praying for what you don’t want. Let go of past resentments. Be here now. Take it all in and remember to exhale.

•    Do things you enjoy. Have some fun. Play. Laugh. Be silly.

•    Treat yourself with respect and honor. Watch your inner language. Support your dreams, encourage your goals, allow yourself to be proud of your achievements. Bless your Self.

•    Mark your boundaries and don’t be afraid to defend them. Honor your needs. Fulfill your desires. Give yourself the time, the space and the permission to do so.

•    Advocate for your ideals. Stand up for what you believe. Speak your truth. Walk your talk. Put your money where your mouth is.

•    Make every thought, every word, every action, every second count. This is your life!

Like the excellent mother, creator, organizer, administrator, mentor you are, be patient with yourself. Change is slow and you are human.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty.

Empty what’s full. And scratch where it itches.

– Alice Roosevelt Longworth

*****

Donna Henes is the author of The Queen of My Self: Stepping into Sovereignty in Midlife. She offers counseling and upbeat, practical and ceremonial guidance for individual women and groups who want to enjoy the fruits of an enriching, influential, purposeful, passionate, and powerful maturity. Consult the MIDLIFE MIDWIFE™

The Queen welcomes questions concerning all issues of interest to women in their mature years. Send your inquiries to thequeenofmyself@aol.com.

 

 

 

 

I am about to publish the 53rd issue of The Queen’s Chronicles, the monthly Ezine that offers upbeat, practical and ceremonial inspiration for all women who want to enjoy the fruits of an influential, passionate and powerful maturity.

Each issue of The Queen’s Chronicles features:

Hail Queens!

Musings and commentary by Queen Mama Donna on all aspects of sovereignty and empowerment.

 Queens and Sheros

Stories about exemplary role models who have displayed extraordinary valor and moral authority throughout time and across cultures.

Articles of Special Interest

To Self-identified, Self-expressed women, Self-motivated women of a certain age.

Poetry and Artwork

Creative offerings by Queens, both contemporary and historical.

The Queen’s Court

A virtual gathering of sovereign women — our dear peers — who graciously offer guidance and encouragement to each other.

Kudos to the Queens

Congratulations to Queens in our ever-expanding circles for their successes and proud accomplishments.

Circle of Concern

A listing of Queens who request positive energy and spiritual support in aid of their healing.

Where the Queens Are

Featuring reports of their endeavors and exploits sent in by our Sister Queens around the world.

Calendar

A listing of Queen workshops and special events.

Royal Resources for Queenly Women

Our extended circle of Queens includes some mightily talented women. Here is an index of their superior services and excellent products.

For your reading pleasure, the first 52 issues of The Queen’s Chronicles are archived at www.thequeenofmyself.com.

To register for your complimentary subscription, simply send me an email at thequeenofmyself@aol.com or visit www.thequeenofmyself.com to sign up.

*****

Donna Henes is the author of The Queen of My Self: Stepping into Sovereignty in Midlife. She offers counseling and upbeat, practical and ceremonial guidance for individual women and groups who want to enjoy the fruits of an enriching, influential, purposeful, passionate, and powerful maturity. Consult the MIDLIFE MIDWIFE™

The Queen welcomes questions concerning all issues of interest to women in their mature years. Send your inquiries to thequeenofmyself@aol.com.

 

 

 

We are the Queens of our Self. What does that mean? What is the Self?

The Self is the sum of all of our parts, and holistically, it is greater than the sum of all of our parts. The fluid Self transcends time and space, expanding and shape-shifting, changing and adapting to accommodate the possibility of all possibility. Our Self is the artful patchwork of our own lives designed from the wild and wonderful patterns of our own personality and experiences, and crafted from our individual inner authority.

Here are some words of Self-wisdom by some very wise women:

 

“We have all a better guide in ourselves, if we would attend to it, than any other person can be.”

– Jane Austen

 

“Doubt yourself and you doubt everything you see. Judge yourself and you see judges everywhere. But if you listen to the sound of your own voice, you can rise above doubt and judgement. And you can see forever.”

– Nancy Kerrigan

 

“It took me a long time not to judge myself through someone else’s eyes.”

– Sally Field

 

“Falling, falling, falling, falling down. Look yourself in the eye before you drown.”

– Emily Saliers, Indigo Girls

 

“Our goal while on this earth is to transcend our illusions and discover the innate power of our spirit.”

– Caroline Myss

 

The authentic self is the soul made visible.

– Sarah Ban Breathnach

 

“In our natural state, we are glorious beings. In the world of illusion, we are lost and imprisoned, slaves to our appetites and our will to false power.”

– Marianne Williamson

 

“If you do not tell the truth about yourself you cannot tell it about other people.”

– Virginia Woolf

 

“Every problem can be solved with the proper application of the means at hand. Maybe not easily, happily, cheaply or painlessly – but it can be done if you have the will; you already have the means – yourself!”

-Joanne Siewert

 

“It is easier to live through someone else than to become complete yourself.”

-Betty Friedan

 

“I didn’t leave Sonny for another man. I left for another woman. Me.”

– Cher

 

“The bright shining

only reflects back to myself,

my own light blinding me.

I can’t see the world and they can’t see me.”

– Anna Chrisrest

 

“Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else.”

– Judy Garland

 

“Since you are like no other being ever created since the beginning of time, you are incomparable.”

– Brenda Uleland

 

“At some point in my life, I swallowed a Sun. And now it dawns and sets in my belly.”

– Erika Harris,

 

“My heart filled with love, flowing over with joy, my own little drum that I like to march by!”

Gunda Fijnje-Nolan

 

“I took a deep breath and listened to the old bray of my heart. I am. I am. I am.”

– Sylvia Plath

 

What is your experience of your Self? How would you describe it?

*****

Donna Henes is the author of The Queen of My Self: Stepping into Sovereignty in Midlife. She offers counseling and upbeat, practical and ceremonial guidance for individual women and groups who want to enjoy the fruits of an enriching, influential, purposeful, passionate, and powerful maturity. Consult the MIDLIFE MIDWIFE™

The Queen welcomes questions concerning all issues of interest to women in their mature years. Send your inquiries to thequeenofmyself@aol.com.

 

The idea that we might be Queens is intoxicating. Ever since I first started introducing The Queen as a helpful archetype for midlife women in my workshops and articles some eight years ago, I have received thousands of requests for detailed instructions on how to become a Queen. “Dear Mama Donna,” women would write, “I want to be a Queen, too. How do I access my power? How can I feel good about myself? How do I change my life? How do I find magic and spiritual wisdom? How do I know what to do? How do I learn how to rule?”

Indeed. How are women supposed to know how to own our own sovereignty? We certainly haven’t been taught. World mythology abounds with inspiring examples of beautiful and adventurous Maidens, compassionate and nurturing Mothers (as well as some devouring ones) and wise and wily Crones. But shining examples of powerful midlife Queens are in short supply.

There are no rules, no recipes, no prescriptions, no instruction manuals, no precise formulas to follow when it comes to pursuing the daunting process of Stepping into Sovereignty. This does not, however, mean that anything goes. Just as in life itself, everything counts. Every single solitary thing that we do or don’t do, think or don’t think, matters. This is the bottom line of our responsibility — to ourselves and to others.

Our intentions have to be perfectly pure and our attention to the details of our process has to be focused and disciplined, and in exact alignment with our intentions. The quality of our engagement needs to be really right, not according to the standards of anyone else, but only according to our own inner truth.

Although the Queen is an excellent role model and source of inspiration, we don’t need a teacher or a guru to tell us what we should do for our Self-development, or how we need to change and grow. Each of us knows perfectly well what is right for us. Informed by the four parts of our being — physical, mental, emotional and spiritual — we know in our heart, our mind, our gut, and our soul when something is right, because it feels right. And when something feels wrong, we certainly know that, too. The answers to our confusion and questions, our yearnings and longings, are right here inside of us where we keep them safe and warm.

Our lessons, and our understanding of them, are often not immediately available or obvious to us. They often come encoded in signs and symbols that seem like a foreign language. But, no matter how difficult, it is up to us to access them, if we dare. If we care to earn our sovereignty, we must excavate the buried treasure of our own value and infinite worth. Our coming into power depends upon it.

The caveat is that this thrilling post-menopausal period of vitality, renewed energy, enhanced self-esteem, optimism and enthusiasm only comes to us in direct proportion to the intensity of our own conscious and conscientious engagement in the process and consequences of our transformation.

If we do take up the challenge to explore and mine the depths of our Selves, we will discover the unexpected caverns of courage, phosphorescent pools of passion and glittering, crystal-rich veins of gem-like wisdom running through their passages and crevices. All we need are the right tools to get at them, extract them, and polish them. And I don’t know about you, but nobody ever told me that it was going to be easy.

It always comes down to the same necessity: go deep enough and there is a bedrock of truth, however hard.

– May Sarton

*****

Donna Henes is the author of The Queen of My Self: Stepping into Sovereignty in Midlife. She offers counseling and upbeat, practical and ceremonial guidance for individual women and groups who want to enjoy the fruits of an enriching, influential, purposeful, passionate, and powerful maturity. Consult the MIDLIFE MIDWIFE™

The Queen welcomes questions concerning all issues of interest to women in their mature years. Send your inquiries to thequeenofmyself@aol.com.