Beliefnet
The Queen of My Self

 

Tuesday I featured a piece by a young women who is struggling with releasing her “inner mean girl.”
The following is by a mature Queen who is dealing with the same issue. They are both succeeding!

 

Conquering The Evil Queen
By Blair Glaser

Not too long ago, I was in a perpetual state of feeling sorry for myself. Seeing that I was feeling sorry for myself, and knowing that self-pity is not useful, did not shift the situation at all. In fact, it made it worse; somehow the feeling that I should be able to choose a higher way of looking at the circumstances in my life became another way to feel bad about myself. Analyzing the situation was hopeless. I felt stuck, and I was sure I was going to remain that way forever.

The content of my malaise was about as common and stereotypical as you can get: reasonably attractive, brainy and soulful woman, still single on the brink of forty, with no husband or family (things I had wanted since my early thirties) in sight. Loneliness, in conjunction with a sense that I had failed miserably at my life despite copious amounts of self-inquiry and growth, began to takeover. Caught in a dreaded loop, the more that time passed, the more my negative feelings were enforced.

I knew I had many things in my life that were amazing, yet somehow I was not able to appreciate them. Through the help of a brilliant mentor who knows my sensibilities and who has cultivated the talent of asking the right questions, I was reminded that I had always followed and pursed growth above all things. In his reflections I saw the many opportunities for family life that I had passed up in favor of something more congruent to my exploratory nature. In a spirit of creativity and play, he invited me to envision, as a character, the part of me that liked to interpret my present situation as a failure; the part that was a cruel killer of hope, and to come up with an image that represented it. The idea was that if I could see and name the enemy, I could conquer it.

The image that came to me almost immediately was the evil Queen from snow white. You know, “Mirror, mirror on the wall whose the fairest . . .?” I began to study her. I found pictures of her on the Internet. I reread Snow White. I discovered that the evil Queen not only wanted to kill the younger, fairer Snow White, but she wanted her heart in a box. That narcissistic bitch wanted the young ingénue’s heart. Hmmmm.

Well, that was it. I wasn’t go to spend another second giving my precious heart over to some inner witch who wanted to kill me and steal it. It was mine, and I was ready to keep it protected for good.

I began to print out pictures of the Queen and paste them around my house in particular places where she might be lurking, waiting to pounce on my vitality. I stuck her on the bathroom mirror, which never fails to remind me of my age in a negative way. I stuck her on my computer, for the times when I log on and into pictures of other people’s happy families and then fall prey to comparison mode. If I went to visit my sister and her beautiful family, I would bring the Queen with me in the car, so that when she would be waiting to bring me down after the visit, I could anticipate her being there and jockey for position on the inner throne of my being, reminding myself that being different from my sister was OK. As I outmaneuvered the Queen, I was encouraged by my sense of power in the matter. I could choose to fight her and keep hope alive.

At first I would catch myself in an inner headlock with her, and sometimes she would win and I would end up flat out on my back. It took a few months, but I now have the upper hand, and since I got her game, I have not spent more than a few minutes at a time in the clutches of this inner enemy. Truthfully I find her boring and pathetic, which is hard to believe, since at one time, she was so compelling.

And, sorry to make it a “fairy tale” ending, but the space left in my being by her absence has been filled by a wonderful intimacy; first with a new part of myself, and more recently with a prince of sorts.

If you are suffering from self-loathing, I encourage you to name it, see it and fight it. Outsmart it. Kill for your hope. Your heart is worth fighting for. Win it back from the clutches of darkness.

* Please send me your thoughts about power. Also stories of your own empowerment. When shared, these ideas and examples are extremely inspiring to others. Thanks.

***
The Queen welcomes questions concerning all issues of interest to women in their mature years. Send your inquiries to thequeenofmyself@aol.com.

CONSULT THE MIDLIFE MIDWIFE™
Queen Mama Donna offers upbeat, practical and ceremonial guidance for individual women and groups who want to enjoy the fruits of an enriching, influential, purposeful, passionate, and powerful maturity.

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The Journey
By Mary Oliver

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice —
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
“Mend my life!”
each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as your strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do —
determined to save
the only life you could save.

* Please send me your thoughts about power. Also stories of your own empowerment. When shared, these ideas and examples are extremely inspiring to others. Thanks.

***
The Queen welcomes questions concerning all issues of interest to women in their mature years. Send your inquiries to thequeenofmyself@aol.com.

CONSULT THE MIDLIFE MIDWIFE™
Queen Mama Donna offers upbeat, practical and ceremonial guidance for individual women and groups who want to enjoy the fruits of an enriching, influential, purposeful, passionate, and powerful maturity.

http://www.donnahenes.net/queen/consult.shtml

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Here is some wisdom about learning to love your Self that was written by a junior at Mills College. Bless her heart for trying to learn at such a tender age what many women are still struggling with in their mature years. She is certainly a Queen-to-be!

Self-Love Cleanse: Loving the Inner Mean Girl
By Tymeesa Rutledge

This post will discuss the importance of having the relationship with oneself. A self-love journey is about loving myself for all of the insecurities and flaws I have.

I never thought about my negative voice being my “inner mean girl.” But, that’s definitely what she is. A total mean girl! She constantly tells me I won’t finish my homework on time, that I’ll never have a “good boyfriend” or be a “good friend” because I didn’t deserve any of it.

While all of us has an inner mean girl, the manifestation is a little different for everyone. Sometimes there are “inner mean sisters” thriving inside you — six of them in total. Maybe you have the mean girl that tells you “You got an ‘A-’ when you should have gotten an ‘A.’” Christine likes to call her the “achievement junkie” because nothing she ever achieves is good enough.

Or, maybe she or her sister’s the “comparison queen.” You know, that mean girl that tells you “You’ve been on television when you were 21. Big deal! Oprah has been on television since she was only 20.”

Whatever your inner mean girl says to you, her words come from a place of past hurt. Maybe, like me, you’ve been disappointed in past relationships with ex-partners. Maybe you’re still carrying baggage that needs to be dropped off at your local UPS storage that you can come and visit whenever you like versus being the hoarding “bag lady.”

If you have any of these mean girls or their sisters Judy Jealousy, Heather the Hater, etc., you can join me in the Self-Love Cleanse.

The Self-Love Cleanse is a 40-day journey in which you commit yourself to loving YOU.

When my inner mean girl says “Tymeesa, you’ll never do that” or “you’re not organized enough,” I tell her that I love her and ask myself “What am I afraid of?” The Self-Love Cleanse is a personalized journey. You can choose and make up whatever works for you.

Like I mentioned earlier, I’ve been disappointed many times in my life by family, friends, boyfriends — you name it! But, my inner mean girl doesn’t want me to get hurt again. As a defense mechanism, she says mean things out of fear or insecurity. I understand where she is coming from. So instead of hating her, I will love her.

The self-love cleanse can be done for yourself as well. It’s a daily battle. It’s moment by moment. Situation by situation, girl.

Self-Love Cleanse: 10 Things to Do for the Next 40 Days

1. Write 108 things that you like about yourself.

2. Start your morning with gratitude. Look out the window and admire nature.

3. Talk to her (the inner self) in the morning. Tell her that you love her. Then, take that inner pause.

For the last week, I’ve been saying “I love you Tymeesa” three times every morning.

4. When people compliment you, accept the compliment and build a conversation around it. Really receive it! You’re not a bad person acknowledging that you’re cool.

5. Appreciate all of the things you have –- whether it’s your friendships, food, water, shelter, etc.

6. Drink a cup of tea to relax your soul in the morning. Tea really relaxes me so I start my day in a good state.

7. I write a morning prayer in my journal and thank God for what he’s done for me. If you pray or meditate, take the word “more” out of it.

For example: Instead of asking “God, let me be more loving,” ask God to continue to allow you “to be loving.” You are accepting yourself as you are right now.

8. During the day — lunch, mid-day or afternoon — celebrate 3-5 things that you’ve done so far. You will be surprised at how much you accomplish.

9. Be present.

I have a problem with this one because I’m always thinking in the past or future. But, I have to appreciate the moment. Why? If your mindset is in the past, you’ll be overcome with regret and if you’re thinking too much about the future, anxiety will consume you.

10. Because those are not positive feelings, you should let them go!

Good luck.

And good luck to you, Tymessa, you are well on your way to an excellent Self-esteem!

 

* Please send me your thoughts about power. Also stories of your own empowerment. When shared, these ideas and examples are extremely inspiring to others. Thanks.

***
The Queen welcomes questions concerning all issues of interest to women in their mature years. Send your inquiries to thequeenofmyself@aol.com.

CONSULT THE MIDLIFE MIDWIFE™
Queen Mama Donna offers upbeat, practical and ceremonial guidance for individual women and groups who want to enjoy the fruits of an enriching, influential, purposeful, passionate, and powerful maturity.

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I just returned from Neversink, NY where I was honored to offer blessings for the lovely Walk for Water ritual political pilgrimage oranized by Queen Chrys Countryman.
Here is a description of the project in her own words:

Walk for Water
by Chrys Countryman

A new process for extracting natural gas from the earth, called fracking, makes the beautiful area in which we live attractive to mining companies. Unfortunately there appears to be serious consequences to the environment both above and below ground with this technology.

We are fortunate and grateful to live in a region of abundant water. To allow this enduring and essential resource to be squandered in exchange for short-term benefits is madness. The quality of life we leave behind is our legacy to future generations. Without clean water there is no quality of life. Therefore we are moved to put one foot in front of another to illustrate our concerns.

In response to this outrage, I have organized a group of women to walk approximately 90 miles from Neversink, NY to Salt Springs State Park in Susquehanna County PA, carrying clean fresh water from the Neversink Reservoir to the area of polluted ground water from fracking.

The participants come from all over New York and Pennsylvania. We are walking with our beautiful handmade pottery water vessel, the Amphora, from Sunday, April 17 until Saturday, April 23. We call our action “Walk About Water.” We are doing this in response to the threat to drinking water posed by mining for fossil fuels.

While the argument about mining rages on, we must do what we can to hold our communities together and to help make sound choices for the future as well as for today. We insist that the priorities of public health and quality of life have an appropriate place in decisions being made that will have an effect on everyone. We cannot be expected to sit still in the face of policies that demand we exchange our great-grandchildren’s future access to clean water for something as temporary as gas or money.

Our walk is intended to bring attention to the importance water has in all of our lives. We also seek to accentuate the commonality all people have when it comes down to basics, and to foster an understanding that we can, indeed, work together to honor that which we all need, love and cherish.

For the latest information about the walk and to view a program of events. please visit www.walkaboutwater.blogspot.com

We are deeply grateful for the opportunity to do this and for the support that has been so generously offered to us at every turn. Our opening event to send us off on the walk will be beautiful with music, wisdom and blessings from our dear Queen Mama Donna. All are welcome to attend. We will begin April 17 at 9:00 am on Aden Road in Neversink, NY about 1 mile from Route 55 where the water comes near the road.

We ask people who may rally with us to please carry pitchers and teapots, buckets, tin cups and watering cans as a powerful demonstration of our universal need for water.

This project was organized by a Queen and all the walkers are women of a certain age. It was a proud moment to watch them leave the blessing ceremony and start their walk. I watched them walk away until they were out of sight. They walked 18 miles yesterday and all through the day I thought of them. Where were they now? How were they holding up? What are they thinking?

Please join me in sending them positive energy and gratitude this week.

* Please send me your thoughts about power. Also stories of your own empowerment. When shared, these ideas and examples are extremely inspiring to others. Thanks.

***
The Queen welcomes questions concerning all issues of interest to women in their mature years. Send your inquiries to thequeenofmyself@aol.com.

CONSULT THE MIDLIFE MIDWIFE™
Queen Mama Donna offers upbeat, practical and ceremonial guidance for individual women and groups who want to enjoy the fruits of an enriching, influential, purposeful, passionate, and powerful maturity.

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