The Queen of My Self

The Queen of My Self

The Liberation of Letting Go

posted by Donna Henes

Here are some wise words from Queens:

Letting Go Takes Love

To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can’t do it for someone else.

To let go is not to cut myself off,
it’s the realization I can’t control another.

To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.

To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.

To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it’s to make the most of myself.

To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.

To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.

To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.

To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.

To let go is not to be protective,
it’s to permit another to face reality.

To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.

To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.

To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more.

-Author unknown


Needed to be pruned
In order to bloom
Too much dead wood
Keeps us stagnant
Rigid, unyielding
Conforming to pre-suggestion
I got tired of dragging yesterday around
Like a dead co-joined twin
Took a pair of shears to that
Albatross dangling from my neck
There is huge freedom
In surrender…

- © Alison Stormwol, Scotlandf

The Queen welcomes questions concerning all issues of interest to women in their mature years. Send your inquiries to thequeenofmyself@aol/com.

What Do You Need to Release?

posted by Donna Henes

What do you need to let go of? I asked this question to the many Queens who have joined the Facebook page of The Queen of My Self.*

Here are some of their responses:

Q. What have you have already released and what do you still need to part with — mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually.

A. I have let go of all those who disrespect me. I even had to tell my most dear intimate partner that we need to move away from each other. Yes, we will stay intimate partners, but we need to live in two separate spaces. I have felt MUCH better since I made this decision, expressed it and took some concrete actions toward really separating our spaces. BLESSED BE RELEASING!! First, it’s about getting CLEAR about your Queenly Boundaries and how you want to run your REALM. Then, you put the boundaries in place and not doubting your ROYAL DECREE to run your life the way YOU want it and reject the way you do not want it. Next, take ACTION towards what you DESIRE. Never waver. Never give up. ALWAYS continue to take good and right actions until you build up your realm to your imagined PERFECTION. BLESSED BE QUEENS!!
Sheryll, CA

A. I don’t know if it’s inhibitions or fear, but I need to give up those voices (real and internal “tapes”) that tell me I “can’t,” or “shouldn’t” do something. Sometimes it really is your intuition cautioning good judgment, but so many times it’s just the fears and misunderstanding that many people in my life and I give into. The biggest lesson was learning that I wouldn’t be struck dead by doing something my mom didn’t think I should do — and I’m still learning that lesson.
- Rachel, VA

A. I need to release the fear of feeling lonely, to break the chains of dependency.
- Susana, Mexico

A. I need to let go of the negative people in my life. I continually allow myself to get dragged down into their drama and misery.
- Maria, CO

A. My answer to the Queen’s Questions: I let go of things or people who try to define me! I am ever changing minute by minute,  and I am not the same at any given point. So to all who want me in a box, you can just Kiss this Sweet Love’n Queen’s A**! I am exactly who I am because I DEFINE ME! Signed~The Katress of Morris Park
- Kat, MN

A. Fear, despair, hypochondria, distrust, disconnection, shame, lack of worth and apathy. It’s a good thing they co-exist with a lot of positive too!
- Lisa, NY

A. My need to belittle myself in order to prevent challenging change.
- Sandy, IL

A. I need to let go of putting others in much higher esteem than myself!
Lorelei, Manitoba, Canada

A. I need to release isolation and loneliness… :-(
- Brooke, ?

A. I need to let go of my attachment to the good opinions of others.
- Mara

A. Control. Just control.
- Sarah, NY

A. I’m releasing needing others to be rational, fair or just plain real. People build up their worlds, and deserve to live in them. Not in my control, not my business. Also giving up the need to address the arrows they sling at me. Not my business, and if they have a problem, too bad, its NOT my problem. :) They can talk their talk, it defines them, not me. I now define myself by putting my attention only on things that deserve my attention, speaking truths not rebuttals.
- Gail, 

A. Gail, me too. Watching my feeling reactive to “others” Some times I do react if I am not feeling irritated and just a bit amused…then just for the fun of it. Difficult pattern to dissolve.
- Dale

A. Doubt.
- Helena

A. Wanting everyone to be like me!
- Katherine, KS

A. Wanting everyone to like me.
- Cathy, VA

A. I need to let go of taking things personally and realizing that most people, if not all, are coming from their own experiences that have nothing to do with me.
- Pam, OH

A. Need to part with Fear, feeling “less-than”, grief over things, relationships lost. It’s always good to read these and know that even though our particular position in the universe is unique, we share so much in common; and so much of what we share we hide or is concealed. Truly, this saying seems so pertinent, “be kinder than necessary, for you never know what battles the other is facing.”
- Terri, CA

What do YOU need to release?

* Do join our Queen’s Court on Facebook:

The Queen welcomes questions concerning all issues of interest to women in their mature years. Send your inquiries to


House Cleaning From the Inside Out

posted by Donna Henes

A thorough house cleaning, internal as well as external, is a fabulous way to delineate the purpose of our lives. Letting go of the inessential creates an elegant order to our existence. An orderly house always seems like the invitation to a fresh start, which is why so many cultures incorporate a thorough house scrubbing, a clean sweep, as it were, as well as an internal ablution in their New Year’s rituals.

When we clear out the inessentials, we make space for ourselves to grow and expand to fill the void. With the chaff, the distractions and dirty corners of our environments and minds cleared away, we can better see the structure of our lives, the foundations of our support, the bare bones that comprise our true Selves, and dedicate ourselves to living a more authentic life.

The Queen suggests some ways to de-clutter every part of your life: 

* Throw out, recycle or donate one thing every day. This is a great practice in claiming what is important to you and discarding what is not. It is easy and gradual so that it is not too upsetting.

* Spend an evening in the closet playing dress up. Get rid of everything that that doesn’t fit your figure or your evolved Self-image.

* Eliminate one food from your diet that you know you should not eat. When you get used to living without it, eliminate one more.

* Send all of the novels that you know you will never re-read to a school or hospital library or to a clinic waiting room. And that pile of magazines, too.

* Clean out your paper and computer files, your address book, old correspondence and tax records older than seven years. How much of that clutter is really relevant any more?

* Do the same with your medicine cabinet and cosmetic drawers. How many of the products crammed in there merely mask superficial symptoms and flaws rather than enhance your essential strength and beauty?

* Remove yourself from situations and relationships that no longer nurture you. Refuse what does not interest you. This is harder. Hold tight to your entitlement to be fulfilled.

* Monitor your thoughts, and edit the negative, Self-derogatory ones in mid-stream. Eliminate stinking thinking. Re-frame your thoughts so that thy reflect a more positive

* Reduce stress through yoga, exercise, breathing techniques, warm baths, sex, music, art and/or meditation. Let go of all that worry and tension.

* Eliminate the accumulated toxins in your body by fasting occasionally.

* Slough off the old, like a snake shedding its skin, or a butterfly its cocoon. Emerge renewed, refreshed and re-energized.

The Queen welcomes questions concerning all issues of interest to women in their mature years. Send your inquiries to

Letting Go of All that Does Not Serve

posted by Donna Henes

On my birthday last year, a friend presented me with a gorgeous amber necklace that she had gotten in Russia twenty years ago before she immigrated to the United States. Though she felt that it did not suit her, she held on to it for two decades for sentimental reasons. When she gave it to me, she apologized for it not being a new store-bought thing, but I was thrilled. Not only does it suit me perfectly, but I was extremely touched by her sharing of this nostalgic gem.

And I completely understood her motivation for giving it away. It is common for women in midlife to display an overwhelming urge to purge, to clean out, throw out, refuse, release, discard, to distill and streamline all of our attachments. We refine our needs and tastes and now want to be surrounded by only those people, places and things that add something positive to our lives.

If we are to practice living life with intention, purpose, and appreciation, we are called to take stock — on every level imaginable — material, mental, emotional and spiritual. And we feel the need to evaluate everything in terms of its value to us.

Do our belongings, attitudes, ideas, obligations, commitments, habits, goals, dreams, relationships and wardrobes still fit us? Do they suit us and our current life style? Are they flattering? Do they please us? Do they continue to serve us? Do they feed us what we need? Or do they just take up space? Do they drain our energy and slow us down by the amount of maintenance that they require?

It seems to me that we spend the first half of our lives accumulating things and the second half getting rid of them, paring our possessions down to a manageable cache. At some point in our middle years, it is important to take the time to catalogue what it is we have, what we have accumulated, what we hold onto, what we have carried with us through the years, and what we would be better off letting go of. As we face the second half of our lives, it is prime time to check our baggage and lighten up our load.

With practice, we can distinguish which of our possessions and commitments express our true desires, needs, values and aesthetics, and which do not. Which relationships serve us in a reciprocal manner, and which do not. Which engagements, involvements and assignments are fulfilling and life-affirming and which are empty busywork. “It’s not so much how busy you are, but why you are busy,” the writer Marie O’Conner reminds us. “The bee is praised; the mosquito is swatted.”

So what do you want/need to release as you come into your Queendom? What you have already let go of and what do you still need to part with — mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually?

The Queen welcomes questions concerning all issues of interest to women in their mature years. Send your inquiries to

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