The Queen of My Self

The Queen of My Self

Your Thoughts on Aging

posted by Donna Henes

Between this blog, The Facebook The Queen of My Self fan page and my monthly Ezine, The Queen’s Chronicles, I get a lot of comments from women everywhere who are transitioning into their own powerful potential as a fully sovereign Queens.

I would like to share some of these thoughts, as I believe they speak to the interest of all the 60 million midlife women out there. Should these spark your own thoughts. fabulous. And if they inspire to you send in your thoughts and ideas to share, even better.

The process of maturing is an art to be learned, an effort to be
sustained. By the age of fifty you have made yourself what you are, and
if it is good, it is better than your youth.
~Marya Mannes

I’m always happy to see women reclaiming age. We have to figure out what it means on our own, questioning everything that society tells us. This is work that all of us are doing, just as we’re reclaiming our gender expression and our spiritual practices.
In a still male-dominated society, an aging woman is seen through male eyes. No longer a traditional sex object, and so derided? But also feared, because of some very ancient conditioning. Early on, elderly women must have been the most valuable asset in tribal cultures. Memory and experience were priceless, since that was what kept everyone alive. Elderly men would have been revered, too, but elderly women would have more intimate knowledge of body changes, cycle and healing. And so I have no doubt that we were the authority figures for thousands of years.   
And as the patriarchal overthrow meant the suppression of women’s primeval power, so it buried the power of old women. Our social roles have narrowed down because we retain the tendency to speak truth and to naturally exert authority. In order to prevail, patriarchy has to turn us into cartoon characters – just as they’ve done with the witch and with so many aspects of womanhood.    
It makes sense, from nature’s viewpoint, that elderly women would have special gifts, gifts that we’ve been honing our entire lives. Nature doesn’t waste anything, least of all experience.

I am really curious to hear what age means to other women. For me, it’s been a much more balanced and self-aware place to be. My mind has settled down. It’s the difference between choice & compulsion. When I was younger, I felt compelled to push, struggle, and take on challenges. Now, when I do those things, I do them from a sense of choice.
Old women often discard the mask of femininity and stand revealed in our true power. But it can be very scary to step out of a firmly-entrenched social role and that’s why women are scurrying to “look younger.” To take on our atrophied power is not easy. We all have to recognize it first, and then we have to work together.   
But to my mind this is the only thing that will save the planet at this junction in history. And I think it’s the message of the epoch, the message of Pluto in Capricorn, the sign of age and wisdom.
- Jenny, Germany

Amen. I am in my mid 40′s and finally know. I understand and appreciate myself. Life is fantastic!!!
- Tracy, OH

This is so true. During my 30s and early 40s I wished to return to my 20s. Now, in my late 40s, I am so glad to be where I am in life’s journey.
- Cyndi Grady

So right you are sister. At 70 I am who I am and proud to be Queen of Self. Life is a stage and I love the part I now play.
- Micklo, CA

Soooooooooo true! And it only gets better and better. :-)
- Diana, NM

Yes! I am very happy with who I have become!
- Brenda, BC, Canada

Yes! The handcrafted Self is worth the journey it takes to get here!
- Lynlee, CA

My 50′s are just sooo much FUN!
- Donna, MT

The Queen welcomes questions concerning all issues of interest to women in their mature years. Send your inquiries to

Message from the other Queen

posted by Donna Henes

To: The citizens of the United States of America

From: Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II 

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should  look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)  Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1.  The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’ ‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’  without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’  Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up ‘vocabulary’).  

2.  Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ”like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.   There is no such thing as U. S. English. We will let Microsoft know this on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u” and the elimination of ‘-ize.’

3.  July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. 

4.  You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse. 

5.  Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler, although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. 

6.  All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. 

7.  The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it. 

8.  You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. 

9.  The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth — see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. 

10.  Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater. 

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body amour like a bunch of nannies). 

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game, which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

 13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad. 

14.  An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). 

15.  Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality  biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season. 

God Save the Queen! 

The Queen welcomes questions concerning all issues of interest to women in their mature years. Send your inquiries to

What Do You Need to Release?

posted by Donna Henes

What do you need to let go of? I asked this question to the many Queens who have joined the Facebook page of The Queen of My Self.

Q. What have you have already released and what do you still need to part with — mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually?

Here are some of their responses:
A. I have let go of all those who disrespect me. I even had to tell my most dear intimate partner that we need to move away from each other. Yes, we will stay intimate partners, but we need to live in two separate spaces. I have felt MUCH better since I made this decision, expressed it and took some concrete actions toward really separating our spaces. BLESSED BE RELEASING!! First, it’s about getting CLEAR about your Queenly Boundaries and how you want to run your REALM. Then, you put the boundaries in place and not doubting your ROYAL DECREE to run your life the way YOU want it and reject the way you do not want it. Next, take ACTION towards what you DESIRE. Never waver. Never give up. ALWAYS continue to take good and right actions until you build up your realm to your imagined PERFECTION. BLESSED BE QUEENS!!
Sheryll, CA

A. I don’t know if it’s inhibitions or fear, but I need to give up those voices (real and internal “tapes”) that tell me I “can’t,” or “shouldn’t” do something. Sometimes it really is your intuition cautioning good judgment, but so many times it’s just the fears and misunderstanding that many people in my life and I give into. The biggest lesson was learning that I wouldn’t be struck dead by doing something my mom didn’t think I should do — and I’m still learning that lesson.
- Rachel, VA

A. I need to release the fear of feeling lonely, to break the chains of dependency.
- Susana, Mexico

A. I need to let go of the negative people in my life. I continually allow myself to get dragged down into their drama and misery.
- Maria, CO

A. My answer to the Queen’s Questions: I let go of things or people who try to define me! I am ever changing minute by minute,  and I am not the same at any given point. So to all who want me in a box, you can just Kiss this Sweet Love’n Queen’s A**! I am exactly who I am because I DEFINE ME! Signed~The Katress of Morris Park
- Kat, MN

A. Fear, despair, hypochondria, distrust, disconnection, shame, lack of worth and apathy. It’s a good thing they co-exist with a lot of positive too!
- Lisa, NY

A. My need to belittle myself in order to prevent challenging change.
- Sandy, IL

A. I need to let go of putting others in much higher esteem than myself!
Lorelei, Manitoba, Canada

A. I need to release isolation and loneliness… :-(
- Brooke, ME

A. I need to let go of my attachment to the good opinions of others.
- Mara, ND

A. Control. Just control.
- Sarah, NY

A. I’m releasing needing others to be rational, fair or just plain real. People build up their worlds, and deserve to live in them. Not in my control, not my business. Also giving up the need to address the arrows they sling at me. Not my business, and if they have a problem, too bad, its NOT my problem. :) They can talk their talk, it defines them, not me. I now define myself by putting my attention only on things that deserve my attention, speaking truths not rebuttals.
- Gail, CT 

A. Gail, me too. Watching my feeling reactive to “others” Some times I do react if I am not feeling irritated and just a bit amused…then just for the fun of it. Difficult pattern to dissolve.
- Dale, FL

A. Doubt.
- Helena, CA

A. Wanting everyone to be like me!
- Katherine, KS

A. Wanting everyone to like me.
- Cathy, VA

A. I need to let go of taking things personally and realizing that most people, if not all, are coming from their own experiences that have nothing to do with me.
- Pam, OH

A. Need to part with Fear, feeling “less-than”, grief over things, relationships lost. It’s always good to read these and know that even though our particular position in the universe is unique, we share so much in common; and so much of what we share we hide or is concealed. Truly, this saying seems so pertinent, “be kinder than necessary, for you never know what battles the other is facing.”
- Terri, CA

What do YOU need to release?

* Do join our Queen’s Court on Facebook:

The Queen welcomes questions concerning all issues of interest to women in their mature years. Send your inquiries to


Letting Go of All that Does Not Serve

posted by Donna Henes

On my birthday last year, a friend presented me with a gorgeous amber necklace that she had gotten in Russia twenty years ago before she immigrated to the United States. Though she felt that it did not suit her, she held on to it for two decades for sentimental reasons. When she gave it to me, she apologized for it not being a new store-bought thing, but I was thrilled. Not only does it suit me perfectly, but I was extremely touched by her sharing of this nostalgic gem.

And I completely understood her motivation for giving it away. It is common for women in midlife to display an overwhelming urge to purge, to clean out, throw out, refuse, release, discard, to distill and streamline all of our attachments. We refine our needs and tastes and now want to be surrounded by only those people, places and things that add something positive to our lives.

If we are to practice living life with intention, purpose, and appreciation, we are called to take stock — on every level imaginable — material, mental, emotional and spiritual. And we feel the need to evaluate everything in terms of its value to us.

Do our belongings, attitudes, ideas, obligations, commitments, habits, goals, dreams, relationships and wardrobes still fit us? Do they suit us and our current life style? Are they flattering? Do they please us? Do they continue to serve us? Do they feed us what we need? Or do they just take up space? Do they drain our energy and slow us down by the amount of maintenance that they require?

It seems to me that we spend the first half of our lives accumulating things and the second half getting rid of them, paring our possessions down to a manageable cache. At some point in our middle years, it is important to take the time to catalogue what it is we have, what we have accumulated, what we hold onto, what we have carried with us through the years, and what we would be better off letting go of. As we face the second half of our lives, it is prime time to check our baggage and lighten up our load.

With practice, we can distinguish which of our possessions and commitments express our true desires, needs, values and aesthetics, and which do not. Which relationships serve us in a reciprocal manner, and which do not. Which engagements, involvements and assignments are fulfilling and life-affirming and which are empty busywork. “It’s not so much how busy you are, but why you are busy,” the writer Marie O’Conner reminds us. “The bee is praised; the mosquito is swatted.”

So what do you want/need to release as you come into your Queendom? What you have already let go of and what do you still need to part with — mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually?

The Queen welcomes questions concerning all issues of interest to women in their mature years. Send your inquiries to

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