Beliefnet
The Queen of My Self

A Senior (I Should Be So Brilliant) Moment

This is the Letter of the Year from The Times of London:

An elderly lady actually wrote this letter to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough and sent if off to the Times to be published. This newspaper thanks him most sincerely.

Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three ‘nanoseconds’ must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement. which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty-eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, over-charging, re-recorded, faceless entity. which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status, which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1— To make an appointment to see me.

2— To query a missing payment.

3— To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4— To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping

5— To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6— To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7— To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. (A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorised Contact.)

8— To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8

9— To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client

Addendum from The Editor:

IMPORTANT to REMEMBER that this letter was written by a 98 year old

woman. DOESN’T SHE MAKE YOU PROUD!!!

*****

Donna Henes is the author of The Queen of My Self: Stepping into Sovereignty in Midlife. She offers counseling and upbeat, practical and ceremonial guidance for individual women and groups who want to enjoy the fruits of an enriching, influential, purposeful, passionate, and powerful maturity. Consult the MIDLIFE MIDWIFE™

The Queen welcomes questions concerning all issues of interest to women in their mature years. Send your inquiries to thequeenofmyself@aol.com.

 

 

Auntie Gravity – Part 1
An Antic Cronish Goddess
by Barbara Ardinger, Ph.D. 

Here is a goddess for mid-life.

Sisters, do certain parts of your anatomy that used to stand right up and salute, now ignore the flag no matter now vigorously it’s waving? Is “perky” a word whose meaning passed you by a decade ago? From behind, do you look like you’re sitting down even when you’re standing up? Does it require a crane and two body-builders to lift you out of a deep knee bend?

If you answered “yes” to these questions, relax—you’ve been visited by our beloved Auntie Gravity, a cronish goddess Who pulls our bodies ever closer to our Mother Earth even as She lifts our spirits. Like some kind of cosmic elevator operator, Auntie Gravity dares to speak out loud the proper locations of ladies lingerie, housewares, better dresses, and the tea room. Auntie Gravity wears good cotton underwear, cooks as seldom as possible, dresses in purple (and then some), and eats and drinks what she wants to eat and drink. She lives in the present moment and tells it like it really is.

“Gal,” She says, giving you Her famous Look, “where you livin’ at? The past is dead and gone. Sure, you’ve lived through quite a lot. But how good was the good ol’ days, really? How good was it, back then? Gal, you livin’ today. You deserve some respect for your long life. You got survivalocity, big-time. Don’t you forget that. An’ don’t you let no one else forget it, either.

“Your face look like a road map?” Auntie Gravity says. “Well, jus’ you remember—all them lines come from some place significant. You been places and you done stuff—you wanna trade places with some skinny, smooth-faced child who don’t know nothin’? Each one a them lines is a line in the poem of your life, and maybe yours is an epic poem. Ever thought about that? Hmmm? Not all epics gotta be about men wavin’ phallic symbols an’ conquerin’ folks. Hmmm?

“What you done in your long life?” She asks, and She pokes Her pointy finger at your heart, “what you proud of? What you ashamed of? What you learned? What you got to tell the young ‘uns? Gal, you got wisdom you don’t even remember you got. What you gotta do is, you gotta pass it around. You hear Me? Pass it around, what you know, what you’ve learned. Help bring up some little sisters in the proper fashion.

Tomorrow: Auntie Gravity – Part 2

*****

Donna Henes is the author of The Queen of My Self: Stepping into Sovereignty in Midlife. She offers counseling and upbeat, practical and ceremonial guidance for individual women and groups who want to enjoy the fruits of an enriching, influential, purposeful, passionate, and powerful maturity. Consult the MIDLIFE MIDWIFE™

The Queen welcomes questions concerning all issues of interest to women in their mature years. Send your inquiries to thequeenofmyself@aol.com.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tomorrow: Auntie Gravity – Part 2

 

*****

Donna Henes is the author of The Queen of My Self: Stepping into Sovereignty in Midlife. She offers counseling and upbeat, practical and ceremonial guidance for individual women and groups who want to enjoy the fruits of an enriching, influential, purposeful, passionate, and powerful maturity. Consult the MIDLIFE MIDWIFE™

The Queen welcomes questions concerning all issues of interest to women in their mature years. Send your inquiries to thequeenofmyself@aol.com.

 

 

 

 

Go Light-Footed Through Life

by Sister Joan Chittister

There is a deer in me—made for running, for scampering while the rest of the world around me walks. I am made to find and drink from foreign streams. I am meant to go light-footed through life. So what am I doing in “stability” and “community,” in a lifetime of “Rules” and hierarchy and patriarchy masking as “a woman’s lifestyle”?

But then, on the other hand, how can anyone move freely unless they are rooted in a worldview that is stable and a community that is empowering and a discipline that is strengthening? Disciplined, meaning stretched beyond ourselves to the best of ourselves. Like the well-trained Olympian, like the well-schooled scholar, like the well-formed soul.

It’s easy to bounce through life—going here, trying that, tasting this. What is difficult is trying to figure out what we are supposed to do with what we find, or learn from where we go that will make life even richer. For ourselves, of course. But for the rest of the world, as well.

Don’t be fooled:

Deer run, yes, but they never run very far away from the stream at which they drink. The problem with running through life is that it’s possible to outrun our spiritual nourishment. Then we become an empty person in an even emptier place. “The sea is only beautiful,” Patrick Field writes, “if there is a shore.”

– from The Art of Life

*****

Donna Henes is the author of The Queen of My Self: Stepping into Sovereignty in Midlife. She offers counseling and upbeat, practical and ceremonial guidance for individual women and groups who want to enjoy the fruits of an enriching, influential, purposeful, passionate, and powerful maturity. Consult the MIDLIFE MIDWIFE™

The Queen welcomes questions concerning all issues of interest to women in their mature years. Send your inquiries to thequeenofmyself@aol.com.

 

 

 

In honor of the Verna; Equinox, I would .like to offer this beautiful poem:

Her Green Pulse

by Jo Carson

The opening poem from “Dancing With Gaia”

Blood of Her veins, the rivers
Voice of Her breath, the wind
Fire of Her will, erupting volcanoes
Green of Her hair, the rolling grass hills
Strength of Her spine, mountains’ tall backs.

Persephone, Moon Maiden, whose returning steps
Grant springtime once more
Old Spider Grandmother
Weaving worlds from Her womb.

Snake Woman
Shedding and renewing Her skin
In wrinkled and wriggling forms
Earth Mother who birthed us
Her furry babes, Her leafy litter.

You listen to Her rhythms
Her passionate drumbeat
In the undulating hills
As She dances, turning and trembling
In circles of chants.

The dance of Her green pulse unfolds all bodies
And all blessings from earth’s fragrant form.
You sense Her energy bubbling upward
Past spine and skull, chakras glowing gold
A geyser bridge to star and sky.

Happy Spring!

xxQueen Mama Donna

*****

Donna Henes is the author of The Queen of My Self: Stepping into Sovereignty in Midlife. She offers counseling and upbeat, practical and ceremonial guidance for individual women and groups who want to enjoy the fruits of an enriching, influential, purposeful, passionate, and powerful maturity. Consult the MIDLIFE MIDWIFE™

The Queen welcomes questions concerning all issues of interest to women in their mature years. Send your inquiries to thequeenofmyself@aol.com.