Beliefnet
The Queen of My Self

Coming from the tough love school of spiritual counseling as I do, I feel that it is only fair to warn you — There are no 10 Easy Steps to Sovereignty.

The roads leading to Queendom are diverse and many. The way to Self-esteem can be complicated and long. Each woman must take her own path, make her own trail, clear a passage for herself through the thick brambles that reach up to trip her. What roads do exist are unmapped, bumpy, and full of potholes, tumbleweed and road-kill. There are no shortcuts along the Queen’s Highway, no services, no shoulders, no signage, but many detours and cul-du-sacs.

And the fare can be exorbitant. As Dear Abby, Abigail Van Buren, once noted, “If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we’d be millionaires.” Like any grand journey, the trip toward Self-dominion requires stamina, determination and the passionate desire to travel. But if we pack properly, check our tires frequently, and take time for picnics, the adventure is incomparable. And the destination of Self-empowerment is majestic.

Our Queenly assignment, should we choose to accept it, is to identify, understand and connect all the component parts of ourselves, to attempt to develop and balance them equally, and to maintain them all in good working order. The Self is like a jigsaw puzzle or a quilt that promises to become a beautiful whole if we spend the necessary time and concentration to assemble it. It is at once the puzzle, the parts of the puzzle, and also, most importantly, the process of piecing them together.

The Self is the seat of sovereignty of the Queen. It is Her throne and Her domain, at once Her base of power and Her field of operation. Stepping into our sovereignty involves an almost alchemical process of adding, extracting, refining, combining and recombining the myriad elements that make up our four parts in the constantly evolving effort of perfecting the power of our best Selves.

The holy elixir that we seek is the transformation of the painful, rejected, neglected, wounded, unsatisfied, unsatisfactory parts of our Self, into the unified, organized, energized, golden glory and grace of the fulfilled Queen. It is through our sincere and complete participation in this process that we learn how to recognize, claim and proudly proclaim our own true power. The power of the fully engaged Self.

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Donna Henes is the author of The Queen of My Self: Stepping into Sovereignty in Midlife. She offers counseling and upbeat, practical and ceremonial guidance for individual women and groups who want to enjoy the fruits of an enriching, influential, purposeful, passionate, and powerful maturity. Consult the MIDLIFE MIDWIFE™

The Queen welcomes questions concerning all issues of interest to women in their mature years. Send your inquiries to thequeenofmyself@aol.com.

 

 

 

 

 


Who are we supposed to be at this stage of our life when we are less likely to be bound and identified by our kinship connection to someone else — as a daughter, a wife, a mother, a lover? What exactly is our role as older than young and younger than old women who are still active, attractive and more effective than ever?

The Queen paradigm promotes a new understanding of what it means to be a middle-aged woman today who accepts full responsibility for and to herself. And it celebrates the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual rewards of doing so.

Becoming a Queen is not automatic. The Queen bursts forth from adversity and previous constraints, actual or imagined, to become a proficient player in the game plan of Her choice. The Queen does not invite hard times and trouble, but She chooses to use them well. Actualized, organized, efficient, self-sufficient, competent, ethical and fair, the Queen has struggled for and earned Her authority and respect. Determined and firmly centered on Her own two feet, She dares to climb, step after step, with nascent surety into the heady realm of Her own highest sovereignty.

Once on her throne and crowned, the Queen glows golden with confidence, competence, and grace. She is fully aroused and takes great pleasure in the feelings of freedom, elation and wellbeing that come from personal empowerment.

Another gift of self-enfranchisement is the potent and extremely liberating sexuality of the Queen. Shining from the inside out, Her attractiveness and attraction is rooted deeply in Her self-actualization, self-worth, and inner strength. She exudes a primal excitement, Her power palpable in her very presence. Her desire reaches the boiling point and her inhibitions melt in the heat of Her renewed passion for life.

This royal mythic model that I envision is recognizably like me, like us. Not yet old, yet no longer young, still active and sexy, vital with the enthusiasm and energy of youth, She is tempered with the hard earned experience and leavening attitudes of age. She has been forced to face and overcome obstacles and hard lessons including Her own shadow, and in so doing, has outgrown the boundaries of Her old self.

Agitated with the unessential and restless for authenticity, She sheds all attachment to the opinions of others and accepts complete responsibility and control for Her own care, feeding and fulfillment. She is the Queen of Her Self, the mature monarch, the sole sovereign of Her own life and destiny. Here, finally, is an archetype that fits.

As long as I live, I will have control over my being — you find the spirit of Caesar in me.

– Artemisia Gentileschi

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Donna Henes is the author of The Queen of My Self: Stepping into Sovereignty in Midlife. She offers counseling and upbeat, practical and ceremonial guidance for individual women and groups who want to enjoy the fruits of an enriching, influential, purposeful, passionate, and powerful maturity. Consult the MIDLIFE MIDWIFE™

The Queen welcomes questions concerning all issues of interest to women in their mature years. Send your inquiries to thequeenofmyself@aol.com.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This article is by my friend and colleague, Barbara Bizou.  

 

Redefining Midlife Part 2

The good news is that we can take this opportunity to look at life in a new and fresh way. This is a time to reinvent ourselves and make new choices based on what we truly want. It is time to take stock of our lives, reevaluate our dreams and goals as we make peace with what we haven’t done and take steps towards our new expanded vision.

The challenge is to look at the changing energy with anticipation. We can throw away the roles that do not serve and open to ones that contain more freedom to be ourselves. Time to set our house in balance.

Many women find themselves moving into new careers or careers for the first time. Power may be an issue. For men and women who have worked in the world this may be a time for more fun …freedom from the old roles we took on.

Real old age begins when one looks backward rather then forward, but we can look forward with joy and excitement to the years ahead and especially to the contributions we can make to the world.

Psychologically this is a new time of preparation for elder hood. Yet, there is a lot of time between midlife and elder hood and we need to discover language that speaks to this new era.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH THE TIME YOU HAVE LEFT?

1.Recommit yourself to speak in your own voice-unhampered by expectations or fear of what others will think.

2.Support causes which show respect and reverence for the earth

3.Be wild

4.Take time for yourself — slow down — transitions take time.

5.Cultivate a belief that it is safe to move forward

6.Give up “being perfect”

7.Develop a consistent spiritual practice

8.Feel the intensity of your emotions — seek professional help if needed

9.Decide to have a positive attitude

10.Clean house of negative people

11.Continue to learn new things

12. Travel — expand your horizons

13.Be physical — touch, hug, have sex

14. Laugh, have fun

15. Let yourself be supported by others in a healthy way

REMEMBER: AT THE END OF YOUR LIFE, YOU WILL ONLY REGRET THE THINGS YOU HAVE NEVER TRIED.

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Donna Henes is the author of The Queen of My Self: Stepping into Sovereignty in Midlife. She offers counseling and upbeat, practical and ceremonial guidance for individual women and groups who want to enjoy the fruits of an enriching, influential, purposeful, passionate, and powerful maturity. Consult the MIDLIFE MIDWIFE™

The Queen welcomes questions concerning all issues of interest to women in their mature years. Send your inquiries to thequeenofmyself@aol.com.

 

 

This article is by my friend and colleague, Barbara Bizou.  

 

Redefining Midlife Part 1

“Since you don’t know when the end is going to be how can you figure out what mid-life is.

– Julia Riva

We, as a culture, worship youth. We try and tighten our abs, botox our faces and dye our hair all on the eternal quest to stay young. Looking good is not a bad thing, but dismissing the wisdom of experience because of our fear of aging is destructive and sad.

Moving into midlife (whenever that is) can be a freeing and exhilarating experience.Around the age of 45 we begin to move into the halfway point of our lives. For some of us it is closer to 50. The actual chronological age is not important, what is important is the feeling that we have come to a turning point in our lives.

The essence of mid-life change is the reevaluation of the present with an eye toward an uncertain future. It represents both the end and the beginning of a cycle. Some of us may recall forgotten dreams and wonder whether it too is late to realize them. Many of us have to give up our fantasies of how we thought our life would be. Facing this reality may leave us feeling vulnerable and unsure of ourselves.

Those who have the hardest time with mid-life are usually those who realize they have lived a life programmed for them by others rather than the life they wish to lead. It is common to see them begin to search for satisfaction in different ways — possibly pursuing their “life’s work” or looking for some larger “purpose” to their life. Many times, people get a wakeup call when faced with a personal crisis that prompts them to look deeply at their life (sudden loss of job or home, death of a loved one, illness).

This time is a gift for it allows us to correct the flow of emotional energy in our life. It is important to acknowledge any grief and sadness that we may have so we can become more available for joy in our life. This is not about regrets — everything we have ever done has added to who we are today. It is important to take the time we need to retreat from our daily lives so we can heal.

Be prepared to encounter resistance from others who are used to us always being available. Building strong relationships of mutual trust and caring will play an important part in this healing journey.

Whenever we start something new we may feel uncertain. We no longer know what is expected of us and we can lose the self-confidence and certainty that we have built up over years.

Tomorrow: Redefining Midlife Part 2

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Donna Henes is the author of The Queen of My Self: Stepping into Sovereignty in Midlife. She offers counseling and upbeat, practical and ceremonial guidance for individual women and groups who want to enjoy the fruits of an enriching, influential, purposeful, passionate, and powerful maturity. Consult the MIDLIFE MIDWIFE™

The Queen welcomes questions concerning all issues of interest to women in their mature years. Send your inquiries to thequeenofmyself@aol.com.