The Queen of My Self

By Doris Jeanette

A clear distinction between being attractive and sexy became clear to me while going over the final version of a book I am working on, “Safe and Sane: Heart-felt Answers for the Pain You Feel.” It is a group of questions and answers from a holistic psychology column I wrote a few years ago for an International newsletter.

The question I was answering was from a young Indian woman who was extremely distressed because she was not attractive and could never have a loving relationship. My answer was reassuring, “You do not have to be in the top fifty percent of beauty to have a healthy, loving relationship.”

As I was reviewing my answer, I remembered a current client who is overweight and men are always wanting to jump her bones. Men flock to her like honey wherever she goes. In contrast, my client’s best friend, with the attractiveness made famous by the media, sits perched on the bar stool next to my client, lonely. The beautiful woman with a great figure has trouble getting a date.

My client asks, “How come they hit on me and leave Fran alone?” “Energy,” was my reply, and energy it is.  My client is caring and warm and people feel it. She is sexy and approachable. Her best friend is attractive and cold, and people feel it. The attractive woman is intimidating and scary.

What about you? Are you attractive or sexy? No matter what your age, you need to be comfortable being sexy. If you want to be healthy, you need your sexual energy flowing and free. Your sexual energy needs to move through your body and into your joints. Sexy energy keeps your bones fluid and flowing and makes your cells happy.

The Kama Sutra, an ancient Indian Hindu text, basically offers the same relationship advice. The text teaches that your age and beauty do not have anything to do with how good you can be at making love. Instead, it says, “Get the proper education.”

Making love requires energy. Love is the energy you must generate in order to be a good lover. Love comes from your heart and must be allowed to flow throughout your whole body. It is your energy that attracts healthy, loving relationships, not your physical beauty.

Notice if your energy attracts or repeals. What are you doing to push health away? Become more like honey so you get the love energy you need to achieve holistic health.


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Donna Henes is the author of The Queen of My Self: Stepping into Sovereignty in Midlife. She offers counseling and upbeat, practical and ceremonial guidance for individual women and groups who want to enjoy the fruits of an enriching, influential, purposeful, passionate, and powerful maturity. Consult the MIDLIFE MIDWIFE™

The Queen welcomes questions concerning all issues of interest to women in their mature years. Send your inquiries to



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