The Queen of My Self


It is summer, hot and horny, and I am on a roll. So I am going to continue this theme of beauty, attraction, seduction, sex, love and self-love until I run out of content — or steam, whichever comes first.

Several women have written in with ideas and suggestions for loving our Selves. Here is another one in three parts.


Learning to Love Yourself – Part 2

By C. Rainfield, Ontario

* Have compassion for yourself.

If you’re feeling really judgemental about something you’ve done or said, try to understand where the judgement is coming from. Not the immediate, surface answer, but an answer deep down inside you. Are you afraid of something, or are you feeling insecure? Do you think you did something “wrong,” or are you hearing the judgement of a voice from your past? Try to connect to that little kid inside of you who’s feeling that way, and really listen to how s/he’s feeling. Hug and reassure that kid, and let her/him know that s/he didn’t do anything wrong, and that you love her/him.

You can also think of a friend having acted as you did. Imagine how you’d feel towards them — how you’d still love them and readily forgive them if there was anything to forgive. You probably wouldn’t even find it bothersome! Try to feel that same love and compassion for yourself.

* Recognize that the love has to come from you.

If you’re a survivor of child abuse or come from a dysfunctional family, you may still be waiting for a parent to give you the love and acceptance you never got as a child. But the kind of love you need (or needed as a child) probably isn’t going to come from a parent who abused you or who looked the other way while you were being abused. But it can come from yourself.

It can be hard to give it to yourself at first — after all, if you didn’t receive love as a child, or if some of that love was torn away from you by violence, self-hate may have built up inside you. But you have the courage and strength to love yourself, if you’ve survived this long. And you do deserve it!

So try to connect to that little child inside, that child who deserves all of your love and acceptance.

* Use Affirmations

I know, I know, this sounds corny. But if you hear good things about yourself over and over, you can’t help but have some of it sink in.

Write out strong, loving things to say to yourself, even if you don’t fully believe them. Some examples are:

* “I utterly and completely deserve love and kindness,”

* “I am a very loveable person,”

* “I am kind, compassionate, intelligent, and wise.” (or subsitute the words for loving words that you feel best suit you.)

Now put up those affirmations in places you’ll see them every day — on the fridge, on the bathroom mirror, on your bedside table, next to your favourite chair, on the kitchen wall next to where you cook your food or eat a meal. Don’t forget to read them.

If you’re not comfortable having them up in such public places, then write out a bunch of them (or copies of a few) and put them in places you’ll find them — in your jacket or jeans pocket, in a book you’re reading or a favourite book, in your desk drawer, in with your clothes. They’re little love notes to yourself. In fact, you may want to do both things — have them up and also hidden in places where you’ll find them.

When you read an affirmation, read it slowly, and really let yourself feel it. Don’t just say it by rote. Try to let yourself be there as fully as you can.

Tomorrow: Learning to Love Yourself – Part 3


Donna Henes is the author of The Queen of My Self: Stepping into Sovereignty in Midlife. She is the Midlife Midwife™ offering counseling and upbeat, practical and ceremonial guidance for individual women and groups who want to enjoy the fruits of an enriching, influential, purposeful, passionate, and powerful maturity. Consult the MIDLIFE MIDWIFE™


The Queen welcomes questions concerning all issues of interest to women in their mature years. Send your inquiries to


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