Their Bad Mother

Their Bad Mother


Time Enough For Questions

posted by Catherine Connors

I had said that I wanted – that I needed – to narrate this process, this journey through the experience of my father’s death. But it’s hard. I return to my bed (so far from home) at the end of each day and I am fatigued to the very tippy-toes of my soul. So while I am narrating this experience, constantly, to myself, by myself, in whispers to myself, my aching fingers just aren’t getting it down.

Time. I need time. Time to not be so tired and heart-sore. Time to sort through the eleventeen questions swirling through my head. Questions about his death and his life and about life and death in general. And questions like this:

1) Is there such a thing as ghosts, other than as the figurative representation of that feeling we have that someone is always with us?

2) Is it wrong to want to be haunted? To be afraid to be haunted, and yet to desire it with every fiber of your being?

3) How does one bring the traditions of one’s family religion into the process of dealing with death when both the dead and the living are lapsed – ambivalently lapsed, but intentionally lapsed?

4) God doesn’t mind when you get really, really mad at Him, right?

5) And he hears when you tell yourself that you’re not that mad, really. Just sad. Right?

6) Because he can read your mind, right?

5) Can ghosts read your mind? Like, say, God?

Like I said, I’m struggling, and confused. Bear with me.



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Comments read comments(87)
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Kat

posted August 17, 2009 at 12:05 pm


It is ok to be mad at God. He is a big boy and can handle it.



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Angela

posted August 17, 2009 at 12:06 pm


I’m so sorry Catherine. In my own opinion, you can mold your own spiritual philosophy around what feels right to you. Although I imagine nothing feels “right” about this situation, and maybe never will.
If it’s any consolation, you’re not alone in these questions. I think you have a sea of humanity swimming in there with you.
But even harder than figuring it out for ourselves, must be trying to help our children understand it too. I’m not ready for that conversation. I don’t think I ever will be.



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Sharon - Mom Generations

posted August 17, 2009 at 12:35 pm


Saint-Exupery wrote: He who has gone, so we but cherish his memory, abides with us, more potent, nay, more present, than the living man.
Death confronts us with such contemplation and such emotion and such unpreparedness. It unhusks us. What is known becomes unknown. What is concrete becomes abstract. What has been unfaltering becomes faltered and the familiar, unfamiliar. Our very consciousness is strained and unsteady. We question God. Religion. Spirituality. The existence of ghosts. Death is not new, but the questions we ask are often new. But the feeling you have that someone is always with you IS the potent and abiding presence of the living man. That presence IS real and unfaltering and unquestioning even in all of its unfamiliarness. Your “categories” say it all… Faith. Fearlessness. My Dad. You already know what you don’t know. You already feel what you don’t feel. Your fearlessness will come from the presence of your Dad. Forever.
I think of you often and wish you great strength…



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StacyG

posted August 17, 2009 at 12:50 pm


I can not anwser all of your questions but here is what I think about some of them.
Your in my thoughts and prayers.
1) Is there such a thing as ghosts, other than as the figurative representation of that feeling we have that someone is always with us?
After my father died (suicide) when I was 19 and we were cleaning out his apartment I know he was there at one point. I felt him and knew it was him. It scared me to death but now I wish it would happen again. Nothing has happened since then but I know what I felt.
4) God doesn’t mind when you get really, really mad at Him, right?
Even Jesus cried out on the cross “Why have you forsaken me.” He was mad at God and felt abandoned by his Father. Yes, its okay to be mad at God.
5) And he hears when you tell yourself that you’re not that mad, really. Just sad. Right?
He hears all and knows all.



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Della

posted August 17, 2009 at 1:08 pm


[I'm at work, and didn't read any previous comments.]
I can’t address ghosts, but I can address God.
God can handle it.
“neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God…”
Not even our anger.
Interestingly, that passage popped to mind INSTANTLY when I read your question. As I read this entire chapter (Romans 8), I keep noticing how chunks of it seem related to what you’re going through.
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Romans%208%20;&version=51; that’s a link to the New Living Translation, my favorite “everyday spoken english” translation, of the entire chapter.
Some highlights:
“Against its will, all creation was subjected to God’s curse. But with eager hope, 21 the creation looks forward to the day when it will join God’s children in glorious freedom from death and decay. 22 For we know that all creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. 23 And we believers also groan … for we long for our bodies to be released from sin and suffering. We, too, wait with eager hope for the day when God will give us our full rights as his adopted children”
(of all the analogies he could have used, and he talks about labor. I think you can relate!)
“…he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, “Abba, Father.””
(as a parent, do you stop loving your children when they are angry with you? do you condemn them for not understanding your motives?)
” 26 And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. 27 And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying….”
(both here, and with your old posts)



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Barb

posted August 17, 2009 at 1:21 pm


I believe in yes to all counts although I dunno anything about god.
I could feel my fathers touch for a long time after he passed – rubbing my head as he used to do, perhaps until I was ready to move on. It was wonderful and painful, I missed it/him when it went and am now can be happy it is gone.
Many years later and I am opening up the memories again to share them with his grandchildren that he never knew. Time can erase anger if you let it but never tarnish love.
May strength stay by your side.



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Jezer

posted August 17, 2009 at 1:23 pm


I believe in ghosts. But I don’t think they can read our minds.
God, though? Yeah, he can read minds. And he knows what your heart is saying. You know how when E gets mad at you, and you know it’s just because she doesn’t understand what your grown-up mind understands? It’s the same when we get mad at God. He understands that we’re just people whose heads can’t wrap around what he knows.
I’m thinking of you and I’m praying for you. Many hugs and much love.



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Amy

posted August 17, 2009 at 3:58 pm


It’s a long, hard journey and there are no good answers to these questions, and the answers you find will be yours and yours alone. But you will find peace again. You will. I know this, as the fifth anniversary of my beloved father’s death approaches in a few weeks.
Thinking of you.



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TeacherMommy

posted August 17, 2009 at 5:41 pm


I don’t have the answers. But I do believe, to my core, that God does not mind us yelling at Him, getting mad at Him, telling Him how angry and sad and despairing we are. He cries with us. And then He pulls us into His lap and holds us while we beat our hands on His chest and scream.
It’s just like we do with our little children when they have tantrums. And even when it leaves us with bruises, we still love them and we’re still there waiting for them when they’re all worn out.
His lap is waiting.



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Kiki

posted August 17, 2009 at 5:55 pm


I lost my dad two years ago. I know the mixed feeling of wishing desperately he could ‘haunt’ me and thinking about how horrible it would be for him if that were possible. I had many, many dreams about my father after his death, mostly ones where I hugged him and told him I loved him and I was so proud of him and he was a wonderful father and had a wonderful life, etc. I didn’t get to say goodbye to my father. I felt guilty that I only talked with him briefly a couple of days before his death and couldn’t remember whether or not I had told him I loved him. Maybe he haunted my dreams. After two years, the desperate feeling is gone, and when I do dream about him (I did so on his birthday recently), I feel good to have seen him. You are going through the hardest part right now. I am so sorry for your loss and for the mixed emotions and confusion you are feeling. I don’t believe in God myself, but if he exists I can only imagine that he understands your pain and anger, and he will not hold it against you.
Be well, as well as you can be right now.



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pagansister

posted August 17, 2009 at 7:30 pm


Having lost both parents, Mom 7 years ago, and Dad 4 years ago, I know what you are experiencing. I’m in my 60’s and still feel like a child when I think of them. I was fortunate, they were loving and caring parents for my 2 younger sisters and me. They are in my thoughts daily. No matter when the death of a parent occurs, it is never the “right time”. There is, IMO, no rules on how to grieve. Each does so in their own way. Don’t let someone tell you that it’s been so long (year or whatever) so you should be over it.
Take one day at at time …allow your emotions…go with the flow.



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Karen MEG

posted August 18, 2009 at 11:54 am


Catherine, it is not wrong to wish to be “haunted” by your Dad. It is natural.
My Dad left us in January, in a whirlwind nightmare…but a few months later, he gave me a phone call. Oh, I know it was the middle of the night and in the depths of my sleep. But I know he called me.
And I feel his presence, at odd times of the day. Not in a creepy kinda way at all, but like he’s looking out for me. I still break down at the weirdest times, out of nowhere the tears will come. But I think it’s just that we all grieve a little differently.
Or at least that’s what I pretend.
Hugs to you as you go through this most difficult of difficult times.



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Sharon - Mom Generations

posted August 18, 2009 at 1:25 pm


I came back to read your other comments, and am struck by the similarities in the way people deal with the death of a parent. My Dad died 34 years ago this month. Tragic circumstances did not surround his death, but he suffered cardiac arrest at age 47. Then he was gone. I was a young woman at the time. My last memory of my Dad was the night before he died. I had gone home for dinner with my parents… a lovely, lovely night… and when I was getting into my car to leave, my Dad came to the door to wave, as he always did… but he called to me, “Sis {my nickname from him and him alone}, are you going to be OK? Do you need anything?” I thought it strange and wonderful all at the same time as I answered, “I’m fine!” I waved and he waved and he died early the next morning. Did he sense it? I cherish his last hug and kiss and words and wave each day, even now. I dream of him often, always in his “relaxing” clothes… a red flannel shirt and comfortable pants. He always hugs me with his mammoth hug and tells me everything is fine. I know he visited me on my wedding day… 33 years ago. He was there. He took me by such surprise with his presence. The living man. My Dad also visits my oldest daughter, Audrey, although they’ve never met in the form of life as we know it. The first time she acknowledged his presence was at a swim meet. She was 7 years old, and another little fast-swimming girl was ahead of her. This little girl’s grandfather was her coach. All of a sudden, Audrey took off and finished first. I was stunned, as was the other little girl and her grandfather. I asked Audrey, “What made you swim so fast?” She answered, “I asked Grandpa to help me.” That was that. And he has visited often…
This time for you is so very difficult, so very contemplative, as I wrote previously. But the living man who is your Dad will always be a presence. Different. But here. I know this will not take away your unthinkable pain, and I pray for you and your family to please continue to rely on the strength of those around you.



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Roberta

posted August 18, 2009 at 8:24 pm


Catherine,
My heart cries for you and with you. My mother died 4 1/2 years ago, and your entry from your blog:
“I’m tired. So tired. This process is so long and so hard and so taxing on the heart and soul (although, I know, I know, so necessary and in some ways so good, because this is his last gift to me, this opportunity to take one last journey with him, and to grow up, to really truly grow up, in the process) and so I am tired.”
Summed up so much of the first few years so beautifully.
I wish I could answer your questions for you, but the answers are only yours. I do believe in ghosts, and in our loved ones sending us messages from where they have gone. My mother sent me little feathers and a song when I needed them most. We also talked in a dream, and she told me things that hurt but I needed to know. I also really believe she visited my infant daughter a few months after she died. I understand the desire to be haunted even while you are scared of it, and don’t want that type of existence for them. She hasn’t communicated with me for a while, I think it was just to ease my transition, now she is enjoying all the time she missed with the two children she lost.
My thoughts are with you and your family at this terrible, exhausting time.



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ewe_are_here

posted August 19, 2009 at 6:16 pm


I lost my dad five years ago this month. I don’t know about ghosts, but I do know that there are moments I see him every once in a while, be it walking down the street or sitting on a park bench. It usually comes out of the blue. Unsettling, yes. But I would miss these occasional moments…
My heart goes out to you and yours at this terribe time. Sadly, I know how you feel.



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Kate

posted August 20, 2009 at 10:03 am


My condolences. I can only imagine the pain and lose you are feeling.
The week after my aunt died my sister saw her in our living room, during one of those night time trips to the kitchen. I 100% believe her, even if she wasn’t a ghost per se, I believe that people come back to you sometimes for you. They know you need the peace or closure. I know that when I really am down my uncle hugs me. I swear I can feel it.
I’m not a church going christian, but I believe very much in god. He doesn’t get mad at you for hating him for awhile. Think of him as a good friend or a member of your family. Haven’t you had a fight with one of them and for awhile you absolutely can’t stand them, but under all the bad feelings you still love the person? God gets that, and I hope he can read my mind when I silently say a prayer when I’m in a tough situation or on a bumpy plane ride.



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Busy Mom

posted August 21, 2009 at 3:18 pm


Just checking on you. It’s hard to describe, but you have to get used to the feeling that they are just somewhere where you can’t see them. I never felt that until my mother died.
I’ve found you get the “visits” when you least expect it. I’ve only had a couple, but one of them was actually rather amusing. Until it happened to me, I thought people who described these were a little “touched”, but the presence is real.
As for the religion, just take it as it comes and do what seems right. Long story, but my Christian Scientist uncle ended up having a bit of a Catholic burial when he died.
Just know you will feel like yourself again, and there’s no one measurement of how long it takes.



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Missy

posted January 8, 2010 at 8:12 pm


My Grandmother died in 1987, I was 17 and had just graduated high school. The first time I am sure she decided to make a visit, I was living in a new state, 1500 miles away from home, friends and family, I didn’t have a dollar to my name and my other grandmother had just passed on in PA. It wasn’t the typical seeing her in a dream or hearing her voice, it was someone who looked exactly like her standing in my check out line at my new job. I know she had a hand in it, that was the way Gram worked. The next time, I was in a new position in the store and very newly pregnant with our second son and scared out of my mind about going through the pregnancy and childbirth so far away from my family (and planning on naming him something completely different). This time was even stranger, it was a woman with the very same name as her shopping for a belly dancing costume.
My son was almost 2 when my aunt began to loose her fight to lung cancer. She had enough time to say her good byes before the disease took her will to live and her voice, but I refused to accept it being the eternal optimist that she beat it once, she could beat it again. I didn’t count on the fact that she had been seeing her youngest son walking through their home for months (he had died of cancer the year we moved to Colorado. Very quickly, he was diagnosed in August and died before his 40th birthday in October) nor did I count on the fact that she wanted to hold the infant son she lost way before Joe was even thought of. She told her brothers and sisters that she was going to a party where they weren’t invited. She said her husband was there, their parents and told them how badly her arms ached to hold Larry (the infant). A 6 am on the day she died, I woke up to a hand brushing the hair out of my face. My husband was working midnights, my oldest son was fast asleep in his bed, and the baby was in a play yard sleeping peacefully right beside me. A minute later the phone rang and my Mom told me she had died. Of course the night that she was so very sick and so close to death that we feared she would go, I heard my Grandfather tell someone “There goes the neighborhood”. My parents family knew each other very well before my parents married, and my Pap loved to harass my aunt, anytime he saw her. I just knew that night he was waiting to greet her and give her a hassle (good naturedly) for eternity. It really gave me a sense of peace to know that my aunt was going to be with loved ones.
After we moved home, something happened that tore not only my family apart, but my heart out. Not a death, but a deception that I won’t go into here. And I came to a conclusion of something my aunt told me when my Grandfather died was actually true when at the time it was said, I took offense and stopped talking to her for 6 months. I lost 6 months with her over it and still feel a bit of guilt, but when I came to the conclusion that she was telling the truth and the same person who was responsible for the first lie was also responsible for the second deception, I felt my aunt behind me (don’t ask, I just KNOW it was her) a even felt her hand on my back for hours afterwards. I feel she was letting me know that I was right, and that it was ok.
I’m not your average Christian. While I believe in Jesus and in God and in a Heaven, I don’t believe that a Jesus who would die for humanity would also allow a man like Guandi to go to Hell for the simple crime of not believing the same religion as himself, while all a rapist/murderer needs to do is ask for forgiveness to go to Heaven. I struggle with that part of the Christian belief system. I’m also thankful that for the most part, I don’t see or feel my grandparents or my aunt around me, because to me that means they are finally getting that peace they so rightfully deserve and that I don’t absolutely need them to be with me.
Yes I believe in ghosts, I have more stories of different things that have happened in my life (and in my children’s, my son seemed to be an endless source of amusement for my Grandfather to let us know he was still around)
I also believe in my heart of hearts that our loved ones are around us when we need them. We might not always see the signs, we might not always believe our eyes or ears when it happens, but they are there. Love is an even stronger emotion than anger, the energy that it surrounds us in, never dies. Just like any energy, it just converts to a new level. If you look back through the past five years, I’m willing to bet that you will find at least one thing that happened in your life that was just so your dad. Thats your sign.



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