The trauma and grief of growing in a an alcoholic or addicted family create a lifetime of
baggage. If you grew up in an addicted family, the dysfunction that permeated every
aspect of your childhood may have seemed “normal,” and you may not even realize the level of affect alcohol still has on your adult life–whether or not you drink.
Often you chose relationships that reenact what you grew up with such as having partners that are not emotionally or physically present, such as your parents. You may find yourself contributing to enabling behaviors as your parents did growing up. You might chose to live in denial about important issues in your life, because that is the only defense mechanism you feel comfortable with when you are in pain. You might feel chronically numb (a living dead feeling) because the trauma you grew up with still lives in every cell of your being.
If you are one of the millions of Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOAs), the cost of your childhood pain can be unbearable, says Jane Middelton-Moz and Lorie Dwinell in their book “After the Tears.” (Health Communications, Inc.) You may have learned how to “survive,” but are you “living” your life? Do you fear normal conflict? Do you blame yourself when something goes wrong–even when it isn’t your fault? Are you a chaos junkie? Or do you just fear relationships because they are too difficult or too painful?
I hope to hear some of your answers to these important questions about the affects alcohol or addictions have had on your family.
Sherry Gaba, LCSW, is a Psychotherapist and Life Coach in private practice and on Celebrity Rehab on VH1. Sherry is a frequent contributor to anthologies, blogs, and newsletters, and is a sought-after speaker. Visit Sherry at www.sgabatherapy.com for information aobut life-coaching programs, teleseminars, and webinars, and read her blogs at Counselor Magazine and The Law of Sobriety Blog
Get Ready as I join 2 MOMS AND A MIC August 25, 2010 at 1400 KKZZ.com 8 AM Pacific Time to discuss everything you always wanted to know about addiction and rehab.
“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.” Everyone knows that little serenity prayer, and many 12-step meetings close with it. If you’re still finding your way to sobriety, the second part–“the courage to change the things I can”–may seem especially important to you right now, as you work to change your life. But I heard a talk recently about how important the first part–“the serenity to accept the things I cannot change”–can be the key to lasting happiness.
The talk was by Matthieu Richard, a French molecular biologist who left science behind and moved to the Himalayas to become a Buddhist monk (you can watch his talk here: http://www.ted.com/talks/matthieu_ricard_on_the_habits_of_happiness.html). He says you can actually train your mind to be happy, no matter what your circumstances.
Richard starts by explaining the difference between happiness and pleasure. Pleasure is external to our inner consciousness, and it doesn’t last. For example, maybe a piece of chocolate cake brings us pleasure, but as soon as we’ve eaten it, the pleasure is gone. Happiness is something lasting and deep. It’s not just a pleasurable sensation, he says, but “a deep sense of serenity and fulfillment, a state that actually pervades and underlies all emotional states and all the joys and sorrows that can come one’s way. . . . Can we have this kind of well-being while being sad? In a way, why not? Because we are speaking of a different level.”
This kind of happiness is doomed if we look outside ourselves for it, because the world is full of the things we cannot change. However, inside ourselves, we can change anything. Says Richard, “That is the ground for mind training. Mind training is based on the idea that two opposite mental factors cannot happen at the same time. You could go from love to hate. But you cannot, at the same time, toward the same object, the same person, want to harm and want to do good.”
So, if your typical reaction to something is to want to do harm, you can train your mind to think of doing good instead. And if you usually react to something with anger or disappointment or resistance, you can train your mind to accept it with serenity instead.
Is this really possible? Studies show that it is. For example, people who meditate on loving-kindness show actual changes in their brain. Over time, these changes become part of the way the brain reacts. Richard compares this to a violinist who practices a piece over and over. Eventually, the musician learns the piece so well that new pathways are formed in her brain and she can play it without thinking consciously about it. The same is true when we practice happiness and serenity as ways of reacting to events in our lives. Eventually, they become automatic reactions, new ways of being, that give us the serenity to accept what we cannot change.
Sherry Gaba, LCSW, is a Psychotherapist and Life Coach in private practice and on Celebrity Rehab on VH1. Sherry is a frequent contributor to anthologies, blogs, and newsletters, and sought out speaker. Visit Sherry at www.sgabatherapy.com for information about life-coaching programs, teleseminars, and webinars, and read her other blog at Counsellor Magazine and The Law of Sobriety Blog with HCI Publications.
This weekend turned out to be one of those life lessons that when we let go of resisting something, anything and everything is possible. My husband has wanted to go camping for the longest time with our family and I had been resisting the idea. Yes, I am a city girl and my idea of a weekend getaway is staying in a beautiful resort overlooking the ocean. I had not been open to this type of vacation, but finally, I gave in because it was so important to my husband.
There were at least 25 of us including my daughter, my husband, my husband’s siblings and our nieces and nephews and their significant others. I was able to first-hand experience the joy of simplicity. I noticed how present I became as I walked the camp grounds overlooking the lake, the other campers, and through the trees observing all my senses come alive. I had resisted camping at first because it was something new and change for people in recovery can be a daunting task. I wasn’t sure what to expect and to my surprise, I experienced complete and utter peacefulness and contentment.
I realized that camping doesn’t require a lot of decision making. When you go to a hotel getaway you have to figure out what sights you are going to see or what restaurants you are going to eat at, but camping has its own rhythm and routines. It allows for a sense of community and sharing with the simplest of tasks like heating a tortilla over the open fire. One person would heat them and the other one would stack them. So mundane and yet I felt so mindfully engaged in the process. Sitting around the camp fire going around making our funniest faces seemed absurd and yet, so simple and fun. Our bellies ached from so much laughter.
Focus on the simple things that still exist in our world today. We have trees we can stand under, flowers we can see and smell, and air we can breathe in deeply. I learned this weekend once again to be open and willing to new experiences especially when I am resisting it. I realized that much of my life lately has been isolative working endlessly to get my book out. Perhaps I have been neglecting the simple joys of nature for the computer, cell phone, and fax machine. I am grateful to my husband for allowing me to experience the essence of camping and renewing my body, mind, and spirit.
Sherry Gaba, LCSW, is a Psychotherapist and Life Coach in private practice and on Celebrity Rehab on VH1. Sherry is a frequent contributor to anthologies, blogs, and newsletters, and sought out speaker. Visit Sherry at www.sgabatherapy.com for information about life-coaching programs, teleseminars, and webinars, and read her other blog at Counsellor Magazine and HCI.