The Celebrity Therapist

Krister_linder_good_intentionsIt is common to hear addicts talk about themselves as if they were different than other people. They have often gone through so much and felt dehumanized so many times that seeing things work for other people is like watching a foreign film, they can’t understand the message and they don’t get the plot.

In my book “The Law of Sobriety”, I discuss how important it is for addicts to see themselves as any other person. Learning how to tap into the Law of Attraction and using the energy provided to us by the Universe can be used for healing addictions and developing a positive message to send forth to the world around us.

The Problem

A very big problem is the inability of the addict to see the damage the addiction has caused. As with any type of healing process, there has to be an acknowledgment of an illness before the treatment seems logical. Additionally, active steps have to be taken to change thinking, behaviors, and habits to allow for a successful recovery.

Too many times people with addictions misunderstand how the Law of Attraction works. It is not just simply wishing for things; it is creating intentional choices to remove the source of the addiction from your life on a daily basis. It is not just a once a week practice to check off on a list of things to do; it is an approach to life that is a guiding  philosophy to direct our energy and that of the Universe around us to help us to achieve our goals.

At the same time, we are actively working to achieve those goals. It will never be effective to simply think about not drinking and then go the bar with your friends. Instead, you will need to have purpose and intention in finding other activities that don’t involve the use of alcohol, drugs or any other addictive substance.

The Reward

The reward in using your energy to change behaviors while having purpose and intention in your life is truly inspiring. You will find opportunities are presented that weren’t there before. You will gain strength in getting through an increasing number of days without using, which puts you on the path to lifelong addiction recovery.

Sherry Gaba, LCSW, Radio Host, Certified Transformation Coach and author of  the award winning book, The Law of Sobriety:Attracting Positive Energy for a Powerful Recovery and Ecourse  Find out if you are #codependent. Take my quiz. 30 minute strategy session with Sherry

luv adThere is lot in the media about love addiction, but what about Relationship Addicts? How do they differ from Love Addicts? What makes them special and harder to treat? Why are they more likely to relapse?

Relationship Addicts [RA] were the first type of love addict to be recognized. They were first called co-alcoholics and then later co-dependents. As the media moved on to write extensively about the Love Addict, Relationship Addicts have been left in the dust until recently. Now there is a resurgence of interest in the RA.

Let me begin, by stating that what sets a RA’s apart from a Love Addict is that he or she is in a relationship.  Love Addicts are often obsessing about someone who is unavailable. Furthermore, most RA’s are also co-dependent. [Please note that there are as many male RA’s as women.]

According to Love Addicts Anonymous, there are two types of Relationship Addicts (RA):

Type One are RA’s who no longer love their partner romantically. The honeymoon is over. Still,  they cannot let go. Usually, they are so unhappy that the relationship is affecting their health, spirit and emotional wellbeing.  Even if their partner batters them, and they are in danger, they cannot let go. They are afraid of being alone. They are afraid of withdrawal. They are afraid of change. They do not want to hurt or abandon their partners. I describe this as “I hate you don’t leave me.”

Type Two are RA’s who are addicted to a relationship with a parent, child, friend, sibling, or anyone for whom they have never had romantic feelings.

Type Three is the RA who goes from one relationship to another without taking a break in between. They are terrified of being alone. Often they seek out a a new relationship when the one they are in begins to deteriorate. Some RA’s of this kind have never lived alone in their entire life. Relationships are their life.

Signs to look out for.

  1. You are too dependent on this person (financially or emotionally).
  2. You do not know where you leave off and they begin.
  3. You hang out with them too much.
  4. You cannot make decisions without their input.
  5. This person comes first. You always do what they say to do. You give in to them.
  6. You doubt your own decisions.
  7. Your needs are less important than the needs of this person.
  8. When you are not in contact you go into withdrawal.
  9. You have overwhelming compulsion to contact them even when you are living your own life.
  10. You always want to make sure they are okay.
  11. Everyone has told you the relationship is unhealthy but you keep hanging on.

At the later stages of the addiction, you can’t stand this person but you can’t let him or her go. You feel relief initially when they are not around, but then panic and want to make contact for no explainable reason.

Treatment for RA’s is more complicated because RA’s want to continue their relationships with their children, parents, or friends. Sometimes they have financial ties, shared custody, or a business relationship with an ex-partner. No Contact does not work for them. This is why RA’s relapse more often.

Relationship addicts who need or want to stay involved such in such relationships need to approach recovery differently. They need to create healthy boundaries which help them stay connected and yet enjoy their own lives. This is not easy. I suggest they read about boundaries and learn what they are. Where does their relationship with their husband, ex, or child start and leave off?

Once you know what healthy boundaries are enforce them. This is a process and will take time, but don’t give up. As Robin Norwood explained in her book, Women Who Love Too Much, the people you have been addicted to will rebel when you start taking care of yourself, but they will fall in line and actually encourage you if they really care. If they don’t care then just live with this.

You are as important as everyone in your life. Creating your independence is the first step in establishing healthy relationships. When you love and honor yourself you have more to offer others. Not all the things you think they want, but the gift of yourself which is even more meaningful to them if they really care about you.

Sherry Gaba, LCSW, Radio Host, Certified Transformation Coach and author of  the award winning book, The Law of Sobriety:Attracting Positive Energy for a Powerful Recovery and Ecourse  Find out if you are #codependent. Take my quiz. 30 minute strategy session with Sherry

badWhenever we get into a new romantic relationship, it’s natural for us to be infatuated and want to spend a lot of time with them. For those of us that are codependents or love addicts, we can become dangerously obsessed. The problem is that we don’t have anything to compare ourselves to, so we can’t see that it’s normal. That’s why we need to be able to recognize red flags. When we pay attention to the warnings, we can make sure that we don’t put ourselves into situations or relationships that are unsafe.

What are the red flags we have to look for then? Have any of your friends told you that you disappear whenever you have a partner? Do you become flaky and start missing out on things you normally wouldn’t have? Sometimes we become so obsessed that we forget about the other relationships in our lives. Relationships need to be nurtured to thrive, and a lot of times we can lose touch with close friends in the throes of a new relationship. You can look back to recent events, and ask if there are any important ones you’ve missed. What were you doing instead? Oftentimes we are afraid to upset the balance, so we will just go along with what our partner wants. If we look back and see we’ve missed important gatherings, it is probably a sign to take a step back and evaluate the amount of time you’re putting into relationships. Another red flag to look for has to do with how your time is being spent. Do you find yourself waiting around for your new partner? Are you choosing to spend time hoping they will call, rather than being out and doing fun things? This is a major red flag. The only person that we should be putting any part of our life on hold for is ourselves. Waiting around on the off chance that the other person will want to connect with you gives them the power. You allow them to dictate the terms of your relationship, and it turns you into a martyr because you feel

As though you’ve put so much aside for this person. We owe it to ourselves to live our lives, and not spend them waiting around for another person to show up. The person we are meant to be with will be able to join you on your journey, not stop you in your tracks.

These are some of the red flags to look out for when getting into a new relationship. It even can help to ask ourselves these questions in a relationship that’s not so new; taking inventory of things is never a bad idea.

The only way to overcome these red flags is to start noticing them. Pay attention to your body. I find that we often feel things in our gut or intuition that our brains don’t process, and tapping into those feelings can help us become aware of things we’d like to work on.

Sherry Gaba, LCSW, Radio Host, Certified Transformation Coach and author of  the award winning book, The Law of Sobriety:Attracting Positive Energy for a Powerful Recovery and Ecourse  Find out if you are #codependent. Take my quiz. 30 minute strategy session with Sherry

luv adLove addiction can mean so many different things to people. There is no set diagnosis for it, and no list of things you *must* have or do to have it.  For those of us that know we are love addicts, think back to how hard it was to find out, and then come to terms with.  We can’t truly recover if we deny our problem.  Love addiction is just like everything else: it can’t to me. Oh, how wrong we are.  The only way we can step out of our denial is to recognize, acknowledge, and accept that we are love addicts. Here are some things love addicts do (there are MANY more):

Obsessing: I think this is sort of a hallmark of love addiction. We constantly think about the other person, and never pay full attention to ourselves.

Fantasizing: This can go with obsession a lot of times. What happens with fantasizing is it can set us up for pain. We think about the world that we have this lover, how they ask us out, where we go, etc., and we become upset when their response doesn’t align with our fantasy.

Ignore red flags: the beginning of a relationship is always the most fun. There is so much to learn about and do with this exciting new person. Sometimes, we let irritations or warning signs slip by us because we assume that if we are together, nothing else really matters and it will get fixed. Always heed warning signs!

Taking their word:  Nice words mean a lot to us, because we generally weren’t treated nicely in past relationships.  We want to love this person so badly that we forgive their actions if they can talk their way out of it.  Make sure they can walk their talk!

Being devastated by the end of the relationship: Obviously mourning a breakup is normal and something that everyone goes through. As love addicts, a breakup can upend our entire worlds. It throws us into a depression so deep that we feel unworthy and at our lowest when we feel that the person we love doesn’t return our affections.

These are just some of the ways that Love addiction can manifest in people. There are so many other ways, and the more you delve into it, the more layers you will ultimately find in yourself.

Sherry Gaba, LCSW, Radio Host, Certified Transformation Coach and author of  the award winning book, The Law of Sobriety:Attracting Positive Energy for a Powerful Recovery and Ecourse  Find out if you are #codependent. Take my quiz. 30 minute strategy session with Sherry