Stuff Christian Culture Likes

Stuff Christian Culture Likes


#37 Not masturbating

posted by Stephanie Drury
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Christians are preoccupied with this subject, perhaps to the point of obsession. Christian culture starts them young. Beginning in youth group boys are pulled aside for “one-on-one time” during which the youth pastor tells them that sex is a beautiful gift from God and then urges them to remember God’s call for purity. The message seems to be: If your thoughts are pure then you won’t want to masturbate, right? Thus begins the shame spiral.

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Sometimes in youth group a guy will stand up and ask for prayer for his chronic masturbation. Accountability partners are assigned so they can keep tabs on how they’re not whacking off. The youth group leader approaches guys at church retreats and asks “Do you struggle with masturbating?” The college singles group announces an Every Man’s Battle workbook study. Support groups are formed for the whackmasters to congregate and discuss how hard it is to keep their hands off their junk. No validity is given to the medical assertion that it’s the first thing men do when they’re coming out of a coma. (Poor guy, fresh out of a coma and already he’s lusting.) No one seems to engage the possibility that giving this subject so much attention could be feeding the obsession, creating a fetish, or becoming idol worship.

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[He's totally checking out her ass.]

A typical excerpt from a Christian book on male masturbation goes like this: “I can still remember the first issue of Playboy I found in the ditch behind my house. The images are etched on my brain. Little did I know this encounter would lead me down a path of desolation and destruction that would dismantle and distort the God-given design and gift of sexuality.”

You’re not likely to read a Christian culture book that goes “I can still remember the first issue of Playboy I found in the ditch behind my house. Little did I know this encounter would one day lead me down a path of exhaustive married sex that is unspeakably better than wanking.”

**This post orginially aired August 28, 2008, and warranted a repost for the traffic volume it might incur.



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Timothy

posted July 19, 2010 at 3:09 pm


Of course he’s checking out her ass! It’s what guys do.
The war on masturbation is something like the war on drugs. Both masturbation and drugs have won.
I’ve also always thought it was interesting that it’s the guys who get those kind of talks and books and seminars. Where are the similar resources for the girls?



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Spinning

posted July 19, 2010 at 3:21 pm


@ Timothy: but similar resources for girls would mean admitting that teen girls – and adult women – have sexual feelings, and *that* would likely cause all sorts of consternation! ;) (Srsly, it would.)
Do girls and women sometimes get pulled aside for “the talk”? Yes. And it can be pretty damning.



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Beth

posted July 19, 2010 at 3:34 pm


In my youth group days, us girls got pulled aside for a “talk,” but the thesis of our talk was “don’t get an abortion,” and the logic behind it (at least in the version I got) was, “People like Beethoven and Mozart were born to unwed mothers of twenty children, so by getting an abortion you’re killing the next Mozart.” Which is another topic for another time, I’m sure.



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stephanie drury

posted July 19, 2010 at 3:40 pm


In my evangelical experience, no one breathed a word about girls masturbating.



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Billy

posted July 19, 2010 at 3:44 pm


Pro’s and con’s.



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Spinning

posted July 19, 2010 at 4:24 pm


@ stephy: well, maybe that’s a Texas thing? ;) (Not kidding; I’m from the East Coast.)



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Matt

posted July 19, 2010 at 4:28 pm


Amen, especially to the “idol worship” part. I’ve never met a group of people so obsessed with sex as Christians. It’s actually kind of scary: it seems like some of them take it to the point that having married sex will be the BEST THING EVER and their life will finally begin once they get there. I’m not married, and I’m a virgin, but I’m well aware of the fact that the first time will probably be terribly awkward, and all those pent-up expectations that come crashing down at once may be highly unpleasant.
The fact that the church equates sexuality with shame (at least to males) is the most troubling aspect of all. How is someone supposed to accept this facet of life when it is the ‘proper’ time? How are they supposed to learn how to express sexual interest if their brain is interjecting repeatedly about their ‘evil’ thoughts?



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Kyle

posted July 19, 2010 at 4:38 pm


This subject came up a bunch during various youth programs for me too. But I was always confused, was I supposed to feel bad about wet dreams too? And sitting around thinking about NOT masturbating for your entire adolescence is probably just as damaging as doing it at every possible chance.



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Spinning

posted July 19, 2010 at 4:39 pm


@ Matt: the shame thing is universal; men and women alike get the indoctrination!



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Spinning

posted July 19, 2010 at 5:00 pm


@ Kyle: yeah – it’s like there’s just no allowance for normality (for anyone of either sex). And telling someone to not think about something (pink elephants, circus clowns, whatever) *does* tend to make it impossible to think about anything else…
i agree that the approach you’re talking about is profoundly unhealthy and has the potential for intense damage.



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Anon

posted July 19, 2010 at 5:51 pm


‘Whackmasters’
Ha!



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luke

posted July 19, 2010 at 6:26 pm


Meh. Overall I find about the same ratio of friends obsessed with sex or masturbation in my Christian and non-Christian circles. And actually, I find (Christian and non) critics of Christianity talk about it longer and louder than most. For most Christians I know, it’s important, but just one element of many. For most critics of Christianity, it’s an easy categorical target for ridiculing Christians.



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sarasuperid

posted July 19, 2010 at 6:40 pm


Oftentimes a blanket prohibition of a common activity leads to avoidance of talking about the realities of the activity and how to handle it properly.
No premarital sex blots out any discussion of safe sex.
No masturbation blots out any discussion of legal pornography.
As something human and normal is pushed further into the dark, it can become more twisted.



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Rachel

posted July 19, 2010 at 6:43 pm


@Spinning: I live on the West Coast and I’ve never heard any talk about female masturbation from the Evangelical circles I’ve been a part of. And it’s weird that no one seems to notice the discrepancy; it’s like it’s physically impossible for girls to feel pleasure, or something.



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Spinning

posted July 19, 2010 at 7:18 pm


@ Rachel: I hear you… and kind of think the non-mentions have a lot to do with potential awkwardness in talking about a “difficult” subject as well as fear of what might happen if it *is* talked about. That makes avoidance an easier choice, though not the wisest one.
As for East Coast vs. wherever, I wonder if there’s a denominational thing at work, more than geography? (i honestly don’t know.) My background is a lot “higher” (not evangelical), and my years in evangelical/charismatic circles were largely spent among people from similarly “high” backgrounds. Fundies aren’t the only ones who guilt-trip kids and – at the same time – avoid talking about normal sexual feelings (and things like safe sex) in a healthy way.



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Rob

posted July 20, 2010 at 5:09 am


What religions (not just Christianity) conveniently forget, is that we were (and still are) animals long before religion was discovered/invented, and we’ll respond to our animal insincts before any other considerations.
The primary function of any religion is power and control – and has nothing at all to do with faith or belief. The idea of “whackmasters” or wanking mentors would be hilarious if it wasn’t so subversively sinister. A perfect example of this control! Luke is spot on, it does make a very easy target for ridicule, but it’s not hard to come up with many more.
Rachel’s comment highlights that all religions are male dominated and female masturbation is never mentioned! (Nice girls don’t do it …..) What an insult!
Your beliefs are … your beliefs, and should always be respected, but don’t get taken in by the rest of it …



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Barb

posted July 20, 2010 at 6:28 am


God’s Word warns us of many sins not just masturbation….the Bible speaks to us about living a Christian life and masturbation is just a part of walking a life acceptable to God….we stay focused on the full scriptural message….maturing spiritually and living a clean life both in mind and body….a life worthy of the eternal Kingdom.



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Meghan

posted July 20, 2010 at 9:37 am


I don’t know that I can comment on the idea that not masturbating will make my life ‘worthy of the eternal Kingdom,” but I can tell you that in my experience, boys got the “don’t masturbate/don’t lust” talk and girls were pulled aside to be told not to MAKE boys lust. Our shame cycle was all about how pretty much everything we did, from the type of jeans we wore to how we sat in a chair to our “too-familiar” behavior with guys we’d grown up with were all “stumbling blocks” destined to drag the dudes down from their pedestal of purity. Our only option, really, seemed to be nunnery- except, of course, that Roman Catholicism was probably the Whore of Babylon. Etc, etc, ad nauseum. (Captcha: sort bleakness)



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Emily

posted July 20, 2010 at 11:35 am


In my experience, there was also a lot of shame for girls around this subject. In all of the “how far is too far?” lectures we got in church, the main focus was not to feel lust – ANY kind of lust, even for yourself.
I can remember being about 15 years old, discovering my own body, and every single time I would masturbate, I’d lay in bed and cry and pray to God to take this away and make me pure. I tell you, it was agony. It was definitely the “shame spiral” as Stephanie said. I remember confessing to a youth group leader (a girl) and her telling me that it was a struggle God was testing me with and that I should stop. There is nothing worse in Christian culture than making people feel shame at something that’s not even addressed in the bible (smoking, listening to secular music, masturbating, etc.) – their life becomes a constant struggle to be something they are not.
That definitely messed me up for quite some time. I think I came to associate any sexual feelings at all with sin. I think that while the intent is to keep kids “pure,” it backfires by not allowing them to have a healthy sexual relationship for some time, until they get over that feeling of guilt. I was finally able to have a healthy sexual relationship in my 30s. My 30s!
I recently read that Dr. James Dobson REVERSED his philosophy on masturbation, and said it’s something people are just going to do (well, guys). There’s surprisingly little talk about girls. I guess as @Rachel said, we have no sexual feelings.



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kenneth

posted July 20, 2010 at 6:59 pm


Ah yes, the good old Christian conditioning on sex. A way to repress and distort a natural drive to produce men whose only outlet is seedy trysts with male escorts and “lolita” porn sites. Cause God knows we don’t have enough emotionally stunted men in America!



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Heather

posted July 20, 2010 at 7:48 pm


I used to pledge, every year, before church camp, that I would give up masturbating. I was convinced I was the only girl who had ever done it, and felt so ashamed of it. Many years later, I know differently.
This shaming over masturbation is sad. I knew guys who went to the altar week after week because they felt they were sinning because they masturbated. Don’t have sex. Don’t masturbate. Don’t go “too far” whatever that is. There was a repression and never a healthy discussion about sexuality. Only “don’t do it.”
I recall a Youth Worker journal article in which a youth pastor made a case for masturbation. People came unglued. God forbid we learn to express our sexuality in healthy ways. And we wonder why there are so many creepers in the church.



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Ann

posted July 21, 2010 at 3:18 am


Actually, Every Man’s Battle has a female-focused counterpart, which spends much of its time discussing the finer points of how not to force guys into lusting after you, you overly sexual little girl, but also addresses female masturbation.
It’s been a long time since I read it, but I still remember one of the classic anecdotes: one of their supposed case studies tells the tragic tale of a chronic self-pleasurer who is married to a guy whose clumsy fingers fail to get her off, leaving him, poor chap, feeling unsatisfied with his performance (never mind how she feels). The moral of the story? Don’t touch yourself (instead of the more obvious answer of: gently teach your lover all you know about your body).



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Butterhorn

posted July 21, 2010 at 11:41 am


I knew a house of boys that attended Point Loma Nazarene University. They had a jar where they would put a dollar every time they whacked off in order to dissuade them. (You got scared before you knew what the jar was for right?)
My friend, Greg, desiring to live in the beachside house location was torn over this little “house rule” of the dollar in the jar, but ultimately went for it, constantly haunted by the jar and the house rule.
But can you imagine the excellent jokes?! …
“Whose wad is in that jar?!!!”
“Did you really blow that much?!”
“I saw that dollar cumming”
“I could actually hear you deposit that”
“Don’t wave that thing at me!”
“I call mine Bill, and I’m a Bill Collector”



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Sarah

posted July 21, 2010 at 1:14 pm


Female masturbation wasn’t mentioned at all in the evangelical churches of my upbringing, but we gals got to hear the “masturbation = SIN SIN SIN” along with the boys in a bunch of youth group talks, and we learned all the shame about sex right alongside the boys. They equated lust with sexual impulses (and even taught that it wasn’t masturbation itself that was so horrible, but the fantasizing that went along with it — so the damage of the teaching was subtler and extremely psychological), blamed the girls for causing the boys to “stumble” when they wore attractive clothes (I wore jeans and loose T-shirts for YEARS after leaving that environment) and taught that we as females were dirty and evil by nature of having breasts and vaginas and all those things that caused good boys to trip up in their purity walks.
Meanwhile the boys were never trained in how to treat girls with respect, only to view them as objects that were there to bring them down. The good boys avoided girls at all costs, stunting their interactions with the opposite sex, and the bad boys took advantage of the objectifying to treat girls like crap for the physical excitement, bringing a huge streak of cruelty to the already tortured relationship arena. But none of that was as important to the adults as making sure everyone knew how bad masturbation, lust and dating were.
One of the many really stupid things about this obsession with “lust” and huge taboo on masturbation is that this culture’s constituents teach that masturbation is selfish, and in so doing teach that you can only find God-blessed sexual satisfation from someone else — that is to say, your sexual identity becomes dependent on an external source. Which they also say is wrong, and one of the problems with promiscuity. Dissonance much?
(CAPTCHA: psyches both)



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Ken

posted July 21, 2010 at 2:23 pm


Why are we allowed to eat apples? That’s what Eve tempted Adam with, right?



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Mon

posted July 21, 2010 at 3:56 pm


Christian Culture girls should take advantage of the fact that no one thinks their masturbating in the first place. If played their cards right, they could justify having all the solo fun with none of the guilt. Bonus points for doing it while their male friends are in anti-masturbation class.



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Rachel

posted July 21, 2010 at 5:09 pm


@ Butterhorn:
Those jokes made me laugh. Shame your friend didn’t actually use those.
@ Sarah:
“and even taught that it wasn’t masturbation itself that was so horrible, but the fantasizing that went along with it — so the damage of the teaching was subtler and extremely psychological”
Which always struck me as weird. Masturbation automatically equals lewd fantasy? Because apparently no one masturbates simply because it feels good and they need some sexual release, they’re *really* imagining doing it with somebody hot.
@ Butterhorn
I lol’d.



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Sarah

posted July 21, 2010 at 8:44 pm


@kenneth – love your comments. So fabulous.
@Rachel – I know! But when you live in a world where everything is a polarity, you can’t have a middle ground, I guess. And the thought police hate to sit around doing nothing. Everything is a battleground between good and evil, and our minds are the first front. (Which I do believe is true, that our minds are enormously important. But I think this culture expends a ton of energy and money fighting stupid battles — or fighting important battles in really ridiculous and ineffectual ways. Couples have crappy relationships, so let’s make them have lots of sex! Teen promiscuity is on the rise, so no masturbating! Wha…?)



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Spinning

posted July 21, 2010 at 9:53 pm


@ Sarah: excellent points. I didn’t grow up in evangelical culture, but started encountering it in my mid-teens.
And that whole psychological thing you’re talking about (fear of fantasies, fear of selfishness, etc. etc. ad nauseam) was sort of drummed into our heads. It all adds up to guilt guilt guilt GUILT for anyone who tries to be “good.”
This is *so* true:
“But I think this culture expends a ton of energy and money fighting stupid battles — or fighting important battles in really ridiculous and ineffectual ways.”
(capcha: crossfire in)



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Spinning

posted July 21, 2010 at 9:55 pm


@ Sarah: excellent points. I didn’t grow up in evangelical culture, but started encountering it in my mid-teens.
And that whole psychological thing you’re talking about (fear of fantasies, fear of selfishness, etc. etc. ad nauseam) was sort of drummed into our heads. It all adds up to guilt guilt guilt GUILT for anyone who tries to be “good.”
This is *so* true:
“But I think this culture expends a ton of energy and money fighting stupid battles — or fighting important battles in really ridiculous and ineffectual ways.”
(capcha: crossfire in)



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Gaypet

posted July 22, 2010 at 12:42 pm


We were told that girls should not masturbate because if we learned to please ourselves then we wouldn’t want a husband. So true.



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stephanie drury

posted July 22, 2010 at 2:36 pm


Adam Carolla says “Sex is good but it isn’t the real thing.”



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butterhorn

posted July 22, 2010 at 4:38 pm


Sarah’s quote:
“But I think this culture expends a ton of energy and money fighting stupid battles — or fighting important battles in really ridiculous and ineffectual ways.”
How many unwanted pregnancies can be avoided with masturbation? How many abortions?
I sat in when a female youth leader gave some 50-odd girls the ol run around about not dressing to cause the boys to stumble. she specified the fact that direct light on a skirt without a slip underneath can give the visual of the sweet spot. Also she spelled out how panty lines are distracting. So what Beth Decker we wear thongs? yeah, that’s not distracting at all.
Does anyone remember how much energy and guilt was thrown towards not cussing or using the lord’s name in vain? Is the Lord so dense that he doesn’t know we just stubbed our toe and didn’t actually mean “damn god” when we said the GD word.
To me, cussing is the least of my problems. Instead of cuss-guilt, I wish the same time were allotted to something useful ( how to change the oil on a car.. dangers of credit cards… how to sew a button?) I swear that it made me want to cuss more. I swear!



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Lee

posted July 22, 2010 at 9:18 pm


Just another way Christian Culture tries to kill humanness in its adherents. Religion stinks.



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Bill

posted July 23, 2010 at 12:23 am


Hahahahahaha! Butterhorn, I couldn’t sew a button to save my life. Awesome.
Stephy, how do you keep so many nailed-it quotations in your head all the time? Thanks for that.



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cd

posted July 24, 2010 at 4:51 am


It has been pointed out that a lot of organized religion operates by creating a guilt cycle.
People are made to feel guilty about things that are neither wrong in lots of instances nor truly preventable- masturbation, swearing, flirting, reading certain kinds of books, looking at pictures of underclad people, showing up for church or class late, talking to outsiders, disagreeing with the priest or his/her parents, et cetera.
They then feel guilty and get correction. And the correction is always pressure to misapply the rule(s) even more severely. Soon a lapse happens, which leads to more guilt and more submission and more correction and even more severity. The cycle repeats.
Eventually the guilt gets internalized and the person feels worthless and helpless because s/he can’t master the problem. At which point they become emotionally dependent on forgiveness by an authority figure and/or have weird breakdowns.



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Flah the Heretic Methodist

posted July 24, 2010 at 10:58 pm


I’m seriously averse to inserting theology into something that is simply biology. Good post, Steph.



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Sarah

posted July 25, 2010 at 12:39 pm


cd: awesomely put. I got chills.
And then dedication to addressing and solving real problems like poverty, war, waste, hatred, oppression and abuse evaporates. It’s the perfect way to ignore the things that are actually destroying our world.



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Steve

posted July 25, 2010 at 9:41 pm


Sarah, cd: I agree completely. Jesus didn’t come to inflict a guilt trip on us. He came to get rid of it by showing us who the Father really is. That’s what “metanoia” really means: change your mind–that’s what Jesus is saying at the beginning of the gospels: The Kingdom of God is at hand, change your mind about who God is–NOT flagellate yourself for all your many sins. This is why I don’t participate any more in the prayer of confession in sunday worship.



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Sarah

posted July 26, 2010 at 11:56 am


Steve: Fascinating. I hadn’t made that extra leap to not saying the confessional prayer. It IS really interesting to consider that it’s much easier, when one has hurt another person, to feel guilty and confess to God and feel better than it is to seek reconciliation in the disrupted or damaged human relationship. Which brings to mind Jesus saying, “Therefore [referring to being angry with your brother more or less equaling murder], if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift” (Matthew 5:23,24).
So basically confession to God (or relationship with God) is meaningless if you aren’t seeking to mend and grow in your relationships with other people; if I’m not “right” with others (i.e. at peace, in love, health and communion) to the extent I’m capable of and/or responsible for being right with them, it doesn’t matter how “right” I feel with God. It’s not about my “personal relationship with God”; it’s about the increasing presence of God (i.e. honesty, love, mercy, grace, forgiveness, acceptance…or, perhaps, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control) in my relationships with people. Nothing I can do for God or promise God or give to God matters if I’m not loving my neighbor.
And if reconciliation is established, there’s no need for guilt, because forgiveness is already there.
In light of that, fixating so extensively on masturbation, swearing, regular “devotions,” etc. – all the components of a purity or acceptability code – seems really trivial, selfish, cowardly and almost a deliberate missing of the point. It’s a way to live in denial, and there’s no “life to the full” anywhere in it.
And it’s really, really sad that a lot of Christian people don’t care to remember that people they should love have been hurt by them (“have something against” them — so radical, that Jesus should say, “if your brother has something against you,” rather than “if you have something against your brother”), and choose to live in this fixation, this denial, rather than in relationship with, oftentimes, members of their own family, some of whom — myself included — frequent this forum (and how glad I am that I have found so many of you!). I’m not saying that those of us who are experiencing and/or recovering from damaged relationships with our loved ones due to our deviance from Christian culture’s dictated path are at fault or should feel guilty because of those broken or strained relationships. Not at all. It’s so horrible and painful that grace and love get trampled under the demands of one interpreted way of being. And there’s no easy answer for that.



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Sarah

posted July 26, 2010 at 12:32 pm


All that being said, I think I will keep saying the confessional prayers in church; to me they’re more about honesty and the reassurance of love than they are about assuaging false guilt and allowing a person to remain passive.



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Ryan

posted January 2, 2011 at 11:14 pm


I registered just to comment on this post, even though it is old.
I was raised an evangelical lutheran, and became an atheist on the day they told me that masturbating would send me to hell. I thought that was kind of funny. It always seemed extremely suspect to me that they were so obsessed with it. When I got older and learned about the amount of sexual abuse happening is various denominations it was no longer a mystery.



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Thomas

posted January 19, 2011 at 11:50 am


This post is in my top fav 5 of yours. So funny, yet so true. The last time I was subjected to a “boys only” meeting was at bible school a number of years ago. And why is it when the meeting is guys only, it feels like a death camp?
Anyway, if anyone is looking for amusement, here’s some great anti-whackmaster reading from a guy I knew back in bible school…
http://www.fuquestions.com/blogs/the-master-debaters-volume-ii



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Rebecca

posted April 14, 2011 at 2:19 pm


Sarah or Emily, I’m not sure if you’re around or not but I’m struggling with the guilt of masturbation, and could really use a female for support. Would you be willing to may connect at all?

I’m so ashamed, but feel I shouldn’t be. Grrr!!



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