Today is the last day of August and also the last day of the week. What magic will it bring? Tomorrow is the first day of September and I am so excited. I’m ready for change. I will so miss the freedom of lazy summer days of no schedule but my kids need more structure. I feel that shift. I don’t like cold weather or shorter days, but there are so many things to look forward to in Autumn and I’ll focus on that. We’ve already started looking at Halloween costumes which is the earliest ever. But first things first, September will fly by like it always does with kids back to school and I want to enjoy Indian Summer at the shore.
Here’s what I’m feeling…the soul nudge…I’m going to stretch myself outside of my comfort zone. It’s time to go within to get clear. The clarity will be revealed to me as I slow down and put pen to paper. I need a solid business plan and to see what I need to learn. I get overwhelmed when stuff is all business. I am going to sort and sift through limiting beliefs like this and replace them. I think I’ve had to learn so much personally, because I have a lot to teach. This will be a never-ending cycle, as a spiritual journey.
I’m willing to be vulnerable and real, but it must have spiritual and positive foundation to it. Intention setting and finding a mentor. I feel I’m on the cusp of magic again. What this will bring I don’t know. I trust it will be amazing. I will connect with Universe and do some from the soul affirmations. It’s super important that I refresh this and envision what I would like. What if I could get everything I ever wanted? What would that be? What would that look like? If I didn’t feel I’d be judged or care how frivolous my wishes were, how big could I dream? When I open to the possibilities, it’s wild and kind of crazy. Asking my self the tough questions:
Am I worthy of infinite riches, epic success, and having it all?
Do I feel I deserve millions of dollars for my work and sharing myself with the world?
Do I feel I can balance it all, handle the challenges, and stay authentic?
Do I feel good enough in every way?
Do I feel anything is possible for me?
I want to keep asking questions that I already think I know the answer to. I want to see if there is another layer to it. How much more am I seeking or striving to learn, grow, have, be, and even become a wiser, fuller, truer expression. Where will this lead me?
I am fully jumping into the next level. I’m going to do whatever it takes. I don’t need to struggle. Easy, effortless, when you’re in the flow, magic happens. It’s in the knowing that we have faith in ourselves and the Divine, that the projects, books, inspirations come through. It’s like we are a vessel, portal, channel for a Higher Power of holiness. I’m in alignment when I’m grateful and daring. I’m daring to keep seeking. I’m daring to keep being authentic. Things will all work out even grander than I could imagine.
My affirmation for today is:
My soul will lead the way.
I fell on my knee the other day. Long story short, I landed on my right knee hard. (Dramatic story and boo-hoo on my website.) Two days later, I’m ready to get back to exercise and me, but I can’t.
Yesterday, I had to go up and down the steps like a little kid, one at a time, which is super annoying. I couldn’t kneel without some pain. Not sharp, just sore. My body was wondering what we are doing, acting like an old lady. I iced it and didn’t do anything crazy, just normal life.
Today, it’s not sore to the touch and was fine going up the steps. Healing has begun. Put some arnica get on it. Doing what feels right. I posted a question on Facebook this morning about any physical therapy or yoga stretches that would be good. Of course, I opened myself up to all points of view and opinions by bringing it up. I can be super protective of my vibe and know others mean well. I don’t let everyone in on if I’m working on something or my energy is off balanced until I find my knowing. Worry and fear based energy or pity feels terrible to me. Everyone else’s experiences aren’t mine. I listened with love to all the comments, but then it just started to feel like crap. I deleted the thread and after this post, I’m putting the “injury” type vibe to bed. I am good at listening to my body and am uber aware of my own “stuff.” I always get my gems of clarity and see this will all work out perfectly for me. It’s a reminder for me to honor what others feel as their truth, answers, and soul whispers even if I don’t agree. I try to only give me two cents if asked anyway. I’ll be sure to remind others I have faith in them. It’s a dance. With my kids, hubby, parents, I can go into fear about stuff too, out of love.
It’s all more trust lessons. As I was driving today, I heard the Rod Stewart song, “Forever Young” and of course started crying about my daughter going into her Senior year of high school next week. I’m a goober and I own it. I have to trust. I have to trust God. I have to trust the love was enough. I have to trust I was enough. I’m a ballsy chick with a mushball heart, who was a young mom who always felt like she was messing up. My daughter has turned out amazing. She actually inspires me. So underneath all the physical stuff, like this falling on my face, and my knee giving out is a fear of moving forward. My career is taking off and I’ll keep pushing myself and getting bolder. But in my life, the juice of my experience, my family is everything. This time next year, my oldest daughter will be off to college, my oldest son will be off to high school, middle son into 3rd grade, youngest son starting kindergarten, the baby girl will be 1 1/2, my mom will be 70, my hubby will be 40. It’s a WOWSA year. A lot of change. As I drove along taking in all my feelings, I asked myself, “Can I put this sad energy to bed?” And I got that I can just change my take on it. Not to be morbid, but next year who’s to say whether I’ll be here or any of us? Meaning, I must be present and enjoy all the moments with our family. Savor all the good moments instead of mourning that they’re be no more moments like it. They’ll be different special moments.
Balance is key. This summer I was juggling working and my kids. Time to get clear about what I want and recenter. Healing on all levels. As for my knee: My knee will heal. Sometimes we hurt ourselves and it just heals. I’m old school like that. I will be smart and listen to my body. Rest is called for and I am a go-go-go girl so I will adjust and it will be all good. Working my abs and arms today because movement is still what my body craves. I am resilient. I am strong. I am open to receive healing. I listen to my body. I receive my signs loud and clear. I move forward with ease. I am Divinely loved and supported by the Universe. Much love and many blessings. (And when it’s all better, I’ll appreciate my legs even more. Thank you, body, for all you do for me.)
Driving along in the darkness, music as my friend, insights and feelings flood my awareness as gems. Sunroof open to the night sky with sounds of nature and the breeze kicking up the smell of just purchased favorite flowers of Stargazer Lily to cleanse my mama heart. August restlessness of tantrums, messy rooms, and summer boredom call me to balance deeper and often. Words want to play with me and yearn to be heard, so I listen.
In my twenties, I wanted to escape my being and life at times. I could never trust my body, as it gained weight, lost weight and it still didn’t look good enough and anxiety imprisoned me at times. I’d picture actresses in Hollywood and supermoms in my own town to hold the secrets. I wanted to be them. Their children so well-behaved and husbands of GQ style, their magazine lifestyles with homes of perfection. Always crying at the right times, anger level of a soft tone and strength, appropriateness on par, never doing anything to be ashamed of. I longed to be always right, play that role, never doubting my okayness. I felt I was losing my marbles at the same time as gathering a bag of marbles, marbles of mistakes.
I was also looking for riches. But really I didn’t know the riches would come to be my words. That letting my writer girl out was the ticket to all I’d ever wanted. Those women I wanted to know what it was like to be them, the easy street was a facade I realized much later, but it looked so good. To be accepted, validated, and approved of, which now sounds dreadful. To live anyone else’s ideal would suck the living juice out of my soul stuff. Wild is more valueable to me, authenticity being golden. That’s a brilliance and greatness that even if you’re alone in your knowing or opinion, you feel whole. That fills you up like no person outside you can. A fullness. More would to come, of course, and still unfolds like a dance, a sensual dance with my spirit.
My thirties have graced me with some wisdom. I didn’t have to convince anyone is my worth when I actually knew my own. Too much and too little was perfectly me and fiercely just right. I still got hurt, most often myself, but only on occasion. And what would occur was that goddess fire would rise up and sweep us back up. We’d never stay down. We took that sensitivity, that vulnerability and realized that made us strong, like a badass of realness and mushyness. What freedom. Letting yourself be you. Soaring at thirty seven even when I need a rest, or it looks as if I’m still, my wings are thick and light at the same time. My truth sustains me. Thank you. My prayer for always.
I hadn’t taken a group yoga class for years. I’d see places I’d like to take, but nothing fit with my schedule or it would be something with the kids. Really, I learned it’s easy not to take classes where you don’t know anyone. I did the same yoga DVD during my last pregnancy. It was so comforting. It was not a challenge, it was a constant. Do I like a challenge? It depends.
When I first got down to that mat on the beach, I remembered I’m not that flexible. I had forgotten that despite my might, I couldn’t force through poses, like persistence in exercise. It was more like an unfolding. I was so grateful I don’t live in competition or I’d feel like a loser when yogis melted into pretzel shapes. My body and practice is mine and theirs is separate, if I focus on them, I will fall or get hurt, or not achieve my personal best and see the glory in just showing up and trying. I fell instantly in soul sister love with the teacher, Cailin Callahan, of Golden Buddha Yoga, and felt at ease in her presence. Some teachers feel like home. It was a few loves coming together that day, my love of the beach, sunshine, connection with the Divine, yoga, and movement with my body. Then I decided to take a Kundalini yoga which I knew would be a challenge. When we had to “Sat Nam” with our arms flappin’ like we were trying to take off, I didn’t know if I’d be able to do it. Doubt monsters were showing up big in that workshop and I ignored them and they disappeared.
I showed up at Hip Hop yoga and saw that in groups I can be shy in the beginning, when they ask you to say your name and all the intro stuff, I have to tell my inner teenage dork that A. We’re cool. and B. We’re gown up now. (We’ll not really, but we look like a grown up.) I bust out of my shell and let myself push through, thrive, and let the fire out. Those two workshops with Cailin were some of the highlights of my summer.
I continued to do yoga and push through my own “limitations.” In one class, two weeks ago, anxiety tried to kick my ass. I had to fight with myself the whole class. It was surrender and prayer, me and God the whole time.
My yoga practice teaches me it’s the balance of challenge and to be. Ebb and flow. The tide crashes and begins again. I must be flexible. Adapt. I’m afraid to fall. I’m afraid to not succeed. I’m afraid I’ll get hurt. Ahh…the gems of awareness.
Today, we had gnats that were flying around and drinking up my sweat from the sweltering sun on my brow. I wouldn’t leave, no matter if one flew up my nose. (Close calls there.) During shavasana, while we lay on our back, still as in meditation, my peace was not disturbed. Magically the gnats were gone. There was an itch In my psyche that made me see I’m afraid of peace. I’m afraid of too much peace, because then I’ll ultimately have a big wave crash and destroy it. This could be the gnats in my life like tantrums from my four year old or problems in business.
I love seeing how much more I know, understand, and grow when I’m honest. I am going to carry this into the upcoming school year with my kids. I’m not going to go through the motions. I’m going to balance the dance of challenging myself and just being, allowing more of my brilliance to bloom. Thank you. I love you, Universe. Sometimes you just gotta get up, stretch out of your comfort zone and just try. Just show up.