Sassy Spirit

Sassy Spirit

The Nice Girl Trap

posted by jperry

Have you ever fallen into the “Nice Girl” trap?

Do you feel like when you ask for what you want, you’re selfish?
Do you feel like when you set boundaries, you seem to come off mean?
Do you have a hard time asking for what you want?
Do you have a difficult time charging people for your services or time, never raise your rates, do everything for free?
Do you feel like it’s the end of the world if someone is mad at you?

If you answered yes to these questions, you have fallen into the trap! It’s easy to find yourself there. It’s happened to the best of us. There is help. You are all you need.  Now, before we start, take inventory of where you’re at and don’t be embarrassed.  We fall into patterns, like habits, by accident.  But we want to live on purpose.  You may have met a not so nice woman, think Meryl Streep in Devil Wears Prada, and you secretly wanted to be more like that.  You want to command, demand, and feel fierce and powerful.   Really, you just want to be more confident and assertive.  We can find a happy medium as women.  My mom always says that in business it was tougher for us to be bosses.  That there was a fine line between assertive and aggressive.  It was one of the reasons I’d find I had a block in selling and the business world.  I didn’t want to be pushy.  My friend Edie Weinstein’s mom always told her to walk in like she owned the joint.  I always admired strong and successful women who did it with grace and ease.  I’m trying to model that for my daughters now.  You can be a good person without being caught in the “nice girl” trap.

How do you get out of it?  First, you have to become a COP to your own thoughts and police them.

NO:
Comparing yourself to others- There will always be someone nicer than you. Who does more and never cares if she gets credit. She thinks of things you wouldn’t even dream of. . .and everyone loves her. Who cares? You’re awesome too.

Opinions of others mattering more than your own-   Your opinion of yourself must trump all others. What other people think of you is none of your beeswax. What they think is colored through the lens of THEIR perspective. You are an interpretation of their experience.

People pleasing- You cannot do and be everything to everyone. It is impossible. Some people won’t like you. . .no matter what. Remember, some people don’t like chocolate.

Focus on being the truest you. That is all you can do. Your relationships will be richer and more fulfilling. You will be a LOT happier too. The nice girl trap is draining. You’ll never feel vibrant and full of life if you are afraid to be you and feel your value is only in being nice. Be kind. It’s different. It comes from the heart. It’s deeper. All this self-love starts with your thoughts. Be kind in your mind. Think good things about yourself.

20 things I wanted to share.

posted by jperry

1. Make your world more beautiful with your vibe and you will see a more beautiful world.

2. If you want things to change, you must do-think-feel things differently.

3. Stay in the heart. All wars originate in the mind. Especially the ones with ourselves.

4. When you’ve felt fragile and broken, and you’ve had to put yourself back together many times, you want to give others hope for the same.

5. How you view the world is what you will see.

6. Don’t be afraid to breathe out fire through your truth sometimes.

7. Doubt is not weakness. Fear is not weakness. Emotions are not weakness. Feelings are not weakness. Denying them or being afraid of them is.

8. I love God so much that I don’t care how others choose to form a divine connection. It’s none of my business. My business is to love.

9. Never feel bad if you’re the oddball, rebel, badass, misfit, outsider, or black sheep. You’re always meant to be you, regardless of if others get, like, accept, like, or approve of you. Rock you to the authentic max.

10. No matter what emotions arise within me, I can recenter. Being sensitive is to be celebrated that we are in tune with our energy.

11. God fills me up. Even when I feel clouded or the sun isn’t shining, there is always light. I just have to look for it.

12. There is no such thing as an physically ugly person. If I think that, I haven’t looked hard enough.

13. . I’ve learned doubt doesn’t mean stop. It makes you want to climb that mountain even more than before. You focus even harder than if it was easy-peasey-lemon squeezy all the time.

14. Spiritual badasses rock the boat, but leave a trail of peace behind them.

15. Greater than or less than is for math, not people.

16. I won’t play small so you feel better. I’ll point out your greatness instead and we’ll celebrate life together.

17. I like to bless the space wherever I go, spreading joy. Unless I’m being fiery and then I bless the warrior inside me. No need to forgive my humanness, I just keep on soaring.

18. You are always telling the story of your life, where you’ve been, what you’ve done, what’s been done to you. Tell the side of triumph, of victory, of your warrior within. You can always change the story.

19. Starting the day with “Thank you” and “I love you” to God-Source-Universe and to my own soul sets my intention to that energy all day.

20. Being a source of Light is fun. Being loving is badass. Being nice is cool. Good vibes=God energy.

Did that sound mean?

posted by jperry

Setting boundaries and saying no has never been my strong suit.  My mid-thirties have made it abundantly clear I need to.  I’m learning how to do it assertively.  How many women can relate to this?

I just posted something on Facebook that some probably sounded mean to some people.  It was not my intention. It was about how I roll.  It was about social media etiquette.  It was sassy and to the point.  Men never come off as mean saying no or setting boundaries.  They just say no.  No hesitation.  No drama.  No guilt.  They just say no because it doesn’t’ work for them, they don’t want to, in fact they don’t even feel like they need to give a reason.

My husband has taught me so much about this.  Feeling guilty because you literally can’t do something for someone was alien to him.  In my twenties, I would look at him and think he’s so much happier because he sets boundaries and doesn’t worry what people think.  I was a people pleaser who constantly felt drained.  I would feel depleted of energy if I said no because I was afraid people wouldn’t like me anymore or think I was selfish.   Who even knows what I was thinking anymore?  I was assuming a lot of what was in other people’s minds.  If I did commit to something that I didn’t want to do, or that put too much on my plate, I felt awful.  My intuition was trying to tell me to follow my own inner guidance, but I was putting others’ opinions above my own, by worrying about them.

I am now an author, blogger, inspirational speaker, and I have five kids.  In getting my career going here, it has never been more clear to me to be CLEAR.  I must be clear with myself and others on what works for me and what doesn’t.   I’ve observed other women, I see some do it aggressively and some do it tactfully, where it even seems sweet.  I want it to feel light and effortless, not like I’m slapping people in the face with my truth.  How others feel about what my feelings are is none of my business though.  They’re entitled to feel mad or like I “should” do something even if I don’t feel obligated to.  I know letting go of expectations of others is so freeing.  These are the things I want to teach my children.  Setting boundaries and being intentional with your life is self-love to the MAX.  CEO’s of companies have to know what their vision is and what they want.  Wishy-washy doesn’t work when you’re building a brand.  I’m making it my mission to teach women self-love and deciding what is right for them.  You really do have your answers within, if you can get out of your own way, as in your negative thinking.  This is where keeping your mind open serves you best.  And the next time a woman sets a boundary with you, don’t take it personally.  She’s not trying to be mean.  She’s actually trying to be kind to herself.  Honor that.  We are all in charge of our own happiness.

I’ve learned I’d rather be known as the happy girl than the nice girl.  Cause happy girls are nice, but nice girls aren’t always happy.

Can you feel it?

posted by jperry

What do you feel?

Check in with yourself and take inventory.  Look around and take stock.  Your thoughts are like a bunch of papers dropped on your desk daily that you get to file away and keep or discard them.  These thoughts come from what we watch, read, listen to.  Be very choosey.  Be a vibe snob.

If you turn off the news and go within, what do you feel?  When you stop all the data coming at you, you can get really clear about your energy. When you really focus on the good, the love, the light, and what’s right in the world. . .it grows.  The job of the media is make you think you need lots of stuff to make you happy.  The quest for happiness is what advertisers entice us with in commercials.  Can’t fault them, everyone can think for themselves.  At any given moment, you can create fear or love in your being, just with your thoughts.  Think a fearful thought and you believe it, equals the feeling of fear.  This feels restrictive, heavy, and intense.  Think a loving thought and believe it means you feel love instead.  Oh, that feels delicious.  It’s open, light, and dreamy.  High vibrating thoughts like joy, fun, peace, love, silliness, hope, and many more, produce a amazing effect on our bodies.  They are like vitamins for the soul.  The lower vibrating thoughts of fear, doubt, envy, etc.  deplete us.  Good news is you can shift in an instant.

If you’re around negativity, you can look out the window or connect with nature to disconnect from the drama.  You can excuse yourself and go to the bathroom to freshen your energy by just washing your hands.  There is always an opportunity also to silently pray or recite a mantra, motto, or affirmation.  Ask  for Divine assistance.  It’s always available.  Can you feel it?  Just say “Hi” to God, Universe, or whatever you call your higher power, and you can feel it.

Today connect to good vibes and you will feel your world start to transform with deliberation intention.  Living on purpose creates a joyous fulfilled life.  Begin now.

Play with your dog, look in your children’s eyes, hug a tree, chant, sing, run, walk, dance, do whatever brings you joy, and you center yourself just as good as meditation or wearing a crystal would.  Raising your vibe opens up the world in a different way for you.

Can you feel it?

How others see the world is through their perspective.  You get to have yours, so let others have theirs.  Never argue with someone else’s reality. You may be standing next to someone who only sees a pile of dirt, when you know there is a seed underneath it that you spring forth.  Some people will never believe it until they see it.  Be a possibilities and potentials dweller, rather than just a reality dweller all the time.  This is how you manifest more good.  Whatever you feed your energy to, will grow, just like that seed.  Plant something good in your mind today.

Get happy by raising your vibe and clearing your energy.  This is where you see you are magic.  You are powerful. You can create your world, one good vibe at a time.  There is always good in the world.  Feel the good.  Can you feel it yet?  It’s right inside of you.

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