I hadn’t taken a group yoga class for years. I’d see places I’d like to take, but nothing fit with my schedule or it would be something with the kids. Really, I learned it’s easy not to take classes where you don’t know anyone. I did the same yoga DVD during my last pregnancy. It was so comforting. It was not a challenge, it was a constant. Do I like a challenge? It depends.
When I first got down to that mat on the beach, I remembered I’m not that flexible. I had forgotten that despite my might, I couldn’t force through poses, like persistence in exercise. It was more like an unfolding. I was so grateful I don’t live in competition or I’d feel like a loser when yogis melted into pretzel shapes. My body and practice is mine and theirs is separate, if I focus on them, I will fall or get hurt, or not achieve my personal best and see the glory in just showing up and trying. I fell instantly in soul sister love with the teacher, Cailin Callahan, of Golden Buddha Yoga, and felt at ease in her presence. Some teachers feel like home. It was a few loves coming together that day, my love of the beach, sunshine, connection with the Divine, yoga, and movement with my body. Then I decided to take a Kundalini yoga which I knew would be a challenge. When we had to “Sat Nam” with our arms flappin’ like we were trying to take off, I didn’t know if I’d be able to do it. Doubt monsters were showing up big in that workshop and I ignored them and they disappeared.
I showed up at Hip Hop yoga and saw that in groups I can be shy in the beginning, when they ask you to say your name and all the intro stuff, I have to tell my inner teenage dork that A. We’re cool. and B. We’re gown up now. (We’ll not really, but we look like a grown up.) I bust out of my shell and let myself push through, thrive, and let the fire out. Those two workshops with Cailin were some of the highlights of my summer.
I continued to do yoga and push through my own “limitations.” In one class, two weeks ago, anxiety tried to kick my ass. I had to fight with myself the whole class. It was surrender and prayer, me and God the whole time.
My yoga practice teaches me it’s the balance of challenge and to be. Ebb and flow. The tide crashes and begins again. I must be flexible. Adapt. I’m afraid to fall. I’m afraid to not succeed. I’m afraid I’ll get hurt. Ahh…the gems of awareness.
Today, we had gnats that were flying around and drinking up my sweat from the sweltering sun on my brow. I wouldn’t leave, no matter if one flew up my nose. (Close calls there.) During shavasana, while we lay on our back, still as in meditation, my peace was not disturbed. Magically the gnats were gone. There was an itch In my psyche that made me see I’m afraid of peace. I’m afraid of too much peace, because then I’ll ultimately have a big wave crash and destroy it. This could be the gnats in my life like tantrums from my four year old or problems in business.
I love seeing how much more I know, understand, and grow when I’m honest. I am going to carry this into the upcoming school year with my kids. I’m not going to go through the motions. I’m going to balance the dance of challenging myself and just being, allowing more of my brilliance to bloom. Thank you. I love you, Universe. Sometimes you just gotta get up, stretch out of your comfort zone and just try. Just show up.