Last week I was driving to meet my sister-goddess-mentor-friend, Kellie Kuecha before she left on her travels. She was in town for a few days, so it was easy for me to meet up with her kid-free. I had taken her branding class a few months ago as I gathered info and kept tipping my toe in the business waters. I’m still in the shallow end as I eye the deep end, not with fear, just cautiously surveying how my swimming skills are. It’s easy to swim in a baby pool. You can feel the bottom. You can see everything. You can reach everything. You don’t have to grasp, reach, stretch, or chase after anything.
I knew Kellie would challenge me to think differently about business and force me to take a look at monetizing what I’ve been doing even more. She obviously would not force me, but rather just by asking me what my hopes, goals, and dreams are. By telling me what she thinks, as will as any women in business, make me uncomfortable in a good way. I could not have talked to her without tripping up on my words three plus years ago. I looked for teachers back then, but I would want to hide when I felt less them. I don’t do gurus nor do I want to be one. It was easy when I was young to think someone else could solve my problems and had my answers. I smile now at my naïve gal of my twenties, who didn’t know her magic.
It was a sunny, beautiful day, and my heart was so full of gratitude for my life. I love driving along alone in the car with the music loud on days like that. I had a fear suddenly arise from the past. That one I get when I’m really happy and I know good things are on the horizon, but I get this thorn poking in my side. The thorn of my rosy disposition. My thorn is my fear of loss. I thought about how much I love my husband that it almost hurts. That I love my children so much it hurts to think of them growing older and venturing out in the world, as my oldest was two days away from getting her driver’s license. I could spin all these crazy stories of my boys getting into fist fights in bars when they get older. Anxiety can be like this crazy woman with makeup smeared, wild hair, swigging on booze, and mumbling all this terrifying stuff in my head. I used to listen to her daily. I tried to build a shield around my heart to protect myself. It left me off center and I couldn’t stand not being sensitive. Who would have ever thought that one? I just softened myself and drove along soaking in the light from the sunshine. I thanked God for all my blessing and knowing anything can change, worry will never prevent anything.
Kellie and I got our scones and coffee and sat outside in the fresh air. I was so glad to see her. I know she always wants what’s best for me. Friends like that are gems. She shares her experiences and wisdom in business which I am grateful for. She is the queen of freedom, she preaches freedom and wants us all to have it. I realized some of what holds me back in any way from my career is that I don’t like that heavy feeling of obligation. Don’t get me wrong, I have tons. I have five kids. That’s why if my business side gets too crazy, mom me feels off, and then where the hell do I fit in? The me that is just me wants freedom. Money can give us that. We also can choose it as a mindset as well. I do love a challenge though, if I’m really honest. I remember chasing boy’s hearts or girls to be friends with if I thought they were cool. I don’t chase anything or anyone now. I follow my heart, intuition, inner knowing, and soul energy. Bliss is a great guide for me, but I also won’t let go of my big dreams, I’m just in the middle of tweaking them and letting Divine guidance transform them. Spirituality and business go hand in hand for me as it does for Kellie, so she gets me,
She reminded me of all that I already have and that was a great remembrance to feel as I’ve graduated from the just saying I’m going to do stuff (like projects) and actually doing them. It’s a high-diving, surviving, thriving, striving in the world of business. You jump off the high dive, you learn you survived, then you’re thriving as you’re swimming along…but then you strive to jump again or swim even further away to find another type of high-dive so you can dive deep again into the deep abyss of unknown and scary places that only exist in your mind.
I had lots to think about and digest, as we said goodbye. In truth, I’m still looking for complete clarity on things. As I drive home, I got tear-eyed as I thought, I will always be okay. Like God filled my heart with peace. That is a wonderful feeling. The broken me of my twenties can get really scared when I realize how loved I am, how much love I’ve let in, and how much I’ve let out. Really, it is always safe to love. Love is what we’re here for.