Sassy Spirit

Sassy Spirit


The Art of Saying No

posted by jperry

Oh, ladies especially. . .don’t you just love saying no. I mean saying no is so empowering, but so damn hard sometimes, except with our children, of course. It comes really easily to some women, but not to me, so I had to study the art of saying no by seeing how others did it.  I’ve watched business women my whole life, starting with my mom. I’ve also seen women portrayed on TV as the bitchy business-like vixen type, think Alexis Carrington.  I reference Dynasty a lot, I can’t help it, I was a child of the 8o’s. I wanted to be like that strong, fierce woman. I didn’t want to hurt anyone though and could see how those “types” often destroyed their lives from the inside out.   Due to having this tough façade, their pretty smile and mean attitude, with their guard up permanently, things seem effortless. When you’re young, you secretly wanted to be that mean girl who says no for sport, because life seems easier for her and more fun.  She never seemed to get her feels hurt.  I was the opposite. I wanted to be liked and seen as nice. Which meant I did not have healthy boundaries and couldn’t say no. In my twenties, I would be in a conversation and wouldn’t want to seem weird, weak, or wrong so I’d keep my mouth shut when I didn’t agree. Or I’d get crazy mad if someone pushed my buttons and I felt stupid, attacked, embarrassed or talked down to. I didn’t have a healthy no. I didn’t know how to be fierce and loving. I was a people pleaser with a lot of resentment.

I see lots of woman that struggle like I have, working on with that love in their heart/ fourth chakra (self-love related and living through love versus fear) and power in the solar plexus/third charka (worthiness and owning your brilliance). Standing up for yourself with love is key. This does not matter if anyone likes it. This is your life.  I’ve read thyroid imbalances are linked to this as well,  Standing up for yourself in ALL areas of your life and verbalizing it.  You can be kind and powerful.

I’ve found that women who are not used to standing up for themselves and saying no will often overshoot this in the beginning. They’ll give a no that comes out wrong and feels like a heavy force. This is after they’ve tried the over-explaining no route that’s littered with sorry’s and self-deprecation. The “No, that won’t work for me” is the freedom route. You have to try it on like a business suit if you’ve never worn one before. At first it feels uncomfortable and not like you at all. You may try a different style and tweak it with accessories, your own special flavor, until you wearin’ the suit and not the other way around. Pretty soon, you’re ownin’ it. You might outgrow that suit, find it isn’t appropriate for the occasion or new situation, and you’ll get a new one.

If it’s too hard for you and it’s safer to say yes when you reallymean no to people, think about your kids. This affects them if you say yes to everyone and you’re frazzled and mad which means you deprive them of the happy, loving mom they yearn for. And here’s a biggie which I have been guilty of, you don’t say no and it bottles up and all of a sudden your kid asks for a popsicle for the third time and you reply like a tiger. Like a tiger breathing fire and they look at you like you are possessed. You actually are, by your own fears, doubts, limitations, but when you know that you finally want to stand in your truth, you will. It builds day by day, as you make different choices. Your habits and choices become patterns and stories, which ultimately become your life.

Some may be feeling they need to say yes to more in life and live outside of their comfort zone. I agree. It’s a balance.  People will make you wrong for saying yes or no, which is why you must be certain of your gut feeling.  It tells you the answer.  Others may try to argue about your feelings or reality, even though in none of their business.  Sometimes saying no to someone else is really just saying yes to yourself. I’m learning in business, I must learn to say no, even more than yes, so I’m clear. Clarity comes from knowing what you don’t want. Everyone must cultivate the art of saying no for themselves. Start right now. Your life is the canvas and you’re the paintbrush. Next time, ask yourself is it a HELL YES or a HELL NO?  You know.  Deep down, you always do.



  • kelly barton

    thank you!

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