Sassy Spirit

Sassy Spirit

The Nice Girl Trap

Have you ever fallen into the “Nice Girl” trap?

Do you feel like when you ask for what you want, you’re selfish?
Do you feel like when you set boundaries, you seem to come off mean?
Do you have a hard time asking for what you want?
Do you have a difficult time charging people for your services or time, never raise your rates, do everything for free?
Do you feel like it’s the end of the world if someone is mad at you?

If you answered yes to these questions, you have fallen into the trap! It’s easy to find yourself there. It’s happened to the best of us. There is help. You are all you need.  Now, before we start, take inventory of where you’re at and don’t be embarrassed.  We fall into patterns, like habits, by accident.  But we want to live on purpose.  You may have met a not so nice woman, think Meryl Streep in Devil Wears Prada, and you secretly wanted to be more like that.  You want to command, demand, and feel fierce and powerful.   Really, you just want to be more confident and assertive.  We can find a happy medium as women.  My mom always says that in business it was tougher for us to be bosses.  That there was a fine line between assertive and aggressive.  It was one of the reasons I’d find I had a block in selling and the business world.  I didn’t want to be pushy.  My friend Edie Weinstein’s mom always told her to walk in like she owned the joint.  I always admired strong and successful women who did it with grace and ease.  I’m trying to model that for my daughters now.  You can be a good person without being caught in the “nice girl” trap.


How do you get out of it?  First, you have to become a COP to your own thoughts and police them.

Comparing yourself to others– There will always be someone nicer than you. Who does more and never cares if she gets credit. She thinks of things you wouldn’t even dream of. . .and everyone loves her. Who cares? You’re awesome too.

Opinions of others mattering more than your own–   Your opinion of yourself must trump all others. What other people think of you is none of your beeswax. What they think is colored through the lens of THEIR perspective. You are an interpretation of their experience.

People pleasing- You cannot do and be everything to everyone. It is impossible. Some people won’t like you. . .no matter what. Remember, some people don’t like chocolate.


Focus on being the truest you. That is all you can do. Your relationships will be richer and more fulfilling. You will be a LOT happier too. The nice girl trap is draining. You’ll never feel vibrant and full of life if you are afraid to be you and feel your value is only in being nice. Be kind. It’s different. It comes from the heart. It’s deeper. All this self-love starts with your thoughts. Be kind in your mind. Think good things about yourself.

  • Christine Malenda

    Love it! “Be kind in your mind. Think good things about yourself.”….I’m thinking I’m a deeply grateful mom. Thanks for the reminder to do that…you’re a master motivator JPerry!!!

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