First of all, I don’t have multiple personalities, but we all have different aspects that sometimes seem to fade away over time. Maybe you have had a Petty Betty inside yourself too?
I noticed myself being petty about something for a moment yesterday and I didn’t like it. Listen, I own my inner bitch, which really is just my inner warrior, truth speaker. She’s sassy and doesn’t take any crap from anyone. She’s funny also, with her ‘tude which is a loving snarky at times. (Like to the kids…”Did you really just do that?” Or a look of the eyes when I know the one is about the clobber the other one. I have five kids, three boys in the middle, that like to wrestle…OFTEN!) She has to yell into room to get them to knock it off. She’s very Jersey. She means well though. She is a real champion for women and children especially. She calls it like she sees it. She is not afraid to get involved in a situation when she sees bad behavior. She gets mad at injustices and has a hard time when life isn’t fair to others. She earned me all sorts of nicknames when she helped me yell at a teenager last summer when he had a seagull by the neck, until he let it go. The bird was fine. The boy’s ego was bruised as I did this in front of his friends. This gal I’d call Sassy Lassie.
This was different. This was the mean girl who used to bully me daily with negative self-talk and wanted me to hold grudges all the time. This inner mean girl was always judgemental to everyone. It’s been forever since I’ve seen her. She was trying to get me to be annoyed about something and was spinning down nasty thoughts about another person and causing this separation/competition kinda thing. I don’t play that. I do equals. So I was like…”Hi, how ya been? Did you do something different with your hair? It’s been a while since I’ve seen you. Things have changed since you’ve been around. Love dwells here. So stop stressing about whether you are good enough. You are, honey. No need for the negative vibes. You’re gonna be okay. I gave her a hug, without any judgement, just sent love to that aspect of my shadow side…and POOF! She was gone again. It was like she was never there. Petty Betty doesn’t like us anymore. It isn’t a suitable environment. My head is ruled by intention now. I live on purpose. She can see I’m not weak anymore.
I reflected. Petty Betty used to rule the roost often. I was unhappy and mean girl would tell me I was fat, a bad mom, not a good person, and that things would never get better…that I didn’t deserve them. Then she’d flip, like a hormonal teenager and she’d be on my side, but try and make me mad at everyone else. She had a scorecard on everyone and would fight me when I wanted to forgive someone. She’d keep bringing up what others did wrong and egged me on to argue with them. She loved to get me into an argument, wanted my feelings hurt so I could defend myself and have to make others wrong. She fed on this. She LOVED when I’d gossip about someone, recounting why I was a victim in a situation. She wanted me to be mad if others didn’t agree with me or be friends with someone I wasn’t. Another check mark next to a name on her score card.
This is when I thought my “thoughts” were me, that they were in charge. I read about the Law of Attraction and started to question how I had been doing things. No matter what I read though, I couldn’t integrate it. I wanted ideas to transform me from the paper, like as if from osmosis. I thought teachers had the secrets to fix me.
I untangled my own web of thoughts as I became aware of what they were. I replaced them. I burned her score card in my mind. Every day, I chose me. I set my own vibe. This new attitude over a certain amount of years has gotten me more nicknames, one of which is “Susie Sunshine.” Petty Betty rolls her eyes at this one. . .making a gagging face. I transformed my life through my thoughts, when I realized I had the power. We don’t realize our potential, until we try to make a change and get past the hard part. Sometimes the chrysalis stage, where you’re in your cocoon, feels like it lasts forever. Trust the process. Don’t worry how long it takes.
Eventually I realized I was no longer a caterpillar. Flying around with my colorful wings is much more fun. I’m free to be me, without all the drama.