Rod Dreher

Rod Dreher


Is it wrong to refuse interracial dating?

posted by Rod Dreher

Over at The Root, Helena Andrews (who is black) writes about why she doesn’t date white guys. The piece is entertaining, but good luck trying to find an actual argument in it. It did make me wonder, though, if it should even be necessary to make an argument about something as personal as that sort of preference. Personally, it doesn’t bother me if Helena Andrews only wants to date black guys … or if she only wants to date Hispanic men. Why should she, or anybody, have to justify that sort of thing? Do people really employ rational faculties when deciding on romantic partners? Should they have to?
In general, no — but there are exceptions. Before I met my wife, I used to hang out with a Jewish friend, and I was quite attracted to her. I think she felt the same way about me. But we never explored that, and that was because of me. I was a religiously observant Catholic; she was a non-religious Jew. My faith was too important to me to make for a happy marriage — and I strongly believe you shouldn’t date someone you couldn’t see marrying in time.
Similarly, I completely understand the view among some Jews that Jews should only marry other Jews, not only for religious reasons, but because the intermarriage rate is so high that a distinctive Jewish culture (and religion) is in danger of being assimilated. There’s a lot of wisdom in prohibitions among religious communities — Jewish, Christian, Muslim, etc. — against marrying outside the faith.
Ethnically speaking, I always dated Caucasian girls, not because I ruled out dating outside my race, but that’s just how things went. For me, as an adult, religious compatibility was the most important factor in dating, at least as important as personal chemistry. But culture is also enormously important. I would have chosen to date a middle-class educated black girl who liked the same kinds of things as I did over a working-class white girl who hadn’t gone to college, and who had different interests. It’s not that one is morally better than the other, but only that chances are the black woman and I are going to have more in common than the white girl and I will. On the other hand, a couple of the unrequited crushes I had back in college and right out of college were on northern European women. Had we married, I wonder how our different cultural backgrounds would have affected our relationship? My wife and I come from neighboring states, but she had a different childhood growing up in the Dallas suburbs than I had growing up in rural south Louisiana. It’s hard enough explaining my homeland and its native culture to a woman from suburban Dallas, much less from, say, downtown Stockholm. (And, for my putative Euro-bride, vice versa).
All of which is to say that if Helena Andrews only wants to date black guys, that’s fine with me. I don’t think it’s right to expect her to justify her choice, at least not on ethnic terms. Nor do I think it’s right to ask a white woman who doesn’t want to date black guys to justify her choice. The heart wants what it wants. But if one doesn’t want to date partners of another race on grounds of principle as opposed to instinctive preference (e.g., “I don’t date white guys because I think it’s wrong” versus “I don’t know why, but I just don’t find white guys attractive”), I think one ought to at least question oneself and one’s motives.



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Gerard Nadal

posted January 29, 2010 at 12:16 pm


As we mature into young adulthood and assume responsibility for shaping our own lives, people find great comfort, strength and direction in intimate relationships with others who share the same God, same culture, same stories, same teleology onto eternity. Most of us mold our lives around these powerful paradigms. In most cases, this means a partner of the same race, religion and ethnicity.
I’ve never seen any intrinsic rightness or wrongness in interracial dating, so long as the couple are agreed as to how hey plan to raise the children. Even then, these powerful bonds to one’s cultural roots arise in ways unexpected. The question, really, is whether true love can conquer all.



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Gerard Nadal

posted January 29, 2010 at 12:18 pm


That should have read “same teleology Into eternity.”



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Larry

posted January 29, 2010 at 12:22 pm


All of which is to say that if Helena Andrews only wants to date black guys, that’s fine with me.
OK by me, too. The problem arises when some people start trying to enforce these personal preferences on to others who may not agree with them.



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John E - Agn Stoic

posted January 29, 2010 at 12:36 pm


But if one doesn’t want to date partners of another race on grounds of principle as opposed to instinctive preference [ ... ] I think one ought to at least question oneself and one’s motives.
Serious question here – why ought one to question oneself on this topic?
I’ll grant you that the examined life is more interesting than the unexamined life, but why does this rise the the level of ought to?
Someone thinks it is wrong for them to date white guys. Well, okay.
Not how my logic train works, but I don’t see why anyone is under any imperative to examine that premise for themselves.



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Chuck Bloom

posted January 29, 2010 at 12:44 pm


Having met both Rod and Julie, they are/were meant to be together – regardless of the attraction. While some believe that opposites attract, there must be certain common themes shared by both people.
With the Drehers, it is their strong religious beliefs. With others it is art, politics, food, music, literature, sports, etc. It might seem strange to outsiders but if it works, no one can question it.
Because that’s what love is all about. When you finally find the right person, you damn well know it.
Even if he comes from south Loooos-e-anna.



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naturalmom

posted January 29, 2010 at 12:46 pm


I agree that people need not justify if it’s an amorphous preference. (I’ve never found men with blond hair especially attractive, for example — no idea why. There are plenty of non-blond men to choose from and plenty of women who do like blond men, so no harm done to anyone.)
I also think it’s OK if someone makes a choice to only date certain people based on a *positive* principle, such as wanting to preserve a certain culture or religion in the home. (Though they should not try to prevent others from making different choices.)
Where I think people should examine their motives more critically is if the “preference” is based in a belief about the character or nature of the group(s) one would NOT date. So if Jane Wasp doesn’t want to date Jewish men because she think they are cheap, there is a problem with prejudice. Not because the potential dating partners are deprived of Jane’s company, but because her prejudiced view will have effects beyond her dating preferences that are not healthy to her or society at large. Same goes for someone of a “minority” race who won’t date someone from the “majority” race because they believe majority race people are insensitive and full of themselves.
The best person to put someone in the latter category on the spot about their prejudicial beliefs and behavior would be a close friend or relative of the same group as the discriminator. I don’t think just anyone should be able to call someone to account for their personal choices — we may not know the whole story.



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Turmarion

posted January 29, 2010 at 12:51 pm


I’d pretty much agree with Rod and the posters here just far. I just have to say that, having read Andrews’s article, I agree with Rod that it meanders around all over the place without making a discernable point. Having said that, à chacun à son goût.
John E.: Someone thinks it is wrong for them to date white guys. Well, okay.
I’d say that if anyone thinks that doing or not doing X to, for, or with fill-in-the-blank category of guys, girls, or people in general, on the basis of said category and not the individual, is morally or otherwise wrong, where X is something that is positive or innocuous, one should question why one thinks it to be wrong (motivations to preserve religious or cultural groups aside, as naturalmom points out).
For example: If X is obviously morally wrong per se, then no problem–“I want to kill white people,” “I don’t want to help dying Asians,” “I don’t want to associate with black people,” are all obviously morally wrong.
However, suppose X is positive or neutral: “I think it’s wrong to associate with white people,” “I think it’s wrong to eat in a restaurant that serves black people,” “I think it’s wrong to date Asians,” etc. seem to be morally reprehensible in a way that “I don’t want to associate with white people” or “I’m uncomfortable associating with Asians”, etc. are not. I’d put dating in this category, too.
See?



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naturalmom

posted January 29, 2010 at 12:53 pm


Let me add quickly that prejudice can work within groups as well. Some people refuse to date within their own group (racial or otherwise) because of stereotypes about the qualities of the other gender in their group.



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Your Name

posted January 29, 2010 at 12:58 pm


For me race does not really matter. It is both the religious beliefs and culural values that will really be the major strengths in a relationship. I am a caucasion and a serious Catholic. When I was single, I have had caucasian agnostic girls who liked me and although they were/are very nice people, I could not see myself getting involved in a marriage in which I would probably have to forsake my religious beliefs and not raise my children in the faith. My last girlfriend was a very attractive caucasian who was a raging atheist. That would have gone no-where when it ended I finally met a devout Catholic girl with whom our religious values were totally in sync. She was Asian and she ended up being my wife. The cultural differences came into play (I was at first uncomfortable with the closeness of the large extended family) but both learned to adapt.
Another factor could be family or community opposition. If either side of the family do not approve it could cause stress. If you live in a community that does not approve that will also cause stress and for these reasons people from different racial backgrounds would not date out of their race even though they are not racists themselves.
I am fortunate in that my family and community do not have racist tendancies. Ideally we should look beyond race but at the soul of the person who was created equally by God.



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JMorrow

posted January 29, 2010 at 1:00 pm


Gerard,
I agree with you largely, but when you say this:
“so long as the couple are agreed as to how hey plan to raise the children. Even then, these powerful bonds to one’s cultural roots arise in ways unexpected.”
I wonder if that assumes the child can’t work out for themselves what it means to be raised in a bicultural or multicultural home or community. Let’s not underestimate the resourcefulness of young people or the human mind to adapt to multiple contrasts in their midst. Would we ask ourselves the same thing if this was a cross-state or city marriage? (“Should we raise the kid Texan or Midwestern?”) or even cross class? (“Should we raise the kid as a doctor or a high school drop-out?”) While I can acknowledge race/ethnicity has a larger grip on the national culture than perhaps these demographics, that doesn’t mean children will be forlorn and lost when it comes to identity. From personal experience I can attest. It’s possible. And with the country’s changing demographics the many ways people creatively struggle (and often succeed) with this will be more visible.
I generally agree with Ta-Nehisi Coates take on this same article about interracial dating. If it’s something as important as marriage, best to spread your options as wide as possible, you’ll have more confidence that you made the right choice. And ultimately your racial or ethnic similarity will not save you when you forgot to wash the dishes or pick up your dirty draws.



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Sarah

posted January 29, 2010 at 1:09 pm


I’m like you – religious compatibility is the most important thing. My husband and I are both observant Catholics. We’re also both from upper-middle class families in Northern Virginia with dads who worked for the federal government and moms who stayed home. I’m white, and he’s Indian, but the racial difference has never been much of the issue, since he was born in the U.S. and we essentially come from the same culture.
I’ve actually never dated another white person. I’ve only had one other boyfriend other than my husband, and he was Hispanic. I actually broke up with him because his pagan-esque beliefs were incompatible with my Catholicism, and I knew I could never marry him.
For me, religious differences are much, much more significant than racial or cultural ones. I honestly can’t think of a cultural or ethnic difference that would be so great it would make me consider not marrying someone, the way that, say, him wanting to have premarital sex or use contraception would.
I guess I have a hard time understanding why someone would refuse to date outside their race, even as I won’t date outside my religion, since I don’t equate the two at all. I can certainly understand being attracted to certain races or features, and I don’t think that’s something one needs to apologize for. It’s like how I prefer men with dark hair, either white or another ethnicity, though I occasionally find a blonde guy attractive. What I don’t understand is not dating another race *on principle.*
It sounds like black culture or Latino culture or whatever it is is as important to some people as Catholicism is to me. To me, that’s odd. But that’s me – I realize I’m looking at this entirely from my perspective. Maybe having a strong religious identity made ethnicity much less important to me. And since I’m a euromutt, I never had much of an ethnic identity to speak of anyway. And I grew up in a very racially diverse area, so racial differences were never a big deal.
It seems like for some people, their ethnicity is their religion – like in African-American churches where they worship blackness, or the Greek Orthodox church Rod has mentioned that worshiped Greek-ness. For others, their religion is their ethnicity, like Catholics who don’t follow many Church teachings but still consider themselves Catholic because they grew up with the smells and bells.
I agree with Chuck Bloom, that there must be something that’s important to both members of the couple that they share, and that’s going to be different for different people.



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Your Name

posted January 29, 2010 at 1:33 pm


Re religion, a slight nuance. I actually agree that, generally speaking, relationships where both are of the same religion are preferable–more similarity of values, fewer points of possible stress.
However, I’d add two provisos. One, the level of commitment is a factor. If both partners are, say, Catholic, but one is zealously practicing and the other is a Christmas-and-Easter Catholic, there is the definite possiblity of problems. This is especially true if children are involved, as there will be different attitudes to religious education.
Two, it is often the case that a mixed marriage between people who really match well in the non-religious areas is better than a homogenous marriage between ill-matched spouses. My first serious girlfriend was Catholic, as I am, and a regular, practicing one, as well (I am, too). However, differing views about relationships and personality differences that were much more problematic that originally thought resulted in an unpleasant breakup after a year and a half.
On the other hand, my wife, aside from being Buddhist, is the closest person I’ve even known to being perfectly compatible with me. She supports my church attendance and raising our daughter Catholic. She reads the church bulletin more than I do, and reminds me and my daughter of our religious obligations, to the extent that I joke that she’s a better Catholic than I am. Some day she may convert (she’s expressed some very vauge possible interest), but I accept her fully as is, and I truly think that our relationship (though like all relationships it is imperfect) is pleasing to God. Thus, while I’d argue that mixed marriages are in general not the ideal paradigm, I think it’s very important to look at the concrete situatio of the people in question.
JMorrow: I wonder if that assumes the child can’t work out for themselves what it means to be raised in a bicultural or multicultural home or community.
I think that whether the household bi-, mono-, or multi-cultural it is always good to make things explicit. This is especially true if you have a very bright and inquisitive child who is always asking unexpected questions out of the clear blue (as I do) or if you live in a community that has negative views. For example, I live in a very red, very Evangelical state, where many people view Catholics as servants of the Great Beast. In the case of Buddhists, it would obviously be that much worse. At some point my daughter may encounters such views from classmates and friends, or even hear things about who in her family is or is not hellbound, and I want her to be prepared for that. Our country is becoming more welcoming and accepting of multi-cultural families, but we’ve got a long way to go as a society yet.



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Turmarion

posted January 29, 2010 at 1:35 pm


The Your Name at 1:33 PM is me! Sorry!



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Franklin Evans

posted January 29, 2010 at 1:49 pm


JMorrow, the harsh, practical fact is that while bi- or multiracial families are common, bi- or multiracial communities are exceedingly rare.
So, Gerard’s caution is well taken: The child may be well-armed from a family environment, but will most often (almost always, I sorrowfully assert) encounter all the challenges and hostility Gerard alludes to.



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Alicia

posted January 29, 2010 at 1:56 pm


I’m 55, Caucasian, and never married, but over the years I’ve been involved with men of many races and religions. (Yes, I was once just a tad “fast”.) Race or religion was not really an issue, however, I think it would have become so if I had gotten more serious with one of those men.
Because I know that I have prejudices, and would have feared to expose them to someone in an intimate relationship. However, I don’t think that “only dating in one’s race or religion” is necessarily a good notion. Yet, it is certainly no one else’s business who someone chooses to date.



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Turmarion

posted January 29, 2010 at 2:06 pm


Franklin Evans: JMorrow, the harsh, practical fact is that while bi- or multiracial families are common, bi- or multiracial communities are exceedingly rare.
Excellent! That’s what I was trying to get at, but pharased far less felicitously! Major kudos!



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Your Name

posted January 29, 2010 at 2:13 pm


Ha–there’s an ad running on the right for an interracial dating service.



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Northerner

posted January 29, 2010 at 2:29 pm


BTW, your name at 12:58 PM is me.
fact is that while bi- or multiracial families are common, bi- or multiracial communities are exceedingly rare.
They are the norm in Central and South American nations when you take Mestizos and Mulattos into account. In Canada, the Metis (usually a combination of French and Native Indian) were able to develop into a unique culture.



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AnotherBeliever

posted January 29, 2010 at 2:38 pm


Clearly, this is over-analyzing things. :)
We are all different. We all appreciate different things and have slightly different ideas of beauty. We all grow up in different circumstances. I spent a lot of time in the Tidewater region of southern border of Virginia growing up. I think that there is nothing prettier than a swamp in the early morning, just after sunrise, with mist hovering over the face of the water and the cypress knees, a couple of egrets barely visible through the fog, and the clear cool dawn breeze whirring through the pines on the shoreline. I’d be highly tempted to get in explore this scene more closely if there was a canoe nearby.
A LOT of other people would simply worry about the snakes and unidentified creeping things. ;)
Our sense of beauty is tied into our race as well as where we grew up – the men and women we spend our earliest years with, the look of the people we grow up with – that all gets tied in with our feelings of good food, good times, comfort, HOME. It’s natural. That’s why we don’t tend to date or intermarry interracially. I’m part Hispanic. My physical ideal is on the slight and short side, dark and handsome. Big brown eyes. I don’t go in for tall blond blue-eyed guys at all, but there’s been a couple of beautiful Black men I’ve men attracted to.
But these ideals are just influences. My own grandmother, from Tennessee, went off and joined the Women’s Army Corps as soon as she turned 21. And ended up marrying an ethnic Mexican from McAllen, Texas. Her parents had a fit on both counts. Real life happens, people fall in love with all kinds of other people (some seemingingly wrong for each other, but try telling them that!) The old taboos are starting to fade, you’ll see this more and more often. But it still won’t be a majority of cases.



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AnotherBeliever

posted January 29, 2010 at 2:51 pm


Multiracial communities are old hat in military communities, for what it’s worth. When I was a little Army brat, I went on sleepovers, got babysat, and shared my Mom with kids she babysat. The kids I hung out in housing on base were Black, White and every shade and gradation between. Some of the soldiers were fairly new Southeast Asian immigrants (I ate little dried God-knows-what as snacks in THEIR houses), others were Black (I can remember watching the long process of getting several little girls’ hair braided into cornrows at night), still others were members of such small Christian sects that they ran house churches in their homes (I was invited and attended these services a couple of times.)
I didn’t think any of it was the least bit unusual, any more than I though that moving all the time was strange, or that playing on old retired helicopters and amphibious vehicles at the military museum outdoor display a block from our apartment was in the least bit weird. That last bit was just COOL.



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John E - Agn Stoic

posted January 29, 2010 at 3:10 pm


However, suppose X is positive or neutral: “I think it’s wrong to associate with white people,” “I think it’s wrong to eat in a restaurant that serves black people,” “I think it’s wrong to date Asians,” etc. seem to be morally reprehensible in a way that “I don’t want to associate with white people” or “I’m uncomfortable associating with Asians”, etc. are not. I’d put dating in this category, too.
I see what you are saying, Tumarion – I just don’t think that the first set of ideas rise to the level of being morally reprehensible.



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JMorrow

posted January 29, 2010 at 3:26 pm


“the harsh, practical fact is that while bi- or multiracial families are common, bi- or multiracial communities are exceedingly rare.”
Well put Franklin, I’ll agree on that. Though those kinds of communities are more common these days in most major US metro areas. You do raise a good point about how mixed children are often received in homogenous communities. I don’t know if even multiracial communities are an antidote to this though. I grew up in just such a school community and we amazingly found all sorts of new and inventive ways to poke fun of, and on a serious note, discriminate against others.
I think my broader point was more that I hope people would not use the challenges children may face as a reason not to pursue an already sound relationship across ethnic/class lines.
AnotherBeliever:
Thanks for your story. Reminds me very much of my childhood in a multiracial, but mostly Irish, Chicago neighborhood.



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John R

posted January 29, 2010 at 3:40 pm


The only place in the Bible that gives ANY HINT in this is the story of the Tower of Babel. At that time we were one race, one language. Because of man’s arrogance, God devided us into different LANGUAGES, which also means different races. At this time God segregated us as to races and languages. To me, it shows ABSOLUTE ARROGANCE in the face of God and His plan, that we say now, “We don’t care what God did, we are going to mix the races, no matter what anyone says. We know better than God and those who oppose mixing the races in marriage again”. I will not accept it, because I believe that it is not what God wanted. We would all be the same color and language, PERIOD, if that was God had wanted. God Himself segregated us as to race,language, culture, etc.



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John E - Agn Stoic

posted January 29, 2010 at 3:46 pm


God devided us into different LANGUAGES, which also means different races.
So the French and Germans are different races?



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David J. White

posted January 29, 2010 at 3:48 pm


To be honest, I’m generally not interested in dating non-Caucasian women mainly because it would upset my parents. Why should I care about that? Because maintaining a good relationship with my parents is important to me, and I’m not interested in upsetting them just to “make a point”. Is their attitude grounded in racism? Quite possibly. Does that bother me? Honestly, no, it really doesn’t. The heart wants what the heart wants, as Rod pointed out, and one’s parents want what one’s parents want. I’m enough of a mama’s boy, even at my age, that I want to please my parents, or at least don’t want to upset them unnecessarily. (Honestly, I think even an Italian would be too dark for my mother’s comfort.)
I suppose if I met a non-Causasian woman who just seemed perfect for me in every other respect, I would have to re-examine this. But I’m 47, and it hasn’t happened yet.
Having said all that, I hardly ever date, so in general it’s a non-issue.
I also decided — after some years of going back and forth on the issue — that it’s important to me, if I ever marry, so marry someone Catholic. For years, though, it seemed that all the women with whom I really hit it off in other respects weren’t Catholic, and all the Catholic women I knew were women with whom I otherwise had little else in common. Strange.
There’s one thing I was glad to see Rod bring up — his preference for marrying someone who had been to college vs. someone who hadn’t. I have the same preference, but sometimes when I mention it people accuse me of “looking down” on those who haven’t been to college, or believing that those who have been to college are somehow intellectually superior than those haven’t. Not true, of course. In my case, as in Rod’s, it’s cultural. I have spent so much of my adult life on college campuses in various capacities — undergraduate student, graduate student, librarian, instructor — that I’m not sure how much I would have in common *culturally* with someone who didn’t have that experience at least to some extent.
In general, I don’t see why one should have to justify one’s dating preference to anyone else. (Except that I don’t want to make my mother unhappy, even if her unhappiness is unreasonable. ;-) )



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Franklin Evans

posted January 29, 2010 at 4:02 pm


Turmarion and JMorrow, thanks for the acknowledgement. I live in a multi-racial and -ethnic world, as it were. All my life the differences and conflicts were an almost daily reminder that the “other” is firmly at the front of most people’s awareness and thought. To clarify: My parents were immigrants, I grew up amongst overtly racist people, and I have witnessed the familial tensions around interracial and interreligious dating and marriage.
I submit that the rarity I describe — not having done so very well before now — is a community with a subtantial proportion of inter-[fill-in-blank] families. A shared ethic of tolerance (let alone acceptance) is just mostly missing from the vast majority of communities (in the US, that being my conscious focus here), which can be labeled homogenuous almost without exception. I respectfully reject communities that have become mixed for unrelated reasons, like military base residential communities.



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HKHaugan

posted January 29, 2010 at 4:20 pm


Bottom line—Biblically, we are all descended from one blood, one flesh, that of Adam and Eve. Race is a term unknown in Scripture except where translators use it as a substitute for Gk. word sarka (e.g. Rom.9:3—meaning flesh, bloodline). The idea of ‘race’ as we know it is a man-made term arising from a German 18th century philosopher who used it as a term to describe exterior physical differences. Unfortunately it has come to be used as a judgment of one’s interior worth by worldly standards which have evolved into competitive social terms like ‘ethnic differences.’ Every human being is created in the image and likeness of God (Gen). What has created the language of difference is indifference to God and His Word and the need to control the understanding of the nature of man apart from God. Nothing new.
b28efk



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Cecelia

posted January 29, 2010 at 6:39 pm


Seems like – epecially when we speak of the crucible of married life – what matters is compatible values and compatible interests. I would think the same religious and cultural background makes it more likely you will have that kind of compatibility but certainly not always.
I do understand though why some might make intentional choices about only dating/marrying within a specific group. The mongrel lot we Americans are can have the effect of eventually destroying specific groups – Jewish people being an example. The prospect of losing an entire culture through intermarriage seems tragic and in some ways even an act of disrespect to one’s ancestors.
To quote Mellencamp – you have to stand for something or you’ll fall for anything. Seems to me one is more likely to stand for something if they have a strong sense of who they are and I think that comes from a strong identification with the specific values and mores of a culture. So whatever a family is formed of the important thing is communicating to the kids a consistent sense of values.



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Andrea

posted January 29, 2010 at 9:04 pm


Who she’s attracted to and wants to marry is her own business. I think there are probably obvious disadvantages to marrying someone too different from yourself, especially when conflicts arise. Being from a different race, culture or religion will just amplify whatever personality conflicts come up. A denominational difference was once one of several reasons a relationship I was in didn’t get off the launching pad. I felt fairly strongly that any kids I had would be raised Catholic. As it turned out I don’t have kids or the relationship and I have some regrets about the whole thing. I think it’s probably possible to compromise some things and not others. I wouldn’t marry a Jew or a Muslim or an atheist who wasn’t willing to let me raise any children we had or adopted as Catholic or at least Christian. All in all, I’d probably have preferred to marry someone from the same religion and of the same race (Caucasian) and general family background, but that’s assuming that that’s the person you fall in love with.



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Odessa

posted January 29, 2010 at 10:51 pm


Maybe it’s me, but I can’t imagine caring at all about, much less being interested in, why this woman I’ve never heard of will or will not date white/black/green men. What egoism to tell us all about it.



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Charles Cosimano

posted January 30, 2010 at 2:15 am


I think anyone would have to pretty damned gutless to care what other people thought of their dating choices.



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Sarah

posted January 30, 2010 at 8:08 am


Turmarion, you made some excellent points in your 1:33 post, and you’re very lucky your wife is open to Catholicism. I agree that personality differences can be almost as contentious as religious differences. In fact, in some ways my pagan boyfriend was more compatible in terms of interests and personality than my Catholic husband. I’ve actually been surprised at how difficult marriage can be, even to a fellow Catholic. If I were single, I might consider marrying a non-Catholic, but they would have to agree to get married in the Catholic Church, raise the kids Catholic, and only use NFP for birth control. The number of people willing to do that, Catholic or not, is extremely small, especially the using NFP part, which is why I would probably always end up with a Catholic anyway, even though in theory I might be willing to marry a non-Catholic.
I also agree that degree of religiousity matters. I would have a hard time with a lukewarm Catholic. Although when my parents married, my mom attended mass weekly and my dad was a Christmas-and-Easter Catholic, but after awhile he started going to mass weekly, too. FWIW.



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Peter

posted January 30, 2010 at 10:31 am


What egoism to tell us all about it.
Well, let’s have a little context. She writes for The Root, an online magazine focusing on African American issues. The question of interracial dating is an issue of some controversy among African American women who grapple with racial loyalty, the desire to support African American men who are often under attack, the paucity of marriagable African American men, the question of “sleeping with the enemy” and the historial context of white men and their relationship with black women.



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meh

posted January 30, 2010 at 11:12 am


HKHaugan: ” The idea of ‘race’ as we know it is a man-made term arising from a German 18th century philosopher who used it as a term to describe exterior physical differences.”
Do “breeds” of dogs only have exterior physical differences? Or do they have other (on average) differences?



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Siarlys Jenkins

posted January 30, 2010 at 8:03 pm


Odessa and Charles Cosimano make excellent points.
But, since Rod posted the question, the distinction between “black” and “white” is an artificiality made up by the Portuguese only about 500 years ago. On the other hand, the reminiscences of Olauda Equiano include thinking, the first time he saw a European, “There stood the ugliest man I have ever seen.” So, if he looks ugly to Helena Andrews, she should find someone who looks good to her. If you’re lucky, you only get to pick once, so don’t go with any social trends, just go with what’s right for you. And don’t expect anyone else to take your advice. They’ll do what’s right for them.



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AC

posted February 1, 2010 at 7:48 am


John R.,
Why do different languages mean different races? And what defines race? The continent of Africa has more genetic diversity than the rest of the world COMBINED. It’s very likely that a black person in Sudan is more closely related genetically to a white Hungarian than to a black person in Angola. And there are whole COUNTRIES of mixed people- Mexico, Brazil, most of the rest of Latin America; not to mention that the average African American has about 1/3rd white European and Native American ancestry. Who are these people do date? One problem with this kind of attitude is that it is based on completely bogus definitions. If you could look back at your own ancestry you’d probably find some surprising ancestors.



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meh

posted February 1, 2010 at 7:28 pm


“Gap in attitudes toward interracial marriage gone” http://scienceblogs.com/gnxp/2010/02/gap_in_attitudes_toward_interr.php



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looking for white women

posted February 15, 2013 at 3:32 am


I’m no longer sure where you’re getting your info, however good topic. I needs to spend a while studying much more or working out more. Thank you for fantastic info I was in search of this info for my mission.



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