I wanted to let you guys know that I appreciate your prayers and comments concerning the return of my cancer. It has been very difficult to deal with the knowledge that a deadly disease is trying to end my life. I keep thinking of the movie (and episode of Law and Order) where the protagonist is poisoned and knows he’s going to die but fights to find his killer. I’m hopping that it will end happily with a cure (like the Monk series finale) but who knows? It is disconcerting to realize that I might not make it to next Christmas. It’s seriously impacted how I view my life.
I’ve been asking my family and friends to pray for peace for me as I struggle through this process. The only way I’ve been able to get through Christmas, after Christmas shopping, church, family celebrations, and people wishing me a “Happy New Year!” is by clinging to God and putting my trust in him. Otherwise I’d be a basket case, in constant panic mode and crying all the time.
I fight to stay positive but it’s hard. Before I knew that the cancer had returned, I started reading cancer memoirs (sad that there is this whole genre associated with the disease). I had just checked out Gilda Radner’s and Liz Tilberis’ memoirs to see what their experience was like but I decided to return them after I learned my cancer was back. Both woman died from ovarian cancer and that’s hitting a little too close to home for me right now, I’m just not strong enough to handle that. I’m currently reading David Horowitz’s The End of Time (I’ll let you know what I thought about it when I finish it), I decided to finish it because he takes a different approach to the genre and he survived so I figured it wouldn’t be too depressing to read.
I’m also reading Michael Horton’s Too Good to Be True which he wrote to help those who have to struggle through trials. I’ll let you know if it helps 🙂